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We Have With
Us Digby Bell
Dighy Bell, who has been for
years one of the most pepuiar
and unigque characters on the
staga, s to appear at Keith's
Palace Theatre thie week in a
laugh sketch oatled “Mind Your
Own Business,” under the divec:
thn of Winchell smith and John
L. Gotden.
" Oigby is as intoresting &
racontewr as thers is at sarge,
and every time ho shows himself
around town he hae a fresh orep
of stortes. Here are-a fowof e
atest: |
j THE DIFFERENCE. f
uGOD toves the Irieh,” said Mike %o
“Pat as they were taking up the
pavement on FMRA avenue. |
‘He does that,” snewered Pas a 8 he
looked wp and saw Aodrew Carnegle
whiszing by in a big Thwmousine, M‘;
he seems to help the Svotch.”
COULDN'T BLAME HER. ‘
DURJ)OG the recent Shakespemre
celebration a pumber of local
amateurs appeared in the great
dramatist’'s most famous tragedy.
Next day the priwtipal actor Inquired
of & ovitioal friend whet he M‘
of the performance. |
“K wae great! Sfinply greati” was!
sie reply. “As you played Hamlet
ik was eamy to see why Ophelia vhouwld
re sl drown hersell ” i
FAMILY PRIDE !
A BMALRL Dboy, who afterward
proved to be a nephew of one
of the Mayor's stenographers, was
wondering about in the Ciy Hall
when ome of the officlals there
happened upon him.
“"Well, sonny,” inquired the man,
wenially, “for whom are you looking ?’
“For my Aunt Kate.”
“Canst you find her?™
“¥ean”t seem to.”
*~Azd don’t you know whereshe 1u?”
“Not exactly. She's in here some
where though, and I know that tha
Mayor works in her office.”
MOMENTS OF DOUSBT.
I'u. wager that there are many
Oghting men i Burope just
now who would sympathize with the
spirtt of & question asked by a Flor
ida -oldl_nr during our Civil Wear.
On a tiresome night march this
soldier, sleepy and worn out, fell into
¢ ditch by the roadeie. Thers he
lay bemoaning his fate, when the
next regiment came up. Hearing Mo'
moans some of them hastened to hig
rescue,
As they stood him on Als feot, be
dreggled and demoralized, he turned |
to one of them and asked: ‘
*I say, stranger, don‘t you think
South Carolina was a little hutyr'i
News That Never Died s 1.1 1o
(From the Nahor edition of the Morning Pairiarch, Temus 14,
2115 B, C.)
NOAH'S ARK NEARS COMPLETION.
N
Em&bfldflmflm?«fimhflhm
Business Boome In Nahor,
mnummmmmmmm«nunmr.-uun
I purveyors of pink lemonade wax fat, for the hordes of humanity
mdlmumlnfn-tbofmeononorthc earth to feed
their curiosity and behold Noah’s Ark. The purlieus of this city have
assumed every aspect of a circus ground, with a picturesqueness that is
enhanced by the motley character of the visiting multitudes.
There are merchants from Mesopotamia, mendicants from the Plains
of Moreh, herders from Haran and suckers from Siddim. 80 business
Prospers, and the vagaries of an erratic old man have done more for the
Y than coplous reins and multiplying herds,
R MANY VISITORS.
mum«uummflum-wmu
of inquisitive persons, eager to inspect its interior. The surprising ele
ment in this spectacie can be appreciated only when we remember that
& short period of ten or fifteen years agofnone would so far encourage
n.on—nhhhh-lwutophufonummo deck of this non
desoript contrivance.
To-day the callers outnumber the stars, outstay their welcome if they
ean elude the vigfiance of the Noah family, and carry concealed upon
thelr persons when they depart some small souvenir in the shape of
wooden shaving or a handful of sawdust. And for this they pay two
ptoces of wilver, the price of admission, children of all ages full price,
It Noah #s really » madman, the method in his medness pleads for the
abandonment of il reason.
BONS MELP M THE WORK.
The old man's monstrous undertaking has been made possible largely
by the aswistance of his three sturdy sons, Shem, Ham and Japheth. The
flial devotion of two of these has become traditional in these parts, but
ft must be admitted that Ham s found lacking In enthusiasm. This
frivolons young gentleman frequeatly meglects Ms job on the Ark te
indwige in smetenr theatricnls,
'
BEST, PEAR 7 ‘
.' IH A ¢ : o
;IISI'III & G
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e
il
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EH Y o
Wil Y
TWERES 1% AT
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it \‘
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DoNT You
WELL! WHAT REALLY THIN® DE
Do You WANT THAT THE LITTLEAR'
Now? HAT WoULD LooK |
BEST oN ME
. Nis
R o
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W
1N
7N
Making Up Her Mind
o ' By TE. POWERS, the Famous Cartoonist
o) e e
& { THE Bs:sr‘ |
| gy, i
I’III s .
e
g
| AFRER AL\
; THOSE LITILE
/ HATS Look A WA
\ i SHIPFY - Dowr
\ You 7/7/;«/ ;T
NS? '
5
s\ 1189
YOUR SELR A
i
T ,II’I”’,
I I}!IIII
. i vII’ i
Lo IIIIIIII! |
I
nhml-imonwheomommrndthe father of a line of
actors, Of these trifling tendencies he gave strong evidence early in
life. The neighbors all recall how at the tender age of fifty this wilful
child successfully mimicked his own father, and Invented that popular
retort in Nubian accent, “Dat wa'n't po lady, boss; dat wur ina wife.”
WIFE PROTESTS PASSENGER LIST.
The wife of this weather prophet and would-be mariner expressed
herself in no uncertain terms regarding some of the psssengers her hus
band had booked for the voyage. Mrs. Noah declared that she had just
completed & most exhaustive campaign of housecleaning and did not
purpose to include In any future domestic scheme of hers any of the
fauna of which she had but recently succeeded in ridding herself
GAME FOR THE GAMINS.
There is one phare of the entire matter that affords small comfort
to Noah, but ylelde greaf entertainment to the populace. It is the amusing
Interest in the Ark displayed by & number of gamins, and their rather
unigne interpretation of its parpose. One little ragamuffin of forty waits
for Noah to appear on deck, then taps his forehead significantly and callg
in hie shriil childish voice, “Noah-body home!” In this he is Imitated by
his little brother, a tot of twenty, whom he holds by the hand. The little
fellow’'s Baby accents never fail to arouse the admiration of the visiting
ladies.
Another urchin, not a year over thirty-five, hag christened the Ark
“Bughouse.” This he painted in large letters at the prow, and illustrated
the text with an original conception of the snclent mariner, that ran
largely to web feet. ‘
THE SUCKERS FROM SIDDIM.
The greatest aggregation of come-ons, gawks, yaps and fall.guys ever
corralled arrived from the Vale of Siddim. This particular assemblage of
suckers blew into town with a display of wealth that threatens our
righteousmess. We predict that ere they depart there will he much relief |
from the embarrassment of riches. In fact, the trimming has .Imdyl
commenced, and our faithful but small constabulary } helpless in the
face of such odds. When these hicks find no other way of wcattering
their silver they patronize the booths of spurious seers and waste their
substance in & game played with the shells of a nut and several peas.
FAIR AND WARMER. ;
The local weather prophets continue to 'promise cloudiess skies. To
this Noah has nothing so say, but lays his phnks and keeps &n eye on the
strony box comtaluing the pleces of silvef. Should the stream of pros
perity continue to flow Into Nahor, we are inclined 1o give credence to
the propbecy for this land that the season will grow fair and warmer.
Clureight, 1814, by Whe Star Company. OGreat Britein Righte Boner vy,
T THINK THE LARSE)
L Tae i E
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fily . : ‘
1 "|"“i»' 4 @
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IIIIIIIII«I.»,I L
Do You TWnK ‘ ,
THAT BIG HAT WouLp
LooK GooD oN ME N
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i ‘ ‘;sé//; Youg i
[ i L #4h
A 2-2 2 y TT!
NERALE o b god T
z 3 a 7
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WELL ! BY ALL ‘
MEANS | TAKE THE
W
ITOVER WITH/
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Frank Tinney Can’t Drink Out of a Cup, He Can!
INNEY--I haven't got any regular set I just come out here and
l say whatever comes into my head—with one exception. I'm
not allowed to mention the Zabrisco automobile. They dom't
allow any advertising from this stage. Just think of it, a good car Hke
the Zabrisco car and I ain't even allowed to mention the Zabrisco car.
How do you like this job I got you, Max? ;
HOFFMAN-—Never mind the job, You're telling it around that 1
stole a dollar from you; aren’t you?
TINNEY--What I said was that I lost & dollar , ~ . in my dress
ing room. And If you hadn't helped me look for it . . . I'd have found
it. But I did get you this job. Yes, I did, Max. 1 went to Ziggy—that's
Billie Burke’s husband. “Ziggy,” I said, “Max Hoffman is a good fellow,
and he needs a Job leading the orchestra at the Oentury. Now Ziggy,”
I sald, “we've got such a good show on the stage thet it won't make any
difference about Hoffman's rotten music.
HOFFMAN--Do you think I make rotten mustc?
TINNEY-~¥You don't make any music at all, Frank. That beton Is
no more & musical instrument that a ukalele Is. You can‘t strike a note
with it. All you can strike is an attitude. An orchestra conductor has
about as much Influence on the programme as a street car conductor
has on the route his car shall take. All that efther one of you can do
is look around and see whether the erowd is all in, and then give the go
ahead signal. As an orchestra leader, you lead in the batting averages.
All you have to do is swing that stick to show the other players how to
follow the alr. If you were like a ball player who has to hit something \
besides the air . . every third time he swings his bat, they’d have you
on the bench all the time. You over estimate your importance, Max,
after 1 had to sandbag Zlegfeld and drag you into this Job by the ears.
These musicians don't pay any more attention to you than if you were
Vice-President, they don't. If you should join the Conductors’ Union
and go out on strike, they could hire all the finks they wanted for twe
dollars & day to stand and wave that stick of yours. But suppose the
Beer Drivers’ Union was to csll out these musiclans, Then how much
music would you and that stick be able to make? Just enough musie
for the clattering hoof beats in a movie chase film,
They say this place is haunted. Any house that has stood empty
long enough gets the reputation of being baunted by ghosts. They say
Ned Wayburn's ghost walks through this house avery night. Will Rogers
was up here eight weeks with Town Toples, and he says in all that time
he never saw the ghost walk once. This show is 8o long that on matines
days we eat on the stage.
HOFFMAN-~ls that so? What do you eat?
TINNEY-Ob, roast beef and meshed potatoer and four sancerfuls
of soffee.
AND YET THE ‘m'c,z
HATS ARE ALI RAGE
WHAT Do You THNK ?
; . Sulr Your-\
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IIIIIIIII’I’III!II :
In “The Oentury Girl," at the Oentury Theatre, He
Max Hoffman, the Orchestra Director, Why
Drink Out of Oup, How He Came to Be
and That the Century Mhm
of a cup. ; "’,‘
TINNEY-—Because the spoon gets in my eye. Say, |
ever hear how they came to build this theatre? “"‘-1
bunch of millionaires were sittifig in the sutomat eating.’.
One of them sald: “lm‘nmmh“fl“‘.’n
8o they went over there and Sundny preached a sermor -
sald: “Don’t die rich.” Well, it made a bit with those f{
they came back and buflt the Century thestre. i
This theatre when it was first bullt wae the most
in the world. Look st your programs and you will find ft
around now and chooss your exit” See the idea?
individual exit. This theatre used to be s 0 exclusive
separate exit for everybody thet sttended it Irving
good music for this show, Max, ’ ]
HOFFMAN—Yes; every tiwe | hear s mow ploce by |
off whistling it. ]
TINNEY-You whistle it as soon s you bear tt, sh?
HOFFMAN--Yes, ’ .
TINNEY--Well, 1 whistie ft before I hear .He ’
Irving Berlin steals everything he writes. Take “Alex: ¢
Band.” That isn't & new tune. That was simply “Sweet b 4
dome over again and done a little dffferently, W
I'm working for the Pullman company now, I got ary
up the berths and wouldn't give ‘em out to the travelers
me 4 quarter each. Now you must ask me: “What are »
Frank?” And I must answer: “Working for the Pullman L 4
I got arrestod,” and you must ask me, “Why?™ Now.
HOFFMAN-—What are you dotng now, Frank? &1
TINNEY—Pm working for the Pullmas compeny, 1
“What kind of work?” A ?
HOFFMAN--What are you doing for the Pullmen evlt |
TINNEY--1 was making up berths, but I refused to \'l
out until thay tipped me a quarter ench. And so | got I
HOFFMAN--Why, that's too bad. o
TINNEY (in disguat)—Poof. Wl st & », The »
berth eontrol, but you ralned it &t YR
I
Thankfulnt - -
Past, Prese | |
P~ % |
ast, Irese | |
()mfl‘;r'onnmfh U
m 1 |
They had -oon;'!
place and plenty of wood
forest back of the houss, ' |
They could go out ift the v
and shoot a turkey for [;’““”i
They culy had 1o elght 7
to chared. o
The Indiems = were ey
scarce and wouwld g ""
eway 1t you saw them firstiang
rioh %00d, corn to grind falp
wild apples, mp ‘ ~ Rea
deilcacies for the 'Thanl:(!
dinaer, ] Aber
3 Arno
i <o fin
WE ARE THANKFUL ;o
Wood is ondy "ammmm
coal only §ls or #o a # lard
The market man has's ha
save us a nice fresh st /ncs
at only “ cents the ”:'. lette
We can motor out to 7 "
to some densant after dilp
There are no more Il
bother about, only gunmeg;
subpoena servers and bill o',
and such things. o bTN
‘We can get pumpkin yill th
ple sauce and squash D for
berries and such de’’"® son
from the can by mem
cent oan opener. £ itenant
V4B new
-
OUR DBESCENDANT{ of the
THANKFUL BB | JF"O
They 4id not live . cavs
days of our: time w‘:’i’d‘“ I_‘;;
civilized customs and ),
bare comforts. cfotrse
That M, have no .. with
lem, but can push aby 't e
a turkey dinmer, wiy' = © 09
everything shot thre., ...,
matic tube direct fr!nn. (he
munity hesdquarters. ' "
mw"“ mn is a
themselves %o oltmg = “'"*"
motor car and d i I(.: .
road for amusement, \
conneet thelr
visionary and see and
operas, football games
amusements without
house. i
There are no
other lawbreakers
ened duay, since all
has been done & -
and dishonesty and
has gone quite out of.
Their forefathers,
longed for the mill
know how bored
weary and
they really are with
tum. RN