Newspaper Page Text
BEST HUMOR, MOVING
PICTURES, VAUDEVILLE.
ATLANTA, GA.
SUNDAY, .MAY 30, 1915.
By T. E. Powers, the Famous Cartoonist
Coorrlght, 1918. by tt>* Star Company. Oraat Britain Rights Baaerrad.
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LAUGHS IN THE NEWS
Copyright, 1015, by the Star Company. Great Britain Bights Reserved.
"Divorce Ends Romance”—according to a small heading over
vji'ller news Item.
Does It? It generally starts a romance.
CERTAIN young Omaha woman had a man arrested because he
A threw her into a bathtub full of water with her clothes on!
Every one to their own opinion, but we hold that the young
Aan was Quite modest about it.
County Judge Scully, of Chicago, says that women must tell their age
In the bright lexicon of female vital statistics there’s no such word
as “must.”
A Michigan City woman was washing clothes when she received a
telegram announcing that she had been left half a million dollars. She
kept right on and finished the washing, hung out the clothes, took them
In and ironed them, got supper for five and went to bed.
If It had been a man, what would have happened?
One dark streak of coat-tails as Mr. Man beat It to the Dutchman’s.
That’s wnat.
Another headline writer heads a so-called romance as follows:
"United by Chance.”
Sure, it’s all chance. ,
discovered a gas man with a jimmy In New York,
man does better with a bill.
A Stroudsburg fPa.) pastor died the other day aged elghty-two.
married 1,054 couples.
However, If he repented, all Is well with him now.
Another of the celebrated ex-outlaw James boys has Just died, aged
about four-score.
If he had been a good boy he might have lived to a good old age.
Harry A Wheeler, a Chicago man, wants peace postage stamps de
signed to stpp the war In Europe.
ouldn't work, Harry, someone would be ail the ume hcnjUi the
fe Lau.
Mow the Government of Cuba Is belnr charged with millions of
dollars In graft.
, M nrr .... - -"vbt but what modern crtiiuauun woum cre-o
Into Cuba in umw
A Bronx girl yawned the other day, and now she la unable to close
ner mouth
Making her look iuul like a rnarnen woman.
SSw fell
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WFI
BUSINESS
MYSTERIES
Are solved by Edward Mott Woolley in the Fiction
Magazine. Free with the first issue of The Sunday
American every month. Salesmen and executives get
valuable information from these articles.
WATCH FOR JUNE NUMBER
Our Bureau of
Misinformation
Ask Us Any Question You Wish—You Cannot
Buffalo Us On Any Topic.
Copyright, 1»1J, by ths Star Company. Groat Britain Rights Reserved
D EAR (?) EDITOR,—My wife wants an automobile, but I cannot
afford It I can only buy her a Flivver. What will I do?
MERE HUSBAND.
You will get her an automobile.—Rd.
81r —Ts*lng advantage of your offer to answer any Question, I wnnt
to know whether the Allies will win, or whether the Germans will win
or whether It will be a draw. L M. Q. REEU8.
Yea—Ed.
Mr. Editor—Upon entering a swell restaurant Is It proper to let the
lady precede you. or should you lead her lnt ANXIOUS.
You don’t have to load ’em. They will drag YOU In,—Ed.
Dear Question Editor—-Several of the things I planted in my garden
are coming up and thriving. When I tell about It, people won’t believe
me; when I show them, they ask who the professional gardener was I
hired Now, I am an amateur and the garden truck Is really growing
beautifully, but what shall I do? BILL JONES.
Quit dreaming and wake up,—Ed.
Sir—1 have got a lot of money. How shall I invest It? I. GOTROJL
Don’t Invest It, keep it. But for ths love of Pete tel! ME hew to
get a lot of money.—Ed.
Mr. Question Editor—In crochettlng a Siamese lambrequin, should i
loop two, draw one, chain four and loop two again, or Is It beet to loop
three and then two alternately between chains, and If so, would you
advise a French knot between each chain? MISS PRIMM.
For a 8lamese lambrequin, why not use Just a plain, ordinary
"twin” atltoh? However, I advise you to send thl« query to one sure
place where It will be answered—Matteawan. I tike the "draw ona”
suggestion, especially at hot weathar la coming on. I didn’t know tha
Slameee wort lambrequin*. Thanka for th* tip.—Ed.
Dear Editor—Will you kindly settle a bet? ’’A’’ (which la me) beta
"B” that John Kuskln was th* greatest writer. "B" saya that Homer wae
the greatest writer. Which wins? HY. BROWB.
You both lose; but modeaty forbid* that I name the greatest
writer,—Ed.
Sir—Who was John Smith? Bet you a wrist watch you cannot
answer this. a. KIDDER.
We admit we have been suspected of murder and convicted of steal
ing milk from a near-sighted Infant, but your bet |e an Inault. Just to
prove that you are extremely dull we will answer your question: He
was a son of Old Man Smith.—Ed.
Dear Mr Question Man—Please tell me what to do for my freckle*?
They are large and dark and numerous. LILLIAN MUSCLE. ■
According to your description they are doing fine, thank you, and 1
you need not do anything mor* for them.—Ed.
Sir—I have begun to study entomology. How can you differentiate
between a honey bee and a hornet? si UNCE.
Catoh one, either, and put him down your neck. If he stings yeu
only once he la a honey baa If he stings you repeatedly he le a
hornet.—Ed.
Question Editor—Why do women want to vote?
MRS. N. QUIRER.
"Because.” We defy you to find a more truly feminine an
swer.—Ed.
Dear Sir—I have some classic melodies, a wonderful plot and some
of the newest Jokes In existence. Would you advise me to write a
musical comedy? WO0DBY DRAMMERTIST.
Assuredly NO. The things you mention have never been incor
porated In a musical comedy.—Ed.
Dear Sir—Can you tell me how far It is to Tipperary?
JESS TERR.
You bet we can. It all depend* on where you are.—Ed.
Question Editor, Misinformation Bureau—When your automobile has
a punctured tire, a clogged carburetter, a leaky gasoline tank, a broken
driving shaft, a broken steering gear, a twisted piston and a broken
spring, what would you do? NOVICE.
Walk,—Ed.
Question Man—Please tell me how to keep mosquitoes out of tl)e
house? EAST ORANGE, N. J.
Alt through Deoember, January and part of February I was quite
successful. In the Summer you might put up a "No Trespass” algn,
or you might move the house three miles out to sea and sink It.—Ed.
Mr. Misinformation Expert—It is nearly vacation time,
please advise me the best place to go for a good rest?
Bed,—Ed.
Will you
O. Q.
Dear Sir—Won’t you pleaee tell me the difference between Love and
Matrimony? GUSSIE M’GIGGLE.
We are neutral and refuse to discuss any war problem.—Ed.
Editor—Why are women wearing furs this Summer?
HER HUSBANDi
Oh, It Is a sort of skin game started by the furriers.—Ed.
Dear Sir—Is there any reason why a woman should not wear these
new and very short skirts? MISS D. STILE.
Yes, Indeed. There are many women who have two reasons.—Ed. j
NOTICE—If you have any questions about anything, send them
to the “Misinformation Editor, City Life Section.” Regular depart- m
merits will be established, covering Matrimony and Indigestion, Love I
and Humor, Gardening and Etiquette, Automobile* and Chafing Dish *
dishes and. In fact, everything and every subject imaginable, and than
some others.—Ed