Newspaper Page Text
Feb In
History
By J. J. Leibson
Wisdom from the Connecticut Almanack of 1817.
“The alternate chills and thaws of February represent ¢ long courtship,
ae ¢ beehMve does matrimony, for it is often empty and poor; sometimes
rich in wao, dut insipid in taste; and sometimes full of honey, but fre
gquently full of stings.”
BIRTHS AND DEATHS.
URING February great men came and went in pairs. Washington
and Lincoln were born in this month. Each added a full chapter
to the burdens of the American schoolboy, but compensatea him
with a holiday once a year,
Two legal lights went out ¢n February; Moses dled 1461 B. C., and
Blackstone 1780. The former was the first man to break the Ten Com
mandments, dashing them to the ground (Exodus, XXXII, 19).
Two famous explorers passed away, Hlisha Kane, who spent many
years in the Arctic regions, then got cold feet and died in Cuba, and
Captain Cook, whose name acted as a suggestion to the cannibals of
Hawail. The hula-hula girls were just crazy over him and smacked their
lips on the beach at Wai-KI-Ki.
Two artists died in this month, Sir Joshua Reynolds and Michael
Angelo. Michael was considered some punkins as an interior decorator
in those dark ages, but he was a rotten business man. ‘He drew down
less money for the Sistine Chapel than a modern furniture shark squeezes
out of a six-room apartment on the Drive. His statues of David and
Moses may have been big time stuff in the XVlth Century, but they lack
the realism of Barnard's Lincoln, the statue with the punch—you can
even see where Lincoln feels it
Three of England’s queens went into the discard in February. Kath
arine Howard, fifth matrimonial experiment of the amorous Henry VIII,,
was executed in 1642, while Lady Jane Grey, 16564, and Mary Queen of
Scots, 1687, were a littls ahead of their time and played polities; then
they sald “Good morning” to the headsman,
THE STAGE,
In February, 1886, Sarah Bernhardt started on her fourth farewell
tour, and John Drew celebrated the silver anniversary of his debut on the
boards.
Joe Jefferson made his first appearance in Rip Van Winkle, Wash-
Angton Irving was in the audience and immediately cribbed the plot so
lils story. Some unimportant literary critics claim that the story ws&
written first.
In February, 1890, George M. Cohan made a hit at Tony Pastor’s in
“Running for Office” and got his salary increased to eighteen a week.
In this month Lillian Russell appeared in a special performance be
fore President John Adams, who conyldemd her an infant prodigy.
The Eden Musee was opened on Twenty-third street and for a time
could scarcely pay expenses, as people considered it too far up town.
CRIMES,
While out hunting in the Schwartzwald an officer in the train of
Kaiser Wilhelm, February 21, 1892, mistook his Emperor for a boar and
fired, but MISSED HIM,
Lucrezia Borgia distributed a few poison packages; Bluebeard scored
twice in this month; stiff linen collars were invented and cornmesl mush
was decreed human food.
FAMOUS ESCAPES,
On February 4, 1194, King Richard I gave the slip to his captors on
the Continent. Napoleon, February, 1815, escaped from Elba. And in
this month Jonah departed from the whale,
FICTION,
Sir Walter Scott began his Waverley Novels, which became the first
best sellers in English literature; a host of imitators are still producing
best smellers.
‘ In February Raspe completed Baron Munchausen; the first weather
indicators were published, and the first Summer hotel and boarding
house booklet appeared.
TEMPERANCE,
On February 28, 1736, a proposal was submitted to the House of Com
mons, in England, to levy a heavy tax on distilled liquors to prevent poor
people from drinking themselves to death. In those days it was a com-’
mon sight to see tavern signs that read, “Drunk for a penny; dead drunk
for twopence; clean straw free.”
_ln 1797 the poet, Coleridge, wrote, “Water, water everywhers, nor
any drop to drink.” 8o we find conditions in England improved a bit,
though the poet exaggerated. Some of the nobility got drunk in those
.“." Just once; but that was all they needed—a good start. The rest of
the time they just STAYED drunk.
MISCELLANEOUS,
On February 21, 1341, Edward 111 took the title of King of France
after the battle of Sluys and quartered his arms with the motto, “Dieu et
Men Droit,” thus beating the Kaiser to a partnership with the Almighty
by almost six hundred years.
T. E. Powers, the famous cartoonist, discovered the Gazump on sale
at the Danbury Hardware Store. It could run to South Norwalk and back
eight times without winding. A few years later this model was slightly
fmproved in Detroit and became a Ford.
; Matter of Life and Death.
THIRE had been a long silence in the dim-lit room. The atmosphcire
was tense, :
“Edith,” said the young man at last, breaking the silence, “I have a
question to ask you—an important one.”
“Y.y-yes, Tom?"” faltered the young lady.
“l—]—l—well, anyhow, my name's going to be printed in the paper
soon, and I—l—l wondered whether it would be among the deaths or—or
among the marriages, along with yours?”
Exact Science.
THI famous botanist was pacing slowly along the country road. his
: eyes, as usual, roaming from side to side for new plants to study,
Suddenly an eager look swept across his features, and he leaned
over the low fence enclosing a cottage garden. He had found a plant
be did not know.
What could it be? If only he had a specimen of it to study!
At that moment a shock-headed lad strolled along the road cnd
stopped to gaze open-mouthed at him,
“l say!"” called the botanist, urgently., “See that plant there—that
pale pink one in the corner? Do you know it?”
“Aye,” sald the country boy, briefly,
“What's its name? Do you know what family it belongs to?”
The lad jerked a grubby thumb over his shoulder toward the lillle
cottage as he spoke more briefly still:—
. “Higginses!”
HEARSI’S SUNDAY AMERICAN - A Newspaper lor People Who Think — SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 1918
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Our Bureau of
Isinformation
EDITOR:-—-Wmhm Hohenzollern was 69 years old om Js. 27. How
old will he be Jan. 27, 1919?—BIOGRAPHER.
Bill will probably age about twenty years befers Jan. 27,
1919.—Ed,
Dear Bir:—What is a bolsheviki? Do you cook it in a samovar o)
Low?—CONSTANT READER.
A bolsheviki is something that apparently starts in a frying
pan and has two guesses—to come out German fried or into the
fire, there being no choice as to the done-to-a-frazzle result.—Ed.
Mr, Editor:—Have read in your paper considerable about the Anzacs
Have studied every natural history and anthropology but find no refer
ence to such a tribe. Are they savage?—PROFESSOR X,
You ought to see them going “over the top.”—Ed.
Misinformation Department:—Have studied national, international
financial, economic, political, domestie and military conditions thoroughly
yet found fiothing that will answer this questic, “What makes food s
high?"—QUESTIONNAIRE.
The price.—Ed.
Sir:—Just read that the French women are wearing their skirt
lofiger. Is there any real good reason for this?—MODISTE.
Sure—a great scarcity of skirts over there.—Ed.
Mr. Editor of Bureau:-—I ask you, is there any reason in the worls
why Russia should be howling for @ hundred thousand pairs of shoes?
- —INDIGNANT.
: You Bet there Is. They are mighty anxious to be in almost
anybody else’s shoes.—Ed. a
-
Editor:—What is an embargo? Give a definition that I will under
~ Btand, not an academic or tec?nica] one.—~BENEDICT.
When wife says, “Nothing doing on that sit-up-with-a-sick
friend stuff tonight.”—Ed.
Dear Mr. Editor:—Would it be possible for some of us girls to ge!
fnto the war tgo form, like the Russian women, a “battalion of death”}
—MURIEL. -
. Quite easy. Get a lot of your girl friends together and go
| over and cook for the German soldiers.—Ed.
|
| Bir:—Why doesn’t someone write a patriotic song for us?—MUSICA
| We've got one.—Ed.
I Misinformation Editor:—Kindly tell me what “Pro Patria” me;{u to
each individual—STUDENT,
It depends considerably on the Individual, whether he is
hoarding hides or beef or egge or sugar or making munitions or
Just wearing khaki.—Ed.
Editor and Sir:—What's to finally become of poor Finland ?—X,
One ls tempted to remark, but restralned only through great
self-control, that It will doubtiese Finnish free.—~Ed. .
, Dear Mr, Editor:—We are discussing the great question of non.
essentlals at our weekly meeting of the Cosmic Urge Soclety. Please tel)
us the most non-essential thing you know.—GUSSIE.
A Cosmic Urge Boolety.—Ed.
Dept, Misinformation, Sir:—How many men have we in France
aow —FRITZ,
Aw—we weon't tell yer. If we did you'd probably run and
tattle It to the Kalser.—Ed.
S
Misinformation Department Editor:—ln England they pin white o 1
yellow ribbons on the slackers. Wouldn't it better to make them wear
tome sort of a uniform? And what would be the best color uniform?—lJ.
Khaki.—Ed.
My Dear Edltor:—'l‘het‘ay that every generation is better off thap
the one preceding. Is that §ue?—STUDENT.
No, bables born now will be unfortunate because they will
have to listen to all of us eid folks say, “| remember back during
the big war In Eurepe."—Ed.
Dear Mister Editor:—Ain’t it going te be awful hard on us scholars
in & year or two when we have to study history and get so much more
I, of it than you did ?—SCHOLAR. :
Possibly, but think of the size of the histories a million years
frem nowl—Ed,
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War Is Terrible on the Poor Fish
ONSIDER the poor little porgie
C down in the ocean depths.
War is turrible for him.
Every time he wiggle he lil' tail
it may be for the last time,
It is also awful for the Siberian
weakfish, the flounders, the sea
horse, the Jewfish and the blind
robin.
Any fish dealer can, and will, tell
you fish have leaped in price to
thirty cents a pound. Even gold
fish never retailed for that price
before the war.
Adolph W. Goldfoogle, the emi
nent butcher and fisherer who con
ducts a shop near an Uncertain
American port, and 'who, in his re
marks, voices the explahation which
is made by every one of his kind,
explaing the high price of fish as
follows:
The Capital City Clarion
If you see it In
The Clarion, it may
be so.
VOL. L
HOUND DOG INDUSTRY IN NORTH GEORGIA IS BOOMING
¢ "y
SHEEP PEST
END, REPORT
By WILLY BALq’HALL.
A report has just been
made public by a subcom
mittee of the Meat Supply
Commission, showing the
operation of the board to en
ccvrage the hound dog In
dustry In North Georgla.
« The report - covers 17
pages. It shows that the In-
Austry 18 growing In “leaps
and bounds.” Nearly every
family in North Georgia is
now engaged In raising ona
or more varfiely of hound
dogs, Travelers assert that
in passing the modest homes
of citizens in the mountain
ous regions of Nortli Geor-
Ria frequently as many as
fifteen lop-eared hounds will
come out to greet them. -
For a while it was feared
that the ‘'sheep pest” would
interfere with the raistng of
heunds for the market, bul
indications are now that the
shecp have been externunal
ed In all execept three coun
ties. KEven {n these coun
ties very few sheep are left;
and it Is hoped that on the
Arst moonllgfit night, all the
hounds will be turned out
ond the last sheep will be
killed.
An investigation has been
unier way alming to find
out how ‘“the sheep pest’
was Introduced into North
Georgla, It is supposed to
be the work of a German
agent, A citizen of Townes
County remembers having
seen A& stranger of foreign
appearance {n that sectfon
Jjust before the entrance of
the United States into the
war. This stranger w=s
heard to say, “Germany vill
send more sheeps to dis
~ountry.”
A report of this occurrence
was sent to the State De
partment in Washington,
with a verbatim account of
the stranger’'s words. De
rartment experts were set
to work to de-code the
siranges saying; 'after a con
siderable lapge of time, the
following message was sent
by the State Depariment to
the committee of local citi
zens: “I think he meant
ships."—Lansing.
“It is on account of the war. You
know how it is with golf balls going
up on account of the war, well, it is
the same with fish, only different.
You see fish are scarce. Lots of
things have been happening to fish.
All those submarines scooting
around under water and letting off
torpedoes have killed millions of
fish. I don't know how many mill
ions, but I have read. Also, the
recent cold snap, which was also
on account of the war, being
brought about by the chilly rela
tions existing in Europe, killed off
millions more fish. The water got
so cold in the ocean, they froze to
death. Where there used to be a
milllon fish, now it is only a few,
already. War is turrible on the
fish.”
- A Journal of Uplift
ATLANTA, GA.,, FEBRUARY 10, 1918
FAMOUS MEN DEVELOPED BY
THE WAR
By A MILITARY EXPERT. .
While we flinch at thoe
horrors of the present great
war, with its stings of per
sonal sacrifice calling for hot
corn muffins Instead of the
customary putty known as
baker's bread; that demand
the eatlr:lg of Spanish mack
erel or Tennessee turkey or
even fried chicken instead of
Texas steer; that require us
to take a full hollday and
spend each Monday with our
families—when we flinch at
theses horrors, ladles and
gents, let us not forget the
constructive side of the great
~conflict.
Think of the great men the
- war%has brought to the front
—not the front where they
I might be most effective, per.
haps, as they gazed down the
frosty barrel of an Enfleld—
but the front where they will
be most known, the lime
' light, so to speak; the covet
front page.
ilnk of the hitherto un
known lecturers that have
come forward, empty-handed
and perhaps empty-headed.
to return to their native
heath after a Southern tour,
thair pockets bulging with
Liberty bonds, banknotes
and pleces of silver. (The
Liberty bonds can he dis
counted.) Thlnkmg: them,
Do you realize at right
here in Atlanta we have had
the privilege, if not pleas
ure, of hearing probably the
largest number of unknowns
that ever g‘nssed a collec
tion plata, or Instance:
ALGERNON FISHFIN:
Mr, Fishfin's flarlnlf pcsters
admit -that he halls from
Liberty, Nebraska. The city
directory of Liberty, how
exer, which has not heen re.
vised since before the war
started, states that the only
Fishfin known there general
ly went by the front name of
‘““‘Algy,”” a young man about
town who was second as
sistant horseshoer at Jest
Helms' blacksmith shop.
Re that as it may. Mr
Fighfin spoke here before tho
Rociety of Sterling OIA
Boobs, a pioneer organization
of literary lights. His sub
ject was ‘“‘After the War—
What?"" a most original and
novel topic at this time. The
celebrated lecturer held his
eudlience speilbound for more
than an heur as he spoke on
everything in general and
the free silver campaign in
wal ' ALt
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The fish are discouraged. Wha?
is the use of bringing up large
families when said familles won’t
be safe under ten fathoms of water?
Even the whales are unhappy.
Every now and then you hear of
one being shot when mistaken for
a U-boat. The Atlantic Ocean,
which was once a quiet, happy
home, has become a maelstrom of
frightfulness.
Of course the people generally
don’t find out these things until the
butchers tell them, which is the
surest way to get news cf that sort.
If the war keeps up another year
the only fish left will be those in
the aquarium if the stories of the
dealers are correct, and doubtless
they are.
We love to believe fish storizs
these days.
particular. He concluded his
wonderful words with this
great question: ‘“After the
War—What?* 1
KELLY AND O'DOWD:
These two gentlemen were
brought here by the Ameri
can Antl-Burglary Society.
Being accomplished cracks
men of the first water, how
ever deep that is, they had
been chased out of their
home State and came to
Georgia, where the pickin's
were good. They gave first,
hand stories of the horrors
of burglary, showing lantern
slides that gave in detafl the
easiest manner to crack a
box. If it happened to be a
Rogers safe they advised
stealing safe and all. Only
members of the society were
present to hear the speak
ers, whose faces resembled a
cross between that of a
Bolshevik and a plumber
whose day has been spent in
the coolness of a sewer.
After the address there were
only eight watches, three
sparklers and seven wallets
missing. Which shows, as
the speakers sought to bring
out, that the world {s grow
ing better,
HORACE GRIER: Mr,
Grier was brought here un
der the auspices of the Mod
est Order of Spacegrabbers.
at an expense of $14.75, said
to be the greatest price he
ever recelved under contract.
He was billed as considera
ble writer, having written
reveral notable works on
science, the Holy Roller re
liglon and the food value of
a raw sweet potato. How
ever, the only author by the
name of Grier on accepted
library lists was that of an
astronomer who used to issue
an occasional copy of Grier's
Almanac. The celebrated
lecturer surprised his au.
dience by announcing he
would speak on ‘““Armaged
don.” He did, using the wori
frequently in a revised ver
sion of “Horatius at the
Bridge.” At the conclusion
of the evening, a member of
the seclusive audience asked
Mr. Grier to explain just who
or what Armageddon was.
He replied by saying that
that had nothing to do witn
the case, recalling that Mr
Roosevelt once had riddew
the columns for stick after
stick on account of some
mention of the word.
Edited by M. T
Noodlie and his able
assistants,
No. 37
Here's a real poem/ we
can't refuse to publish. The
letter explaing everything
but the item ‘“the usual
rates.” The Clarion has no
knowledge of rates, usual or
unusual:
Douglas, Ga., Jan, 31, 1918.
Mr. Fuzzy Woodruff,
Care Dudley Glass,
Atlanta, éa.
As I have already asked
one favor of Mr. Glass, and
hence feel a little bit disin
clined to prevail further
upon his kind favorosity, I
am takinf the liberty of ask-
Ing you if you will be kind
erough to use your influence
with the editor of Thae Capi
fal City Clarion in behalf of
“having him use my poem at
the usual rates. The poem
follows:
JUST SMILE.
When the collector calls
around, just smile,
When on your Job you're
falling down, just smile;
When the weather's bitter
cold,
When you feel you're
growing old,
Den'’t sit around and scold—
Just smile,
When the dentist pulls your
tooth, just smile,
When a burglar's on your
roof, just smile;
With -vour grocerles giv
ing out, -
When your mind is filled
with deoubt,
Don’t sit around and pout—
Just smile,
-
When your favorite corn is
mashed, just smile,
When your favorite dog is
‘‘hashed,” just smile;
When some, one just for fun
Makes you light a rag and
run,
Don’t go and get your gun—
just smile.
Wten your wages are de
creased, just smile.
‘When from your cash you
are released, just smile:
When your friends become
remote,
When the “kid” you have
to tote,
Dgn’t let that get your goat;
Just smile.
\ A. BUG.
E . on u
nriching Our
Vocabulary
i BY!” growled the grounch
I-I at Mrs. Skimpum's boami.
ing house table,
thought there were three croquettag
on that platter a second ago!”
“Hush!” warned Miss Fittz, pau.
line-yedericking her eyes at him,
“Mr. Twinkle, the star boarder, bol.
~ sheviked them just now!”
“Have a colfefi cake, any one?
~asked Mrs. Skimpum, passing the
plate so rapidly that no one could
get a clutch at it.
| “That Isn’t passing ’'em,” com
~ plained Mr. Jinks, “that's just
~ hoovering ’em.”
| Miss Pounder tittered. She was
I at that moment billie-burking her
~ dimples at young Mr. €uteleigh.
I Just as she got him interested and
| almost ready to invite her out to
the movies Miss Plumpleigh, the
cloak model, got his attention and
within five minutes she had him
theda-bara'd into inviting her to the
ice rink.
“Where's Miss Primp?” queried
the grouch, who was somewhat
smitten with her.
“In her mgbm, probably mary
pickfording her curls,” simpered
Miss Fittz.
At that moment Major Mcßooze
entered suddenly, tripped on the
rug and charley-chaplined across
the floor, while Mr. Cuteleigh went
to his room and john-drewed for
the ice rink party.
Mr. Twinkle passed his plate for
more ple and roosevelted his teeth
to Mrs. Skimpum, who couldn’t re
sist him, and prioritied the last
piece his way. Miss Primp entered,
late as usual.
“l am afraid, my dear Miss
Primp,” gurgled Mrs. Skimpum,
that we have germanized you
dinner—"
“I should evatanguay,” scorned
Miss Primp; “I'll go out to the
lunch cart and u-boat a real feed,”
whereupon she hindendurged back
to the hall and, putting on her
wraps, joffred on to the eats,
“Is this all we are going to get to
eat?’ corse-paytoned the grouch;
“well, wouldn't that garfieldize
you!”
Major Mcßooze was quite prolix.
For ten minutes, without a let-up,
he william-j-bryaned the boarders
until they yelled for gas masks and
over-the-topped for the parlor. Mr,
Hicks eddiefoyed a few gems, Mr.
Twinkle tried to george-m-cohan a
popular song as an accompaniment
to the talking machine, and they
were having a trench of a time un
til Miss Fittz edisoned a game of
forfeits at which every one who
failed to guess her riddles was to
redcross a dime into the warfund
collection. Mr. Twinkle refused to
join, as he was johndeeing every
stray nickel for the big Spring
drive he intended to make with a
camouflage of yellow spats, yellow
gloves and shepherd plaid suit.
Cuteleigh came in and douglas
fairbanked over the centre table to
Miss Pounder, while Mr. Twinkle
8. 0. B'd Mrs. Skimpum and fol
lowed her into the kitchen, where
he counter-attacked the remainder
of the croquettes.
Old Lew Dockstader,
.
at the Keith Theatres
WENT to the Biltmore to dine
I the other day and as the walter
came up I told him that I had
only two dollars and asked what
he would suggest. He suggested
another restaurant,
Bome time later I went into &
Broadway restaurant and ordered
thirty dollars worth of calves’ liver.
“We don’t serve half portlons,” the
~ Waiter fired back gt me,
I sure am a believer in women
voting. Why shouldn’t they have
~the right of franchise, I ask. Let
’em vote. We don’t have to count
; lem. .
I Wilson’s name will go down in
‘ history. He was the only man who
ever kept Teddy out of a fight!
I Roosevelt has explored the wilds
| of Africa, battled with the beasts of
the Amazon and lived for thirty
years at Oyster Bay. Talk about en
durance,
Teddy isn't the only colonel we've
got. There’'s Colonel Bryan. Bill
let a bull chase him half waz
across the country. Would Teddy
do that? He’q throw it!
Look what Kerensky did for
Russia, and look what Russia did
for Kerensky. And look at what
‘the Russian women did. They
formed the Legion of Qeath. They
came back with 109 prisoners after
the first charge. The reason they
didn't bring back any more must've
been.because they had their wives
with ‘em}