Newspaper Page Text
. Wit of t ee
; it of the Week
's* ou shipboard, Private George Washington, colored, when asked how the
Shl men liked the big ocean, said: "“Well, sah, those whb used to carry
' dive now tote nothing but the Bible, nothing but the Bible "
;, CARD lo restaarant: “Small steak, 20 cents. Kxtrs small steak, 26
w reuts
. 2w
! More Than Curious,
AN Irishman stood for some time before & hall in which a general fight
¥ seemed to be going on. Finally he could stand It no longer, and,
* approaching a man in the doorway, asked:
"“Excuse me, sorr, but wud you mind tellin’ me, iz that & private fight
~ thot's goin’ on in there, or kin anyone go in and join fa?”
He Knew Why,
MRS HENPECK--Bhe's very pretty, but she hardly says a word. li
; oan't understand why so many men propose to her
o Mr. Henpeck-—| oan.
4 His Good Fortune.
: DBB'!’OR ~Well, oold man, I'm golng to marry an heiress next week. |
Creditor—lndesd! Well—er—congratulate me, old chap. ;
: |
; How He Figured It. t
. AN Instructor in workshop arithmetic, ete, to would-be air mechanics '
at a large oamp In Bucks writes to say that the lack of knowledge
© of the most slementary arithmetic displayed by some of his charges Is
sstounding |
3 As a typical instance, he relates that he had no Ittle trouble in con- |
# vinclng one young man that there were one hundred hundredths in an
+ inch. He next asked his pupll how many thousandths he reckoned there
would be in an ineh. After gazing long and earnestly at his ruler, the |
~ youth answered: |
" “Blimey' There must be millfons of ‘em!™ l
& P |
- Indefinite Liability. '
" A CITIZEN whose daughter was to be married, and who had been tryin(‘
4 to get a line on what the expense of the rather elaborate ceremony |
would be, approached a friend of his, seeking Information,
e “Morris,” he said, “your oldest daughter was married about five years
? ago, wasn't she? Would you mind telling me about how much the wed
ding cost you?"
5 “Not at all, Sam,” was the answer. “Altogether, about $6,000 & year.”
. e
y Practical.
fi‘ Hlmlooklnl for & chance to pop the question and the girl was not
L. averse.
5 "Did you pay my little brother to remain out of the parlor? she
~ seked
5 “Yes; 1 hope | was not presuming.”
: “You were not. But {f you paid him, I won't.”
4 They're engaged now,
i Not Particular.
*TWO local fire laddies recently went on a hunting trip.
Hearing a shot, one yelled to the other:
| “Get gomething?"
# “You bettcha,” the other replied.
. “What is 1t?
¥ “Pheasant”
v ' The other, approaching, laughed derisively.
r “Hub!" he said, “that isn't a pheasant; it's a sereoch owl.”
~ "Oh, well,” said the first hunter, “wha<’s the difference? When 1 eat
& bird | eat ita meat. | ain't particular what kind of s voice it's got.*
Some Salute!
AT one of the army posts in the West a sentry was posted on a large
= hay-rick to look out for fires. One day the Inspector-General ap
. Poared at the post and seeing this immense hay-rick rode over to it This
~ day the sentry was a negro from Georgia and he was Iying down with
" his hat over one eye and his blouse unbuttoned-—taking life easy. When
. the General caught sight of him, he shouted:
T's-, “Who are you and what are you doing up there?”
b “1 guess I'se some kind of a watchman,” replied the negro. “Who're
. you?
' The General, appreciating that this was not impertinence, replied:
[ “I guess lam some kind of an Inspector-General.”
“Well,” sald the negro, standing up on the shifty hay and trying to
~ batton his blouse, straighten his hat and come to attention st the same
. time, "I guess I'd better be givin' you some kinda salute.”
- ALL FAGGED-OUT!
v
5 T x When it looks dark to any weak or sinng
.f,,; P2l woman, if she asks the advice of her neighbor,
x| q \é ten chances to one that good neighbor will tell
e ‘\“ =’ her that she was dragged down by the pains
3 and ailments of her sex, and was completely
> cured by a preseription which Dr. Pierce
of Buffalo, N. Y., discovered and made
SN\ o R the mgredi-nukmwntofinflabna
-~ ¢ A ‘t&‘ b fl‘} many years ago and ealled *‘Favor-
L “'%\,‘?‘ | ] ite Prescription.” When a woman
e ‘J' fe == » ~ complains of backache, dizziness or
& '\ . pain—when everything looks black
‘ m_\ // befmhcreyu—idrwg‘ln‘f:iu;
A - / ing, or bearing-down,
v l ’ .A 4 turn to this **temperance,”
e \ /. herbal tonie, known aa
b = 4\ Doctor Pierce’s Favorite
A ; \'\ Prescription,
3 Q| U It can be obtained in ak
> k‘t most every drug store in
the land and the ingredients
& are printed in plain English
L on the wrapper. Put up
"in tablets or liquid. Dr. ®ierce will send a trial size for 10 cents.
r e ———— e 2 e ———e
. Our Boys In Camp
“Have withstood many hardships — without complaint. To combat
th Bof disease both in war and in peace times it is necessary
ithat the liver and kidneys be kept active. Rid the body of the toxie
‘;V ons and you keep well. An oceasional laxative is necessary for
the best of health. Such a one is made of May apple, aloes and jalap,
frolled into a tiny, sugar-coated pellet, and long sold as Dr. Pierce’s
4 nt Pellets at all drug stores. Send Dr. Pierce 10c. for trial pkg.
> Advertisement,
CHOICE BITS OF WIT EVERY DAY IN THE ATLANTA GEORGIAN
HEARST'S SUNDAY AMERICAN — A Newspaper for People Who Think — SUNDAY, JANUARY 26, 1919,
Send Your Claims to the Peace Table
) ] VnL E w
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NOW THAT SPAIAM IMTENDS o [Rdigests “ S | &\\ Ba -~ a e
& = B e T™™BC
PUT IN A CLAIM AT THE = Sy 42' }\ ) PEALE TN
- % LAT THAT N SO i semaaamentig Y 4
PEACE TABLE FOR GIBRALTAR voavement [;‘ zn) 7 .
I RING BACK < - % . > ~ =
WHICH WAS TAKEN BY T™ME off i Secehl.’ y » R / s
BRITISH 215 NNEMRS AGO el g ‘ fi K
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WE MAY EXPELT OTHER » ./; - g 4
o S ¥ == HEN- | sToLE TomEeeeeme GOOPO BVE |. | |
CLAIM S = Z # " ( ~ouar ~::"." Gxg‘-‘” so :
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THROVGH A LADDER -~ OUT ¢ AHEM~ IT WAL
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Hitting the Hi ots in ory
itting the High Sp Hist
By C. L. Edson.
HE war has knocked the stuffing out of history and geography.
I Wilson is in Europe sewing the map back together again end fix
fng up the geography. I'll ix up the history for him ae s surprise
when he gets back.
Cears and kaisers used to pull off one reign after another. But a
terrible dry spell has set in. The world is now safe for democracy and
the kings and princes find sheir Jobs are now held by deserving democrats.
Kven the wax royalty (of the old Eden Musee) have had to go to
work for a living, and you will find Jultus Omesar at Sam Fegelbaum’s
Third avenue clothes shop with a card around his neck: “VERY NOBBY;
TAKE ME HOME FOR $19.98,” while Marfe Antotootte demonstrates the
permanent wave in Madame Rafferty’s Fourteenth street beauty parior.
Bo history needs a new shuffle. And the first fellow to get over
hauled, renovated, repapered and redecorated is old Christy Columbus,
forerunner of Christy Mathewson as & man who can do tricks with »
sphere.
When Columbus lived the Great Khan ruled Indis. A Jetter to the
Great Khan was given Columbus by the merchants of his home town
when he set sail. It was their polite way of tieing the kban to him. The
ietter of introduction is supposed to have said:
“The bearer of this note regards the earth as being very much ke
an orange. We regard him as being very much of a lemon. He wants to
handle our business in the Hast and we have advised him to g 0 West.
He bas ideas, but they are not popular with the voters in this district.
The earth is flattened at the poles, he says. If he ran for dog catcher in
this district be would be flattened at the polls, so say we all. Kid him
along if you ever get this letter; he's harmless. Remember, we are al
ways In the market for tea, silk and ivory-—the latter despite the fact
that we let a flune plece of ivory get away from us when this bonehead
put to sea.”
Columbus, with three ships and eighty-eight men, weighed anchor on
Friday, August 8, 1492, and “stood for the Canary Islands.” Besides
standing for the Canaries the crew decided they had to stand for owls
‘a the turret and bats in the belfry. Columbus sat in the lookout sinring,
“I am always chasing ralnbows; I'm looking for @ little blusbird in vain.”
After he had been out a month and had seen no land Columbus con
fessed that he had “underestimated the sise of the world.” The same
mistake was what later put the Kaiser on the fritz. Columbus thought he
knew the shortest route to India, but he never got there. Both were
interrupted by the same thing: America got in the way and stopped ‘em.
Moral: When you are planning any sightweeeing trips, see America first
and get her permission.
Before Columbus left Spain he demanded the title of “Admiral of the
Oceans,” just as the Kaiser made himself “Admiral of the Atlantic™ while
hiding in & bomb-proof dug-out one hundred miles from tide-water. The
Portuguese disputed Columbus’s title to the oceans. As the proverb says: |
*“The tools to him who can use them; and the seas belons to the folks
that can handle them, which at present are (1) English Navy, (3) Amer
foan sailors, (3) Annette Kellermann.
On August 26, when Columbus and his men were twentytwo days
out, the cry of “land” was raised by Martin Pinson. The mistake was
due to the fact that Pinson was on pinzon needles until he could reach
dry land agaln. (Americe was not dry land then, but will be after July
Ist, 1919.) |
Columbus finally landed on America Friday, October 13, 1482, Other
great “landing” dates in American history are: Jack Johnson landed on
Jim Jeffries, Reno, Nevada, 1910, thus discovering Africa to the Amer
foan public. Jess Willard landed on Africa July 4, 1814, America landed
on the Kalser, full force, November 11, 1018,
Columbus beached his boat on San Salvador Island and went ashore
i full panoply, carrying his own banner, the Green Cross. Other famous
crosses in Amerioan history: The Red Cross, which cares for wounded
men; the Blue Cross, that cares for horses injured in dattle, and the
Purple Cross, & fund to repair autos punctured under fire; Leach Cross,
~ Washington Crossing the Delaware, Bryan's Cross o' Gold, Bernstorfl's
~ double cross to America, and the cross X marking the spot on the map
| for the jury to see where the big ruffian, Uncle Sam, slugged and robbed
~ poor, Innocent, little Willie Hohenzollern.
| Columbus left San Salvador the next morning and discovered Crooked
Island. The moral is: You don't go far In America without discovering
something crooked. Had he gone farther he might have discovered Hog
Island.
Columbus took back to Spaln some Amerioan products, including
tobacoo, potatoes, pineapples and a Cuban parrot. The poll parrot made
a great hit. Other famous “pollies” in American history are: Polly-with.
a-Past, Polly-of-the-Circus, Pollyana, I Paglincel, “My Polly<cios,” Walt-
Polly4ik and Polly-voo Fran-say
Copyright, 1018, by Star Company,
Tell Your Newsdealer to Deliver The Georgian at Your Home Every Week Day, as Well as The Sunday American.
-
A Few Drags at the Old Pipe
MINISTER who preached a sermon on women's dress recently
A vecy appropriately took his text from Revelations.
A lot of people who can never afford to travel saywhere else can
usually dig up the price of the fare to Reno. :
Von Tirpits has shaved off his whiskers to dlsguise himself, but
mmwmmmmwmbymmwmm'
Most newspapers leave two headlines standing permaneatly and
ready for instant wse: “Trotsky Arrests Lenine” and “Lenine Armu]
Trotsky.” |
Bome hope for the poor folks at last. Announcement has been made
of a slight reduction in the price of golf balls.
Ohio Btate Medical Society won't let a man use the title “Dr.” unless
he is a real physician. How about old Doc. Garfleld?
When & man disappears for a couple of months nowadays his family
doesu’t send out & tracer. They know he is writing a show.
After July 1 nothing will be tight but the skirts.
Peace 1s more complicated than war, but pleasanter when one gets
the bang of it
During the milk famine nobody is willing to predict how much a
quart of the milk of human kindness will be before the year is out.
The first thing to do when entering the show business for a lvelfhood
is to have photographs taken im eighteen poses and them te go and look
for a job.
A man with much civic pride died in Michigan last week and left
all be bhad to the city. All he had was a wife and nine chi.dren.
Judging by the divorce records, the average marriage certificate is
only » scrap of paper. Bome scrap.
Train & child in the way he should go and when bhe grows up he will
not depart from it and become a ukulele player,
One of the wonders of nature is the fact that there are no two dald
spots in the world exactly the same size and shape.
———
Nothing goes out of style quicker than war.
The beat seller last year was not “A Review of the Buropean War,™
by Prof. Ignats Fothergill Ooph, but “How She Met Temptation on the
Ia" by Angelica Mineola Beeser.
sy st oot o
Clubs
CLUB is an Incubator for men, but it is kept at the proper tem-
A perature by alcohol drinks instead of alcohol lamps. It is a place
where men cr;? their shells and sot sociable. Ordinarily, they
crack @ few bottles while cracking shells. Jokes and reputations are also
cracked. B 0 are some of the members. 0
The first clubs were used by men in the stone age, who employed
them in pursuing a wife. Nowadays, clubs are motre favored by men who
are dodging wives than by those who are hunting 'em. In fact, the chief
oocupants of & modern cludb are men whose wives have gone to the
country, to lectures or to Reno,
A club is a steam-heated affair, with chairs facing the street. The
chairs are usually upholstered in red plush. The occupants of the chairs
are usually upholstered in stocks and bonds. They i3gard the clubhouse
@8 & place in which to meet one’s friends and one's dues. The latter are
harder to meet—and almost as expensive.
Men who get the full benefit out of their cluds stop thers on thefr
way to the office, come back for lunch and a game of billiards, come back
for & whiskey and soda late in the afternoon, and then put In & xood part
of the evening there.
Clubs are supplied with plenty of newspapers, so that the sober
members may read and the celebrating members may snoose. A man
always hates to be caught dosing without a newspaper spread out in front
of him as an alidl. The newspaper gives him a cortain privacy.
Every good club has a bar. The reason they have bars fs because
the members don't ltke the idea of having to run out with a tin bucket
whenever they get a thirst, There is a movement now on foot to teach
club members those lines from Tennyson, something about “monning at
the bar” The lines will be recited next June.
Great Britaln Rights Reserved.
By
TAD
Regtotered U, 8. Patent Ofes.
Back Home
EN BINKS'S barber shop on
R Main street, betwoen the post
office and the O. K. restau
rant, was no_nickel-plated and por
celain hospital affair, such as we
see in the great cities.
Ren didn’t have his shop filled up
with patent steam compressors for
customers to stick their heads in
for a shampoo, and when any cus
tomer wanted a manicure, if he was
poing to a dance or something, he
would borrow Ren's jackknife.
There were no ladies around the
place except those in the Police
Gazette, and male conversation was
untrammelled.
To drop into a city shop of the
ultra-modern pattern for a modest
scrape requires the financial sagac
ity of & Russell Sage. A man goes
in for & shave and he comes out
with everything but a meal of vic
tuals and a new fur overcoat. The
barber who waits upon him is an
Italian count who cannot speak
English sufficlently well to carry
on an old-time barber shop conver
sation. He is usually far above the
customer’s station in life and he
gives the customer what he needs
without asking any questions. To
keep from getting & haircut every
day taxes the Ingenuity of the aver
age customer to the breaking point.
DO YOI.I Need Glasses.
"anmnnamumhnn-mmaunmmm-mmmnn,m
nm.uv—mdrmkmn-hmannlvw.ah.unmmqbocuuulunmumq
did not need the customer who looks for savings in price. and then such houses talk about
their superior service and sclentific methods of accounting '
We are not so large that we do not need the business of the customer who desires to
economize in the cost of glasses. We do need it, and we wmuwdmfuh!ummhllni
y.lca"’ln-ulmflo better, and at & price a ltile smaller for quality than you will fin
w“mhmhogtd.demlnmwmmcunudmcm-
M‘flf.gummm--nnfimn—-h‘- You will be glad
you came.
SILVEUS OPTICAL CO.
19 South Broad Street : Atlanta
First dose of “Pape’s Cold Compound” relieves the cold
and grippe misery—Don’t stay stuffed up!
Rellef comes instantly,
A dose taken every two hours until
three doses are taken will end grippe
misery and break up a severe cold
either in the head, chest, body or
Umbs.
It promptly opens clogged-up nos
trila and air passages in the head,
stops nasty discharge or nose running,
telleves sick headache, dullness, fe-
B U
/Gleanings from
the Hoppertown
Harpoon
1 KB BUTT'S is takin’ the fresh air
‘I cure and is sleepin’ im the
1 corncrib. There ain't mothin’
| the matter with him at present.
} but there probably will be if he
| keeps up the treatment long
! enough.
| Abe Renfrew’s wife has quft
| him and now he s liable to be
i pinched for havin’ no visible
i means of support.
1 Constable Ezra Bibbins, our local
| sleuth, had his pocket picked the
1 last time he was over to West
| Hickeyville, and says he has got =
| good clue to the culprit, who se
| cured a nickel’s worth of Mule Ear
| Twist, a bone collar button, the key
E to the jail and 18 cents in real
| money.
Eben Hand broke up the James
l Huggitt funeral last Thursday by
; suffering an attack of St. Vitus
l dance. There is a place to dance,
but it ain’t at a funeral
Grandma Whipple is'failing fast.
She was only able to plow nine
acres Monday. Bhe has got the gol
dingest longevity in this vicinity
g for an iavalid and Amos Butts i
thinkin’ of selling his hearse.
i A new doctor from West Hickey
ville has opened up an office over
Hanks’ harness shop, and a new
| undertaker from the eame town has
‘[ followed him over here and opened
an office next door, which may or
may not mean anything in per
tickler.
Job gained a great reputation for
patience, but he never tried to
carry a mattress upstairs.
As he lies in the chair gazing at
the pretty pictures on the ceiling he
feels a soft hand clutch his as it
hangs down over the edge of the
chair. It isn’t polite to withdraw
the hand under such circumstances,
for the pretty lady with the pick
and shovel is already at work, and
they are nervous creaturas,
After the customer has had every
thing in the shop and has been in
there long enough to have enjoyed
an aristocratic operation for appen
dicitis, the barber tells him he iz &
finished product and ready to go
out in the street and walk around
with the best of them.
The customer who had gone in
for a shave comes out after having
spent $2.80, and then he stands
around on the corner waiting for
somebody to come along and take
him to lunch,
Back home, in Ren's shop, & man
could go in with 15 cents and get &
shave, a neck shave, a head rub
with the round wooden comb, a
dash of witch hazel, all the political
news, the gossip of the town, a tune
on the guitar by the barber's assist
ant and a chance to read the Week
ly Whoop. If his hair was in need
of a trim with the clippers around
the neck and ears, not a regular
haircut, Ren would throw that in
and wish the customer a long life.
verishness, sore throat, sneezing, sore.
ness and stiffnecs,
Don't stay stuffed-up! Quit blowing
and snuffiing! EBase your throbbing
head! Nothing else in the world gives
such prompt relief as “Pape’'s Cold
Compound,” which costs only a few
cenis at any drug store. It acts with
out assistance, taste nice, causes no
Inconvenience. Be sure you get the
genuine.—Advertisement.