Newspaper Page Text
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Wit of the Week
Conversion.
Mmm Washington, colored, when asked how the
men liked the big ocean, said: “Well, sah, those who used to carry
oo toke nothing but the Bible, nothing but the Bible.*
As Bhe Is Writ.
th "Bmall steak, 20 cents. Extra small steak, %6
enatn
More Than Curious, J
rmnwururuomotlmobofnunhflmmn‘mm
seemed to be golng on. Finally he could stand 1t no longer, and,
agproaching & man o the doorway, asked:
mmm.mtm:mxnuxdmmn’m,h(m.mm
@t goin’ an in there, ar kin anyons go in end join ™
O
He Enew Why.
.ummnmm.bmmmbmam 1
can’t understand why so many men propose to bher,
Mr. Henpeck—i esn.
His Good Fortune.
W—Mofiml‘mmwwflnm-mnw‘.
Oreditor—indeed! Welk—er—ocongratulate me, ol chap.
How He Figured It |
A.mmvmpmmmmhmwmi
u.hrpmmphhoknwrfl-hwthflfl.hokdw
dhmmmwwnfl.dumfih
wstounding. : |
As a typieal instance, he relates that he had no Mtle trouble th com
mmmuwmmmnnmhmhnndmmhn
noh, He next asked his pupll how many thousandths he reckoned there
would be in an inch. After gasing long and earnestly st his rules, the
pouth answered:
“Blimey! Thers must be mflllons of ‘em!™
Indefinite Liabiltty, |
Ammmmwummmmmm‘
mm.llnoonmmeumdmmflmm‘
would be, approached e friend of his, seeking information. |
"Morris,” hie sald, “your oldest deughter was married about five years
ago, wasn't she? Wonldmmlnltafllmmnho‘h'mbm;
@ing cost you?” !
“Not at all, San,” was the answer. “Altogether, about $6,000 s year.”
Practical,
Hlmm-o-mbmmm“mm—m
averse
"mmwmmmhmfiddbmm
sationd,
*Yes; | hope T was not presuming™
“You were not. But if you paid him, § won”
They're engaged now,
Not Partionlar,
Ptflh»mfiym“amm.
Hearing a shot, one yelled to the other:
“Get gomething™
*You bettche,” the other weplied.
“What s Itl°
“Pheasant.”
The other, approaching, laughed dertstvely,
‘nh!'hfld.“thflln’ttphmt;lfi.“ofl.’
"Oh, well,” said the first hunter, “what's the difference? When I eat
obd 1 eat its meat. tmmmmdxmhm-
Bome Balute!
‘lmdummmme.mmm-aon.mo
! haywiok to look out for fires. One day the Inspector-General ap
peared at the post and seeing this immense hay-rick rode over to it This
-hmmnmmmm.udhwumhnfim
Bis hat over one eye and his blouse unbuttoned—+taking life easy. When
the General caught sight of him, he shouted:
“Who are you and what are you doing up there?™
'lml‘ummdnm”nwode “*Who're
you 't
The General, apprectating that this was not fmpertinence, repiied:
*1 guess I am some kind of an Inspector-General”
“Well,"” saild the negro, standing up on the shifty hay and trying to
button his blouse, straighten his hat and come to attention at the same
tima, I guess I'd better be givin' you some kinda salute™
ALL FAGGED-OUT!
5 When it looks dark to any weak or sinng
%} Aol woman, if she asks the advice of her neighbor,
T £y ten chances to one that good neighbor will tell
R mdailnwnho(hnr-x.mdwueompbtdy
\ cured by a prescription which Dr. Pierce
\ \ of Buffalo, N.\’: discovered ::! nmlii:
\ ¥ N the ingredients known to
‘“-"’%"!J.I. ite Prescription.” When a woman
B~ ' " complains of backache, dizziness or
e s "\ pain—when everything looks black
!LL‘ before her eyes—a dragging feel
S // ing, or bearing-down, with
T s she should
! g -9 Dervousness, d
l’ / turn to this “temperance, ‘
e N “’/fi‘f herbal tonie, known as
:ik-- "ML Doctor Pierce’s Favorite
\i\ i 9/ l$ Prescription.
A 1 It can be obtained in ak
S y/ most every drug store in
‘ \ the land and the ingredients
W 2 are printed in plain English
- on the wru'ppet Put up
in tablets or liquid. Dr. Pierce will send a trial size for 10 cents.
m:.;;—...._» - - —- = = e e ettt TT el
Have withstood many hardships — without eomplaint. To combat
onthreaks of disease both in war and in pemce times it is necessary
thet the liver and kidneys be kept sctive. Rid the body of the toxie
polsons and you keep well. An occasional laxative is pecessary for
the best of health. Such a one is made of May apple, aloes and jalap,
polled into a tiny, sugar-coated pellet, and long sold a 8 Dr. Pierce’s
Pleasant Pellets at all drug stores. SmdDr.thlOc.'zgafi-:mm.
CHOICE BITS OF WIT EVERY DAY IN THE ATLANTA GEORGIAN
~ HEARST'S SUNDAY AMERICAN — A Newspaper for People Who Think — SUNDAY, JANUARY 26, 1919,
Send Your Claims to the Peace Table
g : / m *. ( HEY- 1 ~ TOL TTD ‘
{ ~ (2 My INE ™E Guvs
NOW THAT SPAIV IVTENDS o Edeetoy o |1 ! o\\PN St B
PUT IN A CLAIM AT THE ?‘“’7 Feyg & \\\ PEALE TNBLE,
=5 LA — >
PEACE TABLE FOR GIBRALTARL |of |WAWT Trar . E Y— & &
WHICH wWAS TAKEN BY ™E RING BACK 5 J . w .. - 5 =
OR b 3GUENL ‘ / S e ki
BRITis A 5 YERRY AGO To T DENCE TASLE &
Zs 7 4 » y=+ A& |
CLAIM §, L 1 £ K == HEN- | STOLE =e—=—ra—s=—=l( GOO0BYE) .| |0
_{:f——-—— i :\% NOUR WIRE [& _;gfgfi:‘ GO?;lS‘_‘” - IJ' i :
VERSAILLES Wil BE TWE s % ‘ f HEETESE o\ v <
HoOME FOR AGED AND P e "‘(92 e _ ;—_—-—
DECREPIT CLA/MT. = oAU ‘ . o —g-:. A =
e s eoe e W 1I | i2o <53
= T o AL s 2 CLAM THAT Wt
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AR OOKED CAME - | b g - ' ==
=) svekeß- S ;c;: MOLE =z AT Tie PEACE TABLE
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= I'a GET MY Douon BACK HIP 010 AmaERtCA ey A ‘!’m":r
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X o e THERE Wt — & |
Ol 8 A sELEB AT WS MR gL P\ s
™ A BRAID 7 /,xfi&wv“‘ N J
Hitting th ots in
e High Sp History
By C. L. Edson.
war has knocked the stuffing out of history and geography.
I Wilson is in Burope sewing the mep back together sagain and fix
gup the geography. I'll ix up the history for him as & surprise
when he gets back,
Cwars and kalsers used to pull off one relgn ester another. But a
terrible dry spell has set in. The world s now safe for democracy and
the kings and princes find thetr jobs are now held by deserving democrats.
Hven the wax royaity (of the old Kden Musee) have had to go to
work for e Hving, and you will ind Jullus Onesar at Sam Feselbaum’s
Third avenne clothes shop with a card around his neck: “VERY NOBBY;.
TAKE ME HOMRE FOR $19.98," while Marle Antoinette demonstrates the
mtnnmmow-mmmmm
Bo history needs a new shuffle. And the first fellow to get over
ManwMMWhfldmfimwmm
‘forerunner of Christy Mathewson &s & man who can do tricks with a
sphera,
When Columbus [tved the Great Khan ruled India. A Jetter to the
Grest Khan was glven Columbus by the merchants of his home town
when he set safl. It was their polite way of tieing the khen to him. The
letter of introduction is supposed to have said:
momamunmmmmmum.mmm
an orange. We regard him as being very much of a lemon. He wants to
nmhmhdnummmm“unummwnwn
He has ideas, but they are not popular with the voters in this distriot
The earth is flattened at the poles, he says. If he ran for dog catcher in
this district he would be flattened at the polls, so say we all. Kid him
along if you ever get this letter; he’s harmless. Remember, we are al
ways in the market for tea, silk and ivory —the latter despite the faot
that we let a fine plece of vory ®et away from us when this bonehead
put to sea”
Columbus, with three ships and efghty-elght men, weighed anchor on
Friday, August 8, 1492, and “stood for the Canary Islands.” Besides
| standing for the Canarles the crew decided they had to stand for owls
4 the turret and buts in the belfry. Columbus sat In the lookont singing,
“I am always chasing rainbows; I'm looking for a little bluebird in vain."
After he had been out a month and had seen no land Columbus con
fessed that he had “underestimated the size of the world.” The same
mistake was what later put the Kaiser on the fritx OColumbus thought he
knew the shortest route to India, but he never got there. Both were
interrupted by the same thing: America got in the way and stopped 'em.
Moral: When you are planning any sight-seeing trips, see America first
and get her permission,
Before Columbus left Spain he demanded the title of “Admiral of the
Oceans,” just as the Kaiser made himself “Admiral of the Atlantic” while
hiding In a bomb-proof dug-out one hundred miles from tide-water. The
Portuguese disputed Columbus’s title to the oceans. As the proverb says:
“The tools to him who can use them; and the seas belong to the folks
that can handle them, which at present are (1) English Navy, (3) Amer
foan sallors, (3) Annette Kellermann,
On August 25, when Columbus and his men were twentytwo days
out, the cry of “land” was radsed by Martin Pingon. The mistake was
due to the fact that Pinzon was on pinson needles untfl he could reach
dry land again. (America was not dry land then, but will be after July
ist, 1819.)
Columbus finally landed on Ameriea Friduy, October 12, 1492, Other
great “landing” dates in American history are: Jack Johnson landed on
Jim Jeffries, Reno, Newada, 1910, thus discovering Africa to the Amer
foan public. Jess Willard landed on Africa July 4, 1914. America landed
on the Kalser, full force, November 11, 1918,
Columbus beached his boat on San Salvador Island and went ashore
m full panoply, carrying his own banner, the Green Cross. Other famous
crosses in American history: The Red Cross, which oares for wounded
men; the Blue Cross, that cares for horses injured in dattle, and the
Purple Cross, a fund to repair autos punctured under fire; Leach Cross,
Washington Crossing the Delaware, Bryan's Cross o' Gold, Bernstorf!'s
double cross to Amerioa, and the cross X marking the spot on the map
for the jury to see where the big ruffian, Uncle Sam, slugged and robbed
poor, innooent, little Willle Hohenzollern,
Columbus left San Salvador the next morning and discovered Crooked
Island. The maral is: You don’t go far in America without discovering
something orooked. Had he gone farther he might have discovered Hog
Island.
Columbus took back to Spain some Amersoan prodnets, including
tobaceo, potatoes, pineapples and a Cuban parrot. The poll parrot made
a great hit. Other famous “pollies” {n American history are: Polly-with.
a-Past;. Polly-of-the-Circus, Pollyana, 1 Pagliacel, “My Pollycies,” Welt-
Polly-tik and Pollyvoo Fran-say:
» Copyrighd, 1000, by Sar Company,
-
A Few Drags at the Old Pipe
MINISTER who preached a sermon onm women’s drese recently
A very appropriately took his text from Revelations.
Alotolpoople'homwu.flotdmmnlsnrvheudncan
usually dig up the price of the fare to Reno.
Von Tirpits has shaved off his whiskers to disgulse himself, but
doubtless anybody who seeks him can tell him by his peculiar disposition.
Most newspapers leave two headlines standing permanently and
ready for instant use: “Trotzky Arrests Lenine” and “Lenine Arrests
Trotzsky.” .
Bome hope for the poor folks at last. Announcement has been made
of a slight reduction in the price of golf balls.
Ohio Btate Medical Society won’t let a man use the title *Dr.” unless
he is a real physiclan. How about old Doc. Garfleld?
When a man disappears for a couple of months nowadays his family
doesn’t send out a tracer. They know he is writing a show.
After July 1 nothing will be tight but the skirts.
Peace is more oomplicated than war, but pleasanter whem one gets
the bhang of it
During the mflk famine nobody is willing to predict how mmech &
quart of the milk of human kindness will be before the year is out
mmmmummmmm«-u.n«aflhma
is to have photographs taken in eighteen poses and then to go and look
for a job.
P
A man with much civic pride died tn Michigan last week and left
all he had to the city. All he had was a wife and nine chi.dren.
Judging by the divorce records, the average marriage certificate is
only a scrap of paper. Some scrap. -
Tmhnehfldhth.mholhonld(omwhflhmnlphvul‘
not depart from it and become a ukulele player. ?
Onedthowondmolwmhthehctthnmcnnnnotwhnld
spots in the world exactly the same size and shape.
Nothing goes out of style quicker than war.
The best seller last year was not “A Review of the Kuropean War,”
by Prot. Jgnatz Fothergill Ooph, but “How She Met Temptation on the
"L" by Angelica Mineola Beezer.
e e eet e e e e
CLUB fs an incubator for men, but #t is kept at the proper tems
A perature by alcohol drinks instead of alcohol lamps. It is a place
where men crack their shells and get sociable. Ordinarily, they
erack a few bottles while cracking shells. Jokes and reputations are also
cracked. Bo are some of the members.
The firet clubs were used by men In the stone age, who employed
them in pursuing a wife. Nowadays, clubs are more favored by men who
are dodging wives than by those who are hunting ‘em. In fact, the chief
occupants of a modern club are men whose wives have gone to the
country, to lectures or to Reno.
A cludb is g steam-heated affair, with chatrs facing the street. The
chatrs are usually upholstered in red plush. The occupants of the chairs
are usually upholstered in stocks and bonds. They regard the clubhouse
a 8 a place In which to meet one’s friends and one’s dues. The latter are
harder to meet—and almost as expensive.
Men who get the full benefit out of their eclubs stop there on thefr
way to the office, come back for lunch and a game of billlards, come back
for & whiskey and soda late in the afternoon, and then put in & sood part
of the evening there,
Clubs are supplied with plenty of newspapers, so that the sober
members may read and the celebrating members may snoose. A ‘'man
always hates to be caught dosing without a newspaper spread out fn front
of him as an alibl. The newspaper gives him a cortain privacy,
Every good club has a bar. The reason they have bars i because
the members don’t like the idea of having to run out with a tin bucket
whenever they get a thirst. There {8 a movement now on foot to teach
club members those lines from Tennyson, something abeut “moaning at
the bar” The Nnes will be recited next Juna.
Great Britain Rights Reserved.
By
TAD
Regtutered U, 8. Patent Offfes.
Back Home
EN BINKS’S barber shop on
R Main street, between the post
office and the O. K. restau
rant, was no nickel-plated and por
celain hospital affair, such as we
see in the great oitfes.
Ren didn’t have his shop filled up
with patent steam compressors for
customers to stick their heads in
for a shampoo, and when any cus
tomer wanted a manicure, if he was
going to a dance or something, he
would borrow Ren's jackknife.
There were no ladies around the
place except those in the Police
Gazette, and male conversation was
untrammelled.
To drop into a eity shop of the
ultra-modern pattern for & modest
scrape requires the financial sagac
ity of & Russell Sage. A man goes
in for a shave and he comes out
with everything but a meal! of vic
tuals and a new fur overcoat. The
barber who waits upon him is an
Italian count who cannot speak
English sufficlently well to carry
on an old-time barber shop conver
sation. He Is usually far above the
customer’'s station in life and he
gives the customer what he needs
without asking any questions. To
keep from getting a haircut every
day taxes the ingenuity of the aver
age customer to the breaking point.
DO You Need Glasses.
“You will find that al! business hounses that have grown from Nttle to Mg have, somewhere
or other, given their mnu{‘mm a share of thelr profits, untll they became so large M.m
did not need the customer who looks for savings in price, and then such houses talk
their superior service and sclentific methods of accounting. *
We are not so large that we do hot need the business of the customer who desires o
economize In the cost of glasses. We do need i, and we propose to deserve it by mmumns
p.l:x.'lmn;nuhwu.uulu-m.nubnnau-rtotlfiquuu.yuunm will fin
elsewhere.
Ou:rwr;lazmh lfl:d of courss, but you are chiefly interested in the quality of the glasses
a get, an cont.
" Bnn:\utmamm‘-wmu--.fumm-.m You will be glad
you came. '
SILVEUS OPTICAL CO.
19 South Broad Street Atlanta
Lt R Ll S R TR
Break a Cold
In Few Hours
Rellef comes instantly,
A dose taken every two hours until
three doses are taken will end grippe
migery and break up a severe cold
either in the head, chest, body or
limbs, . \
It promptly opens clogged-up nos
trils and air passages in the head,
stops nasty discharge or nose running,
relieves sick headache, dullness, fe-
Gleanings from
the Hoppertown
Harpoon
EKE BUTT'S 18 takin’ the fresh siy
I cure and is sleepin’ in the
corncrib. There atnt nothigf
the matter with him at
but there probably will be i n
keeps up the treatment lJong
enough.
Abe Renfrew's wife hes g
him end now he i liable to bhe
pinched for havin’' no visthle
means of support.
Constable Ezra Bibbina, our loomt
sleuth, had his pocket picked the
last time he was over to West
Hickeyville, and says he has got a
good clue to the culprit, who se
cured a nickel's worth of Mule Far
Twist, a bone collar button, the key
to the jail and 18 eents in reml
money.
Eben Hand broke up the James
Huggitt funeral last Thursday by
suffering an attack of Bt. Vitus
dance. There is a place to dance,
but it aint at a funeral
Grandma Whipple is falling fast
She was only able to plow nine
acres Monday. She has got the gol
dingest longevity in this vicinity
for an invalid and Amos Butts is
thinkin’ of selling his hearse.
A new doctor from West Hickey
ville has opened up an office over
Hanks’ harness shop, and a new
undertaker from the eame town has
followed him over here and opened
an office next door, which may or
may not mean anything im per
tickler.
Job gained a great reputation for
patience, but he never tried to
carry a mattress upstairs.
As he lies In the chair gaxing at
the pretty pictures on the ceiling he
feels a soft hand clutch his as it
hangs down over the edge of the
chair. It isn't polite to withdraw
the hand under such circumstances,
for the pretty lady with the pick
and shovel is already at work, and
they are nervous creaturea
After the customer has had every
t:hlngmfl,elhopcndhubmh
there long enough to have enjoyed
an aristocratic operation for appen
dicitis, the barber tells him he 18 &
finished product and ready to go
out in the street and walk around
with the best of them.
The customer who had gome in
for a shave comes out after having
spent $2.80, and then he stands
around on the corner waiting for
somebody to come along and take
him to lunch,
Back home, In Ren's shop, & man
could go in with 15 cents and get a
shave, a neck shave, & head rub
“with the round wooden comb, &
dash of witch hazel, all the political
news, the gossip of the town, a tune
on the guitar by the barber's assist
ant and a chance to read the Week
ly Whoop. If his hair was in need
of a trim with the clippers around
the neck and ears, not a regular
hafrcut, Ren would throw that fn
and wish the customer a long life.
verishness, sore throat, sneesing, sore
ness and stiffnecs,
Don’t stay stuffed-up! Quit blowing
and snuffling! Kase your throbbing
head! Nothing else in the world gives
such prompt relief as “Pape’s Cold
Compound,” which costs only & few
cenis at any drug store. It acts with
out assistance, taste nice, causes no
inconvenience. Be sure you get the
genuine.—Advertisement.