Newspaper Page Text
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Wit of the Week
Conversion,
o, shipboard, Private George Washington, colored, when asked how the
men liked the big ocean, said: ‘“Well, sah, those who used to ORITYy
o now tote nothing but the Hible, nothing but the Bible.”
As Bhe Is Writ.
c&D In resteaarwatt “Bmall steak, 0 cents. Extra small steak, 256
oantsn
More Than Curions,
Al Irtsbman stood for some time before a hall In which a general fight
seewed to be going on. Finally he could stand it no longer, and,
approaching & man in the doorway, asked:
“Excuse me, sorr, but wud you mind tellin’ me. iz that a private fight
thot's goin’ oa n there, or kin anyous go in and Join fn?”
He Enew Why.
"8.l HENPERCK -Bhe's very pretiy, but she hardly says a word |
oan't understand why so many men propose to her.
Me. Henpeck 4 can.
His Good Fortune.
Wr—WflL old man, I'm golng to marry an hetress next week
Creditor-—Jdndeed! Wall—er-—congratulate me, old chap.
How He Figured It.
A.“ummunmm.mmmmmm
u.&pmplnmchwflhntouuthuth-hcldhxnbdm
o the most elemontary arithmetic displayed by some of his charges is
astounding.
M.mtmhmmmlbohdmmmmbkhm
wincing one young man that there were oné hundred hundredths in an
oh. He next asked his pupfl how many thousandths he reckoned there
would be In an inch. Aftar gazing long and emmertly at his ruler, the
youth snswered:
“HHmey! There mast be mifMong of ‘em!™
Indefinite Liability.
Ammmmmmmflmh-ahmw
h“nmmmmenwadmmduwm
woul be, ‘approached a friend of his, seeking information
“Morria,” he sald, “your oldest daughter was married about five years
agn, wasn't shet Wmflmmucalluumshouhnmumm|
Stag cost your” |
"Not st all, Sum,” was the answer. “Altogether, about $56,000 & year.”
Practical.
Hlfimhpmwmt.hadhnflmm'.m
averse
mmwwmmbmuuhmrn.
by
“Yes; I hope 1 was not presumtng”
“You were not. But if you paid him, I wony”
They've engaged now, ‘
Not Partioular,
Pu&mwfl!vflmnmvfi@
Hearing a shot, one yelled to the other:
“Get pomething?™
*“You bettcha,” the other seplied.
“Whitt so™
*Pheasant.”
The other, appromching, laughed deristvely.
“Huh!” he sald, “that isn’t a pheasant; it's a sereech owl”
“Ob, well,” said the first hunter, “what's the diference? When 1 eat
» bied 1 ent fts meat. x-\mmmgamm got.”
Some Balute!
Afmdh.-vmhmow-n.—mvumnm.hne
bhay-riok to look out for fires Onodnytholn-wtm\o«sm\rd»
peared at the post and seeing this immense hay-rick rode over to it. This
ummuvmnmhomomgumdh-wummm
fihtflwoumwdhhbb-unbuw-fi—mmuhm. When
the General caught sight of him, he shouted:
“Who are you and what are you doing up thers?”
:mr-mmu-nmu-.' replied the negro. “Who're
you
The Ganeral, approciating that this was not tmpertinence, replied:
“I guess 1 am some kind of an Inspector-General.”
"‘.'mhmnnCMnthMymmmu
mnmmuamummwmmnm—.
tima, “T guess I'd better be givin' you some kinda salute”
ALL FAGGED-OUT! |
;_,‘ Whmnlnohd.ktom'-lwdu
‘é:——‘-’ o wornan, if she asks the advice of her neighbor,
‘\\)@* her that she was dragged down by the pains
i lnddlmudbcnx.mdwumm
\ cured by a pru:ri‘?don which Dr,
‘ of Buffalo, N. ..dh-:n-:loadm
" ./‘4@}“& %—A’ ~oQ\} mmmmdufld"fim
b “‘--,,)‘,111. fte Prescription.™ When a woman
N - complains of backache, dizziness or
"‘ - Mmfih‘hobb:::
before ber eyes—a dragging
LL-‘.:., m,aw\vm
i . nervousness, she should
\\\’/fi D(m h’ ‘,‘h'.km'"n
"\i\. Qkfi Prescription,
L 1 % It can be obtained in ah
N 3 u‘ <, most every drug store in
\ .\ thelandmdfiwtpzndkph
WS aet e
In tablets or Bquid. Dr. Pierce will send a trial size for 10 cents.
Our Boys In Cam
Have withstood many hardships — without complaint. m?mm
Ml‘hddh-ebothhwnmdinpmthnflim
Bhat the liver and kidneys be kept active. Rid the body of the toxie
polsons and you keep well, An oceasional laxative is necessary for
" the best of health. Such a one is made of May apple, aloes and jalap,
tolled into a tiny, sugar-conted pellet, and long sold ms Dr. Plerce's
Plessant Pellets at all drug stores. SeadDrPkreelOc.!(:rt:‘Npt‘c
) Y oo uERY DAY IN THE. ATLANTA GEORGIAN
ABARST'S SUNDAY AMERICAN . A Newspaper for People Who Think — SUNDAY; JANUARY 96 1919,
Send Your Claims to the Peace Table
i o \ VEAL. 7
,4’\’ & ¥ ? Q— ¢ u!*l-u‘:—:fl' oy oL 70
NOW THAT SPAIA INTENDS o Ehdiliieceg A BN LT ™E Guvs
o o &\ \ BAk s Ar mHE
PUT IN A CLAIM AT THE Eo a o W) Q W j Saks Taask
e A 9 8 o
PEACE TABLE FOR GIBRALTAR | WANT THAT £ey - :%_ B I
ENGAGEMENT 4 . .\F-_, / 4 . éi?: A S
WHICH WAS TAKEN BY T™HE RING BACK - TR w e N . [P o=
OALSy AR " F I & -- - ___\ ~N \
BRITISH 215 ~JEMRS AGO 1o TME DERCE THBLE : :
(7 4’ ;. ) - i £
WE MAY EXPELT OTHER & / N ; Lrcs & \%?
¢ =N 7 5 .
ceAamm S, ;».,,._ & ] : -, HE - | STOLE "3‘6:%‘5:_ Govo Bve \. | e
e G i Ipa Ve \w;?;}‘k‘tA}?:‘ AND ; ‘/'7' S
VERSAILLES Wikt BE TuE : o 3 1 ; f&flei};r:‘;: Go:::ss L "é‘
pegontpbill ~00 57 IR =g
DECREPIT CLAIM S . L i o APHTY . L‘ AN =
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PIPE THESE For INSTANCE \-_ '55 ity ! 1““ \,m “ " (@ -] -t =3
T Ne T 7 A it W B .
S 7 | Know THAT T wAS A ol ey o = Comim DT Wit
A CROOKED GAME ~ ™M NO eey . g ~NQr BE PRESENTED
- SVCKER - | CAN SEE A HOLE = AT e PEACE TABLE
N TWROMG™ A LADDER - DUT p R " e
= I'lh GET MY DouGH GACK HIP 016 ARMERICA ot T WAS
e g ‘—-’;t(: AL My COUN TRY — oap Qe - sk
ey \el { Clhin wim NOw POR. s Bact
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LSS HAS HAIR. / ; oy o
: N A BRAID 4 - CBerdo &m\wu
Hitting the Hi ots in Histo
g the High Spots in History
By C. L. Edson.
Tn war has knocked the staffing out of history and geography.
Wilson sin hm.mm:mphekmothuuun and fix
gup the geography. Fll fix up the history for him as a surprise
when he gets back.
mem“.bmdmmdmm. But a
terrfble dry spell has set in. mwrldhmwnfofindemwncy and
the kingeand princes flud thetr jobs are now held by deserving democrats.
Hven the wax royalty (of the old Hden Musee) have had to go to
work for & lving, and you will find Jullus Oaesar at Sam Feselbaum's
Third avenne clothes shop with a card around his neck: “VERY NOBBY;
TAKHE ME HOME FOR $19.98," while Marle Antoinette demonstrates the
permanent wave in Madame Rafferty’s Fourteenth street beauty parior.
Bo history needs a new ghuffle. And the first fellow to get over
hauled, renovated, repapered and redecorated Is old Ohristy Colambus,
forerunner of Christy Mathewson as a man who can do tricks with a
sphere.
W\-Odlmmnwlm(!nnmmnled India. A jetter to the
Great Khan was givem (olumbus by the merchants of his home town
when he set sadl. It was their polite way of tleing the khan to him. The
lottar of tntroduction is supposed to haveesaid:
"rhob-'-otm-ndoromrhce-rm.-betn;vmmh ke
an orange. We regard him as being very much of a lemon. He wants to
handle our business in the Bast and we have advised him to go West.
He has ideas, but they are not popular with the voters In this distriot.
n.mhm“umm.um. If he ran for dog catcher in
mcmumuwnmemmmmn;u. Kid him
dun.ummuthhlm: he's harmless. Remember, we are al
ways in the market for tea, sflk and Ivory —~the latter despite the fact
that we lot & fine plece of ivory ket away from us when this bonehead
put to sea.”
Columbus, with three ships and eighty-elght men, welghed anchor on
Priday, August 8, 1492, and “stood for the Canary Islands.” Besides
standing for the Canarles the erew decided they had to stand for owls
%0 the turret and bats tn the belfry. Columbus sat in the lookout sineing,
“ am always chasing rainbows; I'm looking for a little bluebird in vain.”
After he had been out & month and had seen no land Columbus con
fessed that he had “underestimated the size of the world.” The same
mistake was what later put the Kaiser on the frits. Oolumbus thought he
I.v.oflu'hnmhhlndh.bubononr:m&-\ Both were
interrupted by the same thing: America got in the way and stopped ‘em.
Moral: Mmmflnnmm-umcflumAmamm
and get her permission.
Before Columbus loft Bpain he demanded the title of “Admiral of the
Oveans,” just as the Kalser mads himselt “Admiral of the Atlantic” while
hiding tn & bomb-proof dug-out one hundred miles from tide-water. The
Portugnese disputed Oolumbus’s title to the oceans. As the proverb says:
“The tools to him who ecan use them; and the seas belons to the folks
that can handle them, which at present are (1) English Navy, (2) Amer
foan sallors, (8) Annette Kellermann.
On August 26, when Columbus and his men were twentytwo days
out, the cry of “land” was radsed by Martin Pinson. The mistake was
dne to the fact that Pinson was on pinzon needles until he could reach
dry land again. (Amerioa was not dry land then, but will be after July
Ist, 1919.)
Columbus fioally landed on Ameriea Friday, October 12, 1492, Other
groat “landing” dates in American history are: Jack Johnson landed on
Jim Jeffries, Reno, Nevada, 1910, thus discovering Africa to the Amer
foan publio. Jess Willard landed on Africa July 4, 1914. America landed
on the Kaiser, full force, November 11, 1018,
Columbus beached his boat on San Salvador Island and went ashore
m full panoply, earrying his own banner, the Green Cross. Other famous
orosses in American history: The Red Cross, which cares for wounded
men; the Blue Cross, that careés for horses injured in battle, and tho
Purple Cross, & fund to repair autos punctured uwnder fire; Leach Cross,
Washington Crossing the Delaware, Hryan's Cross o Gold, Bernstorfl's
double oross to Amariea, and the cross X marking the spot on the map
for the jury to mee where the Mg ruffian, Uncle Sam, slugged and robbed
poor, innocent, littie Willle Hohenzollern.
Columbus left San Salvador the next morning and disvovered COrooked
Island. The moral 18: You don't go far in America without discovering
something erooked. Had he gone farther he might have discovered Hog
Island.
Columbus took back to Spatn wome “Amertean products, tncluding
tobaceo, potatoes, pineapples and s Cuban parrot. The pqgll phrrot made
& groeat Mt. Other famous “pollies” {n American history are: Polly-with.
a-Past, Pollypof-the-Circus, Pollyana, 1 Paglincel, “My Polly<cies,”" Welt.
Polly-tik and Polly-voo Franeay.
Copyright, 1918, by Star Company.
-
A Few Drags at the Old Pipe
MINISTER who preached a sermon on women’s dress recenmtly
A very appropriately took his text from Revelations.
O f
A lot of people who can never afford to travel anywhere else can
usually dig up the price of the fare to Remo.
Von mmh.nhflflhw-mdhmmm-dt.m
doubtiess anybody who seeks him can tell htm by his pecullar disposition.
Most newspapers leave two headlines standing permanentiy and
ready for instant use: “Trotzky Arrests benine” and “Lenine Arrests
Trotaky.”
Bome hope for the poor folks at last. Announcement has been made
of a slight reduction in the price of go¥ baila
Ohto Btate Medical Soctety won’t let & man use the title “Dn” unless
h‘ is & real p.hnlchn. How about old Doc. Garfleld?
‘ i,
When a man dieappears for 8 couple of months nowadays his famfty
doesn’t send out a tracer. They know he is writing a show.
After July 1 nothing will be tight but the skirts.
th”mhm.htph—uwm«nnw:
the hang of it
e ey
mmmmmmmhmmmmm.
mumm«mm-mumumum
. mnmmnbmwmmm-u.lnw
hhhnM“hmmmhhmnflm‘
for » job.
————
Amflnfihmmuhmmu!wnlndm
all be had to the city. Mlhhulwn.tlhmdnhnehhdru.
MVOQMM,mmwmmn
only a serap of paper. Bome scrap.
Mo“hhmhnul‘mufl“hmuh'fll‘
hot depart from it and become a ukulele player.
A ———
Oudmwondmdmnuthommm.umtnmd
lnuhmvflmmmoflnmfim
Nothing goes out of style quicker than war.
The best seller last year was not “A Review of the Kuropean War,*
by Prof. Ignatz Fothergill Ooph, but “How She Met Temptation on the
14" by Angelica Mineola Beeser.
e A Aty i st
CLUB 1s an incubator for men, but 1t is Xept at the proper teme
A perature by alcohol drinks instead of alcohol lamps. It is a place
where men crack their shells and get sociable. Ordinarily, they
erack a few bottles while cracking shells. Jokes and reputations are also
cracked. So are some of the members.
¢ The first clubs were used by men in the stone age, who employed
them in pursuing a wite. Nowadays, clubs are more favored by men who
are dodging wives than by those who are hunting ‘em. In fact, the ehief
occupants. of & modern club are men whose wives have gone to the
country, to lectures or to Reno.
A club is a steam-heated affalr, with chairs Meing the wtreet. The
chairs are usually upholstered in red plush. The occupants of the chalrs
are usually upholstered in stocks and bonds. They regard the clubhouse
48 & place in which to nfeet one’s friends and one's dues. T'he latter are
harder to meet—and almost as expensive.
Men who get the full benent out of their clubs stop there on thelr
way to the office, come back for luneh and a game of billlards, come back
for a whiskey and soda late in the afternoon, and then put in a ®oood part
of the evening there,
Clubs are supplied with plenty & newepapers, so that the sober
members may read and the celebrating members may snooze. A man
always hates to be eaught dozing without a newspaper spread out in' front
of him as an alibl. The newspaper gives him a certain privacy.
Every good club has a bar. The reason they have bars is becauss
the members don't like the idea of having to run out with a tin bucket
whenever“they get a thirst, There I 8 a movement now on foot to teach
club members those lines from Tennywon, nnouln, about “mosning at
the bar.” The Mnes will be recited naxt June.
Great Britain Rights Reserved
BXD
T
Repistored Ul, 8. Patent Offfes.
Back Home
EN BINKS'S barber shop on
R Main street, between the post
office and the 0. K. restau
rant, was no nickel-plated and por
celain hospital affair, such as we
see in the great oities.
Ren dldn’t"have his shop filled up
with patent steam compressors for
customers to stick their heads in
for a shampoo, and when any ecus
tomer wanted a manicure, if he was
going to a ddnce or something, he
would borrow Ren's Jjackknife.
There were no ladies around the
place except those in the Police
Gazette, and male conversation was
untrammelled.
To drop into a eit: lepp of the
ultra-modern for a modest
scrape requires the financial sagac
ity ot u M%io«
in for aPshave and he comes out
with everything but a meal of vic
tuals and a new fuf overcoat. The
barber who waits upon him is an
Euglish aufl‘lcien& m” carry
on &n old-time bard 7 ."%*ver
sation. He is usually far above the
customer’s station fn life and he
gives the customer what he needs
without asking any questions. To
keep from getting a haircut every
day taxes the Ingenuity of the aver
age customer to the breaking point.
DO YOU Need Glasses .
“You will find that all business houses mnnmmmmwmmmz
or other, given thelr customers & share of their profits, untll th became 80 ‘Wutfl“
did not need the eustomer who looks for sarings in price, and Ln such houses
their superior service and sclentific methods of accounting. '
We are not so large that we do not need the business of the customer who desires to
ecconomize in e cost of glames We do u-tu. and we [vrufic'. to deserve it by m
z:‘ slunn & liitle bewter, and st & price o Hitle smaller for the quality than you
ore.
”0:1: lorv’\um‘h ln‘od of course, but you sre chiefly Interested in the quality of the glasses
ot A cost.
yw“ufl". u; the occulist's prescription. of see us for new lenses o frames You will be glad
you came
- SILVEUS OPTICAL CO.
19 South Broad Street Atlanta
First dose of “Pape’s Cold Compound” relieves the eold
and grippe misery—Don’t stay stuffed up!
Rellef comes instantly,
A doae taken every two hours until
three doses are taken will end grippe
misery and break up a severe cold
either in the head, chest, body or
limbs,
It promptly opens clo{ged-up nog
trile and air passages in the head,
stops nasty discharge or nose ranning,
relieves sick headache, dullness, fe-
Gleanings from
ngs from -
the Hoppertown
Harpoon
K® BUTT'S s takin® the fresh aip
I cure and is sleepin’ in the
corncrib. Thore ain’t nothinf
the matter with him at presenl
but there probably will be #f he
keeps up the treatment long
enough.
Abe Renfrew’s wife has quit
him and now he is liable to be
pinched for havin' no visible
means of support.
Constable Ezra Bibbine, our locad
sleuth, had his pocket picked the
last time he was over to West
Hickeyville, and says he has got a
good clue to the culprit, who se
cured & nickel's worth of Mule Ear
Twist, a bone collar button, the key
to the jail and 18 eents in real
money.
Eben Hand broke up the Jamea
Huggitt funeral last Thursday by
glffering an attack of St. Vitus
dance. There is a place to dance,
but it ain’t at a faneral
Grandma Whipple is fafling fast
She was only able to plow nine
acres Monday. She has got the gol
dingest longevity in this wvicinity
for an invalid and Amos Butts is
thinkin’ of selling his hearse.
A new doctor from West Hickey
villé has opened up an office over
Hanks’ harness shop, and a new
undertaker from the same town has
followed him over here and opened
an office next door, which may or
may not mean anything in per
tickler.
Job gained a great reputation for
patience, but he never tried to
carry a mattress upstairs.
As he lies in the chair gazing at
the pretty pictures on the ceiling he
feels a soft hand clutch his as it
hangs down over the edge of the
chalr. It #sn't polite to withdraw
the hand under such circumstancea,
tor the pretty lady with the pick
and shovel is already at work, and
they are mnervous creaturas.
After the customer has had every
thing in thelboplnd‘hubeen in
there long enough to bave enjoyed
an aristocratic operation for appen
dicitis, the barber tells him he is a
finished product and ready to go
out in the street and walk arcond
with the best of them. L
The customer who had gone tn
for a shave comes out after having
spent $2.80, and then he stands
around on the corner waiting for
somebody to come along and take
him to lunch,
Back home, In Ren's shop, a man
could go in with 15 cents and get a
shave, & neck shave, a head rub
with the round wooden comh, a
dash of witch hazel, all the political
news, the gossip of the town, a tune
on the guitar by the barber's assist
ant and a chance to read the Week
ly Whoop. If his hair was in need
of a trim with the clippers around
the neck and ears, not a regular
haircut, Ren would throw that tn
and wish the customer a long life.
verishness, sore throat, sneezing, sore.
ness and stiffnecs,
Don't stay stuffed-up! Quit blowing
and snuffling! Fase your throbbing
head! Nothing else in the world gives
such prompt relief as “Pape’s Cold
Compound,” which costs only a rew
cenis at any drug store, It acts with
out assistance, taste nice, causes no
inconvenience, Be sure you get the
genuine.—Advertisement.