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b‘_._—_—’“‘*—“——_———mk,
ee e et
e Have With
g: Digh;
ighy Bell
i g /
| Digby Bell, whq has been for
one of | most popular
g::‘unlqu d:;etm on the
M is to apfear at Keith's
(Paizoe Theatre this week in a
/laugh sketch ofled “Mind Your
|Own Business,’ under the direo.
‘tion of Winche! Smith and Joha
‘L. Golden. |
\ Digby s aa interesting a
. racontour as there is at large,
-and every tige he shows himself
. around towr he has a fresh orap
- of stories. rlere are a sow of his
E latest: .
! THY DIFFERENOE.
M@ love the Irish,” sald Mfke to
] “rax ulhm‘y were taking up the
ent m Fifth avenue.
“He does that,” answered Pat as he
upand saw Andrew Carnegle
whiseing )y in a big Umoustne, “but
he weemsto help the Scoteh.”
{ oq/JLDN'T BLAME MER.
IDUflO the recent Shakespeare
j bration a number of local,
; smateys appeared in the great|
&-unafiat‘l most famous tragedy.|
Next (ay the principal actor {nquired
of a ritical friend what he thought|
of thy performance. ‘
“Itwas great! Simply great!” was|
the ‘eply. “As you played Hamlu%
#t wis easy to see why Ophelia ghould
go #éad drown hersell”
{ FAMILY PRIDE
iA! SMALL boy, who afterward
% proved to be a nephew of one
M the Mayor's stencgraphers, m’
wandering sbout in the City Hall
When one of the officlals there|
happened upon him. l
“Well, sonny,” inquired the mm.f
‘eninlly, “for whom are you looking?™
“For my Aunt Kate.”
“Can’t you find her?”
“] can’t seem to.”
*And don’t you know where sghe 187"
“Not exactly. She’s in here some
vhere though, and I know that the
fayor works in her office.” !
| MOMENTS OF DOUBT.
"LL. wager that there are many
fighting men in Kurope just
w who would sympathize with thel
of a question asked by a Flon
soldier during our Civil War.
On a tiresome night march this
ldier, sleepy and worn out, fell into
ditch by the roadside. There ho‘
y bemcaning his fate, when thy,
ext regiment came up. Hearing h$ |
some of them hastened to his|
o i
As they stood him on his feet, be-|
ed and demoralized, he tnmd‘
one of them and asked: /
“l say, stranger, don’t you tink
h Carolina was a lttle hasty?™|
News That Never Died & 1.3 Lebson
m&NMM.{mIMPMTuuu,
f 2118 B. C.)
NOAH'S ARK NEARS COMPLETION.
/ ——
Bocentrio Ofl Gentleman Persists in His Purpose
| Business Booms in Nahon,
Tmuwmmmmmxm.mm
purveyors of pink lemonade wax fat, for the hordes of humanity
continue to pour In from the four corners of the earth to feed
their curiosity an{ behold Noah's Ark. The purlleus of this eity have
assumed every asject of & circus ground, with a picturesqueness that is
enhanced by the potley character of the visiting multitudes.
There are m¢chants from Mesopotamia, mendicants from the Plains
of Moreh, herdes from Haran and suckers from Siddim. Bo business
prospers, and thy vagaries of s erratic old man have done more for the
gommunity than copious rains and multiplying bherds.
ARK HAS MANY VISITORS.
On the gangplank of this surfons craft can be seen a constant stream
of inquisitive gersons, eager (o inspect its interior. The surprising ele
mant {n this spectacle can be appreciated only when we remember that
a short period of ten or fiftetn years ago none would so far encourage
the old man {» his Insanity (s to place foot upon the deck of this non
‘desoript contrivance. |
To-day the callers outnunber the stars, outstay their welcome if they
can eiude the vigllance of hie Noah family, and carry concealed upon
their persons when they d some small souvenir in the shape of
wooden shaving or & hndtl‘:! sawdust. And for this they pay two
pieces of silver, the price ¢ admisston, children of all ages full price.
It Noah 1s really a madmas the method in his madness pleads for the
abandonment of all reason,/ '
SONS HELP IN THE WOFK.
The old man's monstrais undertaking hes been made possible largely
by the assistance of his tfree sturdy sons, Bhem, Ham and Japheth, The
fllia! devotion of two of hiese has become traditional in thess parts, but
ft must be admitted tht Ham l¢ found lacking in enthusiasm. This
trivolons young gentleysn frequently neglects bis job on the Ark o
indulge in amateur thessicals, ?
WHicK MAT Do You Like
BEST, DEAR 7
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L iA e ‘
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THERES A BIG FAT
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WouLd You? ‘.“M >
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, DoNT You
- WELL! WHAT REALLY THINK DE
po You WANT THAT THE urn.EAR'
Now? HAT WouLDb LooK
BEST oN ME
EMW 0 4
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TR A
k‘.‘; .g‘,‘ 4 s\&:@%"?
7N
70
Making Up Her Mind
I LIKE THE
LARGE HAT
THE BEST
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&
L / THOSE LITTLE
g 0 HATS Look AWRK,
SN/PFY~ Doy
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actors. Of those trifilng tendencies he gave strong evidence early in
life. The neighbors all recall how at the tender age of fifty this wilful
child successfully mimicked his own father, and invented that popular
retort in Nublan accent, “Dat wa'n't no lady, boss; dat wus ma wife.”
WIFE PROTESTS PASSENGER LIST. |
The wife of this wmrpmummw
herself in no uncertain terms regarding some of the passengers her hus
band had booked for the voyage. Mrs. Noah declared that she had just
completed & most exhaustive campaign of housecleaning and did not
purpose to Include in any future domestio scheme of hers any of the
fanna of which she had but recently succeeded in ridding herself.
GAME FOR THE GAMINS,
There is one phase of the entire matter that affords small ocomfort
to Noah, but yleldw great entertainment to the populace. It is the amusing
interest in the Ark displayed by a number of gamins, and their rather
unigue interpretation of its purpose. One little ragamuffin of forty waits
for Noah to appear on deck, then taps his forehead significantly and cally
in his shrill childish voice, “Noah-body home!” In this he is imitated by
his Jittie brother, a tot of twenty, whom he holds by the hand. The little
fellow's baby accents ncufflflbmthm«lmfilm
ladies.
Another urchin, not a year over thirtysfive, has christened the Ark
“Bughouse.” This he painted in large letters at the prow, and {lustrated
Alo lext with an original conception of the ancieat mariner, that ran
largely to web feet |
THE SUCKERS FROM BIDDIM. |
The greatest aggregation of comeons, gawks, yaps and fallguys over
corralled arrived from the Vale of Siddim. This particular assemblage of
suckers blew Into town with a display of wealth that threatens our
righteousness. We predict that ere they depart thers will be much relief
from the embarrassment of riches. In fact, the trimming bas already
commenced, and our faithful but small constabulary is heipless in un!
face of such odds. When these hickp find no other way of lultcrh.‘
their siiver they patronize the booths of spurious seers and waste their
substance In & game played with the shells of & nut and several peas. |
FAIR AND WARMER. ‘
The loeal weather prophets continue to promise cloadless siies. To
this Noah has nothing so say, but lays hiw planks and keeps an eye on the
strong box contalning the pleces of silver. Hhould the stream of pros
perity continue to flow Into Nahor, we are iclined to give eredence .‘
the prophecy for Uds land that the season will grow falr and warmer.
By T. E. POWERS, the Famous Cartoonist
CRRNEAM, M by, bos Biax Company, Beess Beiiain Kighis Reserve
LW
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Do You TW/NK
THAT BIG HAT WouLp
LOoK GooD oN ME (*
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B'gONE AND HAVE
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Frank Tinney Can’t Drink Qut of a Cup, He Can’t
Tle—qlum‘tMmu‘uhrut. I Just come out here and
mvhmwmuhunyho‘a—-flmmm I'm
not allowed to mention the Zabrisco automobfle. They dom't
allow any advertising from this stage. Just think of it, & good car Ifke
mhbrlnomudllh'tmunwdbmmmfl-
How do you like this job I got you, Max?
HOFFMAN-—Never mind the job. Yow're telling it sround that |
stole a dollar from you; aren't you?
TINNEY-—What I sald was that I lost & dollar , , ~ in my dress
ing room. And If you hadn’t helped me look for it . . . T 4 have found
it. But I did get you this job. Yes, 1 did, Max. I went to 2iggy-—that's
Billle Burke's husband. “Ziggy,” 1 sald, “Max Hoffman is a good fellow,
and he needs a job leading the orchestra at the Century. Now Ziggy,”
1 sald, “we've got such a good show on the stage that it won't make any
difference about Hoffman’s rotten muele.
HOFFMAN--Do you think I make rotten music?
TINNEY--You don't make any music at all, Frank. That bston is
Do more & musical instrument that a ukalele 18. You ean’t strike a note
with it. All you can strike is an attitude. Anm orchestra conductor hins
about as much influence on the programme as & street car conductor
has on the route his car shall take. All that efther one of you can do
is look around and see whether the crowd is all in, and then give the go
shead signal. As an orchestra leader, you lead in the batting averages,
All you have to do Is swing that stick to show the other players how to
follow the alr. If you were like a ball player who has to hit something
besides the air . . every third time he swings bis bat, they'd have you
on the bench all the time. You over estimate your importance, Max,
after I had to sandbag Ziegfeld and drag you into this job by the ears.
These musicians don't pay any more attention te you than if you were
Vice-President, they don't. If you should join the Conductors’ Union
and go out on strike, they could hire all the finks they wanted for twe
dollars & day to stand and wave that stick of yours. But suppose the
Beer Drivers’ Unlon was to call out these musiclans. Then how much
musio would you and that stick be able to make? Just enough musie
for the clattering hoof beats in & movie chase film.
They say this place is haunted Any house that has stood empty
long enough gets the reputation of being haunted by ghosts. They say
Ned Wayburn's ghost walks through this house every night. Will Rogers
was up here eight weeks with Town Toples, and he says in all that time
be never saw the ghost walk once. This show is so long that on matines
days we sat on the stage,
HOFFMAN-~ls that s 0? What do you eat?
TINNEY--Oh, roast beef and masked potaloos and four ssucertfuls
of coffes.
i W?E:;‘Q: :
|l! ’:!a (O |
¢ ,'"”m:m =2
ol \ '
# DONT GET YoUR KT
AN WHICH %T WouLp You
5 f TAKE - THE 81§ ON’l‘ orR
0 | THE LITTLE ONE
/ >
fmfi: f;jf%i
muumilhlilfltl!; &
In “The Ocntury Girl,” at the Oentury Theatre, He Explatns to
Max Hoffman, the Orchestra Director, Why He Oan'%
Drink Out of Cup, How He Came to Be Arrested,
and That the Century Theatre Is Haunted
HOFFMAN-—Baucers of ocoffes. Why domt you drink coffes sul
of a cup.
TINNEY-~Because the spoon gets In my eys. Say, Max, &4 you
ever hear how they came to bufld this theatre? Well, I'lll tell you. A
bunch of millionaires were sitting in the automat eating and talking
One of them said: “Let's go over to Paterson and hear Billy Sunday/
Bo they went over there and Sunday preached a sermon in MA:
sald: “Don’t die rich.” Well, it made a hit with those millionalres.
they came back and buflt the Century theatre.
This theatre when it was first bullt was the most exclusive theatrs
tn the world. Look at your programs and you will find it says: *“Look
around now and choose your exit” Bee the idea? Choose your own
individual exit. This theatre used to be so exclusive that there was a
separate exit for everybody that attended it. Irving Berlin wrote some
good music for this show, Max,
HOFFMAN-Yes; overy time I hear a new piece by Berlin I walk
off whistling It %y
TINNEY--You whistle ft as soon as you hear i, eh?
HOFFMAN-—Yes.
TINNEY—WeII, 1 whistle 1t before I hear . Fe steals s stoft
Irving Berlin steals everything he writes. Take *Alexanders Rag Time
Band.” That isn’t & new tune. That was simply “Sweet Rosle O'Grady”™
done over again and done a little differently,
I'm working for the Pullman company now, I got arrested. I mads
up the berths and wouldn't give 'am out to the travelers until they pald
me a quarter each. Now you must ask me: “What are you doing now,
Frank?” And I must answer: “Working for the Pullman company--and
I got arrested,” and you must ask me, “Why? Now. Ask me,
HOFFMAN—What are you doing now, Frank?
TINNEY—Pm working for the Pullmaa company. Now, ssk mb:
“What kind of work?
" HOFFMAN-—Wbat are you doing for the Pullman company?
TINNEY-I was making up berths, bag I refused to glve any of them
out untll they tipped me & quarter emch. And so | got arrested.
HOFFMAN--Why, that's too bad
TINNEY (in disgust)—Pool. Well et &&0 The suswep was,
. Barth eaatrol, but you rulned it :
Thankfulness—
Past, Present and
Future
TR FOREFATHERS WHRW
O THANKFUL BECAUSE:
They had & good open five
place and plenty of wood in the
forest back of the house
They could go out in the wools
and shoot a turkey for dinnen
They only had to walk eight miles
to church.
The Indians were becoming
scarce and would generally rum
away if you saw them first and shod
st them. 1
There wes such an sbundanos of
rich food, eorn to grind into meal
wild apples, pumpkins and othey
delicacias for the Thanksgiving
dinnes.
A———— >
WH ARED THANKFUL BRECAUSEN
Wood is only $lB a cord and
coal only sls or so a ton.
The market man has promised to
save us & nice fresh storage turkey
at only 45 cents the pound.
We can motor out to the game o
to some dansant after dinner,
There are no more Indiansy
bother about, only gunmen -:
subpoena servers and bill collectoss
and such things.
We can get pumpkin ples and age
ple sauce and squash and
berries and such delicacies :
from the can by means of s Gws
cent can apenen
o W Bade
s——y "
OUR DESCENDANTS WKL BN
THANKFUL BECAUSE:
They 4id not Hve in the crude
days of our time with our halh
olvilized customs and struggles for
bare comforts.
That they have no servant probs
~ lem, but can push a button and have
| a turkey dinner, wine, music and
everything shot through a pnets
matic tube direct from the comm
munity headquarters.
That they do not have to exer®
themselves to climbd into & nolay
motor car and go Jogging over the
road for amusement when they cam
connect their wireless auditone and
vislonary and see and hear plays,
operas, football games and all other
amusements without leaviag the
house.
There are no thieves, crooks ow
other lawbreakers In thelr onnb
ened day, since all that sort of thing
has been done away with and sfn
and dishonesty and c#erythh‘ evil
has gone quite out of style
Their forefathers, who alwayw
Jonged for the millenium, will neves
know how bored and tired and
weary and disgusted and unhappy
they really are with the old millen
fum.