Newspaper Page Text
February in
Hist
By J. J. Leibson
Wisdom from the Oommectiout Almanack of 1817.
“The alternate chills and thaws of February represent a long cowrtship,
as & Deehive does matrimony, for it is often empty and poor; sometimes
ok in wax, but insipid im taste; and sometimes full of honey, but fre
Quently full of stings.”
BIRTHS AND DEATHS,
URING February great men came and went in pairs, Washington
D and Lincoln were born in this month. Each added a full chapter
to the burdens of the American wohoelboy, but compensated him
with a holiday once a year,
Two legal lights went out in Mebruary; Moses died 1451 B. C. and
Blackstone 1780. The former was the firet man to break the Ten Com
mandments, dashing them to the ground (Fxodus, XXXII, 19),
Two famous explorers passed away, Hlisha Kane, who spent many
years in the Arctio regions, then got cold feet and died in Cuba, and
Captain Cook, whose name acted as a suggestion to the canmibels of
Hawall. The hula-hula girls were just crazy over him and smacked thelr
Itps on the beach at Wat KrKl
Two artists died in this month, Str Joshua Reynolds and Michael
Angelo. Michasl was considered some punkines as an interior decorator
tn those dark ages, but he was a rotten business man. He drew down
less money for the Sistine Chapel than a modern furniture shark squeeses
out of a sitxeoom apariment ou the Drive. His etatues of David and
Moses may have been big time stuff in the XVlth Oentury, but they lack
the realism of Burmnard's linooln, the statue with the punch—you can
aven see where Lincoln fesls it
Three of England®s queenz went into the discard in February., Kath
arine Howard, fifth matrimonial experiment of the amorous Henry VIIL,
was exeouted In 1643, while lady Jane Grey, 1664, and Mary Queen of
Boots, 1687, were a Ifttle ahead of their time and played polities; then
they sadd “Good morming™ to the headsman.
THE STAQGE,
In Pebruary, 1886, Barah Bernhardt started on her fourth farewell
towr, and John Drew celebrated the sflver anniversary of his debut on the
boards.
Joe Jefferson made his first appearance in Rip Van Winkle. Wash
ington Irving was in the audlence and immediately cribbed the plot for
his story. Some unimportant literary critics elaim that the story was
written first. :
In February, 1890, George M. Cohan mmde a hit at Tony Pastor's in
“Running for Office” and got his salary increased to eighteen a week.
In this month LAllan Russell appeared in a special performance be
fore President John Adams, who considered her an infant prodigy.
The Eden Musee was opened on Twenty-third street and for a time
could scarcely pay expenses, as people considered it too far up town.
CRIMES,
While out hunting in the Bchwartzwald an officer in the train of
Kaiser Wilhelm, February 21, 1892, mistook his Emperor for a boar and
fired, but MISSED HIM.
Lucrezia Borgia distributed a few poison packages; Biuebeard scored
twice in this month; stiff linen collars were invented and cornmeal mush
was decreed human food.
FAMOUS ESCAPES.
On February 4, 1194, King Richard I gave the slip to his captors on
the Continent. Napoleon, February, 1815, escaped from Elba. And in
this month Jonah departed from the whala,
1 FICTION,
Bir Walter Scott began his Waverley Novels, which became the first
best sellers in English Itterature; a host of imitators are still producing
best smellers.
In February Raspe compieted Baron Munchausen; the first weather
indicators were published, and the first Summer hotel and boarding
Rouse booklet appeared.
TEMPERANCE.
On February 28, 1736, a proposal was submitted to the House of Com
mons, in England, to levy a heavy tax on distilled liquors to prevent poor
people from drinking themselves to death. In those days it was a com
mon sight to see tavern signs that read, “Drunk for a penny; dead drunk
for twopence; clean straw free.”
® In 1797 the poet, Coleridge, wrote, “Water, water everywhere, nor
any drop to drink™ So we find conditions in England improved a bit,
though the poet exaggerated. Some of the nobility got drunk in those
days Just once; but that was all they needed—a good start. The rest of
the time they just STAYED drunk.
MISCELLANEOUS,
o-mn.uu.mmmtookmm.umotm«
after the battle of Sluys and quartered his arms with the motto, *Dieu et
Mon Droit,” thus beating the Kaiser to a partnership with the Almighty
by almost six hundred years.
T. B. Powers, the famous cartoonist, discovered the Gazrump on sale
at the Danbury Hardware Store. It could run to South Norwalk and dack
eight times without winding. A few years later this model was slightly
improved in Detroit and became & Ford.
& b e
* Matter of Life and Death,
THERE had been a long silence in the dimdit reem. The atmosphere
was tense,
“Bdith,” sald the young man at last, breaking the sflence, “I have a
question to ask you-—an impertant one.”
“Y_y-yes, Tom?" faltered the young lady,
“I-~1-—l—well, anyhow, my name’s going te be printed in the paper
soon, and I--I—l wondered whether it would be ameng the deaths er—or
pmong the marriages, along with yours?”
Exact Science.
'I‘HE famous botanist was pacing slowly along the eountry road, his
eyves, as usual, roaming from side to side for new plants to study,
Suddenly an eager look swept across his features, and he leaned
over the low fence enclosing a cottage garden. He had found a plang
he did not know.
What could it ba? If only he had a specimen of it to study!
At that moment a shock-headed lad strolled along the road and
stopped to gase open-mouthed at him,
“1 say!” ealled the botanist, urgently. “See that plant there—that
pale pink one {n the corner? Do you know {t?
“Aye,” sald the country boy, briefiy.
“What's its name? Do you know what family it belongs te?"
The lad jerked a grubby thumb ever hiz shoulder toward the liille
’otugo as ha spoke more briefly still:—
© “Higginses!”
HEARST'S SUNDAY AMERICAN - A Newspaper lor People Who Think — SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 1918,
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Our Bureau of
Misi ]
isinformation
EDITOR:—Wmh.m Hohenzollern wns 59 years old om Ja. 27. How
old will he be Jan. 27, 1919 —BIOGRAPHER.
811 l will probably age about twenty years before Jan. 2,
1919 —Ed.
Dear Sir:—What s a bolsheviki? Do you cook it in a samovar o
how ?—CONSTANT READER.
A bolsheviki Is something that apparently starts In a frying
pan and has two guesses—to come out German fried or into the
fire, there being no choice as to th‘ done-to-afrazzie result.—Ed.
Mr. Editor:—Have read in your paper considerable about the Anzacs
Have studied every natural history and anthropology but find no refer
ence to such a tribe. Are they savage?—PROFESSOR X.
You ought to see them going “over the top."—Ed.
Misinformation Department:—Have studied national, international
financial, economie, political, domestic and niilitary conditions thoroughly
yet found nothing that will answer this questicr, “What makes food o
high ?"—QUESTIONNAIRE.
The price.~—Ed.
Sir:—Just read that the French women are wearing their skirt
longer. Is there any real good reason for this?—MODISTH.
Sure—a great scarcity of skirts over there.—Ed.
Mr. Editor of Bureau:—l ask you, is there any reason in the worli
why Russla should be howling for @ hundred thousand pairs of shoes?
—INDIGNANT.
You bet there Is. They are mighty anxious to be In almost
anybody else’s shoes.—Ed.
Editor:—What is an embargo? Give a definftion that I will under
stand, not an academic or technical one—BENEDICT.
When wife says, “Nothing doing on that sit-up-with-a-sick
friend stuff tonight.”"—Ed.
Dear Mr. Editor:—Would it be possible for some of us girls to ge!
fnto the war to form, like the Russian women, a “battalion of death”]
—MURIEL,
Quite easy. Get a lot of your girl friends together and go
over and cook for the German soldlers.—Ed.
Sir:—Why doesn't someone write a patriotio song for us™—MUSICA
We've got one—Ed.
Misinformation Editor:—Kindly tell me what “Pro Patria” means tg
each individual—STUDENT,
It depends considerably on the Individual, whether he le
hoarding hides or beef or eggs or sugar or making munitions or
Just wearing khak!—Ed.
Editor and Sir:—What's to finally become of poor Finland *—X.
One Is tempted to remark, but restrained only through great
seif-control, that It will doubtiess Finnigh free.—Ed. %
Dear Mr, Editor:—We are discussing the great question of non
sasentials at our weekly meeting of the Cosmic Urge Boclety, Please tel]
us the most non-essentia]l thing you know.—GUSSIE.
A Cosmic Urge Soclety.—Ed.
Dept, Misinformation, Bir:—How many men have we in ¥rance
sow I—FRITZ,
Aw—we wen't tell yer, If we did you'd probably run and
tattie It to the Kalser—Ed,
Misinformatien Department Editer:—in England they pin whits o 1
yellow ribbons on the slackers, Wouldn't {t better to make them wear
some sort of a uniform? And what would be the best color uniform ?—J.
Khaki.—Ed.
A
My Dear Editer:—They say that every generation is hetter off than
the one preceding. Is that true?—STUDENT.
No, bables born now will be unfortunate because they will
have to listen to all of us old folks say, “| remember back during
the big war in Eurepe)'—Ed.
Dear Mister Editor:—Ain't it geing te be awful hard on us schelars
in & year or twao when we have to study histery and get se mueh more
of it than you did ?—SCHOLAR.
Possibly, but think of the size of the histories a million years
from now!—Ed. \
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War Is Terrible on the Poor Fish
| ' #~NONSIDER the poor little porgie
| C down in the ocean depths.
| War {s turrible for him.
' Every time he wiggle he ll' tall
| it may be for the last time.
! It is also awful for the Siberian
weakfilsh, the flounders, the sea
| horse, the Jewfish and the blind
| robin.
| Any fish dealer can, and will, tell
| you fish have leaped in price to
thirty cents a pound. Even gold
| fish never retailed for that price
| before the war.
Adolph W. Goldfoogle, the emi
. nent butcher and fisherer who con
| ducts a shop near an Uneertain
i American port, and who, in his re
marks, voices the explanation which
‘ is made by every one of his kind,
| explains the high price of fish as
‘ follows:
] The Capital City Clarion
If you see It In
The Clarion, it may
be so.
VOL. L
HOUND DOG INDUSTRY IN NORTH GEORGIA IS BOOMING
‘ y
‘SHEEP PEST
END, REPORT
By WILLY BALTHALL.
A . report has just been
made public by a subcom
mittee of the Meat Supply
Commission, showing the
operation of the board to en
ccvrage the hound dog In
dustry in Nortk Georgia.
The report ocovers 17
pages. It shows that the in-
Austry {s growing in “leaps
and bounds.” Nearly every
family in North Georgla is
now engaged In ralsing one
or more variety of hound
dogs, Travelers assert that
in passing the modest homes
of citizens in the mountain
ous reglons of North Geor
gia frequently ag many as
fifteen lop-eared hounds will
eome out to greet them,
For a while it was feared
that the ‘‘sheep pest” would
interfere with the raising of
Pounds for the market, hui
ndications are now that tha
shecp have been externvinat
ed in all except three coun
ties, Even in these coun
ties very few sheep are left;
and it is hogod that on the
first moonlight night, all the
honndg will be turned out
and the last sheep will be
killed, .
An ilnvestigation has heen
unier way' alming to find
out hew ‘‘the shaep \gest"
was introduced {into North
Georgla.. It {s supposed to
be the work of a German
agent. A citizen of Townhes
County remembers having
teen a stmu'gar of foreign
appearance in that seetion
{uat hefore the entrance of
he United States into the
war, This stranger was
heard to say, “Germany vill
send more sheeps to dis
country.”
A report of this ocourrenes
was sent to the State De
partment in Washington,
with a verbatim account of
she stranger's words. De
partment experts were set
o work to de-code the
strange saying: after a eon- |
siderable lapse of time, the
following message was sent
by the State Department te |
the committee of loeal oitl
zens: *“1 think he meant
ships.”-- Lansing,
“It is on account of the war. You
know how it is with golf balls going
up on account of the war, well, it is
the same with fish, only different.
You see fish aro scarce.’ Lots of
things have been happening to fish,
All those subfnarines scooting
around under water and letting off
torpedoes have killed millions of
fish. I don’t know how many mfll
fons, but I have read. Also, the
recent cold snap, which was also
on account of the war, being
brought about by the chilly rela
tions exlsting in Europe, killed off
millions more fish. The water got
80 cold in the ocean, they froze to
death. Where there used to be a
million fish, now it is only a few,
already. War 18 turrible on the
ssh.” %
ATLANTA, GA.,. FEBRUARY 10, 1918,
FAMOUS MEN DEVELOPED BY
THE WAR
By A MILITARY EXPERT.
While we flinch at the
horrors of the present great
war, with its stings of per
sonal sacrifice culllng for hot
carn muffins instead of the
ocustomary putty known as
baker's bread; that demand
the eating of Bpanish mack
erel or Tennessee turkey or
even fried chicken instead of
Texas steer; that require us
to take a full holiday and
spend each Monday with our
familles—when we flinch at
these horrors, ladles and
gents, let us not forget the
oconstructive side of the great
confliot.
Think of the great men the
war has brought to the front
—not the front where thay
might be mqst effective, per.
haps, as the% gazed down the
{)rostfl barrel of an Hnfield—
ut the front where they will
be most known, the lime
light, so to speak; the covet
od_r{‘ront page.
ink of the hitherte un
known lecturers that have
ocomse forward, empty-handed
and perhaps emgty-heu!ed‘
to return te their native
heath aftar a Routhern tour,
}:‘P‘\!eir }aockatl bulging with
ber{ bonds, banknotas
and pleces of silver. (The
Libarty bonds can be dis
counted.) Think of them,
Do yeu realize that right -
here in Atlanta we have had
the privilege, if not Plen
ure, of hearing probably the
largest number of unknowns
that ever g.nsled a collee
tion plate, For instanoce: |
ALGERNON FISHFIN;
Mr, Fishfin's flarlnq pesters
admit that he halla from
Liberty, Nebraska. The city
directory of leert{. how
exer, which has not been re. .
vised since before the war
started, states that the only
f‘lshnn known there general.
Y went by the front name of |
“Algy,”” a yvoung man about
town who was second as
sistant horseshoer at Jeff
Helms' blacksmith shop. |
Be that as it may. Mr
Fishfin spoke here hefore tho
Boelety of Bterling Old
Boobs, a plonear organization
of literary )Igms.» His gub
ject was ‘‘After the War—
What?"' a most nrl‘xlnnl and
novel tople at this time. The
celebrated lecturer held his
rudlenva spellbound for more
han an hour ag he spoke on
everything In general and
the free silver campalgn in
wal '\ At \
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The fish are discouraged. What
is the use of bringing up large
familles when said families won’t
be safe under ten fathoms of water?
Even the whales are unhappy.
Hvery now and them you hear of
one being shot when mistaken for
& U-boat. The Atlantic Ocean,
which was once a quiet, happy
home, has become a maelstrom of
frightfulness.
Of course the peopls generally
don’t find out these things until the
butchers tell them, which is the
surest way to get news of that sort.
If the war keeps up another year
the only fish left will be those in
the aquarium if the stories of the
Jealers are correct, and doubtless
they are.
We love to believe fish storics
these days.
particular. He coneluded his
wonderful words with this
great question: ‘“After the
War—What?"'
KELLY AND O'DOWD:
These two gentlemen were
brought here by the Amer
can Antl-Buri\ary Society.
Beilng accomplished ecracks
men of the first water, how
ever deep that {s, they had
been chased out of thelr
home State and came to
Georgla, where the piekin's
were good. They gave first,
hand stories of the horrors
of burglary, nhowln‘f lantern
slides that gave in detail the
easiest manner to crack a
box. If it hapfenod to be a
Rogers safe they advised
stealing safe and all. Only
members of the soclety were
present to hear the speak
ers, whose faces resembled a
cross hetween that of a
Bolshevik and a plumber
whose day has been spent in
the coolness of a sewer.
After the address thers were
only eight watches, three
sparklers and seven wallets
missing. Which shows, as
the speakers sought to bring
out, that the world is grow
lngl better,
ORACE GRIER: Mr,
Grier was brought here un
der the auspices of the Mod.
est Order of Spacegrabbers,
at an expense of $14.75, said
to ha the greatesst price he
ever recelved under contract.
He was billed as considera
ble writer, having written
reveral notable works on
sclence, the Holy Roller re
liglon and the food value of
a raw sweet potato. How
ever, the only author by the
name of Grier on ar-ce;)ted
Itbrary lists was that of an
astronomer who used to issue
an ocoasional copy of Grier's
rlmanao. The celebrated
ecturer surprised his au.
dience by announcing he
- would gpeak on ‘“Armaged
} don."” He did, using the wori
frequently In a revised ver
slon of “Horatlus at the
Bridge.” At the conclusion
of the evening, a member of
the sedlusive audience asked
Mr. Grier to explain just whe
or what Armageddon was
He replled by saying that
that had nn(h]nf to do with
the case, recalling that Mt
Roosevelt once had ridden
xh{a columns for stick after
stick on account of some
mention of the word. |
Edited by M. T
Noodle and his able
assistants,
No. 37
Here's a real poem we
can’t refuse to publish. The
letter explaing everything
but the item ‘the usual
rates.”” The Clarion has. no
| knowledge of rates, usual or
unusual:
Douglas, Ga., Jan, 31, 1918.
Mr. Fuzzy ‘Woodruff,
Care Dudley Glass, .
Atlanta, éa.
As I have already asked
one favor of Mr, Glass, and
hence feel a little bit disin
clined to prevail further
upon his kind favorosity, I
am taklnf the liberty of ask-
Ing you It you wil be kind
erough to use your influence
with the editor of The Capi
fal City Clarion in behalft of
having him use my poem at
the usual rates. The poem
follows:
JUST SMILE.
When the vsollnctor calls
around, just smile,
When on your job you're
falling down, just amile;
When the weather's bitter
cold,
When you feel you're
Browing old,
Don't sit around and scold—
Just smile.
When the dentist pylls your
tooth, just smlls, |
When a burglar's on your
roof, just smile;
With your groceries glv
ing out, ‘
When your mind is filled
with doubt,
Don't sit around and pout—
Just smile,
When your favorite corn 111
mashed, just smile, |
When your ‘favorite dog s
‘‘hashed,” just smile; |
When some one just for fun
Makes you light a rag and
run,
Don't go and get your gun—
Just smile.
When your wages are de
creased, just smile,
When from your cash you
are released, just smile;
When your friends become
remote,
When the “kid” you have
to tote,
Don't let lhfilt get your goat;
ust smile.
. A. BUG.
I= o 0
iEm'lchmg ur
. Vocabulary
‘ & HY!” growled the grone
f Hat Mrs. Skimpum’s bosgg.
i ing house table, *
! thought there were three croquettey
on that platter a second ago!”
“Hush!” warned Miss Fitts, pou
line-fiedericking her eyes at him,
“Mr. Twinkle, the star boarder, bel
sheviked them just now!”
“Have a coffee cake, any one?
asked Mrs. Skimpum, passing the
plate so rapidly that no one comld
get a clutch at 1t
“That isn’t passing ‘em.” ocom
platned Mr. Jinks, “that's jue:
hoovering 'em.”
Miss Pounder tittered. She wae
at that moment dilile-Durking har
dimples at young Mr. Cuteleigh.
Just as she got him interested and
almost ready to invite her out to
the movies Miss Plumpieigh, the
cloak model, got tris attention and
within five minutes she had him
thedo-darg’d into inviting der to the
ice rink.
“Where’s Miss Primp?™ querisd
the grouch, who was somewhat
smitten with her. &
“In her room, probably maery
piokfording her curls” simpered
Miss Fittz.
At that moment Major Meßooze
entered suddenly, tripped on the
rug and charley-choplined across
the floor, while Mr. Cuteleigh went
to his room and john-drewed for
the ice rink party.
Mr. Twinkle passed his plate for
more ple and roosevelted hig teeth
to Mrs. Skimpum, who couldn’ re
sist him, and prioritied the last
piece his way. Miss Primp entered,
late as usual.
“I am afrald, my dear Miss
Primp,” gurgled Mrs. Skimpum,
that we have germaniged you
dinner——*
“lI should evatamguay,” scorned
Miss Primp; “I'll go out to the
lunch cart and w-Doat a real feed "
whereupon she Rhéndendurged back
to the hall and, putting on her
wraps, joffred on to the eats.
“Is this all we are going to get to
eat?’ corse-paytoned the grouch;
“well, wouldn't that gerfleldize
you!” ;
Major Mcßooze was quite prolix.
For ten minutes, without a let.up,
he williom-j-bryaned the boarders
until they yelled for gas masks and
over-the-topped for the parlor. Mr.
Hicks eddiefoyed a few gems, Mr
Twinkle tried to george-m-cohan a
popular song as an accompaniment
to the talking machine, and they
were having a trench of a time un
til Miss Fittz edisoned a game of
forfeits at which every one who
failed to guess her riddles was to
redcross a dime into the warfund
collection. Mr. Twinkle refused to
join, as he was johndeeing every
stray nickel for the big Spring
drive he intended to make with a
camouflage of yellow spats, yellow
gloves and shepherd plaid suit.
_ Cuteleigh came in and douglas
fairbanked over the centre table to
Miss Pounder, while Mr. Twinkle
8. 0. B.'d Mrs. Skimpum and fo!-
lowed her into the kitchen, where
he counter-attacked the remainder
of the croquettes. ;
Old Lew Dockstader,
.
at the Keith Theatres
WENT to the Bfltmore to dine
I the other day and as the waiter
came up I told him thet I had
only two dollars and asked what
he would suggest. He suggested
' another restaurant.
~ Bome time later I went into =
Broadway restaurant and ordered
thirty dollars worth of calves’ Mver.
“We don't serve half portions,” the
- waiter fired back at me.
I sure am a bellever in women
voting. Why shouldn’t they heave
the right of frenchise, I ask. Let
‘em vote. We don't have to comnt
‘em.
Wilson's name will go down In
history. He was the only man who
ever kept Teddy out of a fight!
Roosevelt has explored the wilds
of Africa, battled with the beasts of
the Amazon and lived for thirty
years at Oyster Bay. Talk about en
durance,
Teddy isn’t the only colonel we've
got. There’s Colonel Bryan. Bill
let a bull chase him half way
across the country. Would Teddy
do that? He’d throw it!
Look what Kerensky did 4 for
Russia, and look what Russia did
for Kerensky. And look at what
the Russlan women did. They
formed the Legion of Death. They
came back with 109 prisoners after
the first charge. The reason they
didn’t bring back any more must've
been because they had their wives
with ‘emi