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————— ATLANTA, GA, SUNDAY, JANUARY 16, 1916 f'""'—“—)‘- S . ,
0, Love, What Crimes Are Committed in Thy Name!
By T. E. Powsrs, the. Fameoqs Cartoouls! |
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Ernest Truex and Jack Hazzard in “Very Good, Eddie”
RNTE—The purser on the boat said if I mentioned him to you you'd
E take good care of me. I'd like a nice room.
JACK—With, without, or family style?
ERNlE—What's family style? ;
JACK—Saturday night privileges.
ERNIE—I guess you don't know who T am, do you!?
JACK—Nope. Smatter, can'tcha gev anybody to tell yuh?
¥RNIE—WeII, I guess I'll go to my room.
JACK—Nix. The last guy that trimmed me told me he was Vernon
Castle. Pay in advance.
ERNIE—AII right. Here. Now, how’'ll I know which is my room?
JACK—Chase down the corridor till you hear a voice say, “Sir!”
It’s the next room.
ERNIE—I never heard of such a town as this. No night trains. No
boats. Can’t get out till morning.
JACK—Don't weep on me. Write to the president of the company
about it.
PRNIF—But how do you villagers get algng under such econditions?
JACK--Most of the people in this town have gone away and the rest
have been here so‘long they don't care.
- BRNIE—Say, I just had a laok at my room. It won’t do. Haif of
"the room is vccupied by the roof.
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JACK—You've got nothin’ on me. My bed’s painted on the wall.
ERNIE—Don’t go away, please. 5
JACK—Listen! If anybody asks for the bellboy, porter, clerk, head
waiter or chambermaid, I'll be right back.
ERNIE—I feel that I am about to burst into song.
JACK—Go ahead. You stay here and strain your voice. I'm going
out and strain the silk. .
ERNIE—TeII me, isn’t there any other way to get to Pokipsy axcept
by crossing down the river?
JACK—Yes. Take a train down to Weehawken, cross to New York
and take a train up from Grand Central.
ERNIE—That was a terrible boat we came up on. We didn’t have
any stateroom. " 4
JACK—What'd you do all night?
ERNIE—It was a day line. We didn’t.
JACK—Better stay here a while and rest up.
ERNIE—TI'd like to go hunting. Are there any muce around here?
1 JACK—What? Muce? Well, I'll speak to the cat about it.
ERNTE—No. I mean big muce, with horns and everything.
JACK—Oh! Moose? Well, there was one over ou the hill once, but
everybody shot at him, so he wentwway,
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NOTES OF Youßs — | ‘
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BRNIE—How far is it back to New York!?
JACK—Eighty miles, as the Ford fiies.
ERNlE—Somebody wants you on the phone.
JACK (at phone)—You did? Well, I'll tell him to pull down the
ghade at once.
ERNIE—Are you the watchman at this hotel, too?
JACK—You try a little transom work, and see.
ERNIE—What was your job before you landed here?
JACK-—I was cashier in a police station. Counting the coppers. |
ERNIE—At home were you an only child? )
JACK—Nope. Triplets. I'm the one they saved. Why, I know yow
You’ré an old playmate of mine,
ERNIE—Anda now, just think. I'm married.
JACK—Yep. They're making husbands smaller every year.
ERNlE—You're married, too, aren’t you?
JACK—Oh, yes. My wife thinks the world of me. Says I'm so
gtrong and handsome,
ERNIE—Yes, you're strong. g 3
& JACK—Say, if you don’t mind, I'm thirsty.
ERNIE—Oh, 1 don’t mind.
JACK —Well, then, I'll just step back to tjs kitchen and water the
sat’s milk !
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Late Sport News
. . .
in This Section
—_—
Besides cartoons by that funny fel
low, Powers, and the regular issue of
“The Morning Smile.” :
from N. Y. Auto Show
Ooprvight, 1016, by e Siar Company. Geeat Britaie Rights Remeremt
ERE'S & little New Year's joy tip: By the end of 1916 one out of
H every eight families in this moneystricken nation will find Reel
laden down with a motor car.
SO, If you don't belong 1o any special family right now, hurry and
hook up to one, and you'll stand & good show of sitting In on the great
gasoline glide. It's a pipe, for In your efforts to establish & family, or
got established. you can't go wrong more'n seven tmes. The eighth shet
is bound to cop the buzs buggy
That's the line of lubrication the sales boys rubbed into us at the
annual auto urge st Grand Central Palsce, anyhow, As we draped owr
Ured person over the alluring becushioned part of a flossy rear seal, we
felt willing to admit any statistics whatever. and though contending that
this 1s & oresl world, we concluded that America is probabdly the least
cruel of the world's members,
Personally, we can't give the auto trade much encouragement o
present, though we did let on to be interested—very. He who blufls and
runs away saves mazums. The situation as regards us is this: The
average price for honk hacks has been cut in half ia the last Sfteen yosn.
By that reckoning we skall be able about sixty years hence—oh, well
don't let's fall by the milepost. Why should we anticipate opulence?
We listened intently, but heard no salesmen exhorting stroflers
hold of on & car until 1930. By that time seroplaning will have made
folks stop sputtering so much about State roads. (Aren't we the bold
soothsayer?)
No romance of an auto exhidit is complete without some ghaetly
allusions to the Ford, which was conspicuous only by the number and
variety of sccessories displayed, and made solely for the purposs of st
tachment to it. After an exhaustive survey of these parts, you wom
dered if anything at all came .0. b. with the “car™ axcept the rattle
and the smell. Ford is the greatest Barnum that ever kidded the publie.
Instead of paying half a dollar for the privilege of being a sucker,
Henry has made his countrymen come through with a hundred thmes thet
amount.
Around a long, gray oar, with the outer skin removed to show all the
palpitating Internal organs, was clustered a ourious bunch of gaping
lookers, starving for information on anything st all. Being in the same
class as those worthy members of society, we sauntered up to the e»
citement and tried to enter into the spirit of the thing.
The agent, very nimble with his hands and vocal cords, wes o=
pisining what would happen if the diffferential rudbbed against the magneto,
when the ignition wouldnt speak to the clutch, just becsuse the erank
shaft and the camshaft dropped water In the carburetor on sccount of
the arbitrary spark plug falling below the coil of the radiator.
In the crowd, and towering above their tense faces, stood a lanky
glant not a hair under seven foot seven, we'll swear on & stack of hay
or anything. He ocomprehended fully the drift of the salesman's arge
ment, but he was not inclined to admit everything flat. He had to say
something to justify his atrocious elongation, didn't he?
S 0 he replied to the unctuous purveyor of those things which no sane
(or insane) man oan afford to be without:
“I know, old man (familiar staff), but you havent explained the
reason for having so much resilience tn the extra wheel when the tool
box is on the left, even though the speedometer works faster than the
011-feed when the gasoline supply freezes up and the aircooled engine
can be chilled more effectively with icicies, becausse an inside drive.
Jemme tell yuh, ts much less dangerous when the chauffeur has a ocold
in the head.”
Naturally fhis effusion was a Xnoockdown srgument, and the siles
man didn’t try to tell the tall party where he alighted. The extemmated
being walked on te another corridor. And d¥d the loiterers remain at the
side of the agent? Not perceptibly. They tralled the pale giant as he
were the ple-faced piper of Hamlin, and they were so many charmed
rodents.
We, too, were one of the rodents. The animated skyscraper paused
in front of a graceful looking blue car, of noble lines, but unpretentious.
Rapping his gnaried cane on the running board, he demanded of the
agent, who ran hurriedly into the scene, the price of such a oar.
“Only fifty-five hundred,” grinned the cheerful keeper.
Whereupon the glant fell heavily against the shock absorber.
As we skidded around another corner we jumped several linear feet
at the terrifying imminence of a familiar soreech. It was the peevish,
disgruntled snort of an auto horn—the kind that seems highly vexed at
the idea that a bloomin’ pedestrian should think he had a right to cross
a street. Oh, well, you can't blame a guy for jumping, whether it's in
doors or out. If a tiger had growled right behind us, we imagine we
would have jumped just the same.
One auto horn company had a very fancy way of impressing the
staring multitudes by a series of little colored prints, flashing in turn.
Then a glib gent stood hard by and invited wondering ears to hold the
recelver close and hear the warning rasp a mile away.
“Whadda yuh mean, & mile away?’ asked a skeptical cuss, as he
nevertheless adjusted the apparatus to his organ of eavesdropping. ;
“Ladies un gelmun,” the sales demon was preaching, “our car is now
at Columbus Circle, coming downtown at the rate of thir<y miles per
hour. It is now at Fif-tieth street, and you can hear the horn sounding
loud-er. Still, there is plenty of time to reach the sidewalk without
danger, provided you are on Lexington avenue. The car {s now slovwing
down in front of this building, and the horn sounds harshly, no doubt,
on your eardrum. Stand aside, please, and let the little girl hear™——
The colored prints, the while, showed terrible pictures of narrow
escapes of people who just missed being run down as the car crashed
madly downtown, either run down or frightened to extinction by *,
horn. The squawk seemed to be sort of a summoning knell which Mu
the unoffending populace that it was time either to get off the “"5
in it. Bverfthing was nice and realistic, except that there was no m‘*
companying enlightenment as to what system of wireless telephone
sounds were shoved into our ears. But what's the use of spolling the
illusion by asking foolish queries? Let’s all believe in Santa Clauvs. /;.‘-1;“
Most lamps grew out of the mud guards, like lobster eyes. @-»
the coupe part, where the lady sits, the little glass vase for flowers has
been made to accommodate hatpins, If desired. The whiskbroom n %
door pocket is of Arablan straw this year, not Siberian. The cwet &*
upholstery seems to be mulberry preferred—yes, mulberry. The large
back seat will hold three in a pinch, but only two in an embracs. “5
These seem to be about the only important society notes. 1 Vf’
might be added, but our imagination does not permit. oL
Over in“the Astor ballroom we found the foreign ?
“better sort” of American-made cars trying to hobnob with them. ;\
the aristocrats of motordom from overseas gave but w notice to | ?;‘
nouvesux competitors. Wop, French and Dutch autos predominate :
with on English specimen or two, We approached one intimately, W"f
tracted by its swellegance, but a gendarme swooped down on us and
said the cars couldn’t be leaned on. So we got a little indignant,
refused to buy it. q*
Instead, we hopped onto & Broadway m,fisnd said to the comduoteri
Home. James. £ s s