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»~-——~»"l ATLANTA. GA. SUNDAY, JANUARY 16, 191 = -
0, Love, What Crimes Are Committed in Thy Name!
By T. E. Powers, the Famous Cartoonist
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Ernest Truex and Jack Hazzard in “Very Good, Eddie”
RNIE--The purser on the boat said it I me‘ntlonpd him to you you'd
E take good care of me. I'd like a nice room.
JACK—With, without, or family style?
ERNlE—What's fanlily style?
JACK-—Saturday night privileges.
ERNIE—I guess you don’t know whe T am, do you!?
JACK—Nope. Smatter, can'tcha gec anybody to tell yuh?
ERNIE—WeII, I guess I'll go to my room.
JACK-—Nix. The last guy that trimmed me told me he was Vernon
Castle. Pay in advance.
ERNIE—AII right. Here. Now, how'll I know which is my room?
JACK—Chase down the corridor till you hear a voice say, “Sir!”
It'’s the next room. }
ERNIE—I never heard of such a town as this. No night trains. No
boats. Can't get out till morning.
JACK—Don't weep on me. Write to the president of the company
about it. -
PRNIE—But how do you villagers get along under such conditions?
JACK—Most of the people in this town have gone daway and the rest
have been here so long they don’t care. .
ERNIE—Say, I just had a look at my room. It won't do. Half of
the room is occupled by the roof,
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Copyright, 1918, by the Star Company. Great Britain Rights Reserved.
JACK—You've got nothin’ on me. My bed’'s painted on the wall.
BERNIE—Don’t go away, please.,
JACK—Listen! If anybody asks for the bellboy, porter, clerk, head
walter or chambermald, I'll be right back.
ERNIE—I feel that I am about to burst int\o sOng.
JACK—Go ahead. You stay here and strain your voice. I'm going
out and strain the milk.
ERNIE—-Tell me, isn't there any other way to get to Pokipsy except
by crossing down the river?
JACK—Yes. Take a train down to Weehawken, cross to New Ygrk
and take a train up from Grand Central.
ERNIE—That was a terrible boat we came up on. ,( We didn’t have
any stateroom.
JACK—What'd you do all night?
ERNIE—It was a day line. We didn’t. )
JACK-—Better stay here a while and rest up.
ERNIB—I'd like to go hunting. Are there any muce around here?
JACK—What? Muce? Well, I'Hl speak to the cat about it.
ERNIE—No. I mean big muce, with horns and everything.
JACK—Oh! Moose? Well, there was one over G.. the hill once, but
everybody shot at him, so he went away.
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PMRNIE—How far is it back to New York!
- JACK—Eighty miles, as the Ford flies.
ERNlE—Somebody wants you on the phone.
JACK (at phone)—You did? Well, I'll tell him to pull down the
shade at once.
ERNIE—Are you the watchman at this hotel, too?
JACK—You try a little transom work, and see.
ERNIE—What was your job before you landed here?
JACK—I was cashier in a police station. Counting the coppers.
ERNIE—At home were you an only child?
JACK—Nope. Triplets. I'm the one they saved. Why, T know you.
You're an old playmate of mine. .
BRNIE—And now, just think. I'm married.
JACK—Yep. They're making husbands smaller every year.
ERNlE—You're married, too, aren’t you?
JACK—Oh, yes. My wife thinks the world of me. Says I'm so
strong and handsome,
BERNIE-—Yes, you're strons. . /
JACK—Say, if you don’'t mind, I'm thirsty.
ERNIE—Oh, I don’t mind.
JACK —Well, then, I'll just step back to the kitchen and water the
gat's milk
I DIDNT KNow
SHE LIVED up
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TII\T S why the Monthly Free Fiction Mags.
ine of The Sunday American is such a favor.
ite. The world's best artists and writers produce
it It supplements The Sunday American's first
issue every month
Watch for It!
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‘Sparks and Blowouls
| i N.Y. Auto Sh
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Coprvight, 1818 by Be Biar Company Grest Britain Wights Reserved.
ERE'S a little Noew Year's joy tip: By the end of 1014 one ont of
; H every slght families in this moneystricken nation will find ftwel!
! laden down with a motor car,
So. it you don't belong to any special family right new, hurry and
ook up to one, and you'll stand & good show of sitting in on the ETeat
gasoline glide. It's & pipe, for In your efforts to establish a family, or
get estadblished, you can't g 0 wWrong more’n seven times. The eighth shot
i» bound to cop the bussbuggy
| That's the line of lubrication the sales boys rubbed Inte us at the
' snoual aato urge at Grand Central Palace, anyhow. As we éraped ouwr
| (rea person over the alluring becushioned part of & flossy rear ssat, we
feit willing to admit any statistics whatever; and though contending that
this 18 a crusl world. we concluded that America is probably the least
crue!l of the world’s members,
| Personally, we can't give (hé auto trade much encouragement .t
present, though we did let on to be interested-—very. He who bluffs sad
runs Away saves mazuma. The situation as regards us is this: The
average price for honk hacks has been cut in ball the last fiftesn yoars
By that reckoning we shall be able about sixty years pence—oh, wall
don't let's fall by the milepost. Why should we anticipate opnlencel
We listened intently, but heard no salesmen exhorting etroliers
hold off on & ear until 1930, Hy that time seroplaning will have made
. folks stop sputtering so much about State roads (Aren't we the boM
| soothgayer?) .
‘ No romance of an auto exhibit is complete without some chastly
allusions to the Ford, which was conspiouous only by m.ll-id’ ant
variety of accessories displayed, and made solely for the purposs of ab
tachment to it. After an exhaustive survey of these parts, you Wob
dered If anything at all eame f. 0. b. with the “car” except the rattle
and the smell. Ford is the greatest Barnum that ever kidded the public.
Instead of paying half a dollar for the privilege of belng & sucker,
Henry has made his countrymen come through with & hundred t!mes that
amount.
Around a long, gray car, with the outer skin removed te show all the
| palpitating Internal organs, was clustered a curious bunch of gaping
lookkrs, starving for information on anything at all. Beiog in the same
class as those worthy members of soclety, we ssuntered up to the ex
| eftement and tried to enter into the spirit of the thing.
‘ The agent, very nimble with his hands and vocal cords, was ex
plaining what would happen If the differential rubbed agaipst the magnsto,
| when the ignition wouldn’t speak to the olutch, just because the crank
| shaft and the camshaft dropped water in the carburetor on accoumt of
the arbitrary spark plug falling below the cofl of the radiator.
In the erowd, and towering above their tense faces, stood & lanky
| glant not a halr under seven foot seven, we'll swear on a stack of hay
| or anything. He comprehended fully the drift of the saleaman’s argu
| ment, but he was not inclined to admit everything flat. He had to say
| something to fustify his atroclous elongation, didn’t he?
8o he replied to the unctuous purveyor of those things which ne sane
' (or insane) man can-afford to be without:
5 “I kmow, old man (familiar staff), but you haven't explained the
| reason for having €0 much resilience in the extra wheel when the toel
" box is on the left, even though the speedometer works faster than the
| ofl-feed when the gasoline supply freezes up and the afrcooled engine
can be chilled more effectively with fcicles, because an inside drtve.
. Jemme tell yuh, is much less dangerous when the chauffeur has s cold
. in the head.”
? Naturally this effusion was a kmock<own srgument, and the sales
' man didn’t try to tell the tall party where he alighted. The extenuated
being walked on to another eorridor. And did the loiterers remain at the
side of the agent? Not perceptidly. They trailed the pale glant as he
were the ple-faced piper of Hamlin, and they were so many charmed
rodents.
We, 100, were one of the rodents. The animated skyscraper pansed
in front of a graceful,looking blue car, of noble lines, but unpretentious
Rapping his gnarled ¢ane on the running board, he demanded of the
agent, who ran hurriedly into the scene, the price of such a car.
“Only fifty-five hundred,” grinned the cheerful keeper.
Whereupon the glant fell heavily against the shock absorber.
As we skidded around another corner we jumped several linear feet
at the terrifying imminence of a familiar screech. It was the peevish,
disgruntled snort of an auto horn—the kind that seems highly vexed at
the idea that a bloomin’ pedestrian should think he had a right to cross
a street. Oh, well, you can’t blame a guy for jumping, whether it's in
doors or out. If a tiger had growled right behind us, we imagine we
would have jJumped just the samse,
One auto horn company had & very fancy way ‘ impressing the
staring multftudes by a series of little colored prints, flashing in turn.
Then s glib gent stood hard by and invited wondering ears to hold the
recelver cloge and hear the warning rasp a mile away.
“wWhadda yuh mean, a mile away?’ asked a skeptical cuss, as he
nevertheless adjusted the apparatus to his organ of eavesdropping.
“Ladies un gelmun,” the sales demon was preaching, “our car is now
at Columbus Circle, coming downtown at the rate of thirty miles per
hour. It is mow at Fiftieth street, and you can hear the horn sounding
loud-er. Still, there is plenty of time to reach the sidewalk without
danger, provided you are on Lexington avenue. The car is now slowing
! down in front of this building, and the horn sounds harshly, no doubt,
on your ear-drum. Stand aside, please, and let the little girl hear*~——
The colored prints, the while, showed terrible ploctures of narrow
escapes of people who just missed being run down as the car crashed
madly downtown, either run down or frightened to extinction by the
horn. The squawk seemed to be sort of a summoning knell which warned
the unoffending populace that it was time either to get off the earth or
in it. Everything was nice and reallstic, except that there was no ac
companying enlightenment as to what system of wireless telephone the
sounds were shoved into our ears. But what's the use of spolling the
' {llusion by asking foollsh queries? Let's all believe in Santa Claus. )
‘ Most lamps grew out of the mud guards, like lobster eyes. Inside
’ the coupe part, where the lady sits, the little glass vase for flowers hes -
been made to accommodate hatpins, if desired. The whiskbroom in the
door pocket is of Arabian straw this year, not Siberian. The eretoune :
upholstery seems to be mulberry preferred—yes, muiberry. The large
back seat will hold three in a pinch, but only two in an embrace. e
These seem to be about the only important society notes. uyf‘,
might be added, but our imagination does not permft.
Over in the Astor ballroom we found the foreign cars, and the
wpetter sort” of American-made ocars trying to hobnob with them. But
the aristocrats of motordom from overseas gave but scant notice to their
" pouveaux competitors, Wop, French and Dutch autos predominated,
with on English specimen or two, We’;pprotched one intimately, lfi»
tracted by its swellegance, but a gendarme swooped dcwn on us and
' said the cars couldn’t be leaned on. So we got a little indignant. and -
~ refused to buy it. e
| Instead, we hopped onto a Broadway car, and sald to the conductors,
l “Home. James.” S