Newspaper Page Text
The Busi
e Business Career of
i . Squi
eter dquint
By C. B. Quincy
ONFIDENCE,” says the Manual of Business Efficiency, *is the
“ greatest secret of success. When you try to sell a man
anything, approach him confident that you will make & sale,
The same rule applies when you go after a job,
Hitherto the only job I had landed was handed out to me because
the boss had known my uncle, which is no business reason at all, and a
thing severely condemned by the manual. Nevertheless, it had helped
me to feel more confident. The rest of this afternoon I spent practising
additional confidence. I repeated over and over again to myself the
maxims which the Manual says have an unfalling result:
J MUST SUCCEED
I CAN DELIVER THE GOODS.
I AM UTTERLY CONFIDENT.
THE JOB IS MINE.
Next morning 1 decided to get a job with Joshua Beezer, Inc., so ]
went around to .the Beezer Building bright and early.
Going up in the elevator the man called out: “Floor, please?’ 1 was
0 absorbed in becoming confident that I answered: “I can deliver th¢
goods.”
“Take the freight elevator,” the operator responded.
“l must succeed.” 1 muttered.
“Wha-a-at? What d'ye want?”’ the man hollered. :
“l want Joshua Beezer, Inc.” 5
1 noticed the fellow looked at me strangely, but he stopped the cai
befare a door on which was lettered JOSHUA BEEZER. INC.
As 1 opened the door 1 kept murmuring to myself “I am utterly con:
fident—l am utterly confident”——
A red-haired boy came to the gate,
“Whadya want?’ he asked, “We didn’t call no messenger.”
“The Job is mine,” I had kept repeating mechanically.
“No job is youTs, nix, notatall,” said the red-baired boy. “I just told
ya we didn't call no messenger.”
“Messenger!” Was 1, with my heart full of confidence and my feet
now-—practically-—on the first round of success’s ladder, to be treated as
a wandering messenger boy! Not so. My blood boiled, but I managed
to say politely -the Manual enjoins unvarylng politeness—*“l should like
to see Mr. Joshua Beezer, please.”
“Ah,” sald the red-haired boy, “you wanta see Mr. Joshua Beezer,
eh? Won't vne of the ‘lnc's’ be all right?”’
“No,” 1 answered, forgetting momentarily the precepts of the Manual.
“No, you red-halred young shrimp, one of the ‘lnc’'s’ won’t do. I want to
gße Mr. Joshua Beezer personally.”
“Well, in that case,” retorted the boy, “yon’ll have to run out to Even
hope Cemetery, for the Beezers' have been dead over ten years."”
A couple of the stenographers tittered. ;
“And I ain’t no red-haired shrimp neither.”
I was so mad I forgot all about the Manual.
“You are, too,” I yelled.
“I ain't, neither.”
I slapped his face.
We fell over the rail, knocked over a desk, and had all the giris
pcreaming as we wrestled Il‘f)\ll}d. But before much damage could be
done the door opened and in came the elevator man with a special
officer,
“There, 1 knowed it,” sald“the elevator man. “I knowed this fellow
was an anarchist or spy or sumpin. Tells me he's goin’' to dellver the
goods and looks loony as he says he must gucceed. And here he's been
nabbed by this here hero.”
The special officer had me by the collar and he, too, addressed the
red-haired kid. “You done noble,” he said. “Twouldn't surprise me none
if you gets a reward for baffling this desprit villain.,”
“Oh, 'tain’t nothin',” answered the red-halred boy. *“I knowed from
readin’ Chapter IX. of the Manual of Detective Deduction that he was a
dangerous character soon as he opened his trap.”
So he studied a manual, also,
- . .
There wasn’'t much more to tell. The judge let me go right away,
because he knew my uncle!
That doesn’t seem like justice to me, but I didn't stop to argur
~about it
But if I ever mpet that red-hatred detective kid!
Bey et e+t e e e et A e e e . e eet e
| Not Useless.
, “FATHER." said an inguiring youth, “when a hen sits on an egg so)
three weeks and it dont hateh, 1s the egg spolled?”
“As an article of dief> my son, it is henceforth a failure, but for polith
eal purposes it has its uses.”
| Unkind.
'rum were newly wed, and were showing their friends over thair littls
v home. Fach room in turn was inspected. Last on the list came the
kitchen. The little wife waxed eloquent.
“You see,” she said, “that is where I do all my cooking. And this is
the very basin in which I mix my cakes” @
“And this,” eried the young man, indicating the oven with a sweep
of his arm, “is the brick-kiin!" .
True to Form.
THE average man treats spiritualism as a joke. The story Is told of a
widow who tried to get in touch with her deceased husband.
The medium, after a good deal of futile work, said to the widow:
“The conditions this evening seem unfavorable. 1 can’t seem to establish
communication with Mr. Smith, ma’'am.”
“Well, I'm not surprised,” sald the widow, with a glance at the clock.
“It's only half-past eight now, and John never did show up till about 3
am”
A Little Hard of Hearing.
‘rWO ladies, one of whom was very deaf, were walking by the railway.
Suddenly an express train rushed by, and as it passed the engine gave
a shriek that seemed to rend the sky. The-lady's ears were nearly split,
but the deat one turned to her suffering friend and said, with a happy
smile: ) -
“That's the first robin I've heard this Spring.” >
; /
; Couldn't Understand It.
“BILI." said the heavy tragedian of a travelling theatrical company,
i while peering through the curtain, “the house is just about empty.”
/ “Can’'t understand that,” reflected the comedian. “We've never been
~ here before, have we?”
: Took It For a Sign.
THERE is a fine new building of white marble and Greek architecture
in & Western city. On the cornerstone is engraved the date of the
building's erection. It was begun in 1909, but, following the usual custom,
the date is in Roman capitals, thus: MCMIX,
The other day one citizen approached another and asked him if he
had seen their common friend Danny that day.
“] sure did,” replied the second man. “A few minutes ago I seen him
* standing in front of McMix's new building over there on the corner.”
A True Bill.
JUDGE—WM is the verdict of the jury?
¢ Foreman--Your Honor, the jury lt? all of one mind—temporarily
h s
HEARST’S SUNDAY AMERICAN — A Newspaper tor People Who Think — SUNDAY, JANUARY 27, 1918.
Those Tired Business Men
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The Podunk Philosophers
on War
§6 EST fer a guess,” began Ben
Phelps, making his cow-
J hides sizzle agalnst the
#tove in Uncle Silas Wiggin's Gen
eral Store at Podunk Village, “how
much longer do ye think this
here"-—— v
“War will last?” finished Jest
Weeks with a snort. *“There,” he
added, turning to Abner Heath,
“didn’t I tell ye Ben wouldn’t mor'n
git sot before he started off on this
herd war talk?”
“What of it, hey?” demanded Ben,
glaring at the others. “I guess
there's two or three others in this
here world a talkin’ on the same
subjec’ right this minnit.,”
“Goshamitey, ain’t there enough
other things to talk about?” de
manded Jeff,
“What, f'instance?”’ Uncle Silas
asked pleasantly, as he closed his
ledger, came out from behind the
counter and joined the trio.
“Oh, business, or crops, or ships,
or wimmin, or pork an’ beans, or a
thousand other things'——
“They all lead right smack up to
war,” insisted Ben. “Business is all
shifted ‘round on account of th’
war. We can’t mention crops with
out tellin’ 'bout not enough cars to
move ‘em, or th' seventy million
bushels of wheat we gotter go short
on to feed th' allles an’ nootruls.
And as fer ships—all we read about
is buildin’ ‘em, or sinkin’ ’em, or
blowin’ 'em up, or workers strikin’
on 'em'——
“But th* wimmin"——-
“Ye say ‘wimmin,” {interrupted
Uncle Silas, pleasantly, “an’ ye hat
ter mention knittin’, or Red Cross,
or mothers an’ wives, or would-be
wives th’ boys has left behimd.”
“Wa'al, pork an' beans, then?”
“demanded Jeff.
“] feed my men on pork an’
beans,” sung Abner Heath, from
that classic concerning one Captain
Jenks and his “Hoss Marines,”
whereupon they all laughed.
“Jest th’' same, we'll all be glad
when there ain't no war’——
“We'll all be dead when there
ain't no war,” declared Ben,
“Ye's a downright pessermist,
Ben,” growled Abmer,' “This here
war won't last more’n a couple of
yoars"—— =
“Thar always has been war, an’
fur's I ¢'n see, thar always will
be"—
“Oh, no, Ben—not always,” inter
rupted Jeff. :
“Ben’'s right,” said Uncle Silas,
“thar's been war of some kind right
from th’' start, right from th' time
Adam an’ Eve an’' th' sarpint dis
agreed over th’ apple. Read hist'ry
—it's all war. Th' Old Testament's
chuck full ot armies and battles,
four hundred thousand, an’ when
Joshua was first capturin’ this same
Jerusalem th’ British took a while
ago, twenty-five thousand was killed
in one day"——
“Aw, he didn't fight fair. He
wan't satisfied to knock off fightin’
at sundown an' call it a day—no
siree,” declared Jeff. “He made
th' sun stapd still an’ kept rizht on.”
“But that's what T sald—a war 11
armies’’-——
} “No, Ben, not always. Thar's
labor wars, an’ business wars, an
matrimonial wars, an’ a millior
other kinds, 1 tell ye th’ old world’s
full of strife an’ war, an’ if there
ain't no armies a fightin’, then th
people are fightin’' some othe:
way''——
Uncle Silas paused to fill his pipe
“SBhould think you'd get all-fired
sick of so much war talk, Uncle
81," sald Jeff.
“Why don't ye git one o' them
~cards I see in th’ city which says
‘No War Talk Here'?” queried Ben.
“Let 'em talk it here, but I wish
I had one to put in ev'ry home.
Make folks cut out their war talk
an'-live peaceful”——
“Folks can fight without talkin’.
Thar was th’ Blakes, deef an’ dumb,
both of 'em, yet they fit all th’
time.”
“Wa'al, Ben, les’ you an’ I have a
game o' checkers, an’ Uncle Si an’
Abner look on an’' stop war talk
f'r a few minnits,” suggested Jeff.
So they got out the checker board
and started in,
“Don’t let me fergit to take home
some salt fish,” Abner reminded
Uncle Silas.
“Got nothin' but them bricks,
three pounds f'r eighty cents”——
“Thunderashun! Sirloin beef:
stedak’s cheaper'n that,” grumbled
Abner. “What makes ye charge so
much ?”
“War prices. High price o’ meat
give th’ fish men a chanc't to boost
prices’’~——— .
“This here war sorter gits on my
nerves,” confessed Abner.
“Your move,” said Ben.
“Taint efther. It's your move,”
insisted Jeff.
“I tell ye it ain't"—
“An’ I know a dum-site better,”
yelled Jest.
“Looks like they’d go over th’ top
in a minnit,” chuckled Uncle Silas.
“Say,” queried Ben, “didjer read
oout them boys goin' cut tnter no
man's land an”——
“That's old,” scorned Jeff. “Th*
most interestin’ thing was th’ way
they're bein’ driv back"——
“No, they hain’t'—
“l guess I ¢'n read, you num
yeud. I tell ye if somethin’ ain’t
done mighty quick ye'll see great
reverses”——
“See yer grandmother—they've
got 'em backin’ offen th’ map"——
“You know’s much ’bout tactics
as a hog knows 'bout tattin"-——
“If I didn't know more’n you
I'q"—— I
. “Aw, shut up"—
“Boys!" yelled Uncle Silas, and
when he raised his voice from his
usual mild tones every one paid at
tention.
“Let’s all make a drive inter no
man's land in th’ back room and
lJead a spirited attack on my rum
barl!"™
And without a flicker the griztled
heroes made that spirited attack
and completely surrounded a big
hooker of thelr enemy, Demon Rum.
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“Tad’s”” Funny Pictures Also Appear in The Georgian.
F every girl cannot have an
Ihonest to gocdness dead lan
guage college education, at least
a great majority of them have
plain, simple business college edu
cations, That is, they are supposed
to if their diplomas which hang
above the mantlepiece in the par
lor, where their best beaux can
give it the once over, can be taken
at its face value. The only bad
part of a diploma {s the date, which
usually reveals a girl's age and
which disappears from the wall
very soon after graduation.
Any business man who is not
afraid of his wife and employs a
pretty stenographer will tell yon
that Stenographers who have made
a special study of shorthand and
typewriting are highly pmflciegt\in
calling up their gentlemen friends,
in penning love letters, in reading
bristling, snappy stories and in
powdering their faces. In fact,
they are proficlent in everything
but in what they are paid to do.
This, of course, is only natural in
& woman. They are expected to
If you see it In
The Clarion, it may
be so.
VOL. I.
LACK OF HOMES HERE MIGHT BE RELIEVED IN A FEW YEARS
B,X WILLY BALTHALL.
bout the middle of Au
gust the home situation
reached an acute stage—
walting lines in real estate
brokers’ offices extended
from the desks to the stair
ways and in some cases,
out in the streets. Those in
line were served as fast as
possible, but it was evident
that other measures must
be taken to relieve the sit
uation.
Numerous appeals had
been made to Washington
and the extreme serious
ness of the shortage in
houses was pointed out.
The senior Senator from the
State called personally on
the President, asking that
relief measures be adopted
at once.
The President decided to
appoint & house administra
tor who should take charge
of the situation. In making
the appointment the Presi
dent said: “May I not be
permitted to state that in
taking this actio no re
flection is lntenderrh on_ the
real estate agents. They
have done everything in
their power to induce people
to purchase homes while the
supply was ample and the
price attractive. They have
urged builders to erect more
dwellings. and have repeated.
ly pointed out the seriousness
of the house problem.”
Dr. Horace Grant was ap
pointed Federal house ad
ministrator in Atlanta. tak
ing charge at once. He es
tablished an office in the City
Hall and proceeded to take
up his duties.
‘His -first action was to
make a survey of the house
situation—compiling a list of
all the available supply. All
real estate agents were re
quired to report at once the
stock on hand. Several! brok
ers had no houses whatever,
their entire available supply
having been sold or ¢ontract
ed for.
Turman & Calhoun report.
ed six houses in stock. M. C.
Kiser & Company had four;
Smith & Ewing has one, and
Stenographers
know the direct opposite to what
they are to do.
A stenographer knows how to
spell almost as well as a savage,
only ghe is permitted to make more
errors. Any stenographer can
misspell the same word more times
than the newspapers can print re
ports of Villa’s death. As a speller
she’'s a distinct rarity and as un
common as the Pzanxjuipa, an ani
mal which never lived. But-as far
as speed Is concerned, they're
speedy enough, but not on the type
writer. On the machine they will
never be arrested for speeding. On
the contrary, they are more apt to‘
be pulled in for blocking traffic.
A stenographer’s best friend is an
eraser,
A stenographer is a girl who is
well versed in geography and usu
ally places the city of Bombay in
France, Naples in Spain and Tan
glers in Nova Scotia. Some of
them heard of Sanskrpit or prose,
but they are not sure whether it
was written by Elinor Glyn or Bea
trice Fairfax. The only grammar
The Capital City Clarion
ATLANTA, GA,, JANUARY 27, 1918,
THE CHOPPERS
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J. L. Logan had two.
It was found that six thou
sand new families had moved
to Atlanta, and freight ter
minals were congested with
househoid goods.
The builders were mobil
ized to see what could be
expected in the way of new
houses. A. H. Bailey had a
brick bungalow under way,
but has already sold it. Mrs,
Nora G. Webb had a duplex
residence half finished. and
several hundred applieants
“for it. Buck Daniel said he
was expecting a carload of
lumber from South Georgia
and would be ready to start
building in about a month.
Dillin & Morris had one bun
galow on Virginia avenue. A
wholesale lumber dealer re
ported that he had some
trees growing, which would
be available for lumber in a
few years; the outlook was
rather discouraging.
At this stage, C. W. Mec-
Clure wrote ?ruimd tt.o t‘tll:e
news s offer Q e
on alfat.g:r stoek onnin.nd and
retail at cost, He called on
1™ S 0 GLAD You OH MY HU>BAND
LD ME ELLA—~ HASNT BEEN HOME
WEL BoTH 60 on TIME /R WEEKS
T ™ME OFRICE CFEIE WORK BAM —
| DIDAT SUSPECT™ L BET~ THENEE
W HUSBAND - v OUT WIMH SOME
AT ACE *‘# WOMEN e
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DEAR THE COMPANY
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A Journal of Uplift
the Governor to commandeer
all buitding materials, and
put the State convicts to
work building houses. “If I
were Governor I would sell
houses for five and ten
cents,” he is quoted as say
ing. \
Applicants for houses wait
ed in a long line at Dr. Hor
ace Grant's office and pri
ority cards were issued; a
purple card was given to
those living“in tents; a green
card to those whose furniture
was in the street; where not
more than ten families wera
living in one house, a pink
card was issued for these, to
be served last. Before ob
taining a pink card, the ap
plicant mast make affidavit
that not fewer than ten fam
ilies were living in one
house; other applications
were not considered.
Walter Mason was onjereg
to shut down his tile plan
so as to conserve the supply
as much as possible.
Many of the wealthiest
families in the city were
sleeping % limousines, A
By Tad
they know is atrocious, but some
times they are almost led to believe
that a verb should agree with its
noun. Adjectives and interroga
tives are out of their line, although
they have the former, like “cutey”
and “honey” thrust at them all the
time, and are themselves always
asking the latter. $
Most bosses do not know how or
haven't the heart to fire their
stenographers, so they tolerate
them until driven to desperation
and then, as the easlest way out,
marry them. :
’P‘——_—'———————-————’
Two Sides of the Triangle.
THE'mumlnated sign of an up
town movie house last week
bore the following announcement:
“An Account of a Woman and
Fatty Arbuckle.”
01d George Kerr says it wasn’t
a married man who emitted the
groan that “Christmas comes but
once a year.,”
Edited by M. T
Noodle and his able
assistants.
nublic moet!n{ was held and
speeches o indignation
made. Ome speaker brought
out the fact that bank de
posits in Atlanta totaled
eighty million dollars, yet the
people have no place to sleep.
“What good does all our
money do us, if we have no
homes,” said one speaker.
Charges of hoarding were
made against prominent citi
zens and threats were openly
expressed.
Mrs. lona House, the well
known suffragette, addressed
a meeting and counseled
moderation. ’She stated that
for months Past real estate
agents had advertised homes
at less than value, but ne
heed has been paid to their
offerings. . People had ac
quired the wrong idea of
thrift and had been piling up
bank accounts instead of
buying useful things. Real
estate brokers were absolved
from blame.
It is thought that with the
:“xtnme mmung. taken, the
within & few years, =
Toot-Toot!
.
Ding-Dong!
—’Board
oard!
HE U. S. Limited is under way
T with Uncle Sam as president,
'general passenger agent, su
perintendent, traffic manager, ticke
et agent, baggageman, engineer,
brakeman and conductor, It ought
to be'a grand trip.
We are all glaa to see the old
man getting into tym'oad busl
ness at last, and we hope he will
never get out of it. We hope that,
in time, he will be the only rail
road owner in the United States.
And now that he is running the
/businesa, we dare speak up and
ask for what we want. Nobody is
afraid to ask favors of the old boy,
while the fellows who used to rum
the railroads were rather unap-<
proachable, Did you ever ask a
ticket agent in Kalamazoo whether
No. 17 would get in on time?
As a representative of the Amal«
gamated Order of Patient Passene
gers, we hereby ask Uncle Sam to
make some needed improvements,
We mention only a few. There are
several thousand others which we
will mention from time to time, and
if Uncle keeps busy he may bring
about an ideal state of affairs by
1932.
Here are our first requests:
Teach the brakemen how to
speak English, so that a man who
wants to get off at Schoharie will
not get off at Schenectady.
Make it obligatory upon the por
‘ter to -hit the passenger at least
three times with the whisk broom
instead of merely waving it and
holding out the other hand. Pres
ent-day porters all think a whisk
broom is a flag.
Have the diner in the middle of
the train instead of at the tail end,
so that when a passenger is going
from Cleveland to Chicago he won't
have to walk back as far as Erie
to get his breakfast,
Have all extra-fare trains ten
bours late so the passengers can
collect a rebate once in a» while.
Have some hot water in the hot
water spigot in the sleeper wash
room. This would be an interest
ing innovation.
Have one sleeper for the exclu
slve use of persons who imitate
-the beasts of the jungle, the birds
of the air and motorcycles in their
sleep.
Make it a crime punishable by
life imprisonment for a man to go
to sleep in the day coach with hig
feet sticking out in the aisle.
'Give the passenger something
beside the table in the table d’hote.
Have the barber chairs screwed
tightly to the floor, so the shavee
can stay in it when the train hits
a curve. This has never been done.
The tickets are now too short
and too easily lost.~ Have the
ticket from Detroit to New York
four feet long so the passenger can
tie it around his walst, instead of
only two and a half feet long as at
present.
Have the upper berths closer to
the ceiling, so the passenger will
have something to brace his knees
against.
Have the staterooms large
enough so the passenger will not
have to go out into the car to un
dress after the berth has been
made up.
No. 36
No Accident.
F a small Wast Texas town, out
In the Cap Rock country, interest
was centered abont the registration
booth, and the atmosphere was be
coming preity solemm and funereal
when & wellset-up young cowman
clicked up to the official in chargo
and gave a well-known name.
Glibly answering the questions
put to him, he was met with tha
question:
“Ever had any accidents?”
“Accidents? Nope.”
“Never had an accident in yomt
lite?” r
“Nope. Ratfler hit me once.”
‘“Don’t you call that an accident?™
continued the gquestioner, eyeind
the easy-going young fellow severe
ly.
“No! The dgrn thing bit ms on
His Place in the Draft.
TDIE: Registration day. Place;
Small town in southern limols,
He was a_gentleman of color, and
the registrar was having considem
able troubls explaining the whys
and wherefores of the registration.
At last Rastus showed a faint glims
mer of intelligence.
“Dis heyah registrashum oo’ da
draf” am a whole lot like "lection
votin’, ain't It7° he asked uncery
tainly. ; i
“Yes,” answered the kindly regis
trar. i
Rastus scraiched his head i
troubled doubt. He was thinking
deeply. Presently his brow M
and a smile spread over his facey
He had come to a decision, |
~ “Den I votes fer Julius
ter be drafted.” he mid 'm
@l4 bad no pye £o° dad Algzab .