Newspaper Page Text
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Wit of the Week
Conversion.
OI shipboard, Private George Washington, colored, when asked how the
men liked the big ocean, sald: “Well, sah, those who used to carry
dioe now tote nothing but the Bible, nothing but the Bible”
As Bhe Is Writ,
CA&D in restaurant: “SBmall steak, 20 cents. Extra small steak, 26
can A
More Than Curious,
AN Irishman slood for some time before & hall in which & general fight
seemed to be going on. Finally he could stand it no longer, and,
approaching a man in the doorway, asked:
/ “Excuse me, sorr, but wud you mind tellln’ me, {z that a private fight
thot's goin’ on In there, or kin anyone go in and join tn?”
He Enew Why.
MRB HENPECK-—SBhe’s very pretty, but she hardly says & word. 1
can’t understand why so many men propose to her.
) Mr. Henpeck—l can.
Hias Good Fortune. |
DEBTOR-—WQH, old man, I'm going to marry an helress next week. i
Creditor-—lndeed! Well-—er—congratulate me, old chap. |
How He Figured It. |
AN instructor tn workshop arithmetic, etc, to would-be air mechanics
At & large camp in Bucks writes to say that the lack of knowledge
of the most elementary arithmetic displayed by some of his charges Is
astounding. ;
As a typleal instance, he relatos that he had no little trouble in con
vineing one young man that there were ome hundred hundredths in an
inch. He next asked his pupll how many thousandths he reckoned there
would be in an inch. After gazing long and earnestly at his ruler, the
youth answered: |
“Bllmey! There must be millions of ‘em!” |
\ — |
Indefinite Liability, ’
A CITIZEN whose daughter was to be married, and who had been trying |
to get a line on what the expense of the rather elaborate ceremony
would be, approached a friend of his, seeking information, }
“Morris.” he sald, “your oldest daughter was married about five years
Axo, wasn't she? Would you mind telling me about how much the wed
ding cost you?" ‘
“Not at all, Sam.,” was the answer. “Altogether, about $6,000 & year.”
Practical.
Hlnmlmkh.lorncmunpuommlhom'um
averse.
“Did you pay my little brother to remain out of the parlor?” 'she
aakad,
“Yes; I hope | was not presuming.*
* “You were not. But If you paid him, I won't.”
They're engaged now,
Not Particular.
TWO looal fire laddies rocontly went on a hunting trip
Hearing a shot, one yelled to the other:
“Get something?”
“You bettcha,” the other replied.
‘What s 1t
“Pheasant.”
The other, approaching, langhed deristvely.
“Huh '™ he sald, “that isn't a pheasant; it's a screech owl,”
“Oh, well,” said the first hunter, “what's the difference? When I eat
A Dird T eat Ita meat. | ain't particular what kind of s voice it's got.”
; « Some Salute!
A‘!‘ one of the army posts in the West a sentry was posted on & large
hay-rick to look out for fires. One day the Inspector-General ap
peared at the post and seeing this immense hay-rick rode over to it. This
day the sentry was a negro from Georgia and he was lylng down with
bls hat over one eye and his blouse unbuttoned—taking life easy. When
the General caught sight of him, he shouted:
~ “Who are you and what are you doing up there?™
\ ;! guess I'se some kind of a watchman,” replied the negro. “Who're
r“
~ The General, appreciating that this was not impertinence, replied:
- "1 guess lam some kind of an Inspector-General”
“WelL” sald the negro, standing up on the shifty hay and ‘trying to
button his blouse, straighten his hat and come to attention at the same
time, “I guess I'd botter be givin' you some kinda salute.”
ALL FAGGED-OUT!
: i When it looks dark to any weak or ainng
, g‘ | woman, if she asks the advice of her neighbor,
ot | § ten chances to one that good neighbor will tell
‘ ‘\“ 57 her that she was dragged down by the paine
W : and ailments of her sex, and was completely
'\‘\ cured by a prescription which Dr. Pierce
, \ i.‘!g)‘ N of Buffalo, N. \’: discovered and made
NN\ {2 QT L the ingredients known to these
‘ f'fm“{, ‘f“* *Q\\\ many years ago and called “I'P:vb.ots
L SN ite Prescription.” When a woman
1% ‘\ =N eomphin:e:f backache, ldiz:!.u; .g
7 . pain—when everything 100 l
. !LL‘. N before her W feel
: A \"/ ing, or own, with
s N nervousness, she should
‘ ’ N, / turn to this *temperance,”
[) P \ \\’/,‘/ herbal tonie, known as
= ¥\ ) Doctor Pierce's Favorite
\i\ Q’a 0 Prescription.
(| \ It can be obtained in al-
S / most every drug store in
the land and the ingredients
are printed in plain English
on the wrapper. Put up
in tablets or liguid. Dr. Pierce will send a trial size for 10 cents.
R —t e TIETITEENNETTE
Our Boys In Camp !
Have withstood many hardships — without complaint. To combat
outbreaks of disease both in war and in pesce times it is necessary
that the liver and kidneys be kept active. Rid the body of the toxie
poisons and you keep well. An oceasional laxative is necessary for
the best of health. Such & one is made of May apple, aloes and jalap,
rolled into & tiny, sugar<oated pellet, and long sold as Dr. Pierce's
Pleasant Pellets at all drug stores. Send Dr. Pierce 10c. 135.3?.‘.'...‘1?’1‘
CHOICE BITS OF WIT EVERY DAY IN THE ATLANTA GEORGIAN
IR M:EE?E’JlL‘[’??{?{,E?B&Z?TETS93??s‘:’l‘};‘l3ff?fffififfi?fli?”mffffi‘li’j‘:fmv.MM,..MAA ,
_l{%fi®i:fl)fiLAMEltlfi_:*umr for Peogle Whe Think — SUNDAY, JASIUABY 26, 1919,
Send Your Claims to the Peace Table
A oy i
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. i L N ol MctoeW) s (T
NOW THAT SPAIA, INTENDS %_Q__T \'{2l QA n <\ \ w‘fifl—‘ oA n; ou:.r
eel || H T
PUT IN A CLAIM AT THE ;,3 e ' < “ W ) PEACE TNOLE,
PEACE TABLE FOR GIBRALTAR |-/ | WANMT THat ,"‘fi{),l} o~ EGER S T
ENGAGEMENT . [~ * o ‘ e W
WHICH \wWwAS TAKEN By THE RING BACK 5 e S 2 I}/ . g ‘ S
OfR 'L SQuERL " I o~ =
BRITISH 215 NEPRS AGO o THE DENCE THBLE m ‘ ‘
7. "> HZ p
WE MAN ERPELT OTHER /fm \ K £
=N 7 {
cLaim § - i WE- | STOLE Y=y GOOO Ove ey
s / K, 2. ~our Wit ; AND :F |
VERSAILLES WILL BE THE %:Z - 3 3 e Go:.osuu g,
e—— ” o —— o > £
HomE Forß AGED AND =, }Eé— ,“’i‘;{ = = B —
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DECREPIT CLAIMYT. \ [ b St . i :%"E‘,_ ZR |-
PIPE THESE For INSTANCE \ - 7z ‘“mmlmmm,m 2P { ";{"_L_“;? ; —
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=7 | know THAT IT WAS A Zn [ e g~ /\, ;:‘—: CLAM THME WiLL
e CROOKED GAME -~ I'M NO ™ Z_;—; NOT BE PRESENTED
=== SVCKER - | CAN SEE A HOLE » —7_- AT ™Me PEACE TABLES
T TWROMGM A LADDER - OUT ! g
——=__{ I'tt GET MY Douon BACK: HIP Dl6 AMERICA { N::E:;‘ IT WAT
e g e} ALI My COUN TRY ~ . sty - ;m._
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N A BRAID 7 f.k%&a‘ “ s
Hitting the Hi ots in History
ing the High Sp His
By C. L. Edson. |
HE war has knocked the staffing out of history and geography.
I Wilson is in Europe sewing the map back together again and flx-{
ing up the geography. I'll fix up the history for him as a surprise |
when he gets back.
Czars and kalsers used to pull off one relgn after another. But a
terrible dry spell has set in. The world is now safe for democracy and
the kings and princes find their jobs are now held by deserving democrats.
Even the wax royalty (of the old Eden Musee) have had to go to
work for a living, and you will find Jullus Caesar at Sam Fegelbaum’s
Third avenue clothes shop with a card around his neck: “VERY NOBBY;
TAKE ME HOME FOR $19.98,” while Marie Antoinotte demonstrates the
permanent wave in Madame Rafferty’s Fourteenth street beauty parlor.
Bo history needs a new shuffle, And the first fellow to got over
hauled, renovated, repapered and redecorated is old Christy Columbus,
forerunner of Christy Mathewson as & man who can do tricks with a
sphere. |
When Columbus lived the Great Khan ruled India. A Jetter to the
Great Khan was given Columbus by thé merchants of his home town
when he set sail. It was their polite way of tieing the khan to him. The
letter of introduction is supposed to have said:
“The bearer of this note regards the earth as being very much lke
an orange. We regard him as being very much of a lemon., He wants to
handle our business in the East and we have advised him to go West.
He has ideas, but they are not popular with the voters in this distriot.
The earth is flattened at the poles, he says. If he ran for dog catcher in
this district he would be flattened at the polls, so say we all. Kid him
along if you ever get this letter; he's harmless. Remember, we are al
ways in the market for tea, siik and ivory--the latter despite the fact
that we let & fine plece of ivory set away from us when this bonehead
put to sea.”
Columbus, with three ships and eighty-elght men, welighed anchor on
Friday, August 8, 1492, and “stood for the Canary Islands.” Besides
standing for the Canaries the crew decided they had to stand for owls
‘a the turret and bats in the belfry. Columbus sat in the lookout singing,
“I am always chasing rainbows; I'm Jooking for & little bluebird in vain”
After he had been out a month and had seen no land Columbus con
fessed that he had “underestimated the size of the world.” The same
mistake was what later put the Kalser on the frits Columbus thought he
knew the shortest route to India, but he never got there. Both were
interrupted by the same thing: America got in the way and stopped 'em.
Moral: When you are planning any sightseeing trips, see America first
and get her parmission.
Before Columbus left Spain he demanded the title of “Admiral of the
Oceans,” just as the Kaiser made himself “Admiral of the Atlantic” while
hiding fn a bomb-proof dug-out one hundred miles from tide-water. The
Portuguese disputed Columbus’s title to the oceans. As the proverb says:
“The tools to him who can use them; and the seas belong to the folks
that ean handle them, which at present are (1) English Navy, (2) Amer
foan sallors, (3) Annette Kellermann.
On August 25, when Columbus and his men were twenty-two days
out, the cry of “land” was raised by Martin Pinzon. The mistake was
due to the fact that Pinzon was on pinzon needles until he could reach
dry land again. (America was not dry land then, but will be after July
Ist, 1919.)
Columbus finally landed on Amerioa Friday, October 12, 1492, Other
great “landing” dates in American history are: Jack Johnson landed on
Jim Jeffries, Reno, Nevada, 1910, thus discovering Africa to the Amer
foan public. Jess Willard landed on Africa July 4, 1914. America landed
on the Kalser, full force, November 11, 1918,
Columbus beached his boat on San Salvador Island and went ashore
m full panoply, carrying his own banner, the Green Cross. Other famous
crosses in American history: The Red Cross, which oares for wounded
men; the Blue Cross, that cares for horses injured in bdattle, and tho
Purple Cross, a fund to repair autos punctured under fire: Leach Cross,
Washington Crossing the Delaware, Bryan's Cross o' Gold, Bernstorff's
double cross to Ameriea, and the cross X marking the spot on the map
for the jury to see where the big ruffian, Uncle Sam, slugged and robbed
| poor, innocent, little Willje Hohenzollern. i
Columbus left San Salvador the next morning and discovered Crooked
Island. The moral is: You don't go far in America without discovering
something crooked. Had he gone farther he might have discoversd Hog
Island.
Oolumbus took back to Bpain some Ameriean products, including
tobaceo, potatoes, pineapples and @ Cuban parrot, The poll parrot made
A great hit. Other famous “pollies™ in American history are: Polly-with.
a-Past, Polly-of-the-Circus, Pollyana, 1 Pagllacci, “My Polly-cles,” Walt.
Polly4ik and Polly-voo Fran-say.
) Copyright, 1919, by Star Company,
-
A Few Drags at the Old Pipe
MINISTER who preached a sermon on women’s dress recently
A Yo’y appropriately took his text from Revelations.
A lot of people who can never afford to travel anywhere else can
usuzally dig up the price of the fare to Reno.
Von Tirpits has shaved off his whiskers to disguise himself, but
doubtless anybody who seeks him can tell him by his peculiar disposition.
Most newspapers leave two headlines standing permanently and
ready for instant uss: ‘“Troizky Arrests Lenine” and “Lenine Arrests
Trotzky.”
Bome hope for the poor folks at last. Announcement has been made
of & slight reduction in tho price of golf balls. >
Ohio Btate Medical Society won't let a man use the title “Dr.” unless
he 13 a real physician. How about old Doc. Garfleld?
When a man disappears for a couple of months nowadays his family
doesn’t send out a tracer. They know he is writing a show.
After July 1 nothing will be tight but the skirts.
Peace is more complicated than war, but pleasanter whea one gets
the hang ot it.
During the milk famine nobody is willing to predict how much a
quart of the milk of human kindness will be before the year is out.
The first thing to do when entering the show business for a livelihood
is to have photographs taken in eighteen poses and then to go and look
for & job.
L
Ammnmuflcmnwhmwm“kmdlen
all he had to the city., All he had was & wife and nine chi.iren.
Judging by the divorce records, the average marriage certificate is
only a scrap of paper. Some scrap. e
Msohndhthomhofionldlomdvmlomwuho'm
Dot depart from it and become a ukulele player.
One of the wonders of nature is the fact that thers are no two bald
l)ohh(howorlduacflyth.nmollundlhm
Nothing goes out of style quicker than war.
The best seller last year was not “A Review of the European War,”
by Prof. Ignatz Fothergill Ooph, but “How She Met Temptation on the
"L." by Angelica Mineola Beesger.
e s e e
CLUB 1s an incubator for men, but it is Xept at the proper tem-
A perature by alcohol drinks instead of alcohol lamps, It is a place
where men crack their shells and get soclable. Ordinarily, they
crack & few bottles while cracking shells. Jokes and reputations are also
cracked. 8o are some of the members.
The first clubs were used by men in the stone age, who employed
them in pursuing a wife. Nowadays, clubs are more favored by men who
are dodging wives than by those who are hunting 'em. In fact, the chief
oocupants of a modern club are men whose wives have gone to the
country, to lectures or to Reno,
A club {s a steam-heated affalr, with chairs facing the street. The
chairs are usually upholstered in red plush. The occupants of the chairs
are usually upholstered in stocks and bonds. They regard the clubhouse
As & place in which to meet one's friends and one's dues. The latter are
harder to meet—and almost as expensive.
Men who get the full benefit out of their clubs stop there on thelr
way to the office, come back for lunch and a game of billiards, come back
for a whiskey and soda late in the afternoon, and then put in a good part
of the evening there.
Clubs are supplied with plenty of newspapers, so that the sober
members may read and the celebrating members may snoore. A man
always hates to be caught dosing without a newspaper spread out in front
of him as an alibl. The newspaper gives him a ecortain privacy,
Every good club has a bar. The reason they have bars is because
the members don't like the {dea of having to run out with a tin bucket
whenever they get a thirst, There is a movement now on foot to teach
club members those lines from Tennyson, something about “moaning st
the bar” The lines will be recited next June
Great Britain Rights Reserved
TAD
Rewistered U, 8. Patent Offten.
Back Home
EN BINKS'S barber shop on
R Malin street, between the post
office and the O. K. restaun
rant, was no nickel-plated and por
celain hospital affalr, such as we
see in the great cities.
Ren didn’t have his shop filled up
with patent steam compressors for
customers to stick their heads in
for a shampoo, and when any cus
tomer wanted a manicure, if he was
going to a dance or something, he
would borrow Ren's jackknife.
Therg were no ladies around the
place except those in the Police
Gazette, and male conversation was
untrammelled,
To drop into a city shop of the
ultra-modern pattern for a modest
scrape requires the financial sagac
ity of a Russell Sage. A man goes
in for a shavé and he comes out
with everything but a meal of vie
tuals and a new fur overcoat. The
barber who walits upon him is an
Italian count who @annot speak
English sufficlently well to carry
on an old-time barber shop conver
sation. He is usually far above the
customer’s station in life and he
gives the customer what he needs
without asking any questions. To
keep from getting a haircut every
day taxes the ingenuity of the aver
age customer to the breaking point.
T TR
DO YOll Need Glasses. ‘
“You will+find that all Dusiness houses that have grown from Httle te Mg have, somewhere
or other, given their customers a share of thelr profits, until they became 80 large that they
did not need the customer who looks '!:huflnll In price. and theo such houses talk asbout
their superior u-?lm and actentific met of accounting.
We are not 8o large that we do not needd the business of the ' customer who desires to
economize In the cost of glasses. We do need It, and we pr«-l;:u to deserve it by furnishing
you I]-“- & litle better, and st o price a Uttle smailer for t quality than you will Ins
elsewhere
()u; urvmd m.. ML. of course, but you are chiefly Interested in the quality of the glasses
. A con
ml‘:lnaummlmm--nnuinu-_-.tn- You will be glad
yOu came
SILVEUS OPTICAL CO. .
19 South Broad Street Atlanta
First dose of “Pape’s Cold Compound” reljeves the cold
and grippe misery—Don’t stay stuffed up!
Rellef comes instantly,
A dose taken every two hours until
three doses are taken will end grippe
misery and break up a severe cold
either In the head, chest, body or
Umbs.
It promptly opens clofiud-up nos
trile and air passages In the head,
stops nasty discharge or nose runnlnf.
telieves sick headache, dullness, fe
.
Gleanings from
“the Hoppertown
Harpoon
KE BUTT'S is takin’ the fresh aty
I cure and is sleepin’ in the
cornerib. There aint nothin®
the matter with him at present,
but there probably will be if he
keeps up the treatment long
enough.
Abe Renfrew's wife has quit
him and now he is liable to be
pinched for havin’ no visible
means of support
Constable Ezra Bibbins, our loesi
sleuth, had his pocket picked the
last time he was over to West
Hickeyville, and says he has got &
good clue to .the culprit, who se
cured a nickel’s worth of Mule Bar
Twist, & bone collar button, the key
to the jail and 18 eents in real
money.
Eben Hand broke up the James
Huggitt funeral last Thursday by
suffering an attack of Bt Vitus
dance. There is a place to dance,
but it ain’t at a funeral
Grandma Whipple is failing fast
She was only able to plow nine
acres Monday. Bhe has got the gol
dingest - longevity in this vicinity
for an invalid and Amos Butts is
thinkin' of selling his hearse.
A new doctor from West Hickey
ville has opened up an office over
Hanks' harness shop, and a new
undertaker from the same town has
followed him over here and opened
an office next door, which may or
may not mean anything in per
tickler. -
Job gained a great reputation for
patience, but he never tried teo
CAITy & mattress upstairs.
Asg he lies in the chair gazing at
the pretty pictures on the ceiling he
feels a soft hand clutch his es it
hangs down over the edge of the
chalr. It isn’t polite to withdraw
the hand under such circumstances,
for the pretty lady with the plck
and shovel is already st work, and
they are nervous creaturesa,
After the customer has had everp
thing in the shop and has been in
there long enough to have enjoyed
an aristocratic operation for appen
dicitis, the barber tells him he is &
finished product and ready to go
out in the street and walk around
with the best of them.
The customer_ who had gone fn
for a shave comes out after having
spent $2.80, and then he stands
around on the corner walting for
somebody to come along and take
him to lunch,
Back home, in Ren's shop, & man
could go in with 15 ¢ents and get a
shave, a neck shave, a head rud
with the round wooden comb, a
dash of witch hazel all the political
news, the gossip of the town, a tune
on the guitar by the barber's assist
ant and a chance to read the Week
ly Whoop. It his hair was in need
of a trim with the clippers around
the neck and ears, not a regular
haircut, Ren would throw that tn
and wish thae customer a long life
verishness, sore throat, Bneezing, sore.
ness and stiffneas,
Don't stay stuffed-up! Quit blowing
and snuffling! Ease your throbbing
head! Nothing else in the world gives
such prompt relief as “Pape’s Cold
Compound,” which costs only a few
centis at anv drug store. It acts with
out assistance, taste nice, causes no
inconvenience. Be sure you Bot the
genulne.~—Advertisement.