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Bad Head
This Morning
After—
Vol. VL.
Timelock Foams, the
Great Defective
The Adventure of .the Good
Resolution.
{Author's Note.~The title at
the top was not so written by us.
The compositor persists in mak
ing the word read os he has
printed it, instead of “detective”
as we wrote it, We have reason
to believe the printer has been
bribed by Moriarity, the arch
ecriminal, who hopes thus to create
dissension between Foams and
myself.]
PFLL, Potson,” sald
Foams to me, as
we breakfasted in
our modest diggings in Faker
street, ‘“how goes the water
wagon?”
“I'm entirely off the stuff,
Foams,” [ replied,
. I had Induced the great detec
tive to give up the “hop” at the
same time I swore off my
Scotch.
“And how do you feel? I
asked. |
“Tip-top, Potson,” said Foams. |
“l don’t feel the need of it at |
all.”
On my way home that after
noon I felt a little depressed
and dropped into my usual pub
lic house for a stiff Scotch and
soda.
,I had just raised it to my lips
when I saw, reflected in the
mirror, some person in a booth
in the farthest corner. Who
ever it was, he had a ‘“needle”
in his hand and his sleeve was
rolled up.
I looked closer.
It was Foams.
Disgusted with his lack of
will-power, I swallowed my
T'he Troubles of Lilly Putian
THE MORNING SMILE
WEX JONES Editor
XtTanta, Ga., Sunday, Ja;;x;r'T T(—S,CTQI(;
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Did You Know That—
False hair is a sort of false
hood?
Paste dlamunds are prefer
able to a paste in the eye?
Very few accidents are at
tributable to hobby horses?
Very few horses are oae
horsepower?
Soft water will do more hard
work than hard water will?
Lots of people have soft snaps
living hard by the shore?
drink, which was purely mediec
inal, and went out.
I was sllent that evening at
dinner, and Foams's only re
mark was, “Potson, my dear
fellow, you are a chump.”
Naturally, I couldn't tell
rffoams I had seen him without
giving away my own presence
in the Blue Boar.
Whern I saw Foams in the
same booth the next day I knew
that his intellect was too keen
for me. No wonder Moriarity
dreads him!
HEARST'S SUNDAY AMERICAN, ATLANTA, GA, SUNDAY, JANUARY 16, 191
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The
Runabout
Rodent—
An
Invaluable
Invention.
IN THE SMILE’S
GET THE HOOK.
TO THE EDITOR-—Seems
to me that goldfish should
be good pool-players—
they're always playing around
in a pool. JAMES T. CARP.
VERY TRUE.
TO THE BEDITOR—A worm
would get very little change of
‘air by going to llve in the sub
way. ROBERT M'CLUCK.
PERHAPS A LITTLE OF BOTH.
TO THE EDITOR—Should we
attribute its depravity to hered
ity or environment in the case
of a cucumber? JIM DILL,
RE EXCEPTIONS.
TO THE EDITOR—Is there
any exception to a universal
rule? T. L. WILSON.
[Never except
occaslonally.]
Our Weekly Health Hint. l
Cut out New Year celebra- |
tions—for a year. l
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Breaking Your
Good
Resolutions
Yesterday?
NO. 14.
Runabout
Rodent
Boon to Bachelors, Beaut
eous and Otherwise.
Smile’s Latest Invention Invalv
able to Hunted Sex
During 19186.
AKE a peek at the ac-
I companying {llustration.
If you're a married
man, all you can do is shake
your head and mutter, “Too
late.”
It you're a bachelor, the hunt
ed look will fade from your eyes
and hope will once more spring
in ryour breast.
With the Smile’s Runabout
Rodent you are safe. No de
signing female dare approach
you when you have our non
meticulous mouse along with
you. :
You can smile as you let the
R. R.'rush to your aid. It will
make 1916 a literal leap year
for the girls who approach you.
They’li leap ten feet into the alr.
Order your Runabout Rodent
at once.
SPECIFICATIONS: Body—
Gray, upholstered in natural fur.
Cylinders—Twin-twelves.
Engine—Two-mousepower,
Speed—Fastest you ever saw.
Winter Hints.
You can prevent snow from
settling on your roof by pour
ing hot water on each flake as
it falls.
Chilblains *on the toes will
not trouble you {f you keep your
feet in the oven.
To prevent cake’'from getting
stale, eat It belore baking.
Old Doc Foozle’s Health Series
| OUR halr starts on the top of your head and grows out, or comes
Y out, or has already done so.
Women who find that thelr hair {s coming out will be pleased
to know that a hair receiver is one of the best things known to keep it in.
Hair is sald to be woman’'s crowning glory. That's not exac]y the
way to put it. “Somebody’s hair is woman’s crowning glory!” \
There is a place for everything, but a man’s shoulder s no place for
a blonde hair—if his wife is a brunette. Patients often ask me what is
good for the halr. There are several things really good for it, chief
among them being a brush and comb.
It has been sald that hair is a sign of wealth. Good night! Think
of how well off Jawn D. would have been if only he had grown a mat
like Paderewsk|!
Red hair is really beautiful. Some people laugh at it, but not those
who have it. There are two reasons why people have red hair—iron in
the system and ancestors. No bne, according to Confucius or some cele
brated sage, ever saw a slob with red hair.
A great many people rush up to me and Inform me they are getting
bald—as though I cculdn’'t see it for myself, ten blocks away. I have
recommended everything from kerosene to prayer, and yet I can boast
of as many bald-headed patients as any other doctor.
Besides black, white and red hair there is the so-called “salt-and.
pepper,” a very seasonable sort of hair. Brown hair grows in all shades
from almost black to almost red.
It has been gaid that there are very few true blondes. Bosh! There
are just as many true blondes as there are true brunettes. Personally,
I do not think hair has much to do with it.
There's a reason for everything, or at least almost everything. We
have a reason for hair. Away back in the prehistoric days mankind had
to have hair or else he wouldn’t have bad anything on his mind. He
didn’t have any sort of g hat, nor did his wife-—them was the happy days!
He had a very thick mop of hair, and every time a clansman would sneak
out of his cave and come up and bounce a stone can opener on his head
The Weekly Cruise of the Good Ship “News”
THERE'S little news of the Ford ship trip;
The country’s held by the Demon Grippe,
And the King of Serbs gave the silent slip
To the Bulgar.
The Russians mass for a move in herds;
The peace dove still is the goat "mong birds,
While the Housewives’ League had a war of words
Most vulgar,
The echoes heard from a libel suit
Say Barnes must pay all the costs to boot,
And the G. O. P. makes a plea for Root
To advise her. /
Great Britain’s dogged by the words “Too Late”:
The seas are rough on her Ship of State,
And the Docs prepare to operate
On the Kaiser- s
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Copyright, 1916, by the Star Company. Great Britaln Rights Reserved.
the hair would sort of deaden the shock—always providing the blow was
not too severe, when it would sort of deaden the man. g
The primitive men used to cut their hair with clam shells and such
anthropological safety razors, but the women allowed their hair to grow.
This was because men in those days didn't ruln a perfectly good dress"
suit popping down and proposing. When they wanted a wife they grabbed
her by the halr and took her home to the cave. Do you think, then, any
woman would neglect to let her hair grow good and long?
Auburn hair is the same as red, except that the owner thereof is a
peach. Titlan hair is also the same as red, except that the owner has
oodles of nymcy.
There 18 a peculiarity about hair and names. If a fond mother names
her little girl baby “Goldfe,” that child is certain to grow up with hair as
black as the internal economy of a fountain pen. But if she names the
child “Nubia,” her halr is certain to turn out to be the color of a quick
lunch cup custard!
Nine times out of ten when a man with hair as straight as the Ten
Commandments marries a girl with beautiful, curly hair, their youngsters
all have perfectly straight hair. And eleven times out of ten the poor
man never hears the last of it!
Only a couple of generations ago a woman combed her hair In the
morning and that was all there was to {t. Now she goes to a hairdresser’s
and has it washed and baked and electric-dried and curled and waved
and riccocheted and marcelled and perfumed and done into a coiffure, all
for the modest amount of about $2.50, and it looks almost as good
when she gets home as it did before she went.
And man-—he used to get mother or wife to put the old yaller bowl
with the blue stripe 'round it on his head and cut his hair around that
And he combed it with a plain old horn comb, and on Sundays put a
little hair fle on it to be dressy, and it lasted him right through his four
BCore years. i
But now the Tonmsorial Artist shampoos it with a pale pink lt!qk,,g
fluid, singes it with a wax taper, rubs nine kinds of tonic into it, m\};
one guaranteed to grow hair on a china doorknob, dashes bay rum into
it, and by the time a man gets old enough to vote he begias to get “é
JA[’AN would take the Philippines,
Yet will not dare to risk it;
Out in Detroit a man’s divorce
Was based on wifie’s biscuit.
The atmosphere gives nitrogen
When chemistry commands ft.
"Tis Bryan’s guff
That yields the stuff—
The chemist he just lands it.
® . *
THE Dutch behold ip growing trade
The war cloud’s silver lining.
Our Mayor plans for better rule,
Yet recks not on resigning.
In cap and bells he seeks the role
Of Education’s mentor,
And dancing goes
In motley clo’es
Where angels fear to enter.
On the
Firing Line
| Ginat Britaln Rights Reserved
Coprright, 1006, by the Star Osmpany.
DEADLIER THAN USUAL.
“l UNDERSTAND that all the
warring nDations find that
women are perfectly able to maks
shrapnel.”
“I'll wager they make it in thels
own way, however. One cupful of
gunpowder, ehe cupful of nitre
glycerine, a pinch of fulminate, and
s on™
TIME TO BEGIN,
JON!:I-»—Hm we are with ae
army, no adequate navy, 8o
guns, no nothing—in an absolute
state of unpreparedness! I belleve
we orter have everything in read!
ness. “Johany on the spot” is my
scatiments.
OFFICE BOY--Mr. Jones, de
boss wants to know when you're
gonna get dose orders out what
come in on de 13th!
CAUSE AND EFFECT.
A MAN coming out of prison afte”
ten years’ penal servitude
asked what was goiug on in the
world
“Well, ther's most of BEurope
fighting, and the saloons are closed
at ten in Londen.,” he was told.
“Go on!" exclaimed the ex-com
viet. “Well, I never! Fancy the
saloons closing early having such
an effect’'!”
A HARD SHOT. e
LADY (In London gardea)-—We
slways keep the hose ready In
case of a Zeppelln raid. =
VISITOR—But surely, my dear,
it would never reach them at the
height they fiy?
PROOF POSITIVE,
LADY CUSTOMER—Yes, this is
better weather now. Some
people think all the rain we had a
little time ago was caused by the
firing of heavy guns in Belgiom,
DRESSFITTER-I don't see how
that can be, madam, for I remem
ber we mostly had very fine weather
during the South African war.
HER SORROW.
“DODS your wife show any In
terest in the war?”
“Yes, indeed. She talks about it."
“What does she say?”
“Why, she says that she wishes I
could go.”
Your Hair and
What of It?