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'OE BASCOMB, our church cholr
J leader, has started up his sing
ing school again. He wag both
cred by a lot of village folks who
tidn’t join, but came every session,
but he got rid of them by making
his class sing the “Star-Spangled
Banner” fifteen times. The village
folks who butted in got so tired of
standing up that they had to go
home.
ol
Deacon Tebbits, who ts eighty,
and got mad because they wouldn't
let him enltet, has formed a com
pany of old veterans and is drilling
them in hizs barn. He calls them
the Home Guard, and after they've
bad a few pitchers of the Deacon's
clder they step off mighty brisk.
Sflas Bennett, who mends auto
mobiles in his blacksmith shop,
made ten dollars easy last Thurs
day. A man had an automobile
there the maka of which he said
was Flivver, and it wouldn't go.
Ben was shoeing Jim Holt's balky
mare and she kicked the automo
bile clean through the side of the
shop. The owner gave Ben ten dol
lars because he said it was worth
it, as the horse did something to it
that made It go all right after that.
Sylvester Cummins, who was
about to take a fifth wife, has
changed his mind. He says it
isn't patriotic to indulge in non
essentials these days.
Quite a scandal is goin’ the
rounds about the Widow Chase.
She wu/ seen at church Sunday
wearing a red, white and blue rib
bon, and her husband not dead two
years yet,
“Cyrus Folsom is believed to be
corresponding with President Wil
son or some other big gun, as he's
got two letters lately from Wash
ington without any postage stamp
on them.
014 Tightwad Nelson worked all
through the last week in October
writing letters. He says he has
got a whole year's correspondence
done and this will save him from
paying three cents postage. He
figgere that the war will be over
and the postage back to two cents
within & year.
We hope Mr. Hoover doesn‘t find
out that Mr. and Mrs. Samuel Dut
ton, of Maple Ridge, had triplets
iast week.
Mrs. Hen Wlitherbee has been
making a round of calls through
the neighborhood because she was
80 sick last week she couldn’t get
to her front windows for two days
and she wants to find out what's
soing on.
Hiram Tinker, the traveling tin
smith, was last seen sailing over
Bill Perkinses barn. Bill asked Hi
to solder a little leak in the gaso
line tark on his automobile and Hi
jabbed a red hot soldering irom up
against the tank when it was half
full. Bill saved the steering wheel
and three tires.
Joe Greham, who has been
working in the city, came home last
week with a bride, his own, to vis't
his folks. He got treated quite
cool at the church social last Fri
day by our local girls. Serve you
vight, Joe, we all belleve in pat
ronising home industries
Sympsthetis,
O‘N she day atter the United Ststes
declared war Unale Ben, an old
negro, cams bright and early te do
his chores.
“Well, Mistah John,” he said, "1
hops youse gwine ter bs kind teo
pore ole Germany now.,”
“Why, Uncls Ben, what are you
talking about? Don’t you know
we're at war with Germany?”
“T knows {t; I knows it,” the old
{ellow persisted, shaking his head.
*But suttinly dat comntry’ll need &
trien’ now!"”
The Rise in Hen Fruil
TE{E rise in food prices was caus
i* ing much discussion in the piace
whers they sell refreshments,
“Yes,” seld one man, “eggs Are
four-pence each in thess parts te
day.”
“Sure, s’ *tis abominable!” sald
tie man wish the brogus. “Whoy,
over in Oireland, whers I've just
coms from, eggs ars still twinty fer
the sghillin'.”
“Hggs twenty a shilling?” crisd
the others.
“Ah! Twinty & shillln”! Bad
Juck to the day whin Of eame to
<his halfstarved counttry.”
“But if things are as cheap as
that, why did you leave Ireland?”
“Su‘;:eum Of naver couid get
the s Div"'™ _
Copyrg, 1918 by Nrwepdper Fastare Sevvicn, The, Giront Briteln righis revarmed, = S oo e san
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HE scientists who have been
T burning the midnight socony
trying to outflank the food
profiteers have flnally struck the
solution of the whoia problem.
They have, according to latest
reports, evolved the food tablet idea
to its highest form. They have in
vented a series of tablets which
take the place of food served in
various form, with such a degree of
success that people will never, even
after the war, go back to the old
tashioned knife for the conveyance
of food into the system.
Many years ago food in tablet
form was suggested, but was not
taken seriously. In fact, it wes not
taken at all. People smiled and
said: “PooH-poch! (just like that).
The pigs-knuckles and sauerkraut
will last forever.” These were the
same people who sald the bustle
would never go out of style and that
the sutomobile would not be & suoc
cess.
People should live and learn, but
very few of them really do either,
The new breakfast tablet con
tains any cereal desired, two three
minuta eggs, buttered toast, a fresh
mackarel and two cups of Java—in
HEARST’S SUNDAY AMERICAN . A Newspaper for People Who Think — SUNDAY, JANUARY 27, 1918,
Polly—Leave It to Neewah
Solving the Food Problem
fact, everything but the morning
paper and the family scrap.
The luncheon tablet is mads to
suit the taste and the man carries
it down town with him in his vest
pocket. The wife keeps them in
the sideboard drawer and when
Henry starts for the city she asks:
“What will you have for lunch,
Henry?”
HE present war is teaching
T the use of many articles
hitherto regarded as hope
lessly inefficient, The most im
portant discovery has been made
recently. It refers to that useless
bulb or globule known as the horse
chestnut.
For many centuries the scien
tists have worried over the horse
chestnut. They could never make
it it in anywhere. Nature, usually
so efficient, seemed to have been
guilty of an oversight in not pro
viding a function for this beautiful,
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Polly and Her Pals Appear in The Atlanta Georgian Every Day.
It Henry prefers Hungarian gou
:ash, she hunts through the goulash
section until she finds the desired
tab®t. It contains a clear soup,
the goulash, a head-lettuce salad,
war bread and coffee. The tablet
is about the size of a dose of asperin
and Henry does not leave his desk
when he takes his lunch, thereby
saving a great deal of time in which
War a Great Educator
but unambitious, member of the
floral tribe.
Suddenly, about three hundred
years ago, somebody discovered
that a horgechestnut carried in the
pocket would relieve rheumatism—
not cure it, understand, but relieve
#. Since that time many old gen
tlemen have carried them, and in
soms cases their rheumatism has
been relieved—but mnot by the
horsechestnuts. As a cure for
rheumatism the horsechestnut Is
about as efficlent as is a pinch of
salt thrown over the left shoulder
to earn money tg buy more tablets.
When he has a customer from out
of town he hands the customer a
tablet and chirps:
“Now, as you were saying about
those éoubloeply automobile cov
ers——"
The dinner tablet is slightly
larger than the luncheon or break
fast tablet, being sometimes the
as a preventive of family rows
at the breakfast table. So they
gave the horsechestnut up as a bad
job, It was about as necessary in
the cosmie programme as a lounge
lizard with sea-lion hair.
But old Mother Nature, it seems,
knew what she was doing, after
all, and it took the great war to
bring out the fact that the horse
chestnut has a mission. In England
they are using it in the manufact
ure of explosives, It contains in
gredients. Hitherto it has con
tained nothing but dizappointment,
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By Roy K. Moulton
size of a vest button, the size de
pending altogether upon the num
ber of courses.
The smallest tablet of all 18 the
banquet tablet, which are to be
passed out at assoclation dinners
and the like. People have grown
accustomed to eating almost noth
ing at these functions. People, un
less they are very foolish or unso-
Everybody in England not other
wise engeged is harvesting horse
chestnuts, and they are being
ground up in great quantities. It
i 8 not known what part of the ex
plosion is furnished by the horse
chestnut, the puff or the bang, but
#t furnishes something important,
Now that a use has been found
for the horsechestnut nearly every
thing in the world is being utilized.
The time may even come when
sclence will discover a use for car
rots and parsnips,
It is indeed & great age
phisticated, never go to banquets.
The tablet, about the gize of a pin
head, is quickly taken and does not
interfere with the speakers or im
pede the passage of luminous con
versation to the open alir.
It is figured by the scientist that
a person going to Kurope will be
able to carry enough food in an
ordinary $2.76 suitcase to feed
Montenegro and BBerbia for six
months.
Another great advantage will be
found in the possibillty of hoard
ing a Winter's supply of food with
out attracting the attention of Mr.
Hoover. It will never be necessary
to use the cumbersome and con
spicuous grain elevators for this
purpose,
A man can tanke a square mes!
clandestinely while in the subway
or the theatre without being called
e slacker.
Sclentists are playing an import
ant part in the present trend of the
cosmie urge, and this {s their
crowning achlievement. The only
drawback which they will have te
overcome s the fact that the tab
lets at present cost sll9 each to
manufacture—a mere detall
.
-
Heard About:
-
Town
A Base Order. o
flwm'r'u, yuh have?’ sald the
new walitress as she meditay
tively rubbed her face with on¢
hand and scratched her head with
the other,
“I'll have two hard bolled eggs, &
banana and a cocoanut,” sald Mn
Wise, with a sigh.
Ak ki
e Proved It
A WOMAN owning a house iy
Philadelphia before which &
gang of workmen were engaged in
making street repairs was much in
terested In the work,
“And which 18 the foreman?” she
anked of a conspicuous Celt.
A proud smile came to his face as
he answered:
“Of am, mum,” E
“Really 7” continued the lady,
“Of kin prove it, mum,” was the
rejoinder. Then, turning to a la
borer nearby, he added, ‘Kelly,
yeo're fired!"”
—
_ Beein’ Is Bellevin®,
PAT O'FLAHERTY, very pak
pably not a Prohibitionist, was
arrested In Arizona recently
charged with selling liquor in vio
lation of the prohibition law. But
Pat had an impregnable defense.
His counsel, in addressing the jury,
sald:
“Your Honor, gentlemen of the
Jury, look at the defendant.”
A dramatic pause, then:
“Now, gentlemen of the jury, do
you honestly think that if the de
fendant had a quart of whiskey he
would sell 1t?”
The verdict, reached in one min
ute, was “Not gullty.”
The Other One.
(4HAUNCEY naid that 1 was tha §
only girl he had ever loved”
“Doeen't he say it bheaytifully, *
dear?”
| Sk :
His Allegianoy. :
TWO colored men lived in & pre
cinct at Bvangville during a cam
paign in which a certain politician
ran for Mayor. #
“Who 1s you fo’, anyhow?" asked
one of them one morning when he
met the other. “How’s you gein’ to |
vote In de election?”
“Why, I's fo' Bmith; that's who
I's fo'—and you a’ready knowed it.
Why you ax me dat?” .
“Yes, 1 know who you's fo', all
right. You's fo' Bale; dat's who.
you's fo'"
Easy. v
AB most “fans” know, when 0;Q,,,;
ball players are South in trlir;-"‘;
Ing season, the veterans do not take
many chances with their pitching
arms, but let the rookies instead
use up their energy.
One day, some years ago, when
the Chicago White SBox were play- _
ing an exhibition game, Nick
Altrock was lobblng them over and
letting the Memphis battera hit at
will, to the great delight of the
'spectators.
“Oh, Nick, you're easy, oasy,
easy!” shrieked one wild fan, who
was getting on Nick's nerves,
“I'm not half a 8 easy as you are,”
retorted Altrock. “You pald fifty
cents to see me do 1t."”
*"" Don't Blame Him, "
'C‘T!m papers say the Germans
are importing great quant:!
ties of gnow shovels.” *
“That 1s probably because the
Kaiser does not like the drift of the
WLt/ . T
|0 A
~ Village
‘ One of our restaurants advertises
@ genuine Hawalian chorus. This
1s the first time we ever knew
Hawail was on the East Side. z
| Ome of cur wellknows motion
ploture actresses is in a bad way.
Her salary has been cut down to
$1,200 a week during the war. But, .
as the old saying goes, the poor we
have always with us. . .
, A'ship arrived yesterday at a cer- .
tain American port (name deleted '
by censor) from a certaln European
port (name deleted by censer) and \3
as the steamer passed the Ststue |
of Liberty the passengers cheered.
They said they had had no mhhzg
| Bince leaving Queenstowm, ; =%