Newspaper Page Text
The Busi
e Business Career of
©
Peter Squint
By C. B. Quincy
ONFIDENCE,” says the Manual of Business Bfficlency, *is the
“ greatest secret of succees. When you try to sell a man
anyvthing, approach him confident that you will make a sale,
The same rule applies when you go after a job.
Hitherto the only job I had landed was handed out to me because
the boss had known my uncle, which is no business reason at all, and a
thing severely condemned by the manual. Nevertheless, it had helped
me 10 feel more confident. The rest of this afternoon I spent practising
additional confidence. | repeated over and over again to myself the
maxims which the Manual says have an unfailing result
I MUST SUCCEED
1 CAN DELIVER THE GOODS il
\ I AM UTTERLY CONFIDENT
THE JOB I 8 MINE
Next morning [ decided to get a job with Joshua Beezer, Inc., so !
went around to the Beezer Building bright and early.
Going up in the elevator the man called out: “Floor, please?’ 1 was
s 0 abgorbed in becoming confident that | answered: “I can deliver the
goods.”
‘Take the freight elevator,” the operator responded.
“] must succeed.” | muttered
“Wha-a-at? What d'ye want?’ the man hollered.
“1 want Joshua Beezer, Inc.”
| noticed the fellow looked at me strangely, but he stopped the ca:
before a door on which was lettered JOSHUA BEEZER. INC.
As | opened the door | kept murmuring to myself “I am utterly con
fident 1 am utterly confident™-——
A red-haired boy came to the gate.
‘Whadya want?’ he asked. “We didn’'t call no messenger.”
“The job is mine,” | had kept repeating mechanically.
“No job is yours, nix, notatall,” said the red-haired boy. “I just told
ya we didn't call no messenger.”’
“Mesgsenger!” Wase 1, with my heart full of confidence and my feet
now--practically--on the first round of success's ladder, to be treated as
& wandering messenger boy! Not so. My blood boiled, but I managed
.o say politely-—the Manual enjoins unvarying politeness——“l should like
to see Mr. Joshua Beezer, please.”
“Abh," sald the red-haired boy, “you wanta see Mr. Joshua Beezer,
eh? Won't one of the ‘lne’s’ be all right?”’
“No,” | answered, forgetting momentarily the precepts of the Manual.
“No, you red-haired young ghrimp, one of the ‘lnc’s’ won't do. I want to
#ee Mr. Joshua Beezer personally.”
“Well, in that case,” retorted the boy, “you'll have to run out to Even
hope Cemelery, for the Beerers’ have been dead over ten years.”
A couple of the stenographers tittered.
“And I ain't no red-haired shrimp neither”
] was so mad 1 forgot all about the Marnual
“You are, 100, I yelled.
“l ain't, nefther.”
| slapped his face. \
We fell over the rall, knocked over a desk, and had all the girls
wereaming as we wrestled around. But before much damage could be
done the door opened and in came the elevator man wigh a special
bificer. 1 &
“There, | knowed it,” saild the elevator man. ‘I knowed this fellow
was an anarchist or spy or sumpin. Tells me he's goin’ to deliver the
goods and looks loony as he says he must succeed. And here he's been
nabbed by this here hero.”
The special officer had me by the collar and he, too, addressed the
red-haired kid. “You done noble,” he sgald. “Twouldn't surprise me none
if you getg a reward for baffling this desprit villain.”
‘Oh, 'tain’t nothin'," answered the red-haired boy. “I knowed from
readin’ Chapter IX, of the Manual of Detective Deduction that he was &
dangerous character soon as he opened his trap.”
S 0 he studied a manual, also,
- - . \
There wasn't much more to tell. The judge let me go right away,
because he knaw my uncle!
, That doesn't seem llke justice to me, but 1 didn't stop to argur
L about it. |
5 Rut if I ever meet that red-haired detective kid! : }
it .
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From Here and There
i
[ . Not Useless.
“FATHER"' sald an inquiring youth, “when a hen sits on an egg so
} thre'e weeks and it don’t hatch, is the egg spoiled?”
L “As an article of diet, my gon, it {8 henceforth a failure, but for politi
i cal purposes it has its uses.”
E Unkind.
‘I'HEY were newly wed, and were showing their friends over (heir little
L‘ " home. Bach room in turn was inspected. Last on the list came the
kitehen. The little wite waxed eloquent.
~ “You see,” she said, “that is where 1 do all my cooking. And this is
the very basin in which | mix my cakes.”
. “And this,” cried the young man, Indicating the oven with a sweep
Ed bhis arm, “is the brickkiln!" "
Ea o True to Form.
~*THE average man treats spiritualism as a joke. The story is told of &
% widow who tried to get in touch with her deceased husband.
. The medium, after a good deal of futile work, said to the widow:
_ “The conditions this evening seem unfavorable. 1 can't seem to establish
' communication with Mr. Smith, ma'am.”
1 *Well, I'm not surprised.” sald the widow, with a glance at the clock.
"Pofly half-past eight now, and Johm never did show up till about 3
am .
A Little Hard of Hearing.
fTWO ladies, one of whom was very deaf, were walking by the rallway.
- # Suddenly an express train rushed by, and 2s it passed the engine gave
A shriek that seemed to rend the sky. The lady's ears were nearly spl(t.
' but the deaf one turned to her suffering friend and said, with a luw
smile: ; e
. “That's the first robin I've heard this Spring.” ;fi
SR oxe ' Couldn't Understand It. :
(%U.L,"-sud the beavy tragedian of a travelling theatrical company,
- while peering through the curtain, “the house is just about empty.”
“Can't understand that,” reflected the comedian. “We've never been
here before, have we?’ ‘
Took It For a Sign.
TMERE is a fine new buiiding of white marble and Greek architecture
in a Western city. On the cornerstone is engraved the date of the
building’s erection. It was begun in 1909, but, following the usual custom,
~ the date is in Roman capitals, thus: MCMIX.
' The other dgy one citizen approached another and asked him if he
had seen their commaon friend Danny that day.
‘ “T sure did,” replied the second man. “A few minutes ago I seen him
~ standing in front of McMixr's new building over there on the corner.”
& . i a
; A True Bill
7 ‘JUDGMWM is the verdict of the jury? &
L Foreman—Your Honor, the jury are all of one mind-temporarily
ne. \
HEARST’S SUNDAY AMERICAN — A Newspaper tur People Who Think — SUNDAY, JANUARY 27, 1918.
Those Tired Business Men By Tad
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The Podunk Philosophers
on War
‘¢ EST fer a guess,” began Ben
Pheips, making his cow-
J bides sizzle against the
stove in Uncle Silas Wiggin's Gen
eral Store at Podunk Village, “how
much longer do ye think this
here"— -
“War will last?” finished Jest
Weeks with a snort. “Therd,” he
added, turning to Abner Heath,
“didn’t I tell ye Ben wouldn't mor'n
git sot before he started off on this
here war takk?>”
“What of it, hey ?” demanded Ben,
glaring at the others. “I guess
there's two or three others in this
here world a talkin’ on the same
subjec’ right this minnit.”
“Goshamitey, ain't there enough
other things to talk about?” de
manded Jeff.
“What, f'instance?’ Uncle Silas
adkéd pleasantly, as he closed his
ledger, came out from behind the
counter and joined the trio.
“Oh, business, or crops, or ships,
or wimmin, or pork an’ beans, or a
thousand other things"——-
“They all lead right smack up to
war,” insisted Ben. “Business is all
shifted 'round on account of th’
war. We can't mention crops with
out tellin’ 'bout not enough cars to
move 'em, or th' seventy milllon
bushels of wheat we gotter go short
on to feed th' allles an’ nootruls.
And as fer ships—all we read about
is buildin’ 'em, or sinkin’ 'em, or
blowin’ 'em up, or workers strikin’
on ‘em"-——- -
“But th’ wimmin"-——
“Ye say ‘wimmin,” lntorrup‘od
Uncle Silas, pleasantly, “an’ ye )u?’
ter mention knittin’, or Red Cross,
or mothers an' wives, or would~bg:
wives th' boys has left behind.” i
“Wa'al, pork an' beans, thal?",_
demanded Jeff. A
, 1 feed my men on pork an’'
beans,” sung Abner Heath, from
that classic concerning one Captain
Jenks and his “Hoss Marines,”
whereupon they all laughed.
“Jest th' same, we'll all be glad
when there ain’t no war'——
“We'll all be dead when there
aln't no war,” declared Ben.
“Ye's a downright pessermist,
Ben,” growled Abner. “This here
war won't last more'n a couple of
yoars”-—-
~ “Thar always has been war, an'
fur's | g'n see, thar always will
be =
“Oh, no, Ben—not always,™ tater
rupted Jeff.
“Ben's right,” said Uncle Silas,
“thar's been war of some kind right
from th’' start, right from th' time
Adam an' Eve an' th' sarpint dis
agreed over th' apple. Read hist'ry
~=it’s all war. Th’' Old Testament's
chuek full ot armies and battles,
four hundred thousand, an’ when
Joshua was first capturin’' this same
Jerusalam th' British took a while
ago, twentyfive thousand waa killed
in one day"— -
“Aw, he dldn't fight fair He
wan't satisfied to knock off fightin’
at sundown an' call it a day-—no
siree.” declared Jeff. “He made
th’ sun stand still an’ kept right on.”
“But that's what 1 said—a war I:
armies’-——
‘“No, Ben, not. always. Thar:
labor wars, an’ business wars, an
matrimonial wars, an' a milllor
other kinds. 1 tell ye th’ old world’s
full of strife an’ war, an’ if thers
ain't no armies a fightin’, then th
people are fightin® some othe:
way' ——
Uncle Silas paused to fill his pipe
“Should think you'd get allfired
sick of so much war talk, Uncle
Si,”" said Jeff.
“Why don't ye git one o' them
cards | see in th' city which says
‘No War Talk Here'?" queried Ben.
“Let 'em talk it here, but I wish
1 had one to put in ev'ry home.
Make folks cut out their war talk
an’ live peaceful”—-
“Folks can fight without talkin'.
Thar was th’ Blakes, deef an' dumb,
both of 'em, yet they fit all th’
time.”
“Wa'al, Ben, les! you an’ I have a
game o' checkers, an’ Uncle Si an’
Abner look on an’ stop war talk
f'r a few minnits,” suggested Jeff
So they got out the checker board
and started in.
“Don’t let me fergit to take home
some salt fish,” Abmner reminded
Uncle Silas,
“Got nothin" but them bricks,
three pounds. f'r eighty cents"——
“Thunderashun! Sirloin beef
steak's cheaper'n that,” grumbled
Abner. “What makes ye charge so
much?”’
“War prices. High price o' meat
-give th’ fish men a chanc’t to boost
Rrices’—
" “This here war sorter gits on my
nerves,” confessed Abner.
" "“Your move,” said Ben.
‘““Taint either. It's your move”
tnsisted Jeff.
“T tell ye it ain’t”"——
“An’ 1 know a dum-site better,*
velled Jefr
“Looks like they’d go over th' top
in a minnit,” chuckled Uncle Silas.
“Say,” queried Ben, ‘‘didjer read
oout them boys goin’ cut Inter no
man’s land an”——
_““That's old,” scorned Jeff. ““Th’
most interestin’ thing was th’ way
they're bein' driv back”-——
“No, they hain't”——
“l guess 1 ¢'n read, you num
head. I tell ye if somethin’ ain't
done mighty quick ye'll see great
reverses”——
“See yer grandmother--they've,
got 'em backin' offen th' map"—-—
“You know's much 'bout tactics
as a hog knows ’'bout tattin"——
“I¢ 1 didn't know moren you
ra"——
“Aw, shut up"—
“Boys!” yvelted Uncle Silas, and
when he raised his voice from his
usual mfld tones every one paid at
tention. )
“Lete all make a drive inter no
man’'s land in th' back roem and
lead a spirited attack on my rum
bar'l!” .
And without a flicker the grizzled
heroes made that spirited attack
and completely surrounded a big
hooker of their enemy, Demon Rum.
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“'Tad’s’’ Funny Pictures Also Appear in The Georgian.
F every girl cannot have an
Ihonelt to goodness dead lan
guage college education, at least
a great majority of them have
plain, simple business college edu
cations. That is, they are supposed
to if their diplomas which hang
above the mantlepiece in the par
lor, where their best beaux can
give {t the once over, can be taken
at its face value. The only bad
part of a diploma is the date, which
usually reveals a girl's age and
which disappears from the wall
very soon after graduation.
Any business man who is not
afraid of his wife and employs a
pretty stenographer will tell you
that stenographers who have made
a special study of shorthand and
typewriting are highly proficient in
calling up their gentlemen friends,
in penning love letters, in reading
bristling, snappy stories and in
powdering their faces. In fact,
they are proficlent in everything
.but in what they are paid to do.
This, of course, is only natural in
s woman. They are expected to
If you see it In
The Clarion, it may
be so.
VOL. 1.
LACK OF HOMES HERE MIGHT BE RELIEVED IN A FEW YEARS
B.X WILLY BALTHALL.
bout the middle of Au
gust -the home situation
reached an acute stage—
walting lines in real estate
brokers’ offices extended
from the desks to the stair
ways and in some cases,
out in the streets. Those in
line were served as fast as
possible, but it was evident
that other measures must
be taken to relieve the sit
uation.
Numerous ap&;a‘.s ‘had
been made to ashington
and the extreme serious
ness of the shortage in
houses was pointed out.
The senior Senator from the
State called personally on
the President, asking that
relief measures be adopted
at once.
The President decided to
appoint a house administra
tor who should take charge
of the situation. In making
the appointment the Presi
dent said: “May I not be
permitted to state that in
taking this action, no re
tlection is intended on the
real estate agents. ‘They
have done everything in
their power to induce people
to purchase homes while the
supply was ample and the
price attractive. They have
urged builders to erect more
dwellings, and have repeated.
Iy pointed out the seriousness
of the house problem.”
Dr. Horace Grant was ap
pointed Federal. house ad
ministrator in Atlanta. tak
ing charge at once. He es
tablished an office in the City
Hall and proceeded to take
up his duties.
His first action was to
make a survey of the house
sityation—compiling a list of
all the available suppiy. All
real estate agents were re
quired to report at once the
stock on hand. Several brok
ers had no houses whatever,
their entire available supply
having been sold or contract
ed for.
Turman & Calhoun report. .
o 4 six houses in stock. M. .
Kiser & Company had four:i
Smith & Ewing has one, and
Stenographers
know the direct opposite to what
they are to do.
A stenographer knows how to
spell almost as well as a savage,
only she is permitted to make more
errors. Any stenographer can
misspell the same word more times
than the newspapers can print re
ports of Villa's death. As a speller
she's a distinct rarity and as un
common as the Pzanxjuipa, an ani
mal which never lived. But as far
as speed is concerned, they're
speedy enough, but not on the type
writer. On the machine they will
never be arrested for speeding. On
the contrary, they are more apt to
be pulled in for blocking traffic.
A stenographer’s best friend is an
eraser.
A stenographer is a girl who is
well versed in geography and usu
ally places the city of Bombay in
France, Naples in Spain and Tan
glers in XNova Scotia. Some of
them heard of Sanskrit or prose,
but they are not sure whether it
was written by Elinor Glyn or Bea
trice Fairfax. The only grammar
The Capital City Clarion
ATLANTA, GA,, JANUARY 27, 1918
—— e — s
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J. L. Logan had two.
. It was found that six thou
sand new families had moved
to Atlanta, and freight ter
minals were congested with
household goods.
The builkders were mobil
ized to see what could be
expected in the way of new
houses. A. H. Bailey had a
brick bungalow under way,
but has already sold it. Mrs.
Nora G. Webb had a duplex
residence half finilshed and
several hundred applicants
for it. Buck Daniel said he
was expecting a carload of
lumber from South Georgia
and would be ready to start
building in about a month.
Dillin & Morris had one bun
galow on Virginia avenue. A
wholesale lumber dealer re
ported that he had some
trees growing, which would
be avatlable for lumber in a
few years: the outlook was
rather discouraging.
At this stage, C. W. Mec-
Clure wrote a card to the
newspapers offerln% to - take
on all the stoek on hand and
retail at cost. He called on
w\soc-uoww\ t oH MV w:»s:::s
TOLD ME ELLA- HASAT BEEM
WELL BoTH 60 \A ONTIME /0 WEEKS -
PME OFAE - ) CFFICE WORIK BAW —
1 OWT SUPET (] LU BET™ THENFE
MY HUSBAND \ OUT WITH SOME X
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A Journal of Uplift
THE CHOPPERS
the Governor to commandeer
all building materials, and
put the State convicts to
work building homses. “If I
were Governor I would sel!
houses for five and ten
cents,” he is quoted as say
ing.
Applicants for houses wait
ed in a long line at Dr. Hor
ace Grant's office and pri
ority cards were issued; a
purple card was given to
those living in tents; a green
card to those whose furniture
was in the street; where not
more than ten families were
living in one house, a pink
card was issued for these, to
be served last. Before ob
taining a pink card, the ap
plicant must make affidavit
that not fewer than ten fam
ilies were living in one
house: other ~ applications
were not considered.
Walter Mason was ordered
to shut down his tile plant,
80 as to conserve the supply
as much as possible.
‘Many of the wealthiest
families in the city were
sleeping in limousines. A
they know is atrocious, but some
times they are almost led to believe
that a verb should agree with its
noun. Adjectives and . interroga
tives are out of their line, although
they have the former, like “cutey”
and “honey” thrust at them all the
time, and are themselves always
asking the latter. ;
Most bosses do not know how or
haven't the heart to fire their
stenographers, so they tolerate
them until driven to desperation
and then, as the easiest way out,
marry them.
Two Sides of the Triangle.
THE illuminated sign of an up
town movie house last week
bore the following announcement:
“An Account' of .a Woman and
Fatty Arbuckle.”
——o (] sl i
Old George Kerr says it wasn't
a married man who emitted the
groan that “Christmas comes but
once a year.” ¢
Edited by M. T
Noodie ahd his able
assistants, 28
public meeting was held and
speeches O indignation
made. Ome speaker brd'u%htv
out the fact that bank de
posits in Atlanta totaled
eighty million dollars, yet the’
people have no place to sieeg,fl
“What good does all our
money do us, if we*have no
homes,” said one speaker. <~
Charges of hoarding were
made against prominent itk
zens and threats were opeey
expressed. sl R o
Mrs. Tona Housél», the well+
known suffragette) Gddrésseq”
a meeting - and -counseled
moderation. She stated that
for months -past -real estate
agents had advertised hiomes
at less than value, but no
heed has been paid to their
offerings. People had ac
quired the wrong idea of
thrift and had been piling up
bank accounts insteag of
buying useful things. Real®
estate brokers werg absolved
from blame. : X
It is thought that with the
extreme measures taken, the"
situation will be relieved
within a {ew years,
Toot-Toot!
Ding-Dong!
lng' ongo
—Board
—'Board!
HE U. S. Limited Is under way
T with Uncle Sam as president,
general phssenger agent, sn
perintendent, traffic manager, tick
et agent, baggageman, engineer,
brakeman and conductor. It ought
to ba a grand trip.
We are all giaa to see the old
man getting into the railroad bus!-
' ness at last, and we hope he will
never get out of it. We hope that,
in time, he will be the only rail
road owner in the United States.
And now that he is running the
busfness, we dare speak up and
ask for what we want. Nobody is
afraid to ask favors of the old boy,
while the fellows who used to run
the rallroads were rather unap
| proachable, Did you ever ask’ a
ticket agent in Kalamazoo whether
’ No. 17 would get in on time?
As a representative of the Amal
gamated Order of Patient Passen
gers, we héreby ask Uncle Sam to
make some needed improvements,
We mention only a few. There are
several thousand others which we
will mention from time to time, and
if Uncle keeps busy he may bring
about an ideal state of affairs by
1932.
Here are our first requests:
Teach the brakemen how :to
speak English, so that @ man who
wants to get off at Schoharie will
not get off at Schenectady.
Make it obligatory upon the por
ter to hit the passenger at least
three times with the whisk broom
instead of merely wayving it and
holding out the other hand. Pres
ent-day porters all think a whisk:
broom is a flag.
Have- the diner in the middle of
the train instead of at the tail end,
so- that when a passenger is going
from Cleveland to Chicago he won't
have to walk back as taz\u Erie
to get his breakfast,
Have all extrafare trains ten
hours late so the passengers can
collect a rebate once in a while.
Have some hot water in the hot
water spigot in the sleeper wash
room. This would be an interest
ing innovation.
Have one sleeper for the exclu
sive use of persons who limitate
the beasts of the jungle, the birds
of the air and motorcycles in their
sleep. %
Make it a crime punishable by
life imprisonment for a man to go
to sleep in the day coach with his
feet sticking out in the alsle.
Give thei‘paasenger‘ gomething
beside the table in the table dhote.
Have the: barber chairs screwed
tightly to the fléof, so the shavee
.can stay in it whén..the train hits
’nfl{curve. This has never been done.
.~The. tickets are now teo short
‘and ‘too easily lost.. Have the
ticket from Détrolt to New York
tour feet long so/the passenger can
“tie it around ‘His ‘walst, instead of
only two and a half feet long as at
present. al
" Have the upper berths closer to
the ceiling, so the passenger will
have something to brace his knees
-against.
“'Have the staterooms large
enough so the passenger will not
have to go out into the car to un
dress after the berth has been
made up.
S No Accident.
P‘»; small West Texas town, out
o flis Cap Rock country, interest
was centered abont the wegistration
‘comijig pretty salemm snd funereal
when - a wellset-np young cowman
¢élick®#d wp to the official in charge
and gave a wellknown name. o
*~ Glibly answering she questions
plit to him,.hs was met with the.
question: g’
" “Bveér'tad any accidents?”
“Accidents? Nope”
“Never had an accident in your
e - 2
“Nope: Rattler Lt me anve.”
“Don’t you call that an accident?”
| cantinued the questioner, eyeing
’ the ‘easy-going young fellow severe-
X -
“No!"" The darn thing bit me on
purpose ™
His Place in the Draft.
TrME: Registration day. Place:
Small town in southern Ilimois.
| He was & gentleman of color, and
‘the registrar was having consider
wble troblé explaining the whys
and wherefores of the registration.
At last Rastns showed a faint glim
me¥ of intelligence.
-“Dis heyah registrashum fo' de
draf’ am @ whole lot like “lection
votin’, aid’t it? he asked uncer
" “Yes angwereq the kindly regis-
F,?{.? gt
: :Rastuz -acratched hiz head in
troubied doubt. Ha was thinking
‘deeply, Presently his brow clearsd -
‘and & smile spread. over his face.
‘He had come to a decision,
- "Den Y votes fer Julius Jackson
ter be drafted,” he said. “I nebak
did hab no use fo’ dat niggah.”
No. 36