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nEABST'8 NUN11A Y AMEHICAN, ATLANTA, GA„ SUNDAY, MAY 30, uns.
8 T5
Busted Romances
By T. E. Powers
The Famous Cartoonist
Copyright. 1111, t>7 the BUr OgrejUTi Great Britain Mitta Re■ erred
WHEN John ^oTKoy EHTEREDTHE CAFE
AndSPEEDOLUMTHE WAITER SArP76 H/MSELF;
"Here's where 1 haul down alargf tip
Has N
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Three
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will be
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achieve
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toward
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tion” ii
tensest
John •
stage s
tion. n
ance t
Friday
man,”
tatlon
by Sir
For
/'
And AFTEa SPEEDULUK THE WAITER HAD
POINTED Out 1(3 QtrrRoX ALL OF THE
PRINTED TH INGS ON THE BILL -
(
AND HAD RUSHED IN "TO THE KTTCHENTO
Soak the Cook inthc nose and cook
ANOTHER STEAK For GOTROX -
eL *
FOR ALL HIS “TROUBLE
DID C^dTRoX HAND SP££DULU/A A
FIVE DOLLARTTP ?
i t
AND HAD SHOWN UNUSUAL SPEED
IN SERVINO THE STEAK WHICH
GOTROX ORDERED -
AND HAD LISTENED TOTHE POAR
GOTROX PUT UP ABOUT TH E
.STEAK BEING COOKEOTOO
MUCH -
Jottings About
Smith Creek Folks
Copyright, 1WB, by tb# Star Onpuy,
Op*at Brltats Right* Referred.
T HERE has been a persistent
rumor about for some time
of a war In Europe. We are
In a position to dispel this rumor
right here and now, as Squire
Biggs has Just returned from
Johnson’s Corners (which, for the
benefit of those that don’t get time
to read or travel much, I wish
to state Is the county seat of thta
here oounty), and says nobody
there knows anything about * war;
so, there AIN’T no war.
The new cemetery win be
thrown open to the public next
Sunday. Everybody welcome!
0
When old man Smith failed to
get a license this year, It was eaey
to foresee that the business could
not be continued profitably. Now
that the old man la dead, the heirs
thought It would be no use to keep
the bar open any longer.
\
HE SIMPLY SHOOK 5PEEDULUM
BY THE HAND ANDlbLD HIM To
SAVE HIS PENNIES
In connection with the above,
we wish to deny, once and for all,
and In the most emphatic manner
possible, that Mr. Smith died from
alcoholism. His family assures us
that such was not the case. The
cause of his Immediate demise was
cirrhosis of the liver and paresis
/
IN
A.
Ajllion
YeAR.5
Lem Smart says there’s only
one thing the people of this here
village need wors’n a bank, and
that’s money to put In It.
The circulation of the Smith
Creek Banner has Increased so
much In the past twenty years that
Alonzo Bilberry, the editor, has
finally been obliged to hire some
one to help him deliver the papers.
HTram Billows, who runs the
combined hardware and confec
tionery store, has requested his
customers to write him testimoni
als. All right, HI, here’s ourn: We
have bought hardwear and candy
at your store for the past several
years, and are glad to say we’ve
been able to eat the hardwear.
Anybody that thinks this Is an
Inland town ought to see Main
street on a rainy night
THE MORNING SMILE
WEX JONES Editor
It Looka Like
a Good Year
for the Jereey
VOL. V.
Atlanta, Ga., Sunday, May 30^1915.
No. 33.
IS
jThe Smile’s Great
Inventions
Staff of Scientists Puts
Over Another Win
ner in Serving Hu
manity.
mAi
Boon to Boys Who Bump the
Brew.
M ANY a man whose nose
hes been made as cold
as a dog’s by the froth
which gathers on the top of the
amber will take off bis hat to
the Smile’s scientists when he
glanoee at the sketch which ao-
comp&nles this article.
At Coney Island. In particular,
It takes tn experienced deep-
sea diver to get down through
the froth to the bit of brew at
the bottom of the glass.
It Is In the cause of humanity,
therefore, that the Smile will
send free to any address on re
ceipt of $1,000 Its famous
patented Froth Frustrator.
You can see for yourself what
a convenience the new device
will be to you. The artist, Mr.
Hoban. says: “I don’t care
whether the wind blows or not.
If I have my Froth Frustrator
along."
John J. O’Graw—The Froth
Frustrator Is a great aid In
Spring training.
William J. Ryan—Invaluable
with grapejulce.
Jess PUlard—Blow me tight If
It ain’t the goods
hJ if/
7^
The Smile’s Favorite Froth Frustrator.
Timelock Foams, the
Great Detective
In Whloh the Faithful Potson
Puts One Over on His Cele
brated Friend.
«p C
Our Weekly Health Hint.
The aafest way to eat green
apples is to let the neighbors’
de U.
k OTSOX," said Foams,
“look out of the win
dow at the man on the
other side ef the street and let
pie know what you observe."
I looked out of the window,
and when I saw the man I
Btarted violently. Somehow I
knew that his presence on our
street boded no good.
"Well, Potson,” went on
Foams, "doesn’t that viscous
mass you facetiously call your
brain gather anything from
looking at that man?"
I made no reply, but busied
myself getting my hat and coat.
"Even you, my dear Potson,”
said Foauus, "should be able to
see by the way that man glances
at our windows that he is In
terested In something here. He
Is not In doubt as to our humble
apartments, because one look at
the number would tell him that.
The stranger. Potson. Is deeply
worried, and he Is on hie way
here.’’
Foams paused here for me to
say “marvelous," but Instead I
snapped out that I knew all that
stuff already.
The great detective almost lost
his habitual air of calm.
”1 suppose you know what be
1* earning for, as well?" he said
In a supercilious manner.
"I do,” said I. "and what’s
more, I know he won’t get what
he’s coming for."
"My dear Potson,” exclaimed
Foams, now visibly nettled. ”1
have never failed on a case
which I have undertaken.”
"No matter." I retorted, "that
man Is coming to collect an In
stalment on my phonograph, and
he won't get It."
With that I beat It out the
back way.
IN THE SMILE’S
LETTER BOX
“SPARROW” AS A NICKNAME.
T O THE EDITOR—Why
are so many small men
nicknamed “Sparrow"?
There are many birds smaller
than a sparrow, such as the
wren, bluebird, sprat, minnow,
lentil, shad roe, pinhead, mouse,
black pepper. Think this over.
THOMAS TOOLE.
High Bridge, N. J.
[“Low bridge,"
old top.—ED.]
SUMMER.
TO THE EDITOR—Summer
Is the only Beason of the year
that’s worth a cuss. In Sum
mer we need no ooal. We don’t
have to go around In heavy un
derwear. We get a chance to
grumble at the heat. There are
roof gardens to make you un
comfortable In the evening. The
faus In the subway are put to
work stirring up the germs.
Summer Is the queen of the
seasons.
R. J. HUGGINS.
Far Rockaway, L. I.
NAUTICAL DOPE.
TO THE EDITOR—I visited
the fleet In the North River, aud,
much to my astonishment, I
didn’t hear one sailor exclaim,
“Shiver my timbers ” or “Dash
my toplighta!” I demanded my
money back, but the boatman
refused to come across.
L. V. INGFELD.
Grantwood, N. J.
Did You Know That—
As a rhyme in St. Nicholas
points out, the owl Is most un
grammatical In saying. "To who,
to who,” Instead of “to whom,
to whom?”
But then you can’t expect
much from an owl. aud even less
from a boiled owl?
Etiquette for Everyone
—Everywhere
OopyTlght, 1916, by the Star Company. Great Britain Rights Reserved.
WHAT TO DO WHEN BURGLED.
T HERE are only two things to do when a burglar enters your room
and suggests that you hold up your h^ids. One thing, which is
quite within the limits of etiquette, Is to hold up your hands.
OR you can refuse to do this and the man who lays you out later
will fold them for you across your chest ’
NEVER SNORE In the presence of a burglar. Remember they are
human and cannot stand everything. They might get rattled and knock
your fourteen dollar cut glass punch bowl off the serving table, which
would both awaken and anger you, and you might get up and punch the
burglar.
THAT Is no way to treat him. Remember, he Is a guest In your house
and that politeness should come before cut glass.
"WHO ARE YOU?" Is decidedly crude and impolite. Never say such
words to a burglar. If he cared to make your acquaintance he would
proffer his card. As he remains silent, the chances are he prefers to
stay incognito.
IF he becomes rough and threatening, don’t shout. It isn’t your
treat, anyway. Tell him that If he Is a sport he will go fifty-fifty with
you on all he gets.
THE BEST PLAN Is to get up ^.nd help him. First give him one of
those holiday cigars you have hidden In the bookcase back of the set of
Thackeray which you have never read and never Intend to. Then mix j
him one of your own pet cocktails. If he recovers from all this, bring |
out some of those home-made sinkers and make him a pot of your own
Indestructible coffee.
THEN PHONE FOR THE AMBULANCE.
‘ ETIQUETTE IN SLEEPING CARS.
IF YOU GET LOST In the middle of the night and come back from
the smoking compartment In that dim, ghastly sleeping-car-unreligious
light, there Is always a sure way of finding if you are In the wrong berth.
STICK YOUR HEAD between the curtains and exclaim: “Anybody
home?” If you hear a shrill staccato shriek, or If you receive a fine,
lusty wallop In the eye, the chances are It Is not your berth. If a sharp,
raspy, Henry-peckish sort of voice says, “Where’ve you been all this
time?” duck quickly.
THIS HOLDS GOOD whether you have your wife with you or are
travelling alone, but more especially If the latter Is true.
A Garden Lexicon
Copyright, 1916, by the Star Company. Great Britain Rights Reserved.
P OISON—Hellebore, parls green and many other things which ret
as a sort of tonic for the bugs and worms when they are eating
your garden truck.
PATIENCE—Something that lasts about three weeks when you are
making a garden.
PICK—A dainty little garden tool you are sure to drop on your toe
PROFANITY—-What happens When you drop a pick on your toe.
QUINCE—The thing the fruit agent sells you for a pear tree.
RAKE—A garden tool that keeps getting stones, sticks and rubbish
between Its teeth, and then refuses to work.
ROCKS—The more you pick up out of your garden, the more you
find, except when your neighbor's hens get In the garden, then there
Isn’t a rock In sight.
ROWS—Dong, straight lines where your garden truck would grow
If It only would come up.
ROWS—Seances with your neighbor anent his hens.
SHOVEL—See spade.
SPADE—See shovel.
SPLINTERS—Things that Jump out of the handles of garden tools
and bite you.
SEEDS—An excuse for seed catalogs. Food for hens, crows and
other birds.
SLUGS—A soft, white, velvety fat worm about the consistency of a
custard pla but able to bite his way through the toughest potato, tomato
or other stalk that grows.
SOIL—A cutworm’s boarding house, and a playground for moles.
TOMATOES—-A bright red vegetable, found chiefly In tin cans.
TURNIPS—A coarse, undesirable vegetable, one of the few that will
grow fairly well when all else falls.
TROWEL—A very short Implement noted chiefly foT Its ability to
give you a backache.
TOIL—See “work.”
WORK—See “Toil."
WEEDS—Nine tenths of your garden by June 16.
WORMS—Little things that make big troubles In a garden.
WATER—Very good for a garden, but not very encouraging for a
gardener.
X—An unknown quantity. For example, your garden truck.
YARD—Frequently used as the site of a garden. Generally the
garden Is a sight.
YAP—A man who believes everything he reads In a seed catalog.
A Compersishun—By waium Jones—nth craw
Copyright, 191S, by tb* Star Company.
Great Britain Right* Res erred.
T HIS weak’s compersishun Is
about A. Paul 0, but the
teecheur didunt say why he
parted his natm In the mlddul with
a lnlshul on each end.
Gee, I forgot moast of what I red
about A. Paul O as soon as I red it.
and teechur wouldn't let us look In
our books agen. But A. Paul O was
a perfect gentllman; I remember
the book said that. I meen he was
a perfect form guy, Just like a
strong man In a show.
A. Paul O was the sun of Jew-
peter and a woman naimed Lay-
tona. Jewpeter was Merkery’e
father, two, whltch we wrote about
last time, but I guess he married
again cause it was a diffunt mothur
A. Paul O had. — --
A. Paul O was a twin, his othur
half bein’ a gurl naimed Dinah,
whltch I think Is negroe, because
we have a cook naimed Dinah. But
A. Paul O was verry handsum. But
he was stuck on himself becaws he
kep having statchews maid of him
everrywhear. He had a statchew
of himself maid for our publlok 11-
berrary.
He must have spent so mutch
monney havin’ statchews maid of
himself he couldn’t buy no closes
Good nite, if I went around like he
did Ide be pinched In five minutes.
Enny way nobudy ever got nothin’
on A. Paul O. When he was drest
up like the pitcher In my mlthology
book, he wore a Turkesh towtl—•
gee, what a sinch for a guy!
Next weak teechur says we got
to write a comperslshnn about
Dinah, who was A. Paul O'a twin
elstur, - ,
{