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The Troubles of Lilly Putian
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Bad Head |
This Morning
After—
Vol. VL.
.
Timelock Foams, the
.
Great Defective
The Adventure of the Good
Resolution.
[Author's Note.—The title at
the top was not so written by us.
The compositor persists in mak
ing the word read as he has
printed it, instead of “detective”
as we wrote it. We have reason !
to believe the printer has been
bribed by Mowriarity, the arch
criminal, who hopes thus to create
dissension between Foams and
myself.]
ELL, Potson,” said
“W
Foams to me, as
we breakfasted in
our modest diggings in Faker
street, “bow goes the water
wagon?”
“I'm entirely off the stuff,
Foams,” I replied.
I had lndyuced the great detec
tive to give up the “hop” at the
same time I swore off my
Scotch.
“And how do you feel?” I
asked.
“Tip-top, Potson,” said Foams.
“I don’'t feel the ‘need of it at
all.”
On my way home that after
noon I felt a little depressed
and dropped into my usual pub
lic house for a stiff Scotch and
soda.
I had just raised it to my lips
when I saw, reflected in the
mirror, some person in a booth
in the farthest corner. Who
aver it was, he had a ‘“‘needls”
in his hand and his sleeve was
rolled up.
T looked closer.
It -was Foams.
Disgusted with his lack of
will-power, 1 swallowed my
THE MORNING SMILE
WEX JONES Editor
—A—tlanta, Ga., Sunday, January 16, 1916.
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Did You Know That—
False hair is a sort of false
hood?
Paste diamunds are prefer
able to a paste in the eye?
Very few accidents are at
tributable to hobby horses?
Very few lhorses are one
horsepower?
Soft water will do more hard
work than hard water will?
Lots of people have soft snaps
living hard by the shore?
drink, which was purely medic
inal, and went out.
1 was silent that evening at
dinner, and Foams’'s only re
mark was, ‘“Potson, my dear
fellow, you are & chump.”
Naturally, I couldn’t tell
roams | had seen him without
glving away my own presence
in the Blue Boar.
When I saw Foams in the
same booth the next day I knew
that his intellect was too keen
for me. No wonder Moriarity
dreads him!
MEARST'S SUNDAY AMERICAN, ATLANTA, GA, SUNDAY, JANUARY 16, 1016
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The
Runabout
Rodent—
An
Invaluable
Invention.
IN THE SMILE'S
GET THE HOOK.
TO THE EDITOR—Seems
to me that goldfish ghould
be good pool-players—
they're always playing around
fnapool. JAMES T. CARP.
VERY TRUE.
TO THE BDITOR—A worm
would get very little change of
air by going to live in the sub
way. ROBERT M'CLUCK.
PERHAPS A LITTLE OF BOTH,
TO THE EDITOR—Should we
attribute its depravity to hered
ity or environment in the case
of a cucumber? JIM DILL,
RE EXCEPTIONS.
TO THE EDITOR—Is there
any exception to a universal
rule? T. L. WILSON.
[Never except
accaslonally.]
oottt ety
Our Weekly Health ITint.
Cut out New Year celebra
tions—for a year.
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Breaking Your
Good
| Resolutions
| Yesterday?
NO. 14.
Runabout
Rodent
Boon to Bachelors, Beaut
eous and Otherwise.
Smile’s Latest Invention Invalv
able to Hunted Sex
During 1616.
AKE a peek at the ao
| I companying {llustration.
If you're a married
‘ man, all you can do is shake
. your head and mutter, “Too
late.”
| It you're a bachelor, the hunt
ed look will fade from your eyes
and hope will once more spring
l in your breast.
Wwith the Smile’s Runabout
Rodent you are safe. No de
signing female dare approach
you when you have our non
meticulous mouse along with
you.
| You can smile as you let the
. R. R. rush to your aid. It will
make 1916 a literal leap year
for the girls who approach you.
| They’ll leap ten feet into the air.
| Order your Runabout Rodent
at once.
SPECIFICATIONS: Body—
Gray, upholstered in natural fur.
Cylinders—Twin-twelves.
Engine—Two-mousepower.
Speed—Fastest you ever saw.
Winter Hints.
You can prevent snow from
settling on your roof by pour
ing hot water on each flake as
it falls.
Chilblains on the toes will
i not trouble you if yvou keep your
. feet in the oven.
\ To prevent cake from getting
stale, eat it before baking.
Old Doc Foozle’s Health Series
OUR hair starts on the top of your head and grows out, or comes
! out, or has already done so.
Women who find that their halir is coming out will be pleased
to know that a hair recelver is one of the best things known to keep itin.
Halr is said to be woman's crowning glory. That's not exactly the
way to put it. “Somebody’s halr is woman's crowning glory!”
There is & place for everything, but a man's shoulder is no place for
& blonde hair—if his wife is a brunette. Patients often ask me what is
good for the hair. There are several things really good for it, chief
among them being a brush and comb.
It has been said that hair is & sign of wealth. Good night! Think
of how well off Jawn D. would have been if only he had grown a mat
like Paderewski!
Red hair is really beautiful. Some people laugh at it, but not those
who have it. There are two reasons why people have red hair-—iron in
the system and ancestors. No one, according to Confucius or some oele
brated sage, ever saw a slob with red bair.
A great many people rush up to me and inform me they are getting
bald—as though I couldn’t see it for myself, ten blocks away. I have
recommended everything from kerosene to prayer, and yet I can boast
of as many bald-headed patients as any other doctor.
Besides black, white and red hair there is the so-called “salt-and
pepper,” a very seasonable sort of hair. Brown hair grows in all shades
from almost black to almost red.
It has been said that there are very few frue blondes. Bosh! There
are just as many true blondes as there are true brunettes. Personally,
1 do not think hair has much to do with it.
There's a reason for everything, or at Jeast almost everything. We
have a reason for hair. Away back in the prehistoric days mankind had
to have hair or else he wouldn’'t have had anything on his mind. He
didn’t have any sort of a hat, nor did his wife—them was the happy days!
He had a very thick mop of halr, and every time a clansman would sneak
out of his cave and come up and bounce a stone can opener on his head
The Weekly Cruise of the Good Ship “News”
THERE’S little news of the Ford ship trip;
The country’s held by the Demon Grippe,
And the King of Serbs gave the silent slip
To the Bulgar.
The Russians mass for a move In herds:
The peace dove still is the goat 'mong birds,
While the Housewlives’ League had a war of words
Most vulgar.
The echoes heard from a libel suit
Say Barnes must pay all the costs to boot,
And the G. O. P. makes a plea for Root
To advise her.
Great Britain's dogged by the words “Too Late”;
The seas are rough on her Ship of State,
Aund they Docs prepare to operate
On the Kaiser.
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. GEMAT BRTRIR NigWis Howswyes.
the hair would sort of deaden the shock-—always providing the blow was
not too severe, when it would sort of deaden the man.
The primitive men used to cut their hair with clam shells and such
anthropological safety razors, but the women allowed thelr hair to grow.
This was because men {n those days didn't ruin a perfecily good dress
suit popping down and proposing. When they wanted & wifs they grabbed
ber by the halr and took her home to the cave. Do you think, them, any
woman would neglect to let her halr grow good and long?
Auburn hair is the same as red, except that the owner thereof #s a
peach. Titian halr is slso the same as red, except that the owner has
oodles of money.
There is & pecullarity about hair and names. If a fond mother names
her little girl baby “Goldle,” that child is certain to grow up with hair as
black as the internal economy of a fountain pen, But if she names the
child “Nubia.” her balr is certain to turn out to be the color of a quick
lunch cup custard!
Nine times out of ten when a man with hair as straight as the Ten
Commandments marries a girl with beautiful, ourly hair, their youngsters
all have perfectly straight halr. And eleven times out of ten the poor
man never hears the last of it!
Only a couple of generations ago a woman combed her halr in the
morning and that was all there was to it. Now she goes to a hairdressers
and has it washed and baked and electric-dried and curled and waved
and riococheted and marcelled and perfumed and done into a colffure, all
for the modest amount of about $2.50, and it looks almost as good
when she gets home as it did before she went. ;
And man—he used to get mother or wife to put the old yaller bowt
with the blue stripe 'round it on his head and cut his halr around that
And he combed it with a plain old horn comb, and on Sundays put &
lttle hair {le on it to be dressy, and it lasted him right through his seas
§COre years.
But now the Tonsorial Artist shampoos it with a pale pink stioky
fluid, singes it with a wax taper, rubs nine kinds of tounfc into it, each
one guaranteed to grow hair on a china doorknob, dashes bay rum inte
it, and by the time a man gets old enough to vote he begins to get bald.’
JAPAN would take the Philippines,
Yet will not dare to risk it;
Out in Detroit a man’s divorce
Was based on wifie’s biscuit.
The atmosphere gives nitrogen
When chemistry commands it.
"Tis Bryan’s guff
That ylelds the stufl—
The chemist he just lands it.
- - -
THE Dutch behold ip growing trade
The war cloud’s silver lining.
Our Mayor plans for better rule,
Yet recks not on resigning.
In cap and bells he seeks the role
Of Education’s meutor,
And dancing goes
In motley clo’es
Where angels fear to enter,
FO - l. 1
By Aoy
frg——
DEADLIER THAN USUAL.
“l UNDERSTAND that all S
warring natlons find el
women are perfectly able te male
shrapoel.”
“I'l wager they make It in thele
ewn way, however, One cupful of
gunpowder, ene cupful of nitre
MIM‘W“
"o m”
TME TO BEOIN.
eru-mn we are with »e
army, no sdequate navy, ne
guns, no nothing—ia an absolute
state of unpreparedness! I believe
we orter have everything in readi
ness. “Johnny on the spot” smy
sentiments
OFFICE BOY-Mr. Jones de
boss wants to know when you're
gonna get dose orders out whet
come In ou de Ih!
CAUSE AND EFFECT.
‘Aum-n.mdut—w
ten yeary' penal servitude
asked what was golng om In the
world
“Well, ther's most of Durope
fghting. and the saloons are closed
st ten tn London,” be was told.
“Go on!™ exclalmed the ex-con
viet. "Well, I never! Fanay the
saloons closing esrly havieg such
an effect’t™
A HARD BMOT,
LADY Ma London garden)-—We
always keep the howe resdy ia
cass of & Zeppelln raid
VISITOR—But surely, my dear,
1t would never reach them ot the
haight they 877
PROOF POSITIVE.
Lm CUSTOMER—Yes, this is
better weather pow. Some
people think all the rain we had &
little time ago was caused by the
firing of heavy guns in Belgium.
DRESSFITTER-I don't see how
that can be, madam, for I remem
ber we mostly had very fine weather
during the South African war.
HER SORROW.
“Doumr wife show any fn
terest in the war?”
*yeos, indoed. Bhe talks about it.”
“Wwhat does she say 7"
W,mmmummux
conld go”
Your Hair and
What of It?