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BIST HUMOR, MOVING
PICTURES, VAUDEVILLE.
ATLANTA, GA., SUNDAY, JUNE 13, 1915.
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SOME SUMMER RECIPES
Copyright, 1S16, by the Star Company Oreat Britain Right* Reserved
TO MAKE AN IDEAL WIFE.
F ALL In iove with a girl, then let her marry some other chap. Remem
ber her birthdays and other anniversaries with roses and other gifts,
be a kind and gallant guest whenever Invited to dine, and all your
life you will believe your friend who married her has an ideal wife.
Other recipes are not reliable. 1 These are the only really ideal wires
in the world.
TO MAKE A SUMMER GIRL.
To make a Summer Girl, take an ordinary girl and garnish her with
one-quarter coquetry, one-quarter flirtatlveness. one-quarter dance and
one-quarter laziness.
Add to this one large, well-developed mania for collecting solitaires,
one very small and very much to the almost transparent bathing suit;
one tennis racket (knowledge of game not needed), one large collection
of Summer frocks, fifteen dozen pairs silk hose In all sorts of styles,
shades and patterns.
When thUB equipped add one fetchlngly coy coiffure, one well-made
complexion, one baby stare and set on hotel veranda to giggle
ro MAKE A SUMMER RESORT MAN (SO-CALLED).
Taku on* cfiuau). Add on* nao-aesks vacation and salary in adianco
for Bame. To this stir In two pairs white flannel trousers, one pair white
shoes, two nowhere-near-sllk shirts, four H«vingd>ellup-us cravats and ons
college haircut.
To this add one supply cigarettes Imported from Jersey City, ability
to dance and a quantity of plffletalk, otherwise known aa "small chatter.”
Thus equipped, stroll on beach, taking care not to wet feet, as the
soles of those $1.66 sport shoes dissolve when wet; loll on veranda smok
ing cigarettes, talk of yachts, the Riviera and how disconsolate you are
that the war makes it Impossible to run over to Urrup as per usual this
season.
Mix with some moonlight nlghta and canoes tnd girls, spending two
weeks’ salary during first five days. Then hurry back to town after an
nouncing that something la wrong In Wall street and the Morgans have
sent for you.
TO MAKE A 8UMMER VACATION ENGAGEMENT.
Take one vivacious wise girl looking for a maximum of fun with a
minimum of seriousness and one young man looking for sentimental con
quest that will give him a wealthy papa-ln-law Place fheae In a shady
lane In the country, or on a mossy bank beside a bubbling stream, or In
a canoe on a calm lake In moonlight Add plenty of talk about Hero
and Leander. Paris and Helen. Dante and Beatrice. Alternate with dis
cussion* on romance, quotations from Tennyson and Bertha M. Clay, and
JESS WILLARD TELLS
WHY CLEAN LIEE PAYS
Remarkable ontobioKraphy of world champion
pugilist is now running in gripping daily stories in
THE ATLANTA GEORGIAN. It'a a great, lesson to
everybody—a clean, straightforward story of a clean
career.
DON’T FAIL TO READ IT
Our Bureau of
Misinformation
Ask Us Any Question. What Do We Care?
Copyright, 1»15, by th* Star Company. O-rewt Britain Rights Reserved.
Q UESTION DEPT.. CITY LIFE SECTION—If your mother was a
German and your father an Englishman, what would you do?
HYPHEN.
Beat it—Ed.
Sir—Who holds the long-dlstanoe hemmer-ttaonrlng record?
SPORT.
T. Rooeevelt—Bd.
Dear Mr. Editor—1 am a European gtrl. 1 had a sweetheart am
told him I would merry him If he wouldn't go to war, but he enlisted a.
went to the front and la fighting. What do you think of him?
B8TELLB.
I think he la a coward,—b.
Information Bureau—Why do people commute?
There le no answer to your question.—Id.
CURIOUS.
tjnery Editor. Sir—in the celebrated and popular card game sailed
'Five Hundred." why do they always call the cards left for the one who
makes trumps to pick up, "The WldowT" GAMESTER.
Because you never oan tell Ed.
Dear sir—Am I right? hbouM I address you as Sir or Madamt
Which are you? PHUNN1E.
My dear “Phunnle,” I am neither. I am only an editor.—Ed.
Honored Sir—My son has just been graduated from several unA
versifies He Is anxloue to beoome a Journalist. What do You sdvlee?
PATER.
If he desires to become a Journalist, let him do It. Moat of ’em
start In as Journalists. If he haa any ambition and any merIVIn him,
ha will work up from Journalist to editor, and from editor to reporter,
and from reporter to an all-around newspaper man, and he will, H
good far anytlhng, do thle despite hie education.—Ed.
Mister—My teeohur asked me why they called the Ded Sea the De
l. Please tell me. EDDIE JONES
Always glad to help the youngsters, Eddie. Now get thle antwe
straight and tell your teacher to-morrow. They call the Dead Sea th-
Dead Sea because that Is Its name.—Ed.
Der / Sir—Kindly help me with your expert advice. I live In a
atyiah -pfcrtment, and tne neighbor* behind the next partition have a
piano, a practicing child, a msobanlcal player and about a thousand
records. What shell I do? UPTOWN.
That all depends. If you are mualoal, move. If you do not know-
anything about music, get a large, vigorous trombone and play It—Ed,
Mr. (?) Man—l want you to tell me Juet what the iun-spots are and
what they do? ASTRONOMER.
I did know, but I forgot. However, If you are en astronomer,
what business have you out In the daytime?—Ed.
Mr. Misinformation—if you bad *1,0*11,000 what would you do?
JAY DEE R-OCKB REARER.
I I t I II I I I I I I—Ed.
My Dear Sir—When the oockoo on your enckoo clock refuses to
••cuckoo," what la the matter? MECHANIC.
It le a algn ha la not having a good time.—Ed.
repeat several nights.
When young man bubbles a proposal, have him add one small self air*
to girl's temporarily unengaged finger, this to set him back four months'
wages. At end of two weeks young man to go back to work, girl to
repeat and land another solitaire. In Fall girl to fall to recognize anj
of these young men.
TO MAKE A SUMMER HOTEL,
To one large, ancient, unscreened Grecian barn, with Rutherford B.
Hayes administration plumbing, add straw matting carpets, Grand Rapids
come-wrecked furniture and Paleolithic period mattresses.
Install eome girls who have been working in a brick factory for
waitresses, one to every twelve people, these girls taking up profession
of waitress as a pastime.
Have hotel facing barn on north, bill-boards on south, clump of ltlao
bushes on east and blacksmith shop on west. Stock up with canned
goods, evaporated fruits, storage eggs and salt pork, install a broken
down ex-hack driver as chef, and your hotel la nearly ready
Now secure a bunch of frigid old hens to sit on veranda and gossip,
and three families of seven or eight, children each, said children to squall
and fight and whine throughout day, and If the temperature remains 97 In
the ha-ie throughout summer you will have a typical country Bummer
result.
Editor—Wtien your wife wants you to go to the opera and yon want
to stay home and reet, what Is the very beat thing for you to do?
BEN E. DICT. -
Go.—Ed.
Misinformed Editor of This Section. My Dear Sir—I am trying to
learn how to be a cook. I can already boll water, providing I have a
kettle, a hot fire and some water, and now 1 wish to learn even more
To begin with, 1 want to know about cooking eggs. Tell me, kind air.
how do you drop an egg? b. GINNHR.
Let go ef It—Ed.
Question Editor, Sir—My husband objects to my being In the kitchen
He always hires a very pretty young maid for me and a pretty cook, but
I like to be In the kitchen. Am I right? MRS. PUZZLED.
When a wife haa a beautiful ^oung cook, her place la oartalnly
In the kitchen when her hueband It home.—Ed.
Sir—My old maid aunt eaye It isn't nice to kisa a pretty girl the first
time you see her. How about It? BILJL
Your aunt la wrong; It 18 nloe.—Ed.
Query Ed —Sir: While running my Flivver car at half a mile an hour
I was arrested. Wae It because I was eiceedtng the speed limit?
AWTOE1ST.
If you had run your Fllwer on the sidewalk, out of the way
of the automobllee, you would not have been arreeted. If you art
over arreeted for violating the spaed limit with a Flivver, get an
affidavit and the manufacturer will pay you a thousand dollars
for th# advertisement.—Ed.
Editor—Honestly, now, did a vacation ever benefit anyone?
CURIOUS.
I know seven 8ummor resort proprietors who own automo
biles.—Ed.
Misinformation Bureau—My son says he hatea school; he says he
does not care at all for history or any other atudy. He further states
most emphatically that he had rather play ball than do examples In vulgar
fraction*. What shall 1 do about this dreadful situation? PATER
Give three rousing cheere that you have a boy who tell* the
truth.—Ed. ..
Mr. Asklt Editor—I married a French widow of a German, and t
Ive together with my English mother. Italian grandmother and Austrii
Hint.. I sm very much perturbed. What course shall I take?
Take a course of cyanide of potaealum. Heaven I* the only
neutral place left, and even there they are a bit prejudiced
l agalnat the .—Ed. - i