Newspaper Page Text
The Busi
e Business Career of
Peter Squint
: eter Squin
By C. B. Quincy
ONFIDENCE,” says the Manual of Business Efficlency, *ls the
“ greatest secret of guccess, When you try to sell a man
anything, approach him confident that you will make a sale.
The same rule applies when you go after a job.
Hitherto the only job'l had landed was handed out to me because
the boss had known my uncle, which 18 no bueiness reason at all, and a
thing severely condemned by the manual. Nevertheless, it had helped
me to feel more confident. The rest of this afternoon I spent practising
additional confidence. I repeated over and over again to myself ihe
maxims which the Manual says have an unfalling result:
I MUBT SUCCEED
I CAN DELIVER THE GOODS.
I AB'( UTTHERLY CONFIDENT.
' THE JOB IS MINE,
Next momning I decided to get a job with Joshua Beeger, Inc., so !
went around to the Beezer Buflding bright and early.
Golng up in the elevator the man called out: “Floor, please? 1 was
#o absorbed in becoming confident that I snswered: “I can deliver the
goods.”
“Take the freight elevator,” the operator responded.
“l must succeed,” 1 muttered.
“Wha-a-at? What 4’ve want?” the man hollered.
“l 1 want Joshua Beezer, Inc.” /
I noticed the fellow looked at me strangely, but he stopped the ca:
bgfore a door on which was lettered JOSHUA BEEZER. INC.
"As I opened the door 1 kept murmuring to myself “I am utterly con:
fident—l am utteriy confident™—-
A red-haired boy came to the gate,
“Whadya want? he asked. “We didn't call no messenger.”
“The job is mine,” T had kept repeating mechanically.
“No job is yours, nix, notatall,” said the red-haired boy. *“I just told
ya we didn’t call no messenger.”
“Messenger!” Was 1, with my heart full of confidence and my feet
now-—practically--en the first round of success's ladder, to be treated as
a wandering messenger boy! Not so. My blood bolled, but 1 managed
to say politely--the Manual enjoins unvarying politeness—*l should ke
to pee Mr. Joshua Beezer, please.”
“Ah,” sald the red-haired boy, “you wanta see Mr. Joshua Beezer,
eh? Won't one of the ‘lnc's’ be all right?”” |
*No,” 1 answered, forgetting momentarily the precepts of the Manual.
*“No, you red-haired young shrimp, one of the ‘lnc’s’ won't do. I want to
806 Mr. Joshua Beezer personally.”
“Well, in that case,” retorted the boy, “you’'ll have to run out to Even
hope Cemetery, for the Beezers' have been dead over ten years”™
A couple of the stenographers tittered.
' “And I ain't no red-haired shrimp nelther”
I was so mad I forgot all about the Manual .
*You are, too,” 1 yelled.
I ain't, nefther.”
. I slapped his face.
" We fell over the rall, knocked over a desk, and had al the giris
soreaming as we wrestled around. But before much damage could be
done the door opened and ln.ano the elevator man with a special
officer.
" “Ihere, I knowed 1" sald the elevator man. “I knowed this fellow
was an anarchist or gpy or sumpin. Tells me he's goln’' to deliver the
goods and looks loony as he says he must sucoeed. And here he’s been
« nabbed by this here hero.”
. The spectal officer had me by the collar and he, too, addressed the
red-baired kid. “You done noble,” he sald, “T'wouldn’t surprise me none
if you gets a reward for baffling this desprit villain.”
“Oh, ’'tain*t nothin',” answered the red-haired boy. “I knowed from
* readin’ Chapter IX. of the Manual of Detective Deduction that he was &
dangerous character soon as he opened his trap.”
So he studied a manual, also,
€A - - .
' There wasw't much more to tell. ‘The Judge let me go right away,
because he knew my uncle! |
" That doesn't seem like,justice to me, but I didn’t stop to argaf
about 1t
~ But If I ever meet that red-haired detective kid!
There
From Here and There
s Not Useless, : i
uFA'I‘HER." sald an inguiring youth, “when a hen sits on an egg foi |
three weeks and it don't hatoh, is the egg spoiled?”
“As an article of diet, my son, it {s henceforth a failure, but for politk ‘
cal purposes it has its uses.” |
Unkind.
THEY were newly wed, and were showing their friends over their little
home. Fach room in turn was inspected. Last on the list came the |
kitchen. The little wife waxed eloquent. \
“You see,” ghe said, “that is where Ido ail my cooking. And this fe i
the very basin in which I mix my cakes.” . |
“And this,” cried the young man, indlcating the oven with a sweep
of'his arm, “is the brickdiin!" -
: True to Form,
THE average mmn treats spiritualism as a joke. The story is told of &'
widow who tried to get in touch with her deceased husband.
The medtum, after a good deal of futile work, said to the widow:
“The conditions this evening seem unfavorable, I can’t seem to establish
communication with Mr. Smith, ma'am."
. “Well, I'm not surprised,” said the widow, with a glance at the clock.
“It%s only half-past eight now, and John never did show up t/M about 3
a m”
A Little Hard of Hearing.
TWO ladies, one of whom was very deaf, were walking by thé railway.
* Suddenly an express train rushed by, and as it passed the engine gave
a ghriek that seemed to rend the sky. The lady's ears were nearly split,
but the deaf cne turned to her suffering friend and said, with a happy
smile:
“That's the firet robin I've heard this Spring.” s
Couldn't Understand It.
“Bth." said the heavy tragedian of a travelling theatrical company,
while peering through the curtain, “the house is just about empty.”
. "Can't understand that,” reflected the comedian. “We've never been
here before, have we?" ¢
: Took It For a Sign. ‘
"OHERE is a fine new building of white marble and Greek architecture
““'ln a Western city. * On the cornerstone is engraved the date of the
building's erection. It was begun in 1809, but, tollowing the usual custom,
. the date is in Roman capitals, thus: MCMIX.
" "The ‘other day one citizen approached another and asked him {f he
had seen their common friend Danny that day.
“l suré did,” replied the second man. “A few minutes ago I seen him
m in front of McMix’s new buflding over there on the corner.”
A True Bill.
UDGE--What is the verdict of the jury? 4
Foreman—Your Honor, the jury are all of one mind—temporarily
HEARST'S SUNDAY AMERICAN - A Newspaper tor People Who Think — SUNDAY, JANUARY 27, 1918.
Those Tired Business Men By Tad
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The Podunk Philosophers
on War '
6 ¢ EST fer a guess,” began Ben
Phelps, making his cow-
J lides sizzle against the
stove In Uncle Silas Wiggin's Gen:
eral Store at Podunk Village, “how
much Jlonger do ye think this
here'-—.
“War will last?" finlghed Jeff
Weeks with a sport. “There” he
added, turning to Abner leath,
“didn’t I tell ye Ben wouldn't mor'n
" git sot before he started off on this
here war talk?"
“What of it, hey 7 demanded Ben,
glaring at the others. “I guess
there's two or three others in this
here world a talkin’' on the same
subjec’ right this minnit.”
“Goshamitey, ain't there enough
other things to talk a,bont.’" de
manded Jeff,
“What, f'instance? Uncle Silas
asked pleasantly, as he closed his
ledger, came out from behind the
counter and joined the trio.
“Ob, business, or crops, or ships,
or wimmin, or pork an’ beans, or a
thousand other things"——
“They all lead right smack up to
war,” insisted Ben. “Business 1s all
shifted ‘round on account of th’
war. We can't xrention crops with
out tellin’ 'bout not enough cars o
moye 'em, or th' seventy million
bushels of wheat we gotter go short
on to feed th' allies an’ nootruls.
And as fer ships—all we read about
is buildin’ 'em, or sinkin' 'em, or
blowin’' 'em up, or workers strikin’
on ‘em"——
*“But th* wimmin"—
“Ye say ‘wimmin,” Interrupted
Uncle Silas, pleasantly, “an’ ye haf
ter mention knittin', or Red Cross,
or mothers an' wives, or would-be
wives th’ boys has left behin® ”
“Wa’al, pork an’ beans, then?
demanded Jeff.
“I feed my men on pork an’
beans,® sung Abner Heath, from
that classic concerning one Captain
Jenks and his “Hoss Marines,”
whereupon they all laughed.
“Jest th’' same, we'll all be glad
when there ain’t no war'—-
‘“We'Tl all be dead when there
ain’t no war,” declared Ben.
“Ye'ss a downright pessermist,
Bén,” growled Abner. “This here
war won't last more'n a couple of
years"——
“Thar always has been war, an’
fur’s I ¢n see, thar always will
*“Oh, no, Ben—not always,” inter
rupted Jeff.
“Ben's right,” sald Uncle Silas,
“thar’s been war of séme kind right
from th' start, right from th* time
Adam an' Eve an’ th' sarpint dis
~agreed over th' apple. Read hist'ry
—-{t's all war. Th' Old Testament’s
chuck full ot armies and battles,
four hundred thousand, an' when
' Joshua was first capturin’ this same
Jerusalem th' British took a while
ago, twenty-five thousand was killed
in one day"'-——
“Aw, he didn't fight fair. He
wan’'t satisfled to knock off fightin’
at sundown an’ <call it a day--no
sir-ee,” declared Jeff. “He made
th' sun stand still an’ kept right on.”
“But that’s what T sald—a war I
armies”—-
. '“No, Ben, not always. Thar
labor wars, an’ business wars, amo
matrimonial wars, an’ a millior
other kinds. 1 tell ye th’ old worid’s
full of strife an’ war, an’ if. there
ain’t no armies a fightin’, thean th
people are fightin’ some other
way'' ———
Uncle Sllas paused to fill his pipe
“Should think you'd get all-fired
sick of so much war talk, Uncle
Si,” sald Jes!.
‘“Why don’t ye git one o' them
cards I gee in th’ clty which says
‘No War Talk Here'?” queried Ben.
“Let 'em talk it here, but I wish
1 had one to put in ev'ry home.
Make folks cut out their war talk
an’' live peaceful”—— .
“Folks can fight without talkin’,
Thar was th’ Blakes, deef an’ dumb,
both of 'em, yet they fit all th’
time.”
“Wa'al, Ben, lés’ you an’ I have a
game o’ checkers, an’ Uncle Si an'
Abner look on an’ stop war talk
f'r a foew minnits,” suggested Jeff
So they got out the checker board
and started in.
“Don’t let me fergit to take home
some salt fish,” Abner reminded
Uncle Silas,
“Got nothin' but them bricks,
three pounds {'r eighty cents’-——
“Thunderashun! Sirlein Veef
steak's cheaper'n that,” grumbled
Abner. “What makes ye charge so
much?"”
“War prices. High price o' meat
give th' fish men a chanc’t to boost
prices -
“This here war sorter gits on my
nerves,” confessed Abner.
“Your move,” said Ben.
‘““Taint either. It's your move”
insisted Jeff.
“I tell ye it aln’t"e—
“An’ I know a dum-site better,*
yelled Jeff.
“Looks like they’d go over th’' top
in a minnit,” chuckled Uncle Silas.
“Say,” queried Ben, “didjer read
vout .them boys goin’ cut inter no
man's land an™——
“That’s old,” scorned Jeff. '‘Th"
most interestin’ thing was th' way
they're bein’ driv back'-——
“No, they hain't"——-
“l guess I ¢'n read, you num
head. I tell yé if somethin’ ain't
done mighty quick ye'll see great
reverses'-——
“See yer grandmother—they've
got 'em backin’ offen th’ map™——
“You know's much 'bout tactioa
as & hog knows 'bout tattin”——
“If I didn't know more'n youw
"
“Aw, shut up"—
“Boys!” yelled Uncle Silas, and
when he raised his volce from his
usual mild tones every one pald at«
tention.
“Let's all make g drive inter no
man's land in th’ back room and
lead a spirited attack on my rum
bar'l!™
- And without a fiicker the grizsled
heroes made that spirited attack
and completely surrounded a big
hooker of their enemy, Demon Rum.
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‘“Tad’s’’ Funny Pictures Also Appear in The Georgian.
I pevery girl cannot have an
Ihonest to goodness dead lan
guage college education, at least
a great majority of them have
plaln, simple business college edu
cations. That is, they are supposed
to if their diplomas which hang
above the mantlepiece in the par
lor, where their best beaux can
give it the once over, can be taken
at its face value. The only bad
part of a diploma is the date, which
usually reveals a girl's age and
which disappears from the wall
very soon after graduation.
Any business men who is not
afraid of his wife and employs a
pretty stenographer will tell youn
that stenographers who have made
a special study of shorthand and
typewriting are highly proficient in
calling up their gentlemen friends,
in penning love letters, in reading
bristling, snappy stories and in
powdering thelr faces. In fact,
they are proficlent in everything
but In what they are paid to do.
This, of course, is only natural in
& woman. They ate expected to
If you see' it in
The Clarlon, it may
be so.
VOL. L
LACK OF HOMES HERE MIGHT BE RELIEVED IN A FEW YEARS
W
!x WILLY BALTHALL.
bout the middle of Au
gust the home situation
reached an acute stage—
walting lines in real estate
brokers’ offices extended
from the desks to the stair
ways and in some cases,
out in the streets. Those in
line were served as fast as
-possible, but it was evident
that other measures must
be taken to relieve the sit
uation.
Numerous ap&gals_ had
been made to ashington
and the extreme serious
ness of the shortage in
houses was pointed out.
The senior Senator from the
State called personally on
the President, asking that
relief measures be adopted
at once.
The President decided to
appoint a house administra
tor who should take charge
of the situation. In making
the appointment the Presi
dent. said: “May I not be
permitted to sm;,‘ that in
taking this acti ho re
flection is intended on the
reai estate agents. They
have done everything in
their power to induce ‘)eoplo
to purchase homes while the
supply was ampl%_hand the
price attractive. ey have
urged builders to erect more
dwellings. and have repeated.
1y pointed out the seriousness
of the house problem.”
Dr. Horace Grant was ap
pointed Federal house ad
ministrator in Atlanta, tak
ing ¢harge at once. He es
tablished an office in the City
Hall and proceeded to take
up his duties.
His first action was to
make a survey of the house
situation—compiling a list of
all the available supply. All
real estate agents were re
quired to report at once the
stock on hand. Several brok
ers had no houses whatever,
their -enhtire available supply
having been sold or contract
ed for.
Turman & Cathoun report.
ed six houses in stock. M. C.
Kiser & Company had four;
Smith & Ewing has one, and
Stenographers
know the direct opposite to what
they are to do. :
A stenographer knows how. to
spell almost as well as a savage,
only she is permitted to make more
errors. Any stenographer can
misspell the same word more times
than the newspapers can print re
ports of Villa’s death. As a speller
she’'s a distinct rarity and as un
common as the Pzanxjuipa, an ani
mal which never lived. But as far
as speed is concerned, they're
speedy enough, but not on the type
writer. On the machine they will
never be arrested for speeding. On
the contrary, they are more nvt*o'
be pulled in for blocking traffic.
A stenographer’s best friend is an
eraser,
A stenographer is a girl. who is
well versed in geography and usw
ally places the’ city of Bombay in
France, Naples' in Spain and Tan
glers in Nova Scotia. Some of
them heard of Sanskrit or prose,
but they are not sure whether it
was written by Elinor Glyn or Bea
trice Fairfax. The only grammar
The Capital City Clarion
ATLANTA, GA., JANUARY 27, 1918
THE CHOPPERS - !
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J. I. Logan had two.
It was found that six thou
sand new families had moved
to Atlanta, and freight ter
minals were congested with
household goods.
The builders were mobil
ized to see what could be
expected in the way of new
houses. A. H. Bailey had a
brick bungalow under way,
but has already, sold it. Mrs.
Nora G. Webb had a duplex
residence half finished and
several hundred applicants
for it. Buck Daniel s&ig he
was expecting a carload of
lumber from South Georgia
and would be ready to start
building in about a month.
Dillin & Morris had one bun
galow on Virginia avenue. A
wholesale lumber dealer re
ported that he had some
trees growing, which would
be available for lumber in a
few years; the outlook was
rather discouraging.
At this stage, C. W. Mfi~
Clure wrote ar.rel;‘-l\rd ‘to u:-ke
newspapers o 0 e
on all the stock mniand and
retail at cost. He called on
I\ 20 GLAD You OH My HUSBAND
WD ME ELLA- HASAT BEEN HOME
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/Y . %W’ U mrianyt
t}lxle fir;lmor to commandeer
al uilding materials, and
put the S{nu conviets to
work bx‘[lding houses. “If I
were Gbvernor 1 would sell
houses for five and ten
{:nenu," he is quoted as say
¥
Applicants for houg: wait
ed in a long line at Dr. Hor
ace Grant's office and pri
ority cards were is T &
purple card was given to
those living in tents; a green
card to those whose furniture
was in the street; where fiot
more than ten families were
living in one house, a pink
card was issued for these, to
be served last. Before ob
taining a pink card, the ap
plicant must make affidavit
that not fewer than ten fam
ilies were living in oOne
house; other applications
were not considered.
Walter Mason was ordered
to shut down his qgle plant,
s 0 as to conserve the supply
as much as possible. £
Many of the wealthiest
families in the city were
sleeping in limousines. A
Registered U. #, Putent Office.
they know is atroclous, but some
times they are almost led to believe
that a verb should agree with its
noun. Adjectives and interroga
tives are out of their line, although
they have the former, like “cutey”
and ‘“honey” thrust at them all the
time, and are themselves always
asking the latter. -
Most bosses do not know how or
haven't the heart to fire their
stenographers, so they tolerate
them until driven to desperation
and then, as the easiest way out,
marry them.
Two Sides of the Triangle.
TBE illuminated sign of an up
town movie house last week
bore the following announcement:
“An Account of a Woman and
Fatty Arbuckle”
Old George Kerr says it wasn't
a married man who emitted the
groan that “Christmas comes but
once a year.”
Edited by M. T
Noodle and his able
assistants.
public meeting was held and
speeches of lntflgtu.tlon
made. One speaker brought
out the fact that bank de
posits in Atlanta totaled
eighty million dollars, yet the
people have r;s place to sleep.
“What go does all our
money do us, if we haye no
homes,”. said one speaker.
Charges of hoarding were
made against prominent citi
zens and threats were openly
expressed.
Mrs. Tona House, the well
known suffragette, addressed
a meeting and counseled
moderation. She stated that
for months past real estate
agents had advertised homes
at less than value, but no
heed has been paid to their
offerings. People had ac
quired the wrong idea of
thrift and had ‘been piling up
bank accounts instead of
buying useful things. Real
estate brokers were absolved
from blame.
It is thought that with the
extreme measures taken, the
situation will be relieved
within a few years.
Toot-Toot!
Di
ing-Dong!
—’Board
oard!
HE U, 8. Limited is under way
T with Uncle Sam as president,
general passenger agent, su
perintendent, traffic manager, tick.
et agent, baggageman, engineer,
brakeman and conductor. It ought
to be a grand trip.
We are all giaa to see the old
man getting into the raflroad bus!-
ness at last, and we hope he wiln
never get out of it. We hope that,
in time, he will be the only rafl
road owner in the United States,
And now that he i 8 running the
business, we dare speak up and
ask for what we want. Nobody is
afraid to ask favors of the old boy,
while the fellows who used to run
the rallroads were rather unap
proachable, Did you ever ask a
ticket agent in Kalamazoo whether
No. 17 would get in on time?
As a representative of the Amal.
gamated Order of Patient Passen.
gers, we hereby ask Uncle Sam to
make some needed improvements,
We mention only a few. There are
several thousand others which we
will mention from time to time, and
if Uncle keeps busy he may bring
about an ideal state of affairs by
1932.
Here are our first requests:
Teach _the brakemen how ta
speak English, so that a man who
wants to get off at Schoharie will
- not get off at Schenectady.
. Make it obligatory upon the por
ter to hit the passenger at least
three times with the whisk broom
instead of merely waving it aad
holding out the other -hand. Pres
ent-day porters all think a whisk
broom is a flag.
~ Have the diner in the middle of
the train instead of at the tail end,
so that when a passenger is going
from Cleveland to Chicago he won't
have to walk back as far as Erle
to get his breakfast,
Have all extra-fare trains ten
hours late go the passengers can
collect a rebate once in a while,
Have some hot water in the hot
| water spigot in the sleeper wash
room. This would be an interest
ing innovation,
Have one slesper for the exclun
gtve use of persons who imitate
the beasts of the jungle, the birds
of the alr and motorcycles in their
sleep.
Make It a erfme punishable by
life imprisonment for a man to go
to sleep in the day coach with his
feet sticking out in the aisle.
Give the passenger something
beside the table in the table d'hote.
Have the barber chairs screwed
tightly to the floor, so the shavee
can stay in it when the train hits
a curve. This has never been done.
The tickets are now too short
and too easily lost. Have the
ticket from Detroit to New York
four feet long so the passenger can
tle it around his walist, instead of
only two and a half feet long as at
present.
Have the upper berths closer to
the ceiling, so the passenger will
bave something to brace his knees
against.
Have the staterooms large
enough so the passenger will not
have to go out into the car to un
dresy after the berth has been
made up.
. No Arcident.
F a small West Taxas town, owt
In she Cap Rook country, tnterest
was centered abont the registration
booth, and the atmosphers was be
coming pretty solsmm and funeresl
when a wellsetaip young cowmmn
clidked up to the official in chaxge
ani gave & wellkknown Deme.
Glitly answering the quostions
put to him, hs wes met with she
qnestion:
“Hiver had eny scchdemts?™
“Aocidents? Nape™
“Never kad sn acdident in yenr
lite?”
~ “Nope, Ratfler it m» enos”
' “Don’t you call that an accident?”
continued the questioner, eyeing
the easy-going young fellow sevars
-Iy.
“No! The darn thing bt mw en
porpose!™
His Place in the Draft.
Tum: Registration day. Place:
Small town in southern Ilinois,
He was a gentleman of onlor, and
| the registrar was having consider
able troubls explaining the whys
and wherefores of the registration.
At last Rastus showed a faint glim
mer of intelligenca.
“Dis heyah registrashum fo’ de
draf am a whols lot like ‘lectiom
votin’, ain't it? he asked wuncer
tainly.
“Yes,” answarsd the kindly regls
trar.
Rastus scratched his head in
troubled doubt. He was thinking
’ deeply. Presently his brow cleared
and a smfle spread over his faca
He had come to a decision,
“Den I votes fer Julius Jackson
ter be drafted,” he said. *] pebah
did hab no use fo’ dat miggah”
No. 36