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‘A Little o’ Thi d
ittle o 1S an
o )
a Little o’ That
‘,’l-VHP: shirt of Nessus is upon me."—Antony and Cleopatra, Act, IV,
Scene 18, &
80 they mixed up the laundry in those days, too,
Mr. Jones got his telephone bill on the first morning delivery on
the first of the month. He didn't.rush to pay it.
On the fifth, Mr. Jones sent a note to the company, saying: “Try
me again.” Ed
Ten days later, having recelved no responee, he jotted another note
to the company, saying: “Are you still walting?”
« On the twenty-fifth, Mr. Jones got a second bill from the company.
He sent back another note, saying: “My bank account i{s busy.”
The third request for payment came on the first of the following
month, but Mr. Jones mer¢ly wrote on {t: “I don’'t answer” and sent it
back. \
The fifteanth day of the second month brought notice that Mr, Jones
would have to pay or his service would be discontinued. Bo Mr. Jones,
having a sense of humor and a great deal of patience, dllqntchog a
check for payment in full, along with a little note which said: *“My
mistake. Wlll you please excuse it? g
They tell us cloth is scarce.
But what we want to know %z what they did with all those red
pants they took off the French army some time ago.
“Good for Man or Beast. A Sure Cure for Lumbago,” was the motto
on the label of a bottle. A Rhode Island man took a dose of the stuff
and it cured his lumbago all right -
The funeral was held from the house.
OUR *MISSBING VERSE” CONTEST,
Here's your chance, lyric writers, to bulld a tearful group of verses
around appended refrain. No prizes offered, but you may have the
great sense of self-satisfaction coming from your being recognized %a
a song writer. The chorus gfves you the motif for the lyrie, tempo,
rhythm and rhetorfo. The verses and the pfot are clear up to you.
For your information and guldance' be advised that the plot hinges
around a “filvver,” carrying a can of nitro glycerine, several road house
siops, and a driver who had never joined the church.
HERE 18 THE CHORUS,
“There are no remains here to send you"
The short, cruel telegram read, .
“We're afraid you won't bury '
“Poor Mike in a hurry, '
“Altho’ it's quite plain that he's dead.
“We've hunted in vain for some token
“To send to you-——you were his friend; '
“We've looked all around, /
‘“But there’s nothing we've found,
“For the nitro left not}nnl to send.”
N. B—ls you have a friend who is a composer, then collaborate.
It's great sport and maybe the musio publisher will give you a couple
of professional coples. Then you're made. '
s TRAFFIC SIGNALS,
In order that the automobilists, wagon drivers, pedestrians and
others may understand the system of traffic signals now in use {n cities
we have decided to publish them. o
Signals given by traffic officers: :
When signaling “Come on,” wiggle the ears vigorously and kick
three times with the left hind foot.
When signaling “Stand still,” scratoh the left ear and reach around
to the hip pocket for a chew of tobacco. b
‘When signaling “Turn to the right,” wiggle the right elbow slightly
and place left thumb in watch pocket.
When signaling “Turn to the left,” tap pavément gently with left
foot and wiggle the upper lp.
.. When signaling “Back up,” wiggle little finger on right hand and
rub left foot against right shin.
Any automobilist who can remember these signals will get into
no trouble.
THE WAY OF A WOMAN.
" AT SIX she tossed her pretty curls and decided to marry little
Micky Mxnhy because he could stand on his head.
AT TWELVE she decided that she would never marry, but enter s
punnery. A
AT SIXTHEN she wanted to marry John Drew,
AT EIGHTEEN she declded to marry a sad-eyed foreign violinist.
AT TWENTY ghe fell madly in love with a gray-haired broker.
AT TWENTY-FIVE she rather hoped a young college chap would
propose. .
AT THIRTY she had her eye on a certain man wprth three mfiljons.
AT THIRTY-THRER she looked on every man as & possible chance.
AT THIRTY-FOUR she ‘married Alderman Michael J. M¢Carthy, A
successful contractor and more succeesful politician,
B ——————————————————————————————
g Ambiguous.
l't {s said that a gravestone bears this inscription: :
“Here lles the body of Samuel Holden, who died suddenly and
unexpectedly by being kicked to death by a cow. Well done, good and
faithful servant!” .
— /J . .
| Just as Good.
MR. SPUFFINSTEIN and his little son were walking down the maln |
street the other day when a large poster caught the eye of little
Ikey. § . |
“Fadder!” he cried, “glve me a penny to go and see the m‘
serpent.” .
“Vasteful poy!"” exclaimed his parent. “Vanting to pay a penny te
see a sea-serpent. Here's a magnifying-glass; go and find a worm.” :
: Located.
A CHICAGO man tellsvof calling on a young lady very early one Spring
morning. He had come in his big automobile and he wanted to
give the young lady a morning spin through the gountry. A little gir)
the young lady’'s neice, answered the bell. : N
“Is your auntie in?" asked the man.
“Yes, sir.” € e
“That's good. Where is she?
“She's up-stairs,” sald the little girl, “in her nightle, locking over the
banisters.” !
Lucky. ~
UNCflE JOSH: Here's a letter from Nephew Harry, that's gone to
Africa, and says that within twenty rods o’ his house there's a family
o' laughing hyenas.
2l Wife—Well, | am glad he's got pleasant neighbors, anyway—
that's something.
’ An Unfortunate Beginning.
A YOUNG miner got married, and for the first week’'s housekeeplang
expenses he gave his wife the good round sum of sl.. The girl,
to his surprise, accepted the dollar cheerfully, and that week they lived
' abundantly enough, albeit plainly. &
80, for the second week, the miner doled out only half a dollar.
Then his wife went for him. She told himy what she thought of his
meanness. The house reverberated with her indignation. The miner,
in the midst of the storm, clapped on his hat and stalked out, mutter
ing: |
“] see what's the matter here. I l’dl!d ye the first week.”
HEARST™ SUQYDA! AMERIUAN
o Pepng RAPAEL DE Los Hupvos J Saupon © Rl s : o: Y
oF GUADALAYARA , AND OTHER. MEXICAA PART'S, c e e T S Bn At AR
SC%LPTOR,AND DILETTAUTE ARRWES AT, 4D R e TR Ak T lASgtIl ok O
BETABULISMES IN (OCOMNING COUNTY, A STUDIO MY R o s ol 7 Seb kb
- - ' - S
AL FRESCO, AND HAS MOLDED FRIM THE : - ; Gk e P Tlr T
- RADANT Doßy off THE DESIERTO P/ATADO * . s | > [paums, —
MANY PLASTIC MASTBRPIECES & ¢ . ~¢4 S VD jyy .
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NGS THe Dawn OF AN IDEA’ & .2 w, geilt] PCTN S b h i
No.y. THE MAIDEA'S APPEAL. &(> Uy 'ffi €3 /{,fi b G ..fl A '|ni: I
No. 5. THE GROGSY GLADIATOR., 7 3 R S ), io .n 7 & "W ”Nm
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PRAMITS THE BLTE, AD .L‘ s N f; ' |
THE GBuTEBL OF (OCOAINO .LJA . [ ALAGAT l B ])
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“MANYAUAA *ok WE madT SAY, The ‘Moßo® — THE Mobee’s RETURN ——o
.
Victory Bread
B gets up I the morning- with a grouch. 5
H He has a to‘guo which feels like/a ham.
He glances over the headlines in" the morning papes
He finds out what has gone wrong in thé world.
He finds that practically nothing has gone right.
He should be used to it by this time, but isn’t.
He scowls when™h# goes to the breakfast table,
He notices a dark-colored loaf of bread. .
He knows, that his wife has baked the thing. ;
He is asked to eat it because it i3,Victory Bread.
He says he will not eat any Victory Bread.
!Ho is remlngad that the President has ordained it.
He repeats that he will not eat Victory Bread.
He/stops at the bakery on hig way to the train.
He order§ some wheat bread sent to his house.
4+ He is told they have no wheat bread. -
He can have all the Victory Bread he wants.
He storms out of the place and catches his train.
He goes to lunch at his favorite restaurant.
He sees there is nothing but Victory Bread in sight
He orders white bread and is told there is none.
He sees everybody else eating Victory Bread.
' He observes that they all sédm to enjoy it. -
. He says he hates it and vows never to eat it, .
He returns to his office as hungry as a bear.
He finds several large orders in his mail. -
He reads the letter; which accompany thm?.
He learns what troubles his customers have had. /
He learne theéy are all plugging to win the war. *
He begins to feel a little bit ashamed of himself, =«
" He has not been even willing to glve up white bread,
He goes home and finds a white loat on ‘the table,
He learns his wife has baked it just for him.
He sees all his family go after the Victory Bread. .
He throws the white loaf out of the wiffftow.
Heveats a‘whole loaf of Vl\to)'y Bread.
+He thinks it is the best bread he has ever eaten. .
He goes to bed with a clear consclenca, *
He has sworn never to eat white bread again.
He is just an average American who is learn!n%thlm
He is learning how to be a regular patriot. )
— A Newspaper for People Who Think —
Krazy Kat
Kralz;‘r Kat and Ignatz Mouse Appear Ever.y Day on The Georgian’s Comie Page
: =) g )VE GOt JusT THE
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Our Bureau of Misinformation -
‘)rTOR.-,—Betore tobaccq was discovered how did
E people furnish their houses?
INVESTIGATOR.
Probably used soap coypons.—Ed.
Mr. Editor—Who was it that invented matri
mony? ; QUERY.
The responsible party never dared admit it—Ed.
Misinformation Dep't., Sir.—Does the word “ver
boten” mean anything? LINGUIST.
1t melns about everything now, In Germany.—Ed.
Dear Edltor.——W‘nen.n woman street car con
ductor passes a milllnery shop window while run
ning her car should she lean out and look at the
display? B. LIZA.
No woman street car conductor hag so far for
gotten herself as to do this. Thus far they
have stopped the car and gone over to the
window to have a good look and chat with
the motorlady about it—Ed.
Sir.—ln the time of the Cave Men and Women
there was no such thing as etiquette. How did it
start? ANTHROPOLOGIST.
In those days the women all wore the same kind
of dresses made from skins, and so they
couldn’t get each other .envious and Jealous
that way, consequently they began Inventing
little fool customs to keep their women
friends guessing.—Ed.
2 —
Bureau Editor, Dear Sir.—Why are we having
such a terrible cold Winter this season? KICKER.
Because this is the 'season we always have Win
ter.—Ed. .
Dear Sir and Fditor.—As soon as the war is over
what will the newspaper print? STEWPID.
# The fact that the war s over~—Ed.
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 17, ' 1918.
By Herriman
: * [OH WELL,ART IS SO
. > FLEET/NK THAT |
; MIGHT AS WELL
A PosE MYSELF AS A
- » WOQNDID /’/
@. OEZEILE) /)
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p et w A //p
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o b o%ERRr’QAN -
Misinformatioh Department.—l read that some
of the big Chicago meat packers; had been hoarding
hides which made a leather scarcity, and the cest of
shoes ‘'went up sbout 100 per cent. Why did they do
it? X.
The reported hoarding of hides seems to us like
a rather mean sort of skin game.—Ed.
My Dear Editor—When a rich young man pro
poses to me what shall I do? MYRTLRE
‘ Disobey that Impulse to throw your arms around
his neck and yell “YES,” and coyly tell him
to ask “Mamma’—then warn Mamma not to
embrace the boob and yell “Yes,” but to.sch
coftl'y and consent—being sure not to forget
to make her consent quite clear and blm;?ng
. In writing, If poulble.—E‘d.
Bir—lsn’t it true that women waste a lot of
money on expensive amd foolish hats? REFORMER,
Not ohly true, but sad.—~Ed. A
Dear Editor—What is a good course of Winter
reading? / . READER,
s “Followl.ng the Equator” and Dante’s “inferno,”—
Ed. 3
Bir—What are the people in the South Sea Isl
ands doing about the war? %
Absolutely nothing.—Ed: 7
Misinfo.—ls there any money in poetry? 1
PE(_}A‘suu
Possibly, but there's a thousand times more
poetry In money—Ed.
My Dear Editor.—Why {s it that John L. Sulll
van got ten times as long an oßituary as a very
learned scientist who passed on about the same
time? . 1. BROW.
Undoubtedly he Interested ten times as many
. peaple as the sclentist—Ed, .
2E
Ecconermy
A Compersishun
By willie Joans
CCONNERMY has a lot of
E Tmeenings, sutch as bein &
excuse for your Pa and Ms to
refuse to gln'unfl'snmdt
candy or a dime for the movies be
caws it is war time and everybuddy
must praktiss ecconnermy.
It is a word everybuddy is wear
ng out thees days. Pa he yells H
shen Ma she wants a new hat and
'then Ma she yells it when Pa buys
a box of sigars.
The othur day ‘'we had some stuft
Ma called mok roast beaf. VWhat
is it says Pa. Mok roast heat ssys
Ma. Its a durn poor mokker says
Pa. Its ecconnermy says Ma and
its made of veggertables. Whered
you get them says Pa. I got them
at a grate bargin says Ma it N
wassnt for me ecconnermisin we
woodent have nothin. I got them
in town. My goodnes says Pa it
must have been a hevry lode for
you to carry hoam I hoap you dont
think I'm & expres moon' says Ma
[ had them sent hoam. How mutch
says Pa. Awl they cost me was
atey ceuts says Ma: We couldnt
git a roast of beaf for that. How
mutch was the delivery says Pa.
Onlie fifty cents says Ma. . And
yure car fare te town was sortie
cen{: round trip, whitch makes one
dollar and sevunty cents and for
that I could get reel beaf without
‘a mok in ft. . .
But beaf is so high sxys Ma and
veggertables {s so good for you. I
nevur heard of beaf hurting any
buddy says Pa. I aint verry mutch
stuck on this ecconnermy thing.
Befoar we had that I used to git
twenty-five cents for shuvellin off
the smow and now Pa he gives me
‘ onlie a dime becaws he says It is
ecconnermy.
Pa and Ma went ovar to the
Smithses on a visit and when thay
got hoam I hurd them talking about
it. My gosh says Pa I bet you
mister Hoover cut that lam #t was
o thin I could m the flours =
through ft on, my plate. Afd I
guess Mister Garfeald biit up zhefr
furnise fire beesws I coodnt seal
1o heet says Ma. -And how long
sense we had nashunal proerbishun
says Pa, why we had coktales sed
Ma. Then I gess it wes boozaless
day says, Pa betaws awl I tasted
was ,water and a dash of orange
and bitturs. They are patreeotick
says Ma and ecconnermistn. O
patreetissim says Pa what sins s
committed in thy nams,
I got a new soot of cloathes matd
outer y
Smith :..mh:: llwflu:;:l::‘n ::
eceonnermy and be sed it was hand
e downs and row Ben s ecconn
misin in daylite as I cloased doath
his eyes for him and that s awi |
know about ecconmnermy exsept I
aint ssuck om ft.
Column Wid
|
By Roy K. Moulton
loaf of bread, a flask of
A wine and thou.
| Cut out the bread—
For Hoover’'s watching now.
‘A designer of overcoats says:
“Save your old overcoat. Youll
need it next Wintsar. They will
be scarce.”
Whoever heard of a scarcity of
old overcoats? Impossible!
Reading from Left to Right.
Matrimony,
Parsimony,
‘Alimony.
My Tuesdays are meatless,
My Wednesdays are sweetless
My _trousers are seatless—
Hooray! i
The original Long Isiand souade
o A
Say, it we boycott all the Geresen
music how are we going to get mer
ried? :
Think of marching up the sisle
to\“The Girl I Left Behind Me,” or
“We Shall ‘Meet, but We Shall Miss
Him,” or “The Battle Hymn of the
Republic.”
What has decomre of the oMfash.
foned Nobel Peace Prize?