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- B ATLANTA, GA., SUNDAY ANUARY Is, 191 t -
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0, Love, What Crimes Are Committed in Thy Name!
By T. E. Powers, the Famous Cartoonist
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Ernest Truex and Jack Hazzard in “Very Good, Eddie”
RNTH-—The purser on the boat said if | mentioned him to »ou you d
E take good care of me. I'd like a nice room.
JACK—With, without, or family style?
FRNlE—What's family style?
JACK —Saturday night privileges.
ERNIE—I guess you don't know who 1 am, do you?
JACK—Nope. Smatter, can‘tcha gev anybody to tell yuh?
ERNIE—WeII, I guess I'll go to my room.
JACK—Nix. The last guy that trimmed me told me he was Vernon
Castle. Pay in advance.
ERNIE-<All right. Here. Now, how’ll I know which s my room ?
JACK—Chase downr the corridor till you hear = voice say, “Sir!”
It's the next room.
ERNIE—I never heard of such a town as this. No night tralns. No
boats. Can't get out till morning. ;
JACK—Don't weep on me. Write to the president of the company
about it.
MRNTE—But how do you villagers get along under such conditions?
: JACK-—Most of the people in this town have gone away and the rest
have heen here so long they don't care.
ERNIE-—SBav, T lust had a look al my roow. It won't du. Halr of
¢he room is occupied by the roof,
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Copwright, 1816, by {he Star Compauy. Great Britaim Rights Reserved.
‘ lACK—You've got nothin’ on me. My bed’s painted on the wall.
PRNIE—Don’t go away, please.
JACK—Listen! If anybody asks for the bellboy, porter, clerk, head
walter or chambermaid, T'll be right back.
KRNIE-—I feel that I am about to burst into song.
JACK—Go ahead. You stay here and strain your voice. I'm going
out and strain the milk,
ERNIE—TeII me, isn’'t tMere auy other way to get to Pokipay except
by crossing down the river?
JACK—Yes. Take a train down to Weehawken, cross to New York
and take a train up from Grand Central.
ERNIE—That was a terrible hoat we came up o We dido't have
any stateroom.
JACK—What'd you do all might?
ERNIE—It was & day line. We didn't.
JACK-—Better stay here a while and rest up.
ERNIE—I'd lfke to 30 bunting. Are there any muce around here?
JACK—What? Muce? Well, I'll speak to the cat about it
FERNTE—No. | mean big mnce, with horns and evervthing
JIACK —Oh'! Moose? Well, there wa=t one over o the Qill ouvs, bul
sverybody shot at him, so he weul awdy,
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I TAKE SIOOOO ToRTHEAM &
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PRNIK—How far is it back to New York!
JACK-—Eighty miles, as the Ford flies.
ERNIE-—Somebody wants yvou on the phons.
JACK (at phone)—You did? Well, I'll tell him to pull down the
shade at once.
ERNIE—Are you the watchman at this hotel, too?
JACK—You try a little transom work, and see.
ERNIE—What was your job befors vou landed here?
JACK-—-I was cashier in a police station. Counting the coppers.
KRNIE—At home were you s&n only child?
JACK-—Nope, Triplets. I'm the one they #aved. Why, I know you
You're an old playmate of mine,
ERNIE—And now, just think. I'nd married
JACK—Yep. They're making husbands smalker every year
BERNIE—You're married, too, aren’t you?
JACK—Oh, yes. My wife thinks the worid of me Says 'm so
strong and handsome.
ERNIE-—Yes, you're strong.
JACK—-Say, if vou don’'t mind, I'm thirsty.
KERNIE—Oh, | don’t mind,
JACK —Well, then, I'll Just step back tu (e kilchen and water the
sal's milk |
I BIDNT K '
ALBANY/ 7147 t’
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< PorERY
It Must Be Good
To Be Popular
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HAT'S why the Monthly Free Fiction Mags-
T zine of The Sunday American is such a saver.
ite The world's best artists and writers produce
it It supplements The Sunday American's first
ssue every monih - .
Watch for It!
from N. Y. Auto Show
»
Coppright, I 8 by the Atar Compenr Groar Britain Rights Reserved
ERE'S a little New Year's joy tip: By the end of 1916 one ot o~
H every elght families in this moneystricken satien will find fteell
laden down with & motor car.
So. It you don't belong to any special famfly right now, harry and
hook up to oue, and you'll stand & good show of sitting in on the great
gasoline glide. It's & pipe, for In your assorts to establish a family, or
got established. you can’t g 0 wrong more’s seven times. The eighth shet
is bound to cop the burs-buggy
That's the line of lubrication the sales boys rubbed into we at ihe
ansual auto urge at Grand Cestral Palace, anyhow. As we drapad onr
tired person ever e alluring becushioned part of a flossy rear seat, we
felt willing to admit any statistics whatever, and though comtending that
this is & crual world, we concluded that America is probably the Teaw
cruel of the world's members, )
Personally, we can't give the auto trade mueh encouragement at
present, though we did let on to be interested—very. He whe bluffs and
runs Away saves masuma. The situation as regards us is thie: The
average price for honk backs has been cut tn half ta the last Afteen years.
By that reckoning we shall be able about sixty years hence—oh, well
don't let's fall by the milepost. Why should wa anticipate opulence ?
We listened intently, but heard no salesmen exhorting stroflers %
hold off on & car until 1930. By that time seroplaning will have made
folks stop sputtering se much sbout State roads. (Aren’t we the bod
soothsayer?)
No romance of an auto exhidit is complets without some ghastly
allusions to the Ford, which was conspiouous only by the number and
variety of accessories displayed, and made solely for the purpose of at
tachment to it. After an sxhaustive surver of thess parts, yom Wwon
dered if anything at all came f. 0. b. with fthe “car” except the rattie
and the smell. Ford !s the greatest Barnum that ever kidded the publie.
Instead of paving half a dollar for the privilege of being & suoker,
Henry has made his countrymen come through with & hundred times that
amonnt.
Around a Jong. gray car, with the outer skin removed to show all the
palpitating internal organs, was clustered & curious bunch of gaping
lookers, starving for information on anything at all Being In the sams
class as those worthy members of society, we sauntered up to the e
eitement and tried to enter into the spirit of the thing.
The agent, very nimble with his hands and vocal ecords, was ox
plaining what would happen If the differential rubbad against the magnets,
when the ignition wouldn't speak to the eluteh, just because the crank
shaft and the camshaft dropped water in the carburetor om sccount of
the arbitrary spark plug falling below the coll of the radiator.
In the crowd, and towering above thelr tense faces, stood s Janky
glant pot a bair under seven foot seven, we'll awear on a stack of har
or anything. He comprehended fully the drift of the salesman’'s argn
ment, but he was not inclined to admit everything flat. Fle had te say
something to justify his atroclous elongation. didn’t he®
So he peplied to the unctuous purvevor of those things which ne sane
(or Insane) man oan afford to be without:
“l kuow, old man (familiar stuff), but you haven't explained the
reason for having so much resilience in the extra wheel when the too!
box Is on the left, even though the speedometer works faster than the
ofl-fead when the gasoline supply freezes up and the atrcooled engine
can be chilled more effestively with icicles, because an inside drive,
lemme tell yub, ¥ mnech less dangerous when the chauffeur bhas a eold
in the head.”
Naturally fhis effusion was & Ameck-down srgument, and the ey
man didnt try to tell the tall party where he alighted. The extennated
being walked on to another corridor. And 444 the loiterers remain at the
side of the agent? Not perceptibly. They trailed the pale giant as he
were the pie-faced piper of Hamlin, and they were so many charmed
rodents.
We, too, were one of the rodents. The animatled skyscraper pansed
fn front of a graceful looking blue car, of noble lines, but unpretentious.
Rapping his gnarled cane on the running board, he demanded of the
agent, who ran hurriedly into the scens, the price of such a car.
“Only fifty-ive hundred,” grinned the cheerful keeper.
Whereupon the gilant fell heavily against the shock absorber.
As we skidded around another corner we jumped several linear fest
a¢ the terrifying imminence of a familiar screech. It was the peevish,
disgruntied snort of an auto horn—the kind that seems highly vexed at
the idea that a bloomin’ pedestrian should think he had a right to croas
a street. Oh, well, you can't blame a guy for jumping, whether it's in
doors or out. If a tiger had growled right bebind us, we imagine we
would have jumped just the same.
One auto horn company had a very fancy way of impressing the
staring multttudes by a serfes of little colored prints, sashing in turn.
Then a glib gent stood hard by and invited wondering ears to hold the
regeiver close and hear the warning rasp a mile away.
“Whadda yuh mean, a mile away?’ asked a skeptical cuss, as he
nevertheless adjusted the nppnut‘n to his organ of eavesdropping.
“Ladies un gelmun,” the sales demon was preaching, “our car is now °
et Columbus Circle, coming downtown at the rate of thir-ty miles per
nour. It is now at Fif-tieth street, and you can hear the horn sounding
loud-er. Still, there is plen4y of time to reach the sidewalk without
danger, provided yon are on Lexington avenue. The car iz now . slowing
down in front of this building, and the horp sounds harshly, no doubt,
on your ear-drug. Stand aside, please, and let the little girl hear’——
The colored prints, the while, showed terrible pictures of narrow
escapes of people who just misged being run down as the car crashed
madly downtown, either run down or frightened to extinction by the :
horn. The squawk seemed to be sort of a summoning knell which warned
the unoffending populace that it was time either to get off the earth or ‘
in it. Everrthing was nice and realistic, except {hat there was no ac /
companying enlightenment as (o what system of wireless telephone the
sounds were shoved into our ears. But what’s the use of spoiling the 4
llusion by asking foolish queries? Let's all believe in Santa Claus. i
Most lamps grew out of the mnd guards, like lobster syes. Tnside
the coupe part, where the lady sits, the little glass vase for flowers has
been made to accommodate hatpins, if desired. The whiskbroom in fiij
door pocket 18 of Arabian straw this vear, not Siberfan. The cretonne
upholstery seems to be mulberry preferred—yes, mulberry. The ",
back seat will hold thres in a pinch, but only twe in an embrace. R
These seem to be about the only important socety notes. Mews .
wmight be added, but our imagination does not permit, o (e
Over in the Astor ballroom we found the foreign oare, and the
“petter sort” of American-made cars trying to hobnob with them. g i
the aristocrats of motordom from overseas gave but scant notice to & ‘
nouveaux competitors. Wop, French and Dutch autos predomis Ȏi
with on English specimen or two. We approached one m
iracted by its swellegance, bus A gendarme swooped down Q” é«{
sald the cars couldn’t he leaned on. So we got & ltfle mAlgnawt, @:f
refused to huy i et
Instead, we hopped onto a Broadway car, and sald to {he sondw EL
“Howme. James.' ) ,
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