Newspaper Page Text
; Wit the Wee
- Wit of the Week
& Conversion.
YN snipbosrd, Private George Washington, colored, when asked how the
;@ men liknd the big ocean, sald: “Well, sab, those who used to earry
,fi Mlos now tote nothing but the Bible, nothing but the Hible " ’
- Wloply
" As Bhe Is Writ.
;cm in restaurnnt: “Small steak, 20 cents. Kxtrn somusil steak, 26
‘ cents
o
e More Than Curious.
WA N Irishman sood for some time before & hall in which & general fight
.fi seemed to be going on. Finally he could stand it no longer, and,
approaching a man in the doorway, asked: .
* “Excuse me, sorr, but wud you mind tellin’' me, iz that a private fight
*hot's goin’ on In there, or kin anyons go lu and join {n?”
He Knew Why.
uns. HENPECK--She's very pretty, but she hardiy says « word I
"’m can't understand why so many men propose to her
, Mr. Hanpeck 1 can.
; His Good Fortune.
Dlmn— Well, old man, I'm going to marry an heiress uext week
Oreditor—lndesd! Well—er—congratulate me, old chap
How He Figured It. |
Au mstructor in workshop arithmetic, etq., to would-be air mechanics
; At & large oamp in Bucks writes to say that the lack of knowledge
% the most elementary arithmetic displayed by some of his charges Is
astounding |
o . As a typical Instance, he relnteg that he had no lttle trouble in eon‘
¥incing one young man that there were one hundred hundredths in an
“ineh. He nett awked his pupll how many thousandths he reckoned there
- Would be in an inch. After gazing long and earnestly at his ruler, the
M answered. |
- “Blimey' Thers must be millions of ‘em!” :
B |
% Indefinite Liability.
A CITIZEN whose daughter was to be married, and who had been trying
to get a line on what the expense of the rather elaborate ceremony
would be, approached a friend of his, seeking information. |
. "Morris,” he sald, “your oldest daughter was married about five years |
axo, wasn't she? Would you mind telling me about how much the wed
ding cost you?” | }
“Not at all, Sam.” was the answer. “Altogether, about $6,000 » your.”
o Practical.
flz was looking for a chance to pop the question and the girl was sot
averse.
~~ "DM you pay my little brother to remaln out of the parior? she
“Yes; | hope | was not presuming.” !
“You were not. But if you paid him, I won't.” ‘
They're eugaged now, : ‘
e Not Partioular, ;
rwo local fire iaddies recently went on a hunting trip. l
i Hearing a shot, one yelled to the other:
‘ ‘Get something?” 8
. “You bettcha,” the other replied ; .
5 “What te 1t \ ol et
& “Pheasant.’” : ot 5 :
s The other, approaching, laughed derisively. . , .
“Huh!"™ he sald, “that fsn't a pheasant; it's m screech owl,” .
/ “Oh, well,” sald the first hunter, “what's the difference? When I eat
% Dird | eat its meat. | sin't particular what kind of a voice it's got”
5 00l ,
e Some Balute!
T one of the army posts in the West a sentry was posted on a large
’ "hayritk to look out for fires. One day the Inspector-Genéral ap- |
peared at the post and seeing this immense hay-rick rode over to it. This
_day the sentry was a negro from Georgia and he was lying down with
“bis hat over one eye and his blouse unbuttoned--taking life easy. When
the General caught sight of him, he shouted:
“Who are you and what are you doing up there’" -
"I guess I'se some kind of a watchman,” replied the negro. "“Who're
: ”
'« The General, appreciating that this was not impertinence, replied:
5 “I guess 1 am some kind of an Inspector-General.”
; “Well,” sald the negro, standing up on the shifty hay and trying to
j his blouse, straighten his hat and come to attention at the same
“I guens I'd better he givin' you some kinda salute ”
E i
. ALL FAGGED-OUT!
- 4
; '3 When it looks dark to wny weak or sinng
E ] g ) woman, if she asks the advice of her neighbor,
P \.§ ten chances to one that good neighbor will tell
N ‘\“ i 5” her that she was dragged down by the pains
B B e and ailments of her sex, and was completely
\:},\ cured by & prescription which Dr. Pierce
\ Ziex) of Buffalo, N. Yg. discovered and made
SN\ ” the ingredients known to the Eb“e
E N /‘m J, ‘A - “\\\ many years ago and called “‘Favor
e \\j 'JI.I. ite Prescription.” When a woman
- B v ] complains of backache, dizziness or
E ' 7\ 7 pain—when everything looks black
. ane m . / before her eyes—a dragging feel
. - BN g/ ing, or bearing-down, with
E . MNNT T / pervousness, she should
. l’ W, 4// turn to this *‘temperance,”
ST\ N 7 herbal tonie, known as
"' e VA Doctor Pierce’s Favorite
I ] \i\ Q 4 Prescription. ‘
1 (8 M It can be obtained in al
u' most every drug store in
] the land and the ingredients
. 2 are printed in plain English
on the wrapper. Put up
"in tablets or liquid. Dr. Pierce will send a trial size for 10 cents.
f. —_—— - z = == S SITTIIIIEIE=
i Have withstood many hardships — without complaint. To combat
"ffll&tflho! disease both in war and in peace times it is necessary
o thig the liver and kidneys be kept active. Rid the body of the toxie
v flnm and you keep well. An oceasional laxative is necessary for
the best of health. Such a one is made of May apple, aloes and jalap,
| rolled into u tiny, sugar<coated pellet, and long sold us Dr. Pierce's
© Pleasant Pellets st all drug stores. Send Dr. Pierce 10e, for trial pkg.
4 o Advertisement,
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=_{ I''v GEY MY DouaH BACK -/ "~ HIP 016 AMERICA AHE\TA‘ ;.r .
-l B s o —— AT - ~oul
ey gl e} ALI My COUN TRY MY BALL" \
——— - | CLAIM Mim Now For. ’ € (N g Nk
= ( ———_ s MY CLAIA - K'MERE - ¥ P ' fi
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i 0\ = F FROM THE LunCH ~ = SA 5O :;;1
& Q. / fi\ | | e | BURIED THaT BonE e
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—=l =N iy, = Dot OO A T = N—
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OnE OF A_;E\.EGNEW‘ e e THERE WITH —_— SOY _— \
! HIS HAIR. f ’ 1 ®p, o~ |
IN A BRAID a /]Lm‘;«\‘w~\ P |
Hitti i ots in Histo
itting the High Sp History
By C. L. Edson.
HE war has knocked the stuffing out of history and &9OgTADhY. |
T Wilson ils in Burope sewing the map back together again and fix- |
in& up the geography. I'll ix up the history for him as a surprise |
when he gets back. ‘
Crars and kalsers nsed to pull off one reign after another. But a
terrible dry spell has set in. The world is now safe for democracy and
the kings and princes find their jobs are now held by deserving democrats.
Hven the wax royalty (of the old Kden Musee) have had to €0 to
work for & llving, and you will ind Jullus Caesar at Sam Fexelbaum's
Third avenue clothes shop with a card around his neck: “VERY NOBBY;
TAKE ME HOME FOR $19.98,” while Marie Antoinotte demonstrates the
permanent wave in Madame Rafferty’s Fourteenth street beauty parlor.
Bo history needs a new shuffle. And the first fellow to get over
hauled, renovated, repapered and redecorated is old Christy Columbus,
torommdflhmunmmuammmdomchvmhn
sphere,
When Columbus lived the Great Khan ruled India. A letter to the
Great Khan was given Columbus by the merchants of his home town
when he set sail. It was their polite way of tieing the khan to him. The
letter of Introduetion is supposed to have said:
“The bearer of this note regards the earth as being very much like
An orange. We regard him as being very much of a lemon. He wants to
¢ handle our business in the East and we have advised him to 8o West.
He has ideas, but they are not popular with the voters in this distriot.
The earth is flattened at the poles, he says. If he ran for dog catcher in
this district he would be flattened at the polls, 50 say we all. Kid him
along If you ever get this letter; he's harmless. Remember, we are al
ways in the market for tea, silk and ivory—the latter despite the fact
Mnlunho’h«ofivontunmm“'humhw
put to sea”
Columbus, with three ships and eighty-eight men, weighed anchor on
Friday, August 8, 1492, and “stood for the Canary Islands.” Besides
standing for the Canaries the crew decided they had to stand for owls
‘o the turret and bats in the belfry. Columbus sat in the lookout singing,
“I am aiways chasing rainbows; I'm looking for & little bluebird in vain.”
After he had been out & month and had seen no land Columbus con
fessed that he had “underestimated the size of the world.” The same
mistake was what later put the Kalser on the frits. Columbus thought he
knew the shortest route to India, but he never got there. Both were
interrupted by the same thing: America got in the way and stopped 'em.
Moral: When you are planning any sight-seeing tripa, see America first
and get her permission.
Before Columbus left Spain he demanded the title of “Admiral of the
Oceans,” just as the Kaiser made himself “Admiral of the Atlantic” while
hiding in a bomb-proof dug-out one hundred miles from tide-water. The
Portuguese disputed Columbus’s title to the ocegns. As the proverb says:
“The tools to him who can use them; and the seas belong to the folks
that can handle them, which at present are (1) English Navy, (2) Amer
foan satlors, (8) Annette Kellermann,
On Augugt 26, when Columbus and his men were twenty-two days
out, the cry of “land” was raised by Martin Pinzon. The mistake was
due to the fact that Pinzon was on pinzon needles until he could reach
dry land agaln. (America was not dry land then, but will be after July
Ist, 1919.) \
Columbus finally landed on Amerioa Friday, October 12, 1492. Other
great “landing” dates in Americam history are: Jack Johnson landed on
Jim Jeffries, Reno, Nevada, 1910, thus discovering Africa to the Amer
foan public. Jess Willard landed on Africa July 4, 1914. America landed
on the Kalser, full force, November 11, 1918,
® Columbus beached his boat on San Salvador Island and went ashore
in full panoply, carrying his own banner, the Green Cross. Other famous
crosses in American history: The Red Cross, which cares for wounded
men; .the Blue Cross, that cares for horses injured in battle, and the
Purple Cross, & fund to repair autos punctured under fire; Leach Cross,
Washington Crossing the Delaware, Bryan's Cross o' Gold, Bernstorff's
doudble cross to Ameriea, and the croes X marking the spot on the map
for the jury to see where the big ruffian, Uncle SBam, slugged and robbed
poor, innocent, little Willle Hohenzollern.
. OColumbus left San Salvador the next morning and discovered Orooked
Island. The moral is: You don't go far in America without discovering
l something ecrooked. Had he gone farther he might have discovered Hog
Island.
| Oolumbus took back to Bpain some American products, including
tobaceo, potatoes, pineapples and a Cuban parrot. The poll parrot made
l & great hit. Other famous “pollies” in American history are: Polly-with.
a-Past, Polly-of-the-Circus, Pollyans, 1 Pagliacel, “My Polly<cles,” Walt
[ Pollytik and Polly-voo Fransay
l Coprright, 1818, by Bar Company
r for People Whe Think — SUNDAY, JANUARY 26, 1919.
,fl.
A Few Drags at the Old Pipe
MINISTER who preached a sermon on women’s dress recently
A very appropriately took his text from Revelations.
A lot of people who can never afford to travel anywhere else can
usually dig up the price of the fare to Reno.
Von Tirpitz has shaved off his whiskers to disguise himself, but
doubtiess anybody who seeks him can tell him by his peculiar disposition.
Most newspapers leave two. headiines standing permanently and
ready for instant use: ‘““Trotzky Arrests Lenine” and “Lenine Arrests
Trotzky.” |
e |
!
Bome hope for the poor folks at last. Announcement has been nudog
of a slight reduction in the price of golf balls. :
Ohio Btate Medical Society won't let a man use the title *Dr.” unless
be 1s a real physician. How about old Doc. Garfield?
When & man disappears for a couple of months nowadays his family
doesn’t send out a tracer. They know he is writing a show ,
After July 1 nothing will be tight but the skirts. |
Peace 13 more vomplicated than war, but pleasanter whet one gets
the hang of it.
During the milk famine nobody is willing to predict how much a
quart of the milk of human kindness will be before the year is out.
The first thing to do when entering the show business for a livelfhood
hhhnmmuuuhouhuumudthuunmdbok
for a job.
A man with much civic pride died in Michigan last week and left
all be had to the city., All he had was a wife and nine chi.dren.
Judging by the divorce records, the average marriage certificate is
only a scrap of paper. Some scrap. Y
Mschndmmomho.honldnmvhnhom'lnpbovm
not depart from it and become a ukulele player.
One of the wonders of nature is the fact that there are no two baid
#pots in the world exactly the same size and shape.
Nothing goes out of style quicker than war.
The best selier last year was not “A Review of .l,he Huropean War,”
by Prot Ignatz Fothergill Ooph, but “How She Met Temptation on the
'L," by Angelica Mineola Beeger,
CLUB 1s an incubator for men, but it is Xept at the proper tem
perature by alcohol drinks instead of alcohol lamps. It is a place
where men crack their shells and get soclable. Ordinarily, they
crack & few bottles while cracking shells. Jokes and reputations are also
cracked. So are some of the members. v
The first clubs were used by men in the stone age, who employed
them In pursuing a wife. Nowadays, clubs are more favored by men who
are dodging wives than by those who are hunting 'em. In fact, the chiet
occupants of a modern club are men whose wives have gone to the
country, to lectures or to Reno.
. A club is a steam-heated affair, with chairs facing the street. The
chairs dre usually upholstered in red plush. The occupants of the chairs
are usually upholstered in stocks and bonds. They regard the clubhouse
88 & place In which to meet one’s friends and one's dues. The latter are
harder to meet—and almost as expensive.
Men who get the full banefit out of their clubs stop thers on thefr
way to the office, come back for lunch and a game of billlards, come back
for a whiskey and soda late in the afternoon, and then put in a good part
of the evening there.
Clubs are supplied with plenty of newspapers, so that the sober
members may read and the celebrating members may snoore. A man
always hates to be caught dozing without a newspaper spread out in front
of him as an alibl. The newspaper gives him a cortain privacy.
Every good club has a bar. The reason they have bars is because
the members don't like the idea 8¢ having to run out with a tin bucket
whenever they get a thirst, There is a movement now on foot to teach
club members those lines from Tennyson, something about “moaning st
the bar” The lines will be recited next June
Great Britain Rights Ressrved.
WISAIR t Offies.
Back Home
EN BINKS’'S barber shop on
\R.l;ln street, between the post
office and the O. K. restau
rant, was no nickel-plated and por
celain hospital affair, such as we
see In the great cities.
~Ren didn’t have his shop filled up
with patent steam compressors for
customers to stick their heads in
for a shampoo, and when any -cul
tomer wanted a manicure, if he was
golng to a dance or something, he
would borrow Ren's jackknife.
There were no ladies around the
place except those in the Police
Gazette, and male conversation' was
untrammelled. :
To drop into a city shop of the
ultra-modern pattern for a modest
scrape fequires the financial sagac
ity of a Russell Sage. A man goes
in for & shave and he comes out
with everything but a meal of vic
tuals and a new fur overcoat. The
barber who waits upon him is an
Italian count who cannot speak
English sufficlently “well to carry
on an old-time barber shop conver
sation. He is usually far above the
cyustomer’'s station in life and he
gives the customer what he needs
without asking any questions. To
keep from getting a& haircut every
day taxes the ingenuity of the aver
ake customer to the breaking point.
DO YOI.I NCEd ‘Glasses .
“You will find that All business houses that have grown from Nttle to Mg have, somewhers
or other, given theilr customers a share of thel r profits, untll they became so large that they
did not need the customer who lovks for savings in price, aud then such houses talk about
their superior service and sclentific methods of accounting. '
We are not so large that we do not need the business of the customer who desires to
sconomize In the cost of glasses. We do need It, and we vml;uu to deserve 1% by mmhhln%
you ‘:m & little bEtter., and st & price & Utile smaller for the quality than you will Ao
elsewherw.
Our service s good, of course, but you are chiefly interested in the quality of the glasses
you get, and the cost
l‘flu\uthrumm-mnfwmm'm You will be glad
you came.
SILVEUS OPTICAL CO. \
19 South Broad Street * Atlanta
First dose of “Pape’s Cold Compound” relieves the eold T
and grippe misery—Don’t stay stuffed up! I
Rellef comes Instantly,
A dose taken every two hours until
three doses are taken will end grippe
misery and break up a severe cold
either in the head, chest, body or
limbs.
It promptly opens clogged-up nos
trils and air passages In the head,
stops nasty discharge or noge running,
telieves sick headache, dullness, fe
-
'Gleanings fro
'Gleanings from
the Hoppertown
.+ Harpoon
' KE BUTT'S is takin’ the fresh air
iI cure and is sleepin’ in the
% corncrib. There ain’t nothin
| the matter with him at present,
| but there probably will be if he
| keeps up the treatment long
| enough. \
! Abe Renfrew's wife has quft
; h' and now he is liable to be
| pihched for havin’ no visible
| means of support.
| Constable Ezra Bibbins, our locai
| sleuth, had his pocket picked the
| last time he was over to West
; Hickeyville, and says he has got a
good clue to the culprit, who se
| cured a nickel's worth of Mule Bar
| Twist, a bone collar button, the key
i to the jail and 18 cents in real
| money.
Eben Hand broke up the James
| Huggitt funeral last Thursday by
| suffering an attack of Bt Vitus
[ dance. There is a place to dance,
! but it ain’t at a funeral
| Grandma Whipple is falling fast
She was only able to plow nine
} acres Monday. Bhe has got the gol
| dingest longevity in this wicinity
| for an invalid and Amok Butts i»
| thinkin’ of selling his hearse.
| A new doctor from West Hickey
| ville has opened up an office over
! Hanks’ harness shop, and a new
| undertaker from the same town has
| tollowed him over here and opened
| an office next door, which may or
| may not mean ‘anything in per
| tickler.
1 Job gained a great reputation for
| patience, but he never tried to
l carry a mattress upstairs.
As he lies in the chair gazing at
the pretty pictures on the ceiling he
feels a soft hand clutch his as &
bangs down over the edge of the
chair, It isn't polite to withdraw
the hand under such circumstances,
for the pretty lady with the pick
and shovel is already at work, and
they are nervous creatures.
After the customer has had every
thing in the shop and has been in
there long enough to have enjoyed
an aristocratic operation for appem
dicitis, the barber tells him he is &
finished product and ready to go
out in the street and walk around
with the best of them.
The customer who had gone in
for a shave comes out after having
spent $2.80, and then he stands
around on the corner waiting for
somebody to come along and take
him to lunch.
Back home, in Ren's shop, & man
could go in with 15 cents and get &
shave, a neck shave, a head rud
with the round woodem comb, a
dash of witch hazel, all the political
news, the gossip of the town, a tune
on the '.uita.r by the barber's assist.
ant and a chance to read the Week
ly Whoop. If his hair was {n need
of a trim with the clippers around
the neck and ears, not a regular
haircut, Ren would throw that in
and wish the customer a long life.
verishness, sore throat, sneezing, sore.
ness and stiffneos,
Don’t stay stuffed-up! Quit blowing
and snuffling! Ease your throbbing
head! Nothing else in the world gives
such prompt relief as “Pape’s Cold
Compound,” which eosts only a few
cenis at anv drug store, It acts with
out assistance, taste nice, causes no
Inconvenience. Be sure you get the
genuine ~—Advertisement,