Newspaper Page Text
A L.ttl ’ h.
Little o' This and
Little o’ Th
HE shirt of Nessus Is upon me."—Anton
* v and Cleo
i l ' Soond 9. patra, Act, IV,
- 8o fhey mixed up the laundry in those days, too.
Mr. Jones got his telephone bill on the first mo!
rning delive n
the gl:t t:' the m::th. He didn't rush to pay it. 5 e
e fifth, Mr. Jones sent a note to the company, saying: *
me again.” g T
Ten days later, having recetved no response, he jotted another mote
to the company, saylng: “Are you stilk walting?”
: On the twenty-fifth, Mr. Jones got a second bill from the company.
ile sent back another note, saying: “My bank account is busy.”
The third request for payment came on the first of the tollowing
month, but Mr. Jones merely wrote on it: “I lon’t answer” and sent it
back,
The fifteenth day of the second month brought notice that Mr. Jones
would have to pay or his service would be discontinued. So Mr. Jones,
having a sense of humor and a great deal of patience, dispatched a
check for payment in full, along with a little note which said: “My
mistake. Wlll you please excuse it?” 4
They tell us cloth is scarce.
But what we want to know is what they did with all those red
pants they took off the French army some time ago.
“Good for Man or Beast. A Sure Cure for Lumbago,” was the motto
on the label of a bottle. A Rhode Island man took a dose of the stuft
and it cured his lumbago all right .«
The funeral was held from the house.
OUR “MISSING VERSE” CONTEST. ‘
Here's your chance, lyric writers, to build a tearful group of verses ‘
around appended refrain. No prizes offered, but you may have the
great sense of self-satisfaction coming from your being recognized nn}
a song writer. The chorus glves you the motif for the lyric, tempo,‘
rhythm and rhetorfc. The verses and the pfot are clear up to you.
For your information and guidance, be advised that the plot hinges
around a “flivver,” carrying a can of nitro glycerine, meveral road house
stops, and a driver who had never joined the church.
HERE IS THE CHORUS.
“There are no remains here to send you,”
: The short, cruel telegram read,
“We're afraid you won't bury
“Poor Mike in a hurry,
“Altho’ it's quite plain that he's dead.
“We've hunted in vain for some token
“To send to you—you were his friend;
“We've looked all around,
‘“But there’s nothing we've found,
“For the nitro left nothing to send.”
N. B—ls you have a frlend who is a composer, then collaborate.
It’s great sport and maybe the musio publisher will give you a couple
of prefessional copies. Then you're made.
TRAFFIC SIGNALS.
In order that the automobilists, wagon drivers, pedestrians and
others may understand the system of traffic signals now in use in cities
we have decided to publish them.
Signals given by traffic officers:
When signaling “Come on,” wiggle the ears vigorously and kick
three times with the left hind foot.
When signaling “Stand still,” scratch the left ear and reach around
to the hip pocket for a chew of tobacco. .
When signaling “Turn to the right,” wiggle the right elbow slightly
and place left thumb in watch pocket. .
When signaling “Turn to the left,” tap pavement gently with left
foot and wiggle the upper lip.
When signaling “Back up,” wiggle little finger on right hand and
rub left foot against right shin.
Any automobilist who can remember these signals will get into
no trouble.
THE WAY OF A WOMAN.
AT SIX she tussed her pretty curle and decided to marry little
Micky McCarthy because he could stand on his head.
AT TWELVE she decided that she would never marry, but enter a
nunnery.
AT SIXTEEN she wanted to marry John Drew.
AT EIGHTEEN she decided to marry a sad-eved foreign violinist.
AT TWENTY she fell madly in love with a gray-haired broker.
©, AT TWENTY-FIVE she rather hoped a young college chap would
propose.
AT THIRTY she had her eye on a certain man worth three millions.
AT THIRTY-THREE she looked on every man as & possible chance.
AT THIRTY-FOUR she married Alderman Michael J. McCarthy, a
successful contractor and more successful politician.
Se e B
. Ambiguous.
T is said that a gravestone bears this inscription:
‘ “Here lies the body of Samuel Holden, who died suddenly lng l
unexpectedly by being kicked to death by & cow. Well done, good an |
faithful servant!”
Just as Good. i
R. SPUFFINSTEIN and his little son were walking down thoe! ;1;1 y
M street the other day when & large poster caught the eye
Tkey.
y“htdder!" he cried, “give me & penny Fo go and see the sea
serpent.” i te
“Vasteful poy!” exclaimed his parent. g to; 'dy : :::::y"
gee a seaserpent. Here's a magnifyingglass; go and fin i
Located. i
CHICAGO man tells of calling on 2 young lady very early one Spring
A morning. He had come in his Dig automobile and he wanted it:
i ; try. A little gir
give the young lady a morning spin through the country
the young lady’s neice, answered the bell
“Is your auntie in?” asked the man. g
“Yes, sir.” S
“That's good. Where is she’ . over the
#She’s up-stairs,” sald the little girl, “in her nightie, looking
banisters.”
~ Lucky. |
) from Nephew Harry, that's gone to
NCLE JOSH: Here's a letter . 's a family
U Africa, and says that within twenty rods o his house tlaero B
‘o’ laughing hyenas. , ighbors, anyway—
His Wife—Well, I am glad he's got pleasant meix
«
that's something.
te Beginning.
’ An Unfofgufnaé for mginrst wgeek'a housekeeping
A‘ YOUNG miner got married, the good round sum of sl. The girl,
. expenses he gave - %ml 3 cheerfully, and that week they lived
to his surprise, accepted the dollar ¢
sbundantly enough, albelt ,pb;mty};e miner doled out only half a dollar.
80, for the secont T n= o told him what she thought of his
Then his wife went for him. S 3 with her indignation. The miner,
meanness. The house b e his hat and stalked out, mutter
in the midst of the storm, clapped on s
ing: -the first week.”
" “l see what's the matter here. I spoiled ye
HEARST’'S SUNDAY AMERICAN
P TR f R AR Net SiR . e NI A 10l
S : o R T R B
ENOR. PEDRO RAPAEL DB Los Huevos g SAMBON * <c @ e AR SRRt @&’mfl&:
0P GUADALATARA , AAD OTHER. MEXICAX PARTS, Q we e S R A SWi L B
e N oT s o Ao g o TSR ,»fi,\’ff@;}a’ O B s
ESTABLISHES IN (JCOANINO COUATY A_mS‘wbw - " | mg.;?g;.f T /
BSCO, AND HAS MOLDED FRIW THE RO e V) 4 i
M%&'? DoBY OF ~THE ‘DESIERTO P/ATADO : : l o L o '2l/ y
MANY PLASTIC MASTBRPIECES = 8 0 S ) TE e
_. & o B 3 N TR
No.l. ATAX DERY/NS THE. ook : - o % 6’“ 2 o Il B |
m'i' THs WELCOMR. A N(1 o 4,.@' TN ol R ; @, 7 e
A 0 THE DAWA) OF AN [DEA. J . i Sl go(7 %-g ) /,‘% | ,” ”“
ANo.Yy. THE MAIDEA'S APPRAL. R(7 9% :{fj/,,‘;,.,n/ % ey (T ' ‘v:ta A ‘
N 0.5. THE GROGSY GLADIATOR.. R ‘.»'.”"' ~ : ol 1]
no" EGULM/THE QAMAN fi 6;', -y = .‘-’“ g “ "' “i‘ ~»—-F~/.\ e \
L. ; "”" i , i - LR ‘ 0o "
, Baliaus . ® -
~iACKRE ) 77688 WONDERFULC I R
W pus Tme The SEAOR.. /J@—% L /&%Ages / ’ ? !) oy
Wik THE TRUE ARTIST'S B 'fiy Me._ I} ( R
SIMPBEWS Mgfisw o) \ ‘
PERMITS THE ELITE, AND % 4 AE/NT ® ' A ’ : h ;
Tug GRATBEC OF (OCOAINO 2% ! QIZLLAg‘wT. - A o P\%
TSy e YR o 7 SR Sy PV
or sA- 41 Reoeo)@ T »(3 L) By
AMO&G’ —[;"EM PE’ i o ] A '.. % // ~"“ . /“;T ’ r».; :‘,’j g‘l ; L
B'Ug ONE WHO "E,i AH/ ’ Pep ’; b g&’-“ fi6\T —— . }’v
BATHUSES - R—— P v 3] ) ¢ i
Alor. : ;:"‘ & . "-n . .
SETTUN Li o W : / -
| :
el YL :
R
= a 8 ,
".fl‘%‘m‘;’;@.@-ifiqyfllfll:fl’ , u ! U’
. ’e', @ —_— R 7/ AT
4 e ‘:: : . i / -LN «//W{y/' . TR
. ‘ - T 0 T S
(A A e = Ne /) L o
N TBy sblo Sl
== 1o = i % Sy Zolks 7% L /\ "//' & e
‘; &/ i ~:———:~_‘v=-_-='-_-r‘?:—s‘:lfßzEfss; e OES RT 00l
b 0‘)) i d ‘»“_—'—lt“:‘_'—"?g.“ ;’;5/; ',7 f—;_‘i'f el .“,T.o———:—:—‘::_._
o V|| iR, <,/ 1) RN oKTi 7= TByKB =
1\ gl . NS LRRY Ll
b comie ey AGL' | |iL [P %
%agg% L A ERRA \BRA SRy Qg Ay
LG |Be Voun Smgaene- <hald s SVOR. AT, oAR ey
} UR g \II MORE PRYDEAT TO HAVE ).~ 77
.Mooe(, AGAIN “a¢ o. .« THE SBAOR B.PUPP’ I /A
T\ oy 27 s CUNFR WY T, T sampalniT 44,
X B R R/M PNed -18
2 o Y. I Sy Tt
2 '] 0D ; Rl
z&l oy S ket T ,/__s/,/)‘,,‘,,) &%i ag"fl% ; -
2. o -“ . //'/’,
‘MANYANAA ©OR W MiEHT SAY, THe ‘Moßßow* — THE AAobeL’s RETURN ———mn
.
Victory Bread
B gets up In the fiornlng with a grouch.
H He has a tongue which feels like a ham.
He glances over the headlines in the morning papen
He finds out what has gone Wrong in the world.
He finds that practically nothing has gone right.
He should be used to it by this time, but isn’t.
He scowls when he goes to the breakfast table,
He notices a dark-colored loaf of bread.
He knows that his wife has baked the thing.
He is asked to eat it because it is Victory Bread.
He says he will not eat any Viétory Bread.
He is reminded that the President has ordained ft.
He repeats that he will not eat Victory Bread.
He stops at the bakery on his way to the train.
He orders some wheat bread sent to his house.
He {8 told they have no wheat bread.
He can have all the Victory Bread he wants,
He storms out of the place and catches his train.
He goes to lunch at his favorite restaurant.
He sees there is nothing but Victory Bread in sight,
He orders white bread and is told there is none.
,He(sees everybody else eating Victory Bread.
He observes that they all seem to enjoy it.
He says he hates it and vows never to eat ft,”
He returns to his office as hungry as a bear.
He finds severai large orders in his mall.
He reads the letters which accompany them.
He learns what troubles his customers have had,
He learns they are all plugging to win the war,
He begins to feel a little bit ashamed of himself.
He has not been even willing to give up white bread,
He goes home and finds & white loaf on the table.
He learns his wife has baked it just for him.
He sees all his family go after the Victory Bread.
He throws the white loaf out of the window.
He eats a whole loaf of Victory Bread.
He thinks it is the best bread he has ever eaten.
He goes to bed with a clear conscience.
He has sworn never to eat white bread again.
He is just an average American who is learning things.
¥ He is learning how to be a regular patriot.
— A Newspaper for People Who Think —
Krazy Kat
Krazy Kat and Ignatz Mouse Appear Every Day on The Georgian’s Comic Page
= . )VE GOt JUST THE)
BRI BRicrc You
‘ 7772 2522 4] 70077 1007 73 \WANY. #2557 :
& -
QUICK WELLY - THE.\ ' eL e
~PL [ Bt |AT o (e
BRICIt VYoU HAVE, YIS 0 If-,'}}é‘ N
PRICE A 0 OBYECT. !”L!‘-uf: Lh syl BRICKS
. g ) ?
. s },}.;fi‘ ? i
/4;/ (B o ;,&,./ r
Bg o\ | \ x
] Q':'d D @:O.,_‘b \ o N
W oy A Do pt. A = &
Our Bureau of Misinformation
DlTOß.—Before tobacco was discovered how did
E people furnish their houses?
INVESTIGATOR.
Probably used soap coupons—Ed.
Mr. Editor.—~Who was it that invented matri
mony? QUERY.
The responsible party never dared admit it.—Ed.
Miginformation Dep’t., Sir.—Dées the word “ver
boten” mean anything? LINGUIST.
It means about everything now, In Germany.—Ed,
Dear Editor—When a woman street car con
ductor passes a millinery shop window while run
ning her car should she lean out and look at the
display? E. LIZA.
No woman street car conductor has so far for
gotten herself as to do this. Thus far they
have stopped the car and gone over to the
/ window to have a good look and chat with
the motorlady about it—Ed.
Sir.—ln the time of the Cave Men and Women
there was no such thing as etiquette. How did it
start? ANTHROPOLOGIST.
In those days the women all wore the same kind
of dresses made from skins, and so they
couldn’t get each other envious and jealous
that way, consequently they began inventing
little fool customs to keep their women
friends guessing.—Ed.
Bureau Editor, Dear SBir.—Why.are we having
such a terrible cold Winter this geason? KICKER.
Because this is the season we always have Wln
ter.—Ed.
‘Dear Sir and Editor.—As soon as the war i 8 over
what will the newspaper print? STEWPID.
The fact thag the war Is over—Ed.
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 17, 1918.
By Herriman
: : ' OH \WELL, ART IS 50
. | FLEETINK THAT |
MIGHT AS WELL
PosE MYSELF ASA) /
: WOooADID /M
Lo N ;,,% ® GEZEWE) L 7
, & 9 :/,./ ) L
o 7 e 2 il
| p I o AU
. 8P &pr m"@_‘ ‘/ J ..///
sy T 4 L[} _ // o P 3‘ = —————
. -
o, 5
____A________&RRT‘JM —
| Misinformation Department.—l read that some
of the big Chicago meat packers had been hoarding
hides which made a leuthe’r gecarcity, and the cost of
shoes’ went up about 100 per cent. Why did they ‘do
it? ’ x
The reported hoarding of hides seems to us like
a rather mean sort of skin game.—Ed.
My Dear Editor—When a rich young man pro
poses to me what shall I do? MYRTLE '
Disobey that impuise to throw your arms areund
his neck and yell “YES,” and coyly tell him
to ask “Mamma’’—then warn Mamma not to
embrace the boob and yell “Yes,” but to scb
softly and consent—being sure not to forget
to make her consent quite clear and binding
In writing, # possible.—~Ed.
Sir.—lsn't it true that women waste a lot of
money on expensive and foolish hats? REFORMER,
Not only true, but sad.—Ed.
Dear Editor.—~What 13 a good course of Winter
reading? READER.
“Following the Equator” and Dante’s “Inferno,”—
Ed. ;
Bir—What are the people {n the South Sea Isl
ands doing about the war? .
Absolutely nothing.—Ed. Pl o
Misinfo.—ls there any money in pn'etry?
. ' PEGASUS
Possibly, but there’'s a thousand times .nore
poetry In money.—Ed.
My Dear Editor.—~Why {s it that John L. Sulli
van got ten times as long an obituary as a very
learned scientist who passed ony about the same
time? ! I. BROW
Undoubtedly he Interested ten times as many
people as the scientist—Ed. q&
3E
. s
Ecconermr_
A Compersishun
By Willie Joans g /
:"NCCONNERMY has' & Iot:d
b meenings, sutch as beln iap
excuse for your Pa and It
refuse to give a feller a nikek¥or
candy or a dime for the movies be -
camws it {s war time and everybiiddy
must praktiss ecconnermy.
It Is a word everybuddy is wesr
ing out thees days. Pa he yells n
vhen Ma she wants a new hat and
then Ma she yells it when Pa buys
v box of sigars.
The othur day we had some stuft
Ma called mok roast beaf. What
is It says Pa. Mol roast beat says
Ma. Its a durn poor mokker says
Pa. Its ecconnermy says Ma and
its made of veggertables. Whiered
you get them says Pa. I got them
at a grate bargin says Ma if #
wassnt for me ecconnermisln'\')n
woodent have nothin. I got them
in town. My go:)dnos says Pa 'n
must have been a hevvy lode:(or
you to carry hoaim I hoap you dont
think I'm a expres waggon says Ma
{ had them sert hoam. How mutch
sdys Pa. Awl they cost me au
atey cents says Ma. We couldnt
git a roast of beaf for that. How
mutch was the dellvery says Pa.
Onlie fifty centy says Ma. And
yure car fare to town was fa&io
cents round trip, whitch makes one
dollar and sevunty,cents and for
that I could get reel beaf wit?t
a mok in it.
But beaf {s so high says Ma and
veggertables fs go good for you. I
nevur heard of beaf hurting any
buddy says Pa. I aint verry muteh
stuck on this ecconnermy u&
Befoar we had that I used to git
twenty-five cents for shuvellin off
the snow and now Pa he givesYhe
orlle a dime becaws he says it is
ecconnermy.
Pa and Ma' went ovur to
Smithses on a visit and when tga;
gos hoam I hurd them talking abount
it. My gosh says Pa I bet you
mister Hoover cut that lam it Was
so thin [ could see the flq‘m !
through ft on my plate. .u& 1
guess Mister Garfeald bilt up rheir
furnise fire becaws I coodnt seal
no heet says Ma. And hqw long
sense we had nashunal proerbishyn
says Pa, why we had coktales ged
Ma. Then J gess it was boozaless
day says Pa becaws awl I tastéd
was water and a dash of orange
and bitturs, They are patreeotick
gays Ma and ecconnermisin. O
patreetissim says Pa what elng ds
committed fn thy name.
I got a new soot of cloathes mald
outer Pas last Winter soot. Ben
Swmith lnffed at me and | sod ft was
ecconnermy and he sed it was hand
me downs end now Ben (s ecconnen
misin in daylite as [ clossed boath
his eyes for him and that is aw] |
know about ecconnermy exsept I
aint stuck on it .
All Bull and a.
Column Wide
By Roy K. Moulton | -
loaf of bread, a flask of
A wine and thou,
Cut out the bread—
For Hoover's watching now.
A designer of overcoats says:
“Save your old overcoat. You'll
need it next Winter. They will
be scarce.”
Whoever heard of a scarcity of
old overcoats? Impossible! 4
Reading from’ Left to Right.
Matrimony, 2
Parsimony,
Alimony.
My Tuesdays are meatless,
My Wednesdays are sweetle .
My trousers are seatless—
Hooray! _
The original Long Island soupds .
T. R \
) ¢
Say, if we boycott all the Gert:l
music how are we going to get -
ried? ¢ |
Think of marching up the aisle
to “The Girl I Left Behind Me, or
“We Shall -Meet, but We Shall Mill
Him,” or “The Battle Hymn of the
Republie.” -
P < " ‘.
What has become of the old-fashe ‘*
ioned Nobel Peace Prize? ; %