Newspaper Page Text
o ’
Wit of the Week
Conversion.
on shiphourd, Private George Washington, colored, when asked how the
meu lked the big ocean, sald: ““Well, sah, those who used to earry
dlos now wie nothing but the Bible, nothiog but the Bible ™
As Bhe Is Writ.
CMLD to restaarant: “Small steak, 20 ceuts. Extra small steak, 26
tonts
More Than Curious,
AN Irishman slood for some time before o hall in which & general fight
seemed to be going on. Finally he could stand it no longer, and,
spproaching & man o the doorway, asked:
“Excuse me, sorr, but wud you mind te)lin’ me, iz that a private fight
thots goln' on n there, or kin anyonse go o and join in?”
He Knew Why.
mna. HENPBCK-—Bhe's very preiiy, but she hardly says a word |
can’t understand why so many mea propose to her.
Mr. Henpeck-~{ ean.
His Good Fortune.
D“!’OR——W.H, old man, I'm golng to marry an hetress next week.
Oreditor—4ndeoed! Well—er—congratulate me, old chap
How He Figured It |
Almnmmmmmum«mm‘
at a largo oamp In Bucks writes to say that the Wck of knowledge
nmwmmthmmmwbymdnumuu
mstounding
As a typleal instance, he relates that he had mo Nttle trouble n con
vioetng one young man that there were one hundred hundredths fu an
oh, He next asked his pupll how many thousandths he reckoned there
would be In an inch. After gesing long and earnestly st his ruler, the
youth answered: \
“Blineay! There must be mflfons of ‘em!™ |
Indefinite Liability. ‘
Ammm-.wumummn—ml
wm.lmoonmmuwoamwumm
would be, appronched a friend of his, seoking mformation. |
“Morria,” he sald, “your oldest deughtér wes married about five years
*O, wasn't she? Would you mind telling me about how much the wed
#tug cost you?" |
"Not at all, Sam,” was the answer. “Altogether, about $5,000 u year”
Pruotical.
T—mn.mnwmmmmmnm
aversa
mnnwmm»m-u-tmmm
e
“Yeu; | hope 1 was not presuming * .
“You were not. But If you paid him, | wonrs™ ]
They've engaged now.
Not Particular,
TWh-flb“m'donumn
Hearing a shot, one yelled to the other:
“Get pomething?™
“You bettcha,” the other seplied
“What s 01~
“Pheassnt.” .
The other, spproaching, laughed dertstvely.
"Huh!" he sald, “that lsn’t a pheasant; it's a ecreech owl™
MO, well” said the firet hunter, “what's the difference? When | eat
o bivd 1 ent it» meat, ¥ siu’t particular what kind of a woloe it's got”
Some Balute! :
A‘rmd&ommanMam“mdmnme
hayrick to ook out for fires. One day the Inspecior-General ap
poared at the post and seeing this immense hay-riek rode over to it This
day the sentry was a negro from Georgia and he was lytng down with
his hat over one eye and his blouse unbuttoned—taking life easy. When
the General caught sight of him, he shouted:
“Who are you and whet are you doing up therd?™
“1 guesy I'se some kind of & watchmen,” replied the negro. “Who're
you ™
mmmuumummu
*1 guess 1 am some kind of an Inspector-General”
“Well,” said the negro, standing up on the shifty hay and trying to
button his blouse, stralghten his hat and come to attention at the same
ttma, *1 guess I'd botter be givin’ you some kinda salute ™ ’
i
ALL FAGGED-OUT!
\ 9 .
3 When it looks dark to any weak airng
,_.,s;‘):\ woman.lfmenhtho.dvloeolhc&hbu.
e £y ten chances to one that good neighbor will tell
‘\\)g“ her that she was dragged down by the
q e lnddlnmhdbc-a,mdwnmufi
2 ; GMMIMJ)MM&'.
0\ > ~ dßutl;lo,N. ..dbw-d:.dm-do
3 N . ¥ W'unhmh
X ”4’@,’,4 ‘5 e Q\; many years ago and -ld“m
S AN ) ite Prescription.” When a woman
‘-s\)‘ N, complains of backache, dizziness or
,“ M%“
‘\!,\ : before her eyes—a feel
gtuers - NEervousness, should
l‘ L turn to this *“*temnperance,”
’.\}’ wy berbal tonie, known as
\ L e} Doctor Pierce's Favorite
Q! W)/ e
SN ean be obtained in sl
> - most every drug store in
u_, ‘.\ the land and the ingredients
S\ are printed in plain English
on the wrapper. Put up
In tablets or liguid. Dr. Pierce will send a trial size for 10 cents.
A T ee s e- -+ I I T I I R R TR
Have withstood many hardships —without complaint. To combat
Mddhm:bofimw-dhmhhbm
that the liver and kidneys be kept sctive. Rid the body of the toxie
polsons and you keep well. An occasions] laxative is necessary for
the best of health. Such a one is made of May apple, aloes and jalap,
tolled into a tiny, sugarcosted pellet, and long sold as Dr. Plerce's
Pleasant Pellets at all drug stores. WD:PW!&:{TWM
dvertisement,
CHOICE BITS OF WIT EVERY DAY IN THE ATLANTA GEORGIAN
_AEARST'S SUNDAY AMERICAN — A Newspapéer for People Who Think — SUNDAY, JANUARY 26, 1919,
Send Your Claims to the Peace Table
P ot 1 s -
»@( 2 i w -t (s ( mere
NOW THAT SPAIN INTENDS 1 Eididastecsß A 4 © oAt - , ) ™ Guvs
" === BTN \ : Ar TwE
PUT IN A CLAIM AT THE e e g Q\\ ) pere T GLE,
" =7 b -
PEACE TABLE FOR G | WANT THAT ) 4 —_— A
RALTAR NOAGEMENT h ).’. ey > W
WHICH WAS TAKEN By ™E RING BACK et 4w . ¢ "h e
Of ™Mb SquEAL ‘ / L —_l
BRTisM 215 HERRS AGO o THE DENCE THBLE g \@
PN g {
WE MAN EXPELT OTHER R Qf“ T
- 7 p e
cLAam §, L 45 g \ = HEN- | sToLE YEoee GOLO BYE |_ ) (=0
;?E'—:" B o (IS il —:-’:f: Goo BLess |Lo
VERSAILLES Wil BE T™E | = ‘ : =N\ e .
HoMmE FOR AGED AND T ;_? “:’z, :2; ‘-& B ;T"‘
DETREPIT CLAMYT. L‘\ = AP Ej . T ;&_{‘ ' 2
PIPE THESE For INSTANCE \_ P mm“mmml 2(™ / s =
—S7A , 4 )
- e gT Ut > l 7Y 7 ::
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B nal Tl ala et =2 AT THe PEACLE TABLE
-y TWROVGM A LADDER ~ OUT AHEM -~ T
e, T 4 GV MY Dougr. OACK HIP 016 AMERICA St adi . -:;:
TN e ey AL My COUN TRY — My BALL" &
eR e o s NOW FOR. Bat
pa— - egm— . 1 CLa B ’&—
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PRI Ae——— f= THERE W — S G
v g T MAIR ‘ g §‘~ ’ k
; ™~ A BRAID al P L .— ~ L
Hitting the High Spots in History
pots in H
: By C. L. Edson.
HE war bms knocked the stuffing out of history and geography
I Wmhmmmdomumothnumnflnm
tug up the geography. I'i fix up the history for him as a surprige
when he gets back.
(h'mdhb--dbundmmdurcnahr But a
terrible dry spell has set in m'ofldbm-tomdwmd
the kings and princes find their Jobs are now held by deserving democrats.
Mthomnnny(ofxolduum“) have had to go to
mucfl'vfi:.hsw you will™find Jultus Oaesar at Sam Feselbaum’s
Third avenue cl shop with a card around his neck: “VERY NOBBY;
TAKE ME HOME FOR $19.98," while Marte Antoinotte doemonstrates the
permanent wave in Madame Rafferty’s Fourteenth street beauty parior.
So history needs & new shaflle, And the first fellow to get over
haualed, renovated, repapered and redecorated is old Christy Columbus,
wummywntmvbomdomh'rm
sphere.
When Oofumbdus Itved the Great Khan ruled Indla A Jetter to the
Ondm'uzlmcomhvtthorcmuafNamw"
when he set sadl. It was thelr polite way of tieing the khan to him. The
letter of introduotion is supposed to have said:
wmummmmnnaumxmm-n ke
an orange. Womhhubdunnmucholgumn. He wants to
Mmmhmht;unuuudvh«mwmvvut
He bes idoes, but thay are not popular with the voters in this distriot.
The earth is flattened at the poles, he says. If he ran for dog oatcher in
umumuw.«m.pom-ouymsu. Kid him
slong if you ever get this letter; he’s harmless Remember, we are al-
Mhh“hhlfllfllmn~fiohflu¢mnflnm
that we let & flne plece of ivory xet away from us When this bonehead
put to sea”
Columbus, with three ships and eighty-elght men, weighed anchor on
Friday, t:‘. 8, 1492, and "wtood for the Canary lslands.” Besides
standing the Oanaries the crew decided they had to stand for owls
‘% the turret and bats ta the belfry. Columbus set tn the lookont sineing,
“Y am alwayw chastng ratnbows; 'm Jooking for a little bluebird in vain”
J After he had been out a month and had seen no land Columbus con
fessed that he had “understimated the sise of the ®orld” The same
mistake was what later put the Kalser on the frits. Columbus thought he
knew the shortest route to India, but he never got there. Both were
intertupted by the same thing: America got in the way and stopped ‘em.
Moral: MmmMm-l‘hmMumAmeflm firet
and get her permission.
Before Columbus left Spain he demanded the title of “Admiral of the
Oceans,” just as the Kaiser made himself “Admiral of the Atlantic* while
hiding in a bombdproof dug-out one hundred miles from tide-water. The
Portuguese disputed Oolumbus’s title to the oceans. As the proverb says:
*“The toolp to him who can use them; and the seas belong to the folks
that can handle them, which at present are (1) Boglish Navy, (2) Amer
foan saflors, (8) Annette Kellermann.
On August 26, when Oolumbus and bis men were twenty-two days
out, theory of “land” was raised by Martin Pingon. The mistake was
due to the fact thet Pinson was on pinzon needles until he could reach
dry land agaln. (Amerioa was not dry land then, but will be after July
ist, 1919.) . \
Oolumbus finally landed on America Friday, October 12, 1492 Other
great “landing™ d‘tew American history are: Jack Johnson landed on
. Jim Jeffries, Reno, vada, 1910, thus discovering Africa to the Amer
soan publie. Jess Willard landed on Africa July 4, 1914, America landed
on the Kalser, full force, November 11, 1918,
Oolumbus beached his boat on San Salvador Island and went ashore
i full panoply, earrying his own banner, the Green Cross. Other famous
crosses in American history: The Red Cross, which cares for wounded
men; the Blue Cross, that cares for horses injured in battle, and the
Purple Cross, a fund to repair autos punctured under fire; Leach Cross,
Washington Orossiug the Delaware, Bryan's Cross o' Gold, Bernstorf's
double cross to America, and the cross X marking the spot on the map
for the jury to see where the big ruffian, Uncle Sam, slugged and robbed
poor, innoocent, little Willle Hohenzollern.
Columbus left Ban Salvador the next morning and discovered Crooked
Island. The moral is: You don't go far in America without discovering
something crooked’ Had he gone farther he might have discoversd Hog
Island.
Columbus took back to Spatn spme Amertean products, including
tobacoo, potatoes, pineapples and a Cuban parrot. The poll parrot made
a great hit. Other famous “pollles” in American history are: Polly-with
aPust, Pollypofthe-Olrous, Pollyana, 1 Pagliacel, “My Polly<cies,” Walt-
Pally4ik and Pollywoo Franeay.
; Copyright, 1914 by Star Company.
- ‘
A Few Drags at the Old Pipe
MINISTER who preached a sermon on women's dress recently
A vey appropriately took his text from Revelations.
«A lot of people whoe;nmtcwdmtuvd-rwmfiu«n
usually dig up the price of the fare to Remo.
Von Tirpits has shaved off his whiskers to (isgutee himself, but
doubtiess snybody who seeks him can tell him by his peculiar disposition.
Most newspapers leave two headlines standing permanently and
ready for instamt use: ‘“Trotsky Arrests henmine” and “Lenine Arrests
Troteky.”
ret—
Bome hope for the poor folks at last. Anncuncement has been made
of & slight reduction in the price of golf balls. '
Ohio Btate Medical Bociety won't let & man use the title “Dw” unless
be is a real physician. How about old Doc. Garfleld?
Whnnmlhm-hnmfidmmnomnu-mry
doesn’t send out a tracer. They know he s writing a show.
After July 1 nothing will be tight but the skirts. |
F—— \
Mhmmuw.uflm'\-mm
the hang of it
———
During the mflk famine nobody is willing to predist how mmch &
quart of the milk of human kindness will be before the year s out.
The first thing to do when entering the show business for a Wvelthood
buhnmuhmmduhn-‘m‘
for & job. |
: Pr—
A—m-—ummmumumwul
sl be bad to the eity. Al he hed was & wite and nine chidren 1
omp—
Judging by the divorce records, the average marriage certificste is
only & scrap of paper. Bome scrap.
h‘.‘fldh&mhflofllnn‘“hmuhvfll‘
not depart from ft and become a ukulele player.
o »
One of the wonders of nature is the fact that there are no two bald
#pots in the world exaotly the same sise and shape.
Nothing goes out of style quicker than war.
The best seller last year wes not “A Review of the Buropean War,*
by Prof. Ignatz Fothergill Ooph, but #How She Met Temptation en the
"L," by Angelica Mineola Beeser, .
Sel i e s b
CLUB 1s an tncubator for men, but it is kept at the proper tem-
A perature by alcohol drinks instead of alcohol lamps. It is a place
where men crack their shells and get sociable. Ordinarily, they
crack & few boitles while cracking sheils. Jokes and reputations are also
cracked. 8o are some of the members.
The first clubs were used by men in the stone age, who employed
them in pursuing a wife. Nowadeys, clubs are more favored by men who
are dodging wives than by those who are hunting 'em. In fact, the chief
occupants of & modern club are men whose wives have gone to the
country, to lectures or to Reno,
A olub is a steam-heated affair, with chatrs fecing the street. The
chalrs are usually upholstered in red plush. The occupants of the chairs
are usually upholstered in stocks and bonds. They regard the clubhouse
48 & place in which to meet one’s friends and one’s dues. The latter are
harder to meet—and almost as expensive,
Men who get the full benefit out of their clubs stop there on thelr
way to the office, come back for lunch and a game of billiards, come back
for & whigkey and soda late in the afternoon, and then put in a good part
of the evening there.
Clubs are supplied with plenty of newspapers, so that the sober
members may read and the celebrating members may snooze. A man
always hates to be caught dosing without a newspaper spread out in front
of him as an alibl. The newspaper gives him a certain privacy.
Every good club has a bar. The reason they have bars is beopnse
the members don't llke the idea of having to run out with a tin bucket
whenever they get a thirst, There i a movement now on foot to teach
club members those lines from Tennyson, something about “moaning at
the bar” The lnes will be recited next Jufe
Great Britain Rights Reserved.
By
TAD
Revistered [, 8. Patent Ofles.
Back Home
EN BINKS'S barber shop on
R Main street, between the post
office and the O. K. restau
rant, was no nickel-plated and por
celain hospital affair, such as we
see in the great ocitles.
Ren didn’t have his shop filled up
with patent steam compressors for
customers to stick their heads in
for a shampoo, and when any cus
tomer wanted a manicure, K" was
going to a dance or something, he
would borrow Ren's jackknife.
There were no ladies around the
place except those in the Police
Gazette, and male conversation, was
untrammelled.
To drop into a efty shop of the
ultra-modérn pattern for a modest
ity of g Russell A goes
n for & shave and ba sosiss out
with everything but a meal of vio
tuals and a-new fur overcoat. The
barber who waits upon him is an
Itallan count who canndt speak
Engtigh sufficiently well to carry
on an old-time m ' gonver
sation. He is usually me the
customer’s station tn life and he
gives the customer what he needs
without asking any questions. To
keep from getting a haircut every
day taxes the ingenuity of the aver
age clutonmr to the breaking point.
Do You Need Glasses?
“You will find that all business houses that bave grown from Nttle to big have, somewhere
or other, g l!wt{ customers & share of thel r prefits, untl became large
Bme iR AR eW e T
e ™ 80 large e 0 I e . husiinens m m .
T BTI SR o s T eL R T. SR
“w'.:mumu"fiu. of cdure. but you are chiefly interested in the quality of the glasses
5 flfi.ummuu'nmmasauu-hn-mum You will be glad
FOu came.
SILVEUS OPTICAL CO.
19 South Broad Street Atlanta
First dose of “Pape’s Cold Compound” relieves the cold
and grippg misery—Don’t stay stuffed up!
Reliof comes instantly. :
A dose taken every two hours until
‘hree doges are taken will end grippe
nisery and break up a severe cold
elll&r in the head, chest, body or
mbs,
It promptly opens clogged-up nos
trils and air passages in the head,
Btops nasty discharge or nose running,
‘telleves sick headache, dullness, fe-
|Gleanings from
the Hoppertown
- Harpoon
, KE BUTT'S s takin’ the fresh aiy
| I cure and is sleepin’ im the
| cornerib. There ain’t nothis®
| the matter with him at present,
| but there probably will be if hé
| keeps up the treatment long
| enough.
i Abe Renfrew’s wife has quit
i him and now he is lable to be
| pinched for havin’ no visible
i means of support.
{ Constable Ezra Bibbins, our locul
; t:um, had his pocket picked the
t time he was over to West
Hickeyville, and says he has got a
i good clue to the culprit, who se
cured a nickel's worth of Mule Ear
! Twist, a bone collar button, the key
;tothehflmdlsoentshmn
| money.
| Eben Hand broke up the James
| Huggitt funeral last Thursday by
| suffering an attack of St. Vitus
| dance. There is o piabe to dance,
l but it ain"t at a funeral
Grandma Whipple is failing fast
‘ She was only able to plow nine
| scres Monday. She has got the gol
| dingest longevity in this vicinity
| for an invalid end Amos Butis is
| thinkin’ of selling his hearse.
| A new doctor from West Hickey
§ ville has opened up an office over
| Hanks' harness shop, and a new
| undertaker from the same town hes
'j followed him over here and opened
| an office next door, which may or
| may not mean anything in per
| tickler.
i Job gained a great reputation for |
| patience, but he never tried to
] carry a matiress upstairs
As he les in the chalr gazing at
the pretty pictures on the ceiling he
feels a soft hand clutch his as 1t
hangs down over the edge of the
chair. It fsn't polite to withdraw
the hand under such circumstances,
for the pretty lady with the plck
and shovel is already at work, and
they are nervous creatures.
After the customer has had every.
thing in the shop and has been in
there long enough to have enjoyed
;n-rbtomfloopm&rwp_e&
dicitis, the barber tells him he is o
finished product and ready to go
out in the street and walk around
with the best of them.
The customer who had gone in
for a shave comes out after having
spent $2.80, and then he stands
around on the corner waiting for
somebody to come along and take
him to lunch.
Back home, In Ren's shop, & man
could go in with 15 cents and get s
shave, a neck shave, a head rud
with the round wooden comh, a
dash of witch hazel, all the political
news, tha goasip of the town, a tune
on the guitar by the barber's assists
ant and a chance to read the Weeks
«ly Whoop. If his hair was in need
of a trim with the clippers around
the neck and ears, not a regulay
haircut, Ren would throw that tn
uwumwnm&
verishness, bgn throat, sneexing, sore
ness and stiffnecs,
Don't stay stuffed-up! Quit blowing
and snuffling! Ease your throbbing
head! Nothing else in the world gives
such prompt relief as “Pape’s Cold
Compound,” which costs only a rew
cenis at anv drug store. It acts with
out assistance, taste nice, canses no
inconvenience. Beo' sure you get the
genuine.~~Advertisement.