Newspaper Page Text
The Busi
e Business Career of
P ;
eter Squint
By C. B. Quincy
ONFIDENCE,” says the Manual of Business Fffictency, *¥s the
“ greatest secret of suoccess. When you try to sell a mas
anything, approach him confident that you will make & sala
The same rule applies when you go after a job.
Hitherto the only job I had landed was handed out to me because
the boss had known my uncle, which 18 no business reason at all, and a
thing seversly condemned by the manual. Neverthelees, it had heiped
me to fesl more confident The rest of this afternoon | spent practising
additional confidence. I repested over and over again to myself the
maxims which the Manual says have an unfalling result:
I MUST BUCCHRED
I CAN DELIVER THE GOODS.
I AM UTTERLY CONYVIDENT. \
THE JOB I 8 MINAR
Next morning | decided to gel & job with Joshua Boéur. ne, se !
wenit around to the Beezer Bullding bright and early.
Going up in the elevator the man called out: “¥Floor, please?™ I wat
#0 sbsorbed in becoming confident that 1| answered: “l can deliver the
goods.”
“Take the freight slevator,” the operator respomded,
“I must suoceed.” 1 muttered.
“Wha-aat?! What d'ye want? the man hollered.
“] want Joshua Beezer, Ine”
| noticed the fellow looked at me strangely, but he stopped the em
before a door on which was lettered JOSHUA BEEZER. INC.
As ] opened the door | kept murmaring to myself “1 am utterty con
fdent-—-1 am utterly eonfident”——
A red-haired boy came to the gate.
“Whadya want?™ he asked. “We didn't call no messengen”™
“The job is mine,” 1 had kept repeating mechanically.
“No job is yours, nix, notatall,” said the red-haired boy. T just told
yo we didn"t call no messenger.”
“Messenger!” Was 1, with my heart full of confidence and my feet
now-—practically—on the first nound of success’s ladder, to be treated as
& wandering measenger boy! Not so. My blood bolled, but I managed
to say politely-—the Manual enjoiua unvarying politeness—*l should ke
' to see Mr. Joshus Beeszer, please.”
; “Ah,” sald the red-haired boy, “you wania see Mr. Joshua Boeser,
eh? Won't one of the ‘lnc's’ be all right?”’
“No,” 1 answered, forgetting momentarily the precepts of the Manual.
"o, you red-halred young shrimp, one of the ‘lne’s’ won't do. I want to
0o Mr. Joshua Beeser personally.”
“Well, in that case,” retorted the boy, “you'll have to run out to Ever
kepe Cemetery, for the Beesers’ have been dead over ten years ™
A couple of the stenographers tittered.
“And I ain't ne red-baired shrimp neither ™ i
1 was s 0 mad 1 forgot all about the Manua!
*You are, t 00,” I yelled.
“1 ain't, neither.”
I slapped his face. ‘
We fell over the rail, knocked over a desk, snd had a¥l the girls
screaming as we wrestled around. But before much damage could be
done the door opened and in came the elevator man with a special
officer.
“There, | knowed it." said the elevator man. “T knowed this fellow
was an anarchist or spy or sumpin. Tells me he's goin’ to deliver the
goods and looks loony as he says he must succeed. And here he's been
nabbed by this here hero.”
The special officer had me by the ecilar and he, too, addreswed the
red-haired kid. "You done nobls,” he said. “Twounldn’t surprise me none
if you gets a reward for baflling this desprit villain.”
.. “Oh, 'tain't pothin’,” answered the red-haired boy. “I knowed from
readin’ Chapter IX. of the Manual of Detective Deduction that he was &
«dangerous character soon as he opened his trap.”
S 0 he studisd & manual, also, |
. . \
©" ‘There wasn't much more to tell. The fodge let me go right away,
Lecause he knew my uncle!
" That doesn’t seem like justice to me, but I didu't stop to argus
“about it.
But if | ever meet that red-halred detective kid!
et —— S ————————————— e ————
:v"' uotu“-
X “FA'!'MBR." sald an inquiring youth, “when a hen sits on an egg {o
. three weeks and it don't hateh, is the egg spolled?”
" “As an article of diet, my son, It is hencetorth a failure, but for polit!
" tal purposes it has Hs uses.”
: Unkind. .
y THE’Y were newly wed, sud were showing their triends over their littls
. % home. Hach room in turn was Inspected. Last on the list came she
kitchen. The litlle wife waxed eloquent.
y “You see,” she said, “that is where Ido all my cooking. And this is
. the very basin in which I mix my cakes.”
i “And this,” cried the young man, indicating the oven with & sweep
of his arm, “is the brick&iln!"
i True to Form.
: 'rfll average man trests spiritualism as a joke. The story is told of a
widow who tried to get in touch with her deceased husband. )
The medium, after a good deal of futile work, sald to the widow:
. “The conditions this evening seem unfavorable. I can’t seem to establish
communication with Mr. Smith, ma'am.” ¢
' *“Well, I'm not surprised,” sald the widow, with a glance at the clock
_“lt's only half-past eight now, and John never did show np till about 3
am”
e 1 A Little Hard of Hearing.
TWO ladies, one of whom was very deaf, were walking by the rallway.
% Suddenly an express train rushed by, and as it passed the engine guve
_a shriek that seemed to rend the sky. The lady's ears were nearly split,
.- but the deaf one turned to l}u suffering friend and sald, with a happy
, smile:
“That's the first robin I've heard this Spring” ‘
Couldn't Understand It. l
“BLLL." said tue beavy tragedian of a travelling theatrical company,
while peering through the curtaln, “the house is just about empty.” 1
“Can't understand that” reflected the comedian. “We've never been
hore hotor: have we* }
Took It For a Bign. 1
\Tuhkb; is a fne new bullding of white marble and Greek architecture
in a Western city, On the cornerstone is engraved the date of thel
buflding’s erection. It was begun in 1909, but, following the usual eustom, ‘
the date is in Roman capitals, thus: MOMIX. "
The other day one citizen approached another and asked him if he
Lad seen thelr comman friend Danny that day.
“] sure did.” replied the second man. “A few minutes ago 1 seen him
eianding in front of MeMix's new building over there on the corner.” '
| A True Bill |
JUDG&-V\w is the verdict of the jury’ i
Foraman—Your Honor, the jury are all of one mind—temporarily
h.-1..
HEARST’S SUNDAY AMER'CAN — A Newspaper tor People Who Think — SUNDAY, JANUARY 27, 1918
Those Tired Business Men
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Thne roaunk Philosopners
on War
6 EST fer a guess,” began Ben
Phelps, making his cow-
J bides sizzle against the
stove In Uncle Silas Wiggin's Gen
eral Store at Podunk Village, “how
muck longer do ye think this
here'——
“War will last? finished Jest
Weeks with a snort. *“There,” he
added, turning to Abner Heath,
‘didn't I tell ye Ran wouldn't mor'n
git sot before h;x‘tod off on this
here war talk? ’
“What of it, hey 7" Semanded Ben,
glaring at the others. “I guess
there's two or three others in this
here' world & talkin’ on the same
subjec’ right this minnit.”
“Gorthamitey, aln't there enough
other things to talk about?” de
manded Jeff.
“What, f'instance?” Uncle Bflas
askod pleasantly, as he closed his
ledger, came out from behind the
counter and joined the trio.
“Oh, business, or crops, or ships,
or wimmin, or pork an’ beans, or &
thousand other things’——
“They all lead right smack up to
war,” insisted Ben. “Business {s all
shifted ‘round on account of th’
war. We can’t mention crops with.
out tellin’ 'bout not enough cars to
move 'em, or th' seventy million
bushels of wheat we gotter go short
on to feed th’ allles an' nootruls.
And as fer ships—all we read about
is buildin’ ‘em, or sinkin’ 'em, or
blowin’ 'em up, or workers strikin’
on 'em”™—— e
“But th'* wimmin*—
“Ye say ‘wimmin” {interrupted
Uncle Silas, pleasantly, “an’ ye haf
ter mention knittin’, or Red Cross,
or mothers an’ wives, or would-be
wives th' boys has left behind.”
“Wa'al, pork an’ beans, then?”
demanded Jeff.
“I " feed my men on pork an’
beans,” sung Abner Heath, from
that classic concerning one Captain
Jenks and his “Hoss Marines,”
whereupon they all laughed.
“Jest th' same, we'll all be glad
when there ain’t po war"——
“We'll all be dead when there
ain’t no war,” declared Ben,
“Ye's a downright pessermist,
Ben,” growled Abner. “This here
war won't last more'n a couple of
years™——-
“Thar always has been war, an’
fur's I ¢'n see, thar always will
be"—
“Oh, no, Ben—~not always,” inter
rupted Jeff.
“Ben’s right” sald Uncle Sflas
“thar's been war of some kind right
from th' start, right from th’ time
Adam an’ Eve an’ th' sarpint dis
agreed over th' apple. Read hist'ry
—{t's all war. Th' Old Testament's
chuck full ot armies and battles,
four hundred thousand, en' when
Joshua was first capturin’ this same
Jerusalem th' British took a while
ago, twenty-five thousand was killed
in one day"———
“Aw, he didn't fight fair. He
wan't satisfied to knock off fightin’
at sundown an" call it a day—no
sir-ee,” declared JeN. “He made
t’ sun stand still au}kem right on.*
“But that's what I sald—a war I
armjes*’——
“No, Ben, not always. Thar’
labor wars, an’ business wars, an
matrimonial wars, an’ a millior
other kinds. 1 tell ye th' old world’s
full of strife an’ war, an’ i ther
ain’t no armies a fightin’, then t!
people are fightin’ some othe
WAY' e
Uncle Silas paused to fiil his pipe
“Should think you'd get allfired
sick of so much war talk, Uncle
81" sald Jest.
“Why don't ye git one o' them
cards 1 see in th' oity which says
‘No War Talk Here'?" queried Ben.
“Let 'em talk it here, but I wish
I bhad one to put in ev'ry home.
Make folks cut out their war talk
an’ live peaceful”——
“Folks can fight without talkin'.
Thar was th’ Blakes, deef an’ dumb,
both of 'em, yet they fit all th’
time.”
“Wa'al, Ben, les’ you an’ I have a
game o' checkers, an’ Uncle Si an'
Abner look on an’ stop war talk
f'r a few minnits,” suggested Jeff.
8o they got out the checker board
and started in.
“Don’t let me fergit to take home
some salt fish,” Abner reminded
Uncle Silas,
“Got nothin’ but them bricks,
three pounds f'r eighty cents"-—
“Thunderashun! Sirloin beef:
steak's cheaper'n that,” grumbled
Abper. “What makes ye charge so
much?
“War prices. High prics o’ meat
give th’ fish men a chanc’t to boost
prices"———
“This here war sorter gits on my
nerves,” confessed Abner.
“Your move,” said Ben.
““Taint either. It's your move*
insisted Jeff.
*1 tell ye it ain“t*—-
“An' I know a dum-site better®
yelled Jefl,
“Looks like they’d go over th’ top
in & minnit,” chuckled Uncle Silas.
“Say,” queried Ben, “didjer read
oout them boys goin’ cut inter no
man's land an™~——o
“That’s old,” scorned Jeff. ‘TR’
most interestin’ thing was th’ way
they’re bein’ driv back"-—-
“No, they haint”—r
“l guess I c¢'n read, you num
head. I tell ye It somethin' ain't
done mighty quick ye'll see great
reverses’————
“See yer grandmother—they've
got 'em backin’ offen th' map™——
“You know's much 'bout tactics
as & hog knows ‘bout tattin"——
It I didn't know more'n you
rq"-——
“Aw, shut up“—-
“Boys!” yelled Uncle Silas, and
when he raised his voice from his
usual mild tones every one paid at
tention.
“Let’s all make a drive inter no
man's land in th’ dack room and
lead a spirited attack on my rum
barl!™
And without a flicker the grizzled
heroes made that spirited attack
and completely surrounded a big
hooker of their enamy, Demon Rum.
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“Tad’s’’ Funny Pictures Also Appear in The Georgian.
F every girfl cannot have an
Ihonut to goodness dead lan
guage college education, at least
a great majority of them have
plain, simple business college edu
cations. That is, they are supposed
to if their diplomas which hang
above the mantlepiece in the par
lor, where their best beaux can
give it the once over, can be taken
at its face value. The only bad
part of a diploma is the date, which
usually reveals a girl’'s age and
which disappears from the wall
very soon after graduation,
Any business man who iz net
afraid of his wife and employs a
pretty stenographer will tell you
that stenographers who have made
a special study of shorthand and
typewriting are highly proficient in
calling up their nntlen}en friends,
in penning love letters, in reading
bristling, snappy stories and in
powdering their faces. Jn ' fact,
they are proficlent in everything
but in what they are pald to do.
This, of course, is only natural in
& woman. They are expected to
If you see It In
The Clarion, it may
be so.
VOL. L
LACK OF HOMES HERE MIGHT BE RELIEVED IN A FEW YEARS
BX WILLY BALTHALL.
bout the middle of Au
gust the home situation
reached an acute stage—
waiting lines in real estate
brokers' offices extended
from the desks to the stair
ways and in some cases,
out in the streets. Those in
line were served as fast as
possible, but it was evident
that other measures must
be taken to relieve the sit
uation.
Numerous ap&eals had
been made to vashington
and the extreme serious
ness of the shortage in
houses was pointed out.
The senior Senator from the
State called personally on
the President, asking that
relief measures be adopted
at once. |
The " President decided to
appoint a house administra
tor who should take charge
of'the situation. In making
the appointment the Presi
dent said: “Mdy I not be
permitted to state that in
taking this utio& no re
fjection is intend on the
real estate agents. They
have done everything Lln
their power to induce ‘)eo le
{o purchase homes while the
supply was ample and the
price attractive. They have
urged builders to erect more
dwellings. and have repeated.
Iy peointed out the seriousness
of the house problem.”
Dr. Horace Grant was ap
pointed Federal house ad
ministrator in Atlanta tak-
Ving charge at once. He es
tablished an office in the City
Hall and proceeded to take
up his duties.
His first action was to
make a survey of the house
situation—compiling a list of |
all the available supply. All
rea! estate agents were re
quired to report at once the
stock on hand. Several brok.
ers had no houses whatever,
their entire available supply
having been sold or contract
edTroz. & Calh e&ort
urman oun r -
floer & Company had four:
ompany ur;
Smith & Ewing has one, and
Stenographers
know the direct opposite to what
they are to do.
A stenographer knows how to
spell almost as well as a savage,
only she is permitted to make more
errors. Any stenographer can
misspell the same word more times
than the newspapers can print re
ports of Villa's death. As a speller
she's a distinct rarity and as un
common as the Pzanxjuipa, au ank
mal which never lived. But as far
as speed 18 oconcerned, they're
speedy enough, but not on the type
writer. On the machine they will
never be arrested for speeding. On
the contrary, they are more apt to«
be pulled in for blocking traffic.
A stenographer’s best friend is an
eraser,
A stenographer is a girl who is
well versed in geography and usu
ally places the city of Bombay in
France, Naples in Spain and Tan
glers in Nova Scotia. Some of
them heard of Sanskrit or prose,
but they are not sure whether it
was written by Elinor Glyn or Bea
trice Falrfax. The only grammar
The Capital City Clarion
ATLANTA, GA., JANUARY 27, 1918.
THE CHOPPERS
100 K OUY GOVERNOR-
A A S ; YOuU WAVE 4NG ReacH)
QAN e h
SN
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J. I. Logan had two.
It was found th;t six thou
sand new families" had moved
to Atlanta, and freight ter
minals were congested with
household goods. %
The builders were mobil
ized to_ see what could be
expected in the way of new
houses. A. H. Bailey had a
brick bungalow under - way,
but has already sold it. Mrs,
Nora G. Webb had a duplex
residence half finished and
several hundred applicants
for it. Buck Daniel said be
was expecting a carload of
lumber from South Georgia
and would be ready to start
building in about a menth.
Dillin & Morris had one bun
galow on Virginia avenue, A
wholesale lumber dealer re
ported that he had some
irees growing, which would
be available for lumber in a
few years; the outlook was
rather discourazlng.
At this stage, C. W. Mec-
Clure wrote a card t‘: ut‘?‘w
news TS e
on .fl"xfi: ltmd and
retail at cost. He called on
1A 50 GLADYou OH M HU>BAND
LD ME BLLA- HAST BEE HOME
| wEw BoTH 60 N TIME /8 WEEKRT «
nHE OFHE CFFICE WORK BAW —
) ONT SWSPET” L BET™ THENFE
My HUSBAMD OUT WITH SOME
W AL : WOMEN
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J_—— ol
wou POOR OH DAM DO
‘ MARY WORKING ComE MOME NOW
DEAR Tve COMPANY
WONT APPRETI ATE
‘ NOUR HARD WORK
l Q/m} NES DEAR
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A Journal ¢f Uplift
the Governor to commandeer
all building materials, and
put the State convicts to
work building houses. “If I
were Governor I would sell
houses for five and ten
cents,” he is quoted as say
ing. &
Applicants for houses wait
ed in a long line at Dr. Hor
ace Grant's office and pri
ority cards were issued; a
purple card was given to
those living in tents; a green
card to those whose furniture
was in the street; where not
more than ten families were
living in one house, a pink
card was Issued for these. to
be served last. Before ob
taining a pink card. the ap
x%icant must make affidavit
that not fewer than ten fam
ilies were. Uving in one
house; other applications
were not: considered.
Walter Mason was ordered
to shut down his tile plant,
S 0 as to conserve the suppiy
as much as possible.
Many of the wealthiest
families in the city were
sleeping in lmousines. A
By Tad
they know is atroctous, but some
times they are almost led to belleve
that a verb should agree with its
noun. Adjectives and interroga
tives are out of their line, although
they have the former, like “cutey”
and “honey” thrust at them all the
time, and are themselves always
asking the latter,
Most bosses do not know how or
haven’t the heart to fire their
stenographers, so they tolerate
them unt{l driven to desperation
and then, as tho easiest way out,
marry them.
© et et e ——— -e~
Two Sides of the Triangle.
THE illuminated sign of an up
town movie house last week
bore the following announcement:
“An Account of a Woman and
Fatty Arbuckle.”
014 George Kerr says it wasm"t
a married man who emitted the
groan that “Christmas comes but
once a year.,”
Edited by M. T
Noodie and his able
assistants,
public meefinf was held and
speeches [ indignation
made. One speaker brought
out the fact that bank de
posits in Atlanta = totaled
eighty million dollars, yet the
people have no place to sleep.
“What good does all our
money do us, if we have no
homes,"” said one speaker.
Charges of hoarding were
made against prominent citi
zens and threats were openly
expressed.
Mrs. lona House, the weli
known suffragette, addressed
a' meeting and counseled
moderation. She stated that
for months past real estate
agents had advertised homes
at less than value, but ne
heed has been ?a.ld to_their
offerings. People had ae
(flxired the wrong idea of
thrift and had been piling up
bank accounts instead of
buying useful things. Real
estate brokers were absolved
from blame.
It is thought that with the
extreme measures taken, the
situation will be relieved
within a few years.
Toot-Toot!
Ding-Dong!
ing-Dong!
._._’B d!
ocard,
HE U. 8. Limited 1s under way
T with Uncle Sam as presideny
general passenger agent, su
perintendent, traffic manager, tick
et agent, baggageman, engincoy
brakeman and conductor. It ough!
to be a grand trip.
We are all giaa to see the ol
man getting Into the raflroad busi
ness at last, and we hope he wil
never get out of tt. We hope that
in time, he will be the only raf)
roed owner in the United States.
And now that he I 8 running the
business, we dare speak up and
ask for what we want. Nobody s
afraid to ask favors of the old boy,
| while the fellows who used to run
the rallroads were rather unap
proachable, Did you ever ask 3
ticket agent in Kalamazoo whethey
No. 17 would get in on time?
As a representative of the Amal,
gamated Order of Patient Passen.
- gers, we hereby ask Uncle Sam to
~ make some needed !mprovements,
~ We mention only a few. There are
_several thousand others which ws
- will mention from time to time. and
if Uncle keeps busy be may bring
about an ideal state of affairs by
1932,
’ Here are our first requests:
. Teach the brakemen how ‘to
speak English, so that & man who
wants to get off at Bchoharie will
l not get off at Schenectady.
| Makg it obligatory upon the por
ter to hit the passenger at leasi
three times with the whisk broom
instead of merely waving it and
holding out the other hand. Pres
ent-day porters all think a whisk
broom is a flag.
Have the diner in the middle of
the train instead of at the tall end,
so that when a passenger is going
from Cleveland to Chicago he won't
ihuotowukbtckuhruEru
} to get his breakfast
Have all extrafare trains ten
’ hours late so the passengers can
~ collect a rebate once In a while,
~ Have some hot water in the hoi
water spigot in the sleeper wash
room. This would be an interest:
ing innovation.
Have one sleeper for the excln
sive use of persons who Imltate
the beasts of the jungle, the birds
of the air and motorcyclea in thelr
sleep.
Make it & erime punishable by
life imprisonment for a man to go
to sleep in the day coach with his
feet sticking out in the aisle
Give the passenger something
beside the table in the table d'hote.
Have the barber chairs screwed
tightly to the floor, so the shaves
can stay in it when the train lLits
a curve. This has never been done
The tickets are now too short
and too easily lost. Have the
ticket from Detroit to New York
four feet long so the passenger can
tie it around his waist, instead of
only two and & half feet long as at
present. /
Have the upper berths closer o
the ceiling, so the passenger wil!
have something to brace his knees
against s
Have ' the staterooms large
enough so the passenger will not
have to go out into the car to »n
dreds after the berth has bees
made up.
No. 36
No Accident.
F a small West Texas town, ont
In the Cap Rock country, interest
was cantered abont the registration
booth, and the atmosphere was be
coming pretty sclern and funersal
when a wellset-up young cowmex
clicked up to the officiai in charys
ind gave a well-known name.
Glibly answering the gquestici»
Jout to him, hea was met with tbe
juestion:
“Kver had any accifents?™
“Accidents? Nope”
“Never had an accident im your
liter”
“Nope. Ratfler bt ms enve.”
“Don’t you call that an accident!”
continued ths guestioner, eyeins
the essy-going young fallow severs
ly.
“Nol The darn thing DR e o
purposal™
His Place in the Draft.
Tm'E: Registration day. Place
Small town in southern [limois.
He was s gentleman of celor, aud
the registrar was having consider
able trouble explairing the whys
and wherefores of the registration.
At last Rastus showed a faint glin
mer of intalligence.
“Dis heyah registrashum v’ 4
draf” am a whole lot lke "lsction
votin’, aint 1t hs asked unoer
tainly. !
“Yeuo,” answered the kindly regis
trax.
Rastuz scratched his head in
troubled doubt. Hs was thinking
deeply. Preseamtly his brow cleared
and s smile spread over his ‘faon
He had come to s decisicn,
“Den 1 votes fer Julius Jackses
ter be drafted,” he sald *T medady
414 bab no nae 1w &at wigmeb |