Newspaper Page Text
Nothing
ifiifi vxy;«.‘\ - . {‘
~ Serious
' ‘OME people dance for amuse-
S ment, others make a busi
-7 ness of it by becoming
Mighters.
B The New Age,
},‘ROND PAPA—WeII, son, what did
. you learn in school to-day?
. Bon—aAw, not mucn, isad. We
_hadda couple of two reelers in his
tory, a three reel travelogne Inp
F’fgfiography and a split reel nature
f;’fludy They usta give as a Wild
West pitcher once in a while, but
‘ they don’t do it no more. |
~ A 8 soon as the Declaration of In- |
jl.pendrmr'e declared man free and
“@qual, the divorce court was|
founded. i
:
- Keeping Up With the Times.
3 ‘SING w 80ng of ex-pense, a pocket
; full of air; |
Four and twenty hours ago he gpent l
all that was there. ;
- When his purse was opened he
P could not find a thing, !
- Bxcept that ho was poor as any |
% . European king. ;
p;Mulrs a man's a gravedigger
;hn reason why he shouldn’t look |
8 living man straight in the face
- without blushing. |
. i i
g Self-Convicted. i
cn a city man of convivial
¥ habits got into difficulty in a|
Y‘hl,“ town. Indeed, he found him
;fl‘fl haled before the local mnmp-‘
trate. |
. “The constable,” observed the |
Lelty man to the Magistrate, “sooms
%daffufly certain about the de. |
?flh of my case. How s it he
?flnm‘t call his fellow officer to cor
;%Mraw what he says?” {
Qj"‘l‘hem'a only one constable in
?fih village, sir,” explained the !
Magistrate, |
. "But 1 saw two last night!” (n i
%M‘nlly asserted the accused. |
. "Exactly,” said the Magistrate,
Z”’*mu broadly, “that's jest thef
:;%‘C against you!" *
.
L o |
~ An eminent philosopher after a !
*Wul study makes the statement |
fll‘t WAr ages men rapidly. Any |
married man could have told us |
that, f
- |
?fl% ~ That's Right—Why? |
W. all women are alike,” said!
= Y the cynic.
i "Why then” asked o wuman,i
iw}d any man commit bigamy? |
e i
s e !
§ R mightn't put you muech ahead,’
;;’“ It's Interesting (o know mat%
%pfldtt' have come to the con- |
Amn that a boob's o boob in |
; Calcutta or the Bronx, ‘
o A Financier. 1
f*AUN’rH“ can you change a dime |
. for me?” 1
"H;' do you want it chtmged,!
:'m & quarter, please.* j
s
K* "m fellow who Invented the t‘n!-t
_endar in prehistoric times, before |
- People worked for a lving, lackndl
*«mflzt foresizht to run 1y two
EM" & week, |
- T |
~ You Know That Car. 1
?«ml seems to be walking lately ™
éw :Y“: he sprained nhis lefl]
S \
;&“Bm he ought to be able to drive
with one hand.”
;‘?; his make of car. 1o has a
"? SEVYer, and he has to hold 4 down
- With his left hand while he cranks
It with his rigne © 1
A Few Good Ones
. Which Won?
'O Irishmen were arguing about
£S which was the most clever.
B IWeIL” wald Pt Il bet you
'gfi ne:u ‘ What keeps bricks to
hure,” sald Mike. “it's mor.
tar"”
PR mid Pt “yere wrong:
Zm keeps them apart ™
~__ Busy All the Time.
JITTLE Harold came In the other
, day, crying and rubling wsev.
oral bumps caused by & series of
"butts” administered by a pet
shoer,
“Well, Harold,” sald the sym
pathetie auntie. “what 414 you do
Whon the' «heep knocked you
down v
“1 didn't do ansthing; | was get-
Ung up all the time”
R -
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@ fiékem:w, —
Appropriate,
“l WANT a pair of earrings,
cheap but purty. They be fur
a 4 present.”
“Yes, sir.” said the jeweler. “You
want something rather quiet, | sup
pose ™
“Well, doan't ‘ee go for to mak
ing them too quiet, now.” replied
fie farmer. “My girl e deaf In
one ear.”
Making Practise Difficult.
u‘Ym: had your first patient bg
dax? usked old Sawbones.
“Yes, daddy.” replied his son.
“What was the' diagnosis?” -
“Didn't make any.”
“Didn’t you fee! her polse?™
“No: she wore a wrist watch and
I eouldn’t get at 1"
“Didn’t you look at her tongue?”
“No; she was using 11"
KI‘&ZY Kat By Herriman
The Weekly Cruise of the Good Ship ‘News’
THE French and Serbs took Monastir; THE tardy California vote
The Bulgars took to running. Has captured someone's silent goat. |
The Christmas show The newest bout, 1
Is all aglow, (The cards are out)
With prices simply stunning. Spike Railroad meets Kid Labor,
The pacifists deny belief Another U-Boat found its mark,
That Vict'ry wooes the stronger; And Bryan sure is keeping dark.
And C. Depew T. R. has planned
Says “Eye a few To leave this land
Fair dames and live much longer.” And seek a Fiji neighbor.
|\ - ’
A SCEPTER fell from feeble hands |
At will of Death, the Reaper; |
A “loaded” toy |
With little joy |
. To bring its present*Reeper. |
The horsecar's doomed to share the lot . |
Of dodo and of merman, ‘
A Chinaman |
Said “Speak no can” |
Then answered judge in German.
Convright. 1018 by the Ntar Comaany. Graat Rritals Riebte Gesarvad
Turkize By Willie Joans
HANKSGIVIN DAY will soon
T be hear whitch is why our
teecher maks us write com
persishuns about turkize.
1 asked I'a what he pew a hout
turkize and he sez 1 kno thear
roostin so dasht-blankt high you
can't reech 'em with ennything
shorter than a ten doller noat and
Ma she sez you shouldnt use sutch
swarg wordz and Pa ansurs her and
#oz I 8 that so? How long sintz you
ben workin your fool hed off in a
orfise to urn enuff monnle to buy
turkize and Ma she sez your the
onlie one whats got that sort of a
hed 8o I giv it up anddwent up to
my room and rote this hear com
persishun a bout turkize:
Turkize is a 'urd whiteh is
natehural to this country. Al othur
turkize in forrin landz was brought
thear from this country.
A he turkie is called a gobbler
and he is mutch handsummer than
a she turkey. All he animuls In
kindin burds is handsummer than
she antmule but the wimmin ani
muls wont admit it and it taiks lots
of cloathes to maik them pritty, I
beteher if wimmin had to ware
mens cloathes they woodnt be has
80 handsome as men.
Turkize was once wild and our
four fathers used to shoot them for
dinner. Now they aint so wild but
1 should think theyd be wilder be
caws everybuddy eets them for
Thanksgivin whitch is a holler day
set a side by the perserdunt and
guvernor for eetin and all s 6 be
caws they ha! to stay for yeers in
cold store age. ;
Whiteh is awl 1 kno a bont
turkize
The Greatest
Vi 4
ICe -
5
(Editor's Note.—Doubtless the cry
of “Muckraker!” will be raised at
this gripping exposure of human
ity’s thralldom, to a horrible wvice,
but the Truth is mighty and will
prevail. The subsidized press has
raised its puny voice against the
drink evil, the drug habit and the
¢ other lesser vices, but not one has,
had the courage to attack the most
awful of all vices. THE CITY
LIFE SECTION has no fear: Read
this scathing polemic and stand
aghast. Private lessons in how to
stand aghast will be given at mod
erate rates by our ezperts, than
whom there are none superior.)
ONSIDER the case of Harold. -
C Harold is the darling of his
mother's heart, the hope of
her declining years. A fine, clean,
upstanding, manly youth, with the
red blood of manhood -coursing
through.his veins, Untarnished by
the world’s wickedness, he is a
picture to gladden any mother’s
eyes as he leaves the house with
springy step at 8 o'clock in the
morning.
The fleeting hours flit. It is 6,
o'clock and Harold returns to his
dome where Joving arms await
him. But can it be the same
Harold? Gone is the ruddy bloom
that adorned his cheek in the
morning; gone is the virile elas-.
ticity from his step. Pale, drawn
. and haggard, he drags his weary
limbs homeward. o
What has happened to our brave
young hero? Have evil compan
ions tempted him with the juice of
the grape? Has he fallen victim
to the dread drug habit? No, dear
reader. And yet, one would al
most hope that either were true.
For he iz in the grip of ;x more
loathsome, yet more powerful
habit: the habit of WORK!
You shuddq‘? But read on!
Consider Tessie. Tessie is in the
flower of her maidenhood, almost
ready to take the trembling step
into woman’s estate. The alarm
clock wakes her from her roman
tic dreams of Prince Charming,
and she gf»es forth with a song on
her lips and a more joyous song in
her heart.
The hours pass (don’t they ever
have openers, one wonders). It is
6 o'cloek, and Tessies returns to
the home of which she is the most
precious jewel. But alas! It is no
longer the same happy, carefree
Tessie! Weariness has left its
mark upon her fresh features, ex
"haustion cries aloud in her lafl
gard step. She, too, is a slave of
that awful habit—WOßK!
Figures, we know, can be made
to do anything. They can be made
to do the new Hawaiian dances or
to prove that one man out of every
seven is left-handed. We have
come to have little faith in figures,
_ especially those of us who ar€ mar
ried. But weigh these figures,
nevertheless. They have the au--
thority of the United States Bureaw
of the Census:
Ninety-five per cent of the adult
population of the United States is
in the clutches of the grim task
master WORK! The other 5 per
cent are actors and newspape.r
men, and they, of course, are im
mune. Sixty per eent of the adult
and adolescent female population
of the country are the slaves of the
same despotic tyrant. Compare
these figures with the small per
centage of the submerged tenth
who are victims of the drink habit
and the drug habit, and you will
realize the vast extent of this sinis
ter influence.
As with all vices, the bitter pill
_ is sugar-coated at the start. The
oily tongued tempter says to Harold:
“You are a man now, and youn must
do as other men do. It will be so
easy, and you will soon make
plenty of money. Remember, my
boy, that money is power!” And
Harold hearkens to the voice, and
is tempted. Oh, the pity of it
There are a million Harolds!
The tempter says to Tessie: “Why
shouldn’t you have just as nice
clothes ns.other girls? Jyst a lit
tle work, it won't hurt you a bit,
and you can have money of your
own to buy all the clnthes\you
want” And Tessie, like Harold,
is tempted. Oh, the horror of !
There are a million Tessies!
Now is not the time, nor. ade
these columns the place to bring to
book those who are rc-’fmnnm, for
thi= awful condition/ Society is
ever quick to eprrect its evils, once
they are called to its atteion,
The veil has now been rent from
the most awful of al evils. Now
that the facts are known, how long
will Society walt before unenrth.
Ing the men higher up and wreak-
Ing veageance upon thems
We pause for a repiy. |