Newspaper Page Text
BIST HUMOR, MOV1NO
PICTURES, VAUDEVILLE.
SUN
ATLANTA, IIA., SUNDAY, JULY 4, 1915.
Late Sport News in
This Section
Besides cartoons by that funny fellow,
Po-vers, and the regular issue of “The
Morning Smile.”
The Day We Graduate
Our Own Almanac
JULY
Copyright. »TS. by the Rear Company. Or»*t Britain Rltrhte Ri sk wed.
TMi month bog In* the one hundred and thirty-ninth year of our
pondonco, speaking a a a nation, not aa a married man.
biographical, hlttori-
cal and considerable
guntt-vxrrk at to thingt
that have and toili bap-
pen in thle tcrappg old
v>orld.
Now the dagt SS
gin to got thorUr.
Bo doet overj one
eraepi Bemmor e»
tori proprietor*.
tTIdeon Wefloa born at Ciastonbury, Conn.
rhte date. ISO*. Despite that he became Secre
tary of the Navy under Lincoln.
Them wea the food old days. bed e
real nary then and a real Secretary.
Rent paid. x V
Week of vacation money gone.
How They Elected Electra, the Purtiest Gurl, to Be the Live Wire Goddess of the Shock
E VERY so often and ever so often a wildfire alarm Is rung around
the country for all the bewful dames In the U. 8. of A. to send
In their pictures, stating weight, height and previous ccmdtsh of
servitude, If any. So about that time there's a big spurt in the photogra
pher's trade, especially If he's the kind who can make a gurl look like
what she ain’t.
Well, on this occasion, the National Prosperity Campaign, which
has been organised to make us all think hard times are o’er, alas, and
henceforth It s gonna be soft, Is boosting electricity. And the emblem of
the boost has gotta be a gurl—Electra by name, but If yuh know her
well lust call her Lecky.
Electricity is the national juice (If Mr. Ben Franklin is in the crowd
will he please step forward and say a few words?). Next December
we’ll all be lit up for a week, every town and dump In the country, and
we must all look forward to being In a state of Incandescence for that
Jime. It's gonna be "Electrical Prosperity Week.” Big racket.
To select a design for the agitation, this Nash Pross Camp aforesaid
collected the chromos of a few thousand zippy gazelles and eased them
Into our vision at the Blltmore a while ago. A gang of artists were
made to judge, and our official personal Job was Controller of the
Artists—-to hold them In, as twere. while they screamed their delight or
disgust over the competition. Then the real live ones strolled in and
we compared them with their pictures. A pleasant afternoon was had
by all.
Electra’s Jury convened In the Presidential suite, where none but
Woody Wilson has ever trod before. We all sat around a long table
with a green cloth on it, all ready for a little faro game, when the
foreman of the meeting produced the bunch of lucky photos from which
we were to draw. In his own silvery diction, and clear, unfaltering voice,
he spoke these sentiments:
"Gents, we have discarded sev'ral thousand faces which we deemed
unsulted to repasent the statuesque Electra. The competition has
brought out a new type of American gell—one that is robust, even power
ful in architecture—and dealt a blow at the gell of the trotterles, the
slender, svllf-like miss whose frail sussiety slouch figger was thought
Inappropriate for the Junoeaque goddess of prosperity. The gell chose
l
Copyright, 1S15, by the Star Company. Great Britain Rights Reserved-
will be reproduced more'n a hundred million times on all sortsa adver
tising matter. She’ll be the most copied gell In America long afore the
campaign closes. I thank you.” (Business of bowing and passing
cigars.)
Now, what could be fairer'u that?
They paseed around the photos, and we voted. There were tall fat
gurls and short transparent ones, gurls sitting on fences and gurls sit
ting on moons, looking up hopeful and looking down shy, and some
looking two ways at once. One gurl wrote on backa her picture: "If
you're looking for a strong goddess, that’s me. I always been used
to hard work" She looked It. She's prob'ly a tombstone cutter’s
assistant, and carries marble blocks around for him on her thigh.
Besides electing Electra, we hadda elect four Electrlquettes, as
slstants and understudies, yussee, to repasent other forms of plenty. So
we tried to do what was right, though It came hard at times
Some reporters eased In, and rubbered around, and wanted to know
wbat’s matter In here. We Just told ’em to run along They’re getting
terrible Inquisitive these days. A woman reporter was there, too, and
she was summat of a looker herself, so we told her we were gonna vote
for her. And she handed us a hot come-back by saying: “You better
look out, or I'll write you up That's sump'm we’ve always wanted to
have done to us—be written up, although we hate notoriety. It's wery
wulgar.
We’re not quite through yet, but we’U tell how the thing came out
right here, so those who haven't time to read any further can quit. The
one who won was Miss Flossie Cazazza, and we fondled three or four of
her photos in ancient Greek costume. She looked very Juno and, though
there was nothing shocking about the pictures, she looked very well
acquainted with electricity.
Then all the girls came In the next room and did a grand parade
for ua, forming In squares and circles. This was where the party began
to wax Interesting, and everybody forgot all about the photographs.
They were models with limber necks, movie actorlnes with wistful ayes,
chorines In all their war paint—all culled from the lofty professions
where beauty is a ekln game But they got us all very arrive, and many
addresses and phone numbers began to be taken down.
James appeared with a tray of beveragea, and there was wassail.
Sev'ral dames claimed they were embarrassed and didn’t care to be
discussed and looked at so searchlngly. No, embarrassed could not
be pronounced embraced. This was a purely business meeting, con
ducted under strict Markee de Queensberry rules.
Nearly all of the gurls wanted to know what the Idea was, and let’s
see the prizes, and FI! take mine In money. The typical American chicken
is so commercial. We tried to explain the proposition, and told 'em
Electra was Jove’s daug er. What Jove? By Jove? No, Electra was
Mars’s sister. Aw. Mars is a star. Then we tried to tell 'em about
how they all lived at Olympus, and one said: "Oh, yeh, where they hold
the athaletlc games We tried to make It all Greek to ’em, but got
kidded at every turn. The conclusion Is that It doesn’t pay to be educa
tional.
Nevertheless, we advanoed the view that It was tho best looking
buneha femininity ever herded together In one room any place any time.
An artist there from Turkey took umbrage, and said the Caucasians and
harem queens from Asia Minor had 'em beat to a frizzle. Whereupon we
contended that Turk gurls are fat. and only show their faces from the
eyes up. So he turned away, crestfallen, when he saw that we knew all
the secrets of his country
A picture was taken up In the Italian gardens, where tt happened
that Vern Castle and Mrs. were sitting at the time, letting several hun
dred pussons watch them set the style In wrestling with lemonade.
Well, that picture was some groups goddesses. Every gurl'd like to be
a goddess and bend right down to a diet of nectar, ambrosia and
cologne. Who wouldn't like to say she posed for the Statch of Liberty,
or Diana on Madison Square Garden, or the stout girl on toppa the Capitol
at Washington, or even for Charley Gibson?
Some day we’re gonna start a ugly girl contest, and after we’ve
called In all the worst knockers of the town to pick the winner we’ll
take her picture around to the magazines and let ’em bid on it for a
cover.
But Electra and her lour assistants will make us ail speed up a lew i
voHr
10
Sat.
11
Woodrow- Wilson nominated three yaaM *|A
to-day.
He ha* our sympathy—end euppost.
Prancols Huber, the blind Swiss naturalist,
born this data, 17V 1 . He knew all about bees.
What of R? Too don't have to see a bee t*
know he 1* sitting on yon.
Oopley, our only native painter of sYffl bel
fore the Revolution, born In Boston this data,
1787.
Practically all of bis pictures w.
by hand.
"Don't drfnk too much lee water' la
of Health advice.
Is the custom of drinking water etlH
lent?
Tno~ Fourth of July always ootnes OS
date.
The safe and sane fireworks laws bare put
a almp In the crutch and artificial eye and
limb buslnees.
On this date, 188 yean ago. we announced
that we would be free and Independent.
We did throw off England’s yoke, but Old
Man Hymen la still on tho yoke Job.
We also kicked about taxation wtthoat repre
sentation.
Yet how many of us. who have been taxed
to the limit for wife’s gown* and spending
money, are represented when she lunches and
dance* at an afternoon tango parlor?
P. T. "Barnura born In Bethel, Conn. Mft
the accent on the abbreviation of the Stats),
this date, W10.
His Invention of mixing up freak*, educa
tional stunts, yodlers, gymnasts and lecturer*
has been copied by the Cha-taTk-qna Society.
How Ao you feel after the double ’holiday]' “
Uh. huh. Moot of us do.
It will wear away by to-morrow.
John Paul Jones born in Scotland this
1747. ,
Being Scotch be never let earthing get
from him.
Philip Sin* Physlek (ye gods, what a
and why sing 7) born In Philadelphia this
1768. A most eminent American surgeon.
Noted because he didn't run away during
yellow fever eptdemlo.
Why fear a little thing like yellow fewer
a name like that?
ftltx (ireena Halleok, distinguished ,
poet, born at Guilford. Com. this data, 173ft.
He wrote: .gjj
“At midnight. In his guaaded tent.
The Turk lay dreaming of the hoar'
Prol-aMy a printer** mistake; that last word
Should have been “hour!."
" ft;la* Howe blorh Spencer, Mud, lilt,
date.
He Invented the sewing roachtna.
But it wasn’t popular.
While tt would sew all right It wonVtnfit get
dinner, do the washing, nurse baby, bring la
the kindlings, make beds, etc, etc.
"Have a fish dinner every FrldayT says *
oook book. What la a fish's dinner?
Christopher Columbus born In Genoa,
1488.
According to rumor, he eras a saflor.
Robert Chamber*. LL.D. born at
Scotland, 180*.
He wrote •'Information for the People,"
sold 200,000 copies.
Anyone who can make such a hit a*
without getting a sex problem plot In Ms
Is some writer.
away
that
book
Ban.
LTeorge Fm boni (n England this JateTYSKHS
No. he didn’t Invent the Fox trot.
But he founded the Society at Friend*, or
Quakers.
~1T
Mon.
13
14
Tues.
Wed.
This Is tbs day the scrub lady come* it >
the washing for the woman of the houae.
Julius Caesar born this date, 100 B. C.
July In named In his honor.
He once captured the world, but being eut
by several of his acquaintances, was "exiled"
from It Into another country.
John Dee. a famous magi. fan. horn this
1527.
But he wasn't tn It with another John IX
when it came to turning crude petroleum Into
solid gold.
Isaac Watts IX D., bonTJuTy 14, 1874,
He was the popular song writer of religion.
*To Be Continued a Woek from Neat SuncUyJ
*