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Doings of the Junk Family
By T. E. Powers, the Famous Cartoonist.
Coorrtrht &T th« *t«T CompAny, Great Britain Rlrhts RAMrvi-*
Interviews with
Celebrities
—By Penelope Sobsistar,
“Tom, the Piper’i Son”
GopTrigfet 1*1®. fh * 8t*»
Great Britain Rl£Mi
‘I
HATE to eend a dettoata,
fragile, female oat on «n
asslglpment like tht*. J
think I had better eend a ooopl*
husky men reporters along with
yon.” said the editor of the City
Life Section to me, "beoauae I’m
going to send yon out to Interview
a thief. His name is Tom. and he
Is the son of a piper."
"Piker?” I asked.
“No—no; piper," replied the edi
tor.
“Bagpipes or a plumber?" I
asked.
Probably a plumber; the other
Isn’t a thief, merely a murderer
of quiet”
But I wasn’t afraid of a thief, se
I ventured out alone. It took me a
long time to find him, and where
do you suppose he was, and what
do you suppose he was doing?
Never mind. Don’t try to take up
space trying to guess. I win tell
you. He was a professor of en-
thology In a famous oollege.
"Quite right quite right," he
said, when I asked him ff he was
the men who stole the pig, and the
brazen chap actually laughed at It
This angered me, because I believe
In law and order, so I quoted:
"Tom, Tom, the Piper’s son.
Stole a pig and away he run!"
The professor of enthology shud
dered and paled.
"Horrors!’’ he exclaimed, "do
not repeat that again; it la a
crime. Say 'Away he ran’.”
"But mother Goose said ’rum.’"
I Insisted.
"Mother Goose was a personage
of rather inferior intellect, I fear,"
said the professor, shuddering an
other aesthetic shudder. "Of
course, she never tfad a university
training, and I doubt, my dear
young woman—when you are thir
ty-eight it’s simply GRAND to be
called a "young woman’—If she
could even tell the dlfferenoe be
tween the figure writing of the
Aztecs and the signal fires of the
Alaskan Tlnglingt ahoriglnees."
This peeved me a whole lot.
"But yon stole a pig!” I snapped.
"Most assuredly I did. In the
days of my adolescence I purloined
a young specimen of the genu* bus,
but T assure yon It was merely a
prank. We put the little beast la
the Greek professor's bed. tntnr
It was returned to Its rightful
owner."
Anyway. 1 have cleared Tom’s
name.
The Mae Who
Ha* Mossy
to Bu
THE MORNING SMILE
WEX JONES Editor
VOL. V.
Atlanta, Ga., Sunday, July 4, 1915.
NO. 38.
BOON TO WIVES
Smile’s Staff of Scien
tists Produces New
Device for (Jetting
Hubby Home.
NO MORE NIGHTS OUT.
E VER since the days of Eve
wives have needed a
device such as that illua-
trated on this page l^>ok at
tha drawing of the Smile’s
Twentieth Csntury Husband
Home Hauler, and you’ll see why
no wife can afford to be without
one.
Tho Illustration explains tha
action of the device. Wlfey slips
up to the swinging door, throws
the patent foot-yanker under
neath, and when It touches
hubby’s ankle ahe gives the gas
to the Hauler, and they’re off
homeward.
Thla la one thing women don’t
need the ballot to vote for.
rufcpk
The Smile’s Husband Home Hauler.
Timelock Foams, the Great Detective
The Adventure of the Idle Man.
HOW TO—
Make a break. Drop half a
dozen of the best dinner plates.
V
Rise In the world.
#f yeast.
Eat a cake
«p C
Take a tumble to yourself.
Step on a banana peel.
Prevent drowning. Don’t go
near the water.
Get planked shad. Plank down
a plunk and they’ll plunk down
the plank.
^)ur Weekly Health Hint.
In’h
k OTSON," said the great
detective, "look through
that window and tell
me what you sea’’
"I see a man." 1 answered.
"Excellent, Potaon, excellent.
tVe shall make something of you
yet. Your brain, as you are
pleased to call It. Is working
unusually well to-day. True
enough, there Is a man In thera
And now. Potson, tell me what
Lie man is doing."
"He Is Idle,” said I, after close
inspection of the men stretched
out In a Morris chair.
"Tut, tut, my dear Potson;
your natural stupidity reasserts
Itself. The man is performing
his task."
"I can’t see how,” I replied.
"He’s just lying around In a com
fortable chair, as far as 1 can
see.”
"Molasses. Potson. cold mo
lasses fills your cranial cavity.
That man is performing hi* daily
task. He has nothing to do and
he's doing it."
"But”
"Don’t be a butter, Potson.
Butting Is a sign of mental in
feriority.’’
Foams la a great detective,
but when it comes to politeness,
good night
IN THE SMILE'S
LETTER BOX
Our Own Nut
Column
With gratification Uke unto
that of a squirrel at dinner The
Senile announces that it has se
cured the services of Professor
Orackit, of Hatley, X. J, inventor
of the nut sundae, to advise all
persons who feel that the "round
house is Ifa'oid of locomotives."
Following is the professor’s first
articlet
By Prof. I. L. L. Orackit.
TIPS AND TIPPERARY.
To the Editor—I read the
following In the St Louis Globe-
Democrat:
"Tip but rarely" is the
slogan of an anrl-tlpplng so
ciety. says the Milwaukee
Sentinel. It's a long, long
way to tip but rarely.
There would also be a long,
Ion* wait for the waiter by the
customer who d tip but rarely.
• SAM THil SOCIOLOGIST,
What kind of a Nut are yon?
Size up your shell and then send
the answer to me
Are you beset by Fears?
Banish them. I know a young
man who Feared to ask for a Job.
He never got one. despite the
fact that his father Is a million
aire. and now all he has to do la
to run his automobile and sleep.
What a life!
1 know another youth who
Worried constantly till finally he
got married. Now his wife does
the Worrying.
Still another was beset by
Anger At last, having triumphed
at home, he tried It out on a
subway guard He’s holding hi*
own In the hospital.
Worry, Fear. Anger are the
three Enemies of Mankind. Oast
them aside. Here is my advloe
In a nutshell: Stand before a
cracked mirror, look yourself In
the phiz and thrice repeat:
"Oh, Nut; I see thee not.”
Then rap thrice on your Dome,
if there is no reverberation It Is
a sign of Solid Ivory. But cheer
up!
Don't be a Peanut; be a
Hickory Nut,
WITH THE COLLEGE WITS
THE CHANGING
PANORAMA OF LIFE.
Copyright, 1915, by the Star Company.
Sir Lionel—My wife objects to
this knight work.
Orest Britain Right* Reserved,
and practises on the piano, and I
daren’t say a word.
The Unwilling Worm.
Before Marriage.
Appropriate.
PHE—Jack, you are the sweetest
** man. Oh, how I love you!
Jack (pinching her cheek)—How
much?
((MOW do you sell your music?”
** “We sell piano music by
the pound and organ music by the
choir."
After Marriage.
She—Jack, you are the sweetest
thing. Oh, how I love you!
Jack (reaching toward his vest
pocket)—How much?
False Modesty.
But—
44/xONFESSION is good for the
soul."
“Yes, but it’s bad for the repu
tation."
/XO-ED—That was a pretty speedy
fellow that you met last night,
wasn’t It?
Ypsl person—Lord, no!
Co-ed—What do you mean?
Ypsl person—Why, he would
think it out of place to kiss the
blarney stone until he bad seen It
for at least the third time.
And None Were Found.
piLK—Several patients who had
* St Vitus’s dance escaped from
the insane asylum.
Bilk—How?
Pllk—Why, they broke into a
ballroom where the late dances
were being done, and no one could
tell them from the guests.
At the Beach.
«JJOWS she dressed?"
rjAMON RUNYON and Sid Mer-
^ cer. New York sporting writ
ers, were fishing In Great South
Bay one Saturday afternoon In the
Autumn. Mercer caught fish regu
larly. Runyon had never a nibble.
Finally he reeled In.
"Come on. Sid; let’s quit," he
said.
"Why?" Inquired Mercer.
"There’s an hour yet before dark."
“I think I might as well quit,"
eald Runyon sadly; "my worm’*
not trying."
"Tan, mostly."
Proprietor Relished ’Em.
Knight of the Garter?
MERRY KING ART—Now Just
*’* whet are your reasons for
wishing to resign from the Round
Table?
Retaliation.
/■•IBBS—Does your wife ever
scold when you have been out
late at the club?
Dibbs—Never! 8he merely gets
up at 4 o'clock the next morning
PUBSCRIBER—That was a grand
^ paper you got out last week.
Country Editor—I am glad to
hear that you were pleased with it.
Subscriber—Them stories you
had In about them fellers bein’
cured of long-standln’ diseases
were the entertalnlngest bits of
news I’ve read for a long time.
A Revised Version.
xitIZEN—-Why stand ye here aS
" the day Idle?
Lounger—We are city employe*,
Good Place.
MODD—How Is the mnslo In tha
Blngbang restaurant?
Tom—Wonderful! I was to
there with my wife for an hour the
other evening and oouldnt bear a
word she said.
Feeding Huerta’s Family
Copyright, 1015, by th« Star Company,
By WATT A. LYRE.
Our Special Long Island Correspondent.
O LD VIC HUERTA, who used to have a fine Job as Dictator of
Mexico, has not altogether given up the dictating business since
he came to Forest Hills to live. A large part of his time Is spent
now In dictating orders to the butcher and the grocer so he can feed his
large and hungry family. Forty-two steaks was the order for the first
day's lunch, and it took ten turkeys to make the family dinner that
night.
Hordes of newspapermen have tried to Interview Vic since he came
Into our midst, but 1 am the only one who succeeded. I had a beat, and
the others had to beat it It was a simple enough matter to get an au
dience with the old boy. I Just disguised myself as his old friend Villa.
As I have a Vlllanous look anyway. I didn’t need much make-up.
As soon as he saw me he greeted me with acclaim. My creditors
greet me that way, too, but they spell It In two words. He took me
right in and gave me some fine old Spanish wine After I drank a few
glasses I found, much to my surprise, that I could talk Spanish quite
fluidly. The interview was conducted entirely in that language, but I
had to let Vic be the conductor.
Rumor has It that Vic brought about seven million dollars along
with him from Mexico, i don’t knew about tbat, hut i do Know that- be
Great Britain Right* Re*erved.
brought nearly that many relatives He Introduced me to the wfcolw
gang, and I nearly wore off the hinges of my tongue saying "Chill con
carne," which Is Spanish for "Pleased to meet you.” By the time I got
through shaking hands with the bunch, my arm felt as tf I had pitched
a whole world's series.
You may think that It’s more or less of a Job to feed tho missus and
little Reginald and Clarice, but what would you do If you had to furnish
grub for a bunch like that? It can’t be done, unless you have the In
come of a bank president or a Broadway waiter. Any ordinary pay en
velope wonld Just shrivel up and die at the thought of settling tha
board bill for that young army.
When he was In Mexico, the food problem didn’t worry Vie very
much. All he had to do was to requisition all the stuff he wanted, but
the canny natives of Long Island won't stand for anything like that.
They refuse to part with anything except In consideration of cash to
them to hand paid. The table groans under the weight of the good
things that Vic sets before his family, but it doesn’t groan nearly aa
loud as Vic does. The tradespeople of Long Island think he Is the best
of the good things.
Even Vic's bank roll, healthy and husky as It la, couldn’t stand tha
drain If he didn’t have some way of supplementing his Income. In strict
confidence he told me what his system is. He Just bets everybody who
comes along that tbw gaa't PMflOUBCa bis nam$ cojriectjy, and be ab
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