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__,____»,r) ATLANTA, GA., SUNDAY, JANUARY 16, 191¢ o -
0, Love, What Crimes Are Committed in Thy Name!
By T. E. Powers, the Famous Cartoonist
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Ernest Truex and Jack Hazzard in “Very Good, Eddie”
RNIE-—The purser on the boat said it I me.ntlonsd him to you you'd
E take good care of me. I'd like a nice room.
JACK—With, without, or family style?
ERNlE—What's family style?
JACK—Saturday night privileges.
ERNIE—I guess you don’t know whe T am, do you? .
JACK—Nope. Smatter, can'tcha gec anybody to tell yuh?
ERNIE—WeII, I guess I'll go to my room.
JACK-—Nix. The last guy that trimmed me told me he was Vernon
Castle. Pay in advance.
ERNIE—AII right. Here, Now, how’ll I know which is my room?
JACK—Chase down the corridor till you hear a voice say, “Sir!”
It's the next room. }
ERNIE—I never heard of such a town as this. No night trains. No
boats. Can’t get out till morning.
JACK—Don't weep on me. Write to the president of the company
about it. -
BRNIE—But how do you villagers get along under such conditions?
JACK—Most of the people in this town have gone d¢way and the rest
have been here so long they don’t care. e
ERNIE—Say, 1 just had a look at my room. It won't do. Half of
the room is occupled by the roof,
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Copyright, 1916, by the Star Company. Great Britain Rights Reserved,
JACK—You've got nothin’ on me. My bed’s painted on the wall
ERNIE—Don't go away, please. 4
JACK—Listen! If anybody asks for the bellboy, porter, clerk, head
walter or chambermald, I'll be right back.
ERNIE—I feel that 1 am about to burst into song.
JACK—Go ahead. You stay here and strain your voice. I'm going
out and strain the milk.
ERNIE--Tell me, isn't there any other way to get to Pokipsy except
by crossing down the river?
JACK—Yes. Take a train down to Weehawken, cross to New Ygrk
and take a train up from Grand Central.
ERNIE—That was a terrible boat we came up on. , We didn’'t have
any stateroom.
JACK—What'd you do all night?
ERNIE—It was a day line. We didn’t. .
JACK-—Better stay here a while and rest up.
FRNIE—TI'¢ like to go hunting. Are there any muce around here?
JACK—What? Muce? Well, I'! speak to the cat about i
ERNIE—No. I mean big muce, with horns and everything.
JACK-Oh! Moose? Well, there was one over ¢.. the hill once, but
everybody shot at him, so he went away.
HE LOVES ME NeT ! -
ME LOVES ME ‘
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PMRNIE—How far is it back to New York!?
: JACK-—Eighty miles, as the Ford flies.
ERNlE—Somebody wants you on the phone.
JACK (at phone)—You did? Well, I'll tell him to pull down the
shade at once.
ERNIE—Are you the watchman at this hotel, too?
JACK—You try a little transom work, and see.
ERNIE—What was your Job before you landed here?
JACK—-I was cashler in a police station. Counting the coppers.
ERNIE—At home were you an only child?
JACK-—Nope. Triplets. I'm the one they saved. Why, T know you.
You're an old playmate of mine. g
BRNIE—And now, just think. I'm married.
JACK—Yep. They're making husbands smaller every year.
ERNlE—You're married, too, aren't you?
JACK—Oh, ves. My wife thinks the world of me. Says I'm so
strong and handsome.
KRNIE—Yes, you're strong. % /
JACK-—Say, if you don't mind, I'm thirsty.
ERNTE—Oh, T don’t mind.
JACK —Well, then, I'll just step back to the kitchen and water the
gat’s milk
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TH\T S why the Monthly Free Fiction Mage.
ine of The Sunday American is such a favor.
e I'he world's best artists and writers produce
it. It supplements The Sunday American’s first
IsSUe every n onth
Watch for It!
Sparks and Bl t
from N. Y. Auto Show
Coprvight, 1918 by e Star Osmpany. Great Britals Rights Reserved
ERE'S a litle Now Year's joy tip: By the end of 1916 one out of
H every eight families in this moneystricken nation will find ftwel!
laden down with a motor car.
So. it you don't belong to any special family right new, hurry and
nook up to one, and you'll stand a good show of sitting in on the great
gasoline glide. It's & pipe, for In your efforts to establish a family, or
get estadlished. you can’t go wWrong more'n seven times. The eighth ahot
i» bound to cop the buzs-buggy
That's the line of lubrication the sales boys rubbed into ue at the
snoual auto urge st Grand Central Palace, anyhow. As we draped our
Area person over the alluring bLecushioned part of » flossy rear ssat, we
telt willlng 10 admit any statistics whatever; and though contending that
this 18 & cruel world. we concluded that America Is probably the least
cruel of the world’s members.,
Personally, we can't give (he auto trade much encouragement &t
present, though we did let on to be interested-—very. He who bluffs and
runs away saves mazuma. The situstion &s regards us is this: The
average price for honk hacks has been cut in balf m the last fAiftesn years.
By that reckoning we shall be able about sixty years bence—oh, well
don't let’s fall by the milepost. Why should we anticipate opulence?
We listened intently, but heard no salesmen exhorting etroliers %o
hold off on & ear until 1930, Hy that time seroplaning will have made
folks stop sputtering so much about State roads. (Aren't we the boM
soothgayer?) .
No romance of an auto exhibit is complete without some ghastly
allusions to the Ford, which was conspicuous only by fl..!11.. and
variety of accessories displayed, and made solely for the purposs of ad
tachment to it. After an exhaustive survey of these parts, you wob
dered If anything at all came f. 0. b. with the “car” except the mattle
and the smell. Ford is the greatest Barnum that ever kidded the publie.
Instead of paying half a doliar for the privilege of belug & sucker,
Henry has made his countrymen come through with a hundred times that
amount.
Around a long, gray car, with the outer skin removed te show all the
palpitating internal organs, was clustered a ourious bunch of gaping
lookbrs, starving for information on anything st all. Being in the same
class as those worthy members of society, we ssuntered up to the ax
eitement and tried to enter into the spirit of the thing.
The agent, very nimble with his hands and vocal cords, was ex
plaining what would happen If the differential rubbed against the magnseto,
when the ignition wouldn't speak to the clutch, just because the crank
shaft and the camshaft dropped water in the carburetor on scoount of
the arbitrary spark plug falling below the cofl of the radiator.
In the erowd, and towering above thelr tense faces, stood & lanky
glant not & halr under seven foot seven, we'll swear on a stack of hay
or anything. He comprehended fully the drift of the salesaman's argu
ment, but he was not inclined to admit everything flat. He had to say
something to justify his atrocious elongation, didn't he?
8o he replied to the unctuous purveyor of those things which ne sane
(or insane) man can"afford to be without:
“I know, old man (familiar staff), but you haven't expiained the
reason for having so much resilience in the extra wheel when the toel
box is on the left, even though the speedometer works faster than the
ofl-feed when the gasoline supply freezes up and the afrcooled engine
can be chilled more effectively with fcicies, because an inside drive.
lemme tell yuh, !s much less dangerous when the chauffeur has a cold
in the head.”
Naturally this effusion was a Xnock<own srgument, and the sales
man didn’t try to tell the tall party where he alighted. The extenuated
being walked on to another eorridor. And did the loiterers remain at the
side of the agent? Not perceptidly. They trailed the pale glant as he
were the ple-faced piper of Hamlin, and they were so many charmed
rodents.
We, too, were one of the rodents. The animated skyscraper pansed
{n front of a graceful,looking blue car, of noble lines, but unpretentious
Rapping his gnarled ¢ane on the running board, he demanded of the
agent, who ran hurriedly into the scene, the price of such a car.
“Only fifty-five hundred,” grinned the cheerful keeper.
Whereupon the giant fell heavily against the shock absorber.
As we skidded around another corner we jumped several linear feet
at the terrifying imminence of a familiar soreech. It was the peevish,
disgruntled snort of an auto horn—the kind that seems highly vexed at
the idea that a bloomin’ pedestrian should think he had a right to cross
a street. Oh, well, you can’t blame a guy for jumping, whether it's in
doors or out. If a tiger had growled right behind us, we imagine we
would have Jumped just the same,
One auto horn company had & very fancy way ‘ impressing the
staring multftudes by a serfes of little colored prints, flashing in turn.
Then a glib gent stood hard by and invited wondering ears to hold the
recelver close and hear the warning rasp a mile away.
“whadda yuh mean, a mile away?’ asked a skeptical cuss, as he
nevertheless adjusted the apparatus to his organ of eavesdropping.
“Ladies un gelmun,” the sales demon was preaching, “our ecar is now
at Columbus Circle, coming downtown at the rate of thirty miles per
hour. It is now at Fiftieth street, and you can hear the horn sounding
loud-er. Still, there is plenty of time to reach the sidewalk without
danger, provided you are on Lexington avenue. The car is now slowing
down in front of this building, and the horn sounds harshly, no doubt,
on your eardrum. Stand aside, please, and let the little giMl hear*——
The colored prints, the while, shcwed terrible pictures of narrow
escapes of people who just missed being run down as the car crashed
madly downtown, either run down or trightened to extinction by the
horn. The squawk seemed to be sort of a summoning knell whioch warned
the unoffending populace that it was time either to get off the earth or -
in it. Everything was nice and reallstic, except that there was no ac
companying enlightenment as to what system of wireless telephone the
sounds were shoved into our ears. But what’s the use of spolling the
{llusion by asking foolish queries? Let's all believe in Santa Claus.
Most lamps grew out of the mud guards, like lobster eyes. Inside
the coupe part, where the lady sits, the MNttle glass vase for flowers has
‘been made to accommodate hatpins, if desired. The whiskbroom In the
door pocket 18 of Arabian straw this year, not Siberian. The eretemne "3
upholstery seems to be mulberry preferred—yes, mulberry. The large
back seat will hold three in a pinch, but only two in an embrace.
These seem to be about the only important soclety notes. lfl&f’
might be added, but our imagination does not permit. b g
Over in the Astor ballroom we found the foreign cars, and the
“petter sort” of American-made cars trying to hobnob with them. et
the aristocrats of motordom from overseas gave but scant notice to thelr
nouveaux competitors, Wop, French gd Dutch autos predmw.
with on English specimen or two, Weé approached one intimately, at
tracted by its swellegance, but a gendarme swooped down on us and
said the cars couldn’t be leaned on. So we got a little indignant, and
refused to buy it. Yol
Instead, we hopped onto a Broadway car, and sald to the conductors, ‘;
“Home, James.” V :