Newspaper Page Text
. i
Wit of |
the Week |
Misinterpretation’
ll’ow o you get along with your
wife ™ {
“I wonder sometimes, mysolf”
Hebrewflage. ‘
A HEBREW small storeleaaper, o
the surprise of his brethren,
suddenly decormted his window |
with a gorgeous new bind. |
“Nice blind of yours, Jeanc, |
quoth his nelghbor. |
“Yes, Aaron.”
“Who paid for #, lsssot™
“The oustomers pald Aaron’
“*What! The oustomers paid for
it, Isaso?
“Yea, Aaron. 1 put & leedle box
on my counter ‘for the blind' And l
they paid for ™
Thoughtful Husband.
MM FLATBUSH-—Are you wear
ing those pretty suspenders,
with flowers all over ‘em | gave
you for your birthday, Henry?
Mr. Patbush—No, dear; | was
afraid the nall Mm waing in puconr’
& button would reet ‘em .
Dotng His Bit.
A BIG darky was being registered.
“Ah can’t go to wabh," he &n
swered in reexemption “foh they
Mnobolytobdhnfiahmv”o""
A dapper little undersized eolored j
brother stepped briskly up and In |
quired, “What kind of a lookh vl ‘
i yoh wife?” "
Marvels of Nature.
ITI-fl outtlefish,” remarked the
zoologist, “when it becomes
agitated scatters ink and slips
away In the darkness.”
“Wonderful!” exclaimed the man
with spots on hisz vest. “The foun
tain pen of the sea!”
Bimply Attached.
Wl lost my identity for
two whole woeks last Bummer,
Jones—How dil it happen?
Bmith—Bpent my vacation among
wite's relations, where | was atmply
known as Anna's husband.
The Wrong Combination.
¢ T are your views on the
‘wu:ubioct of prohibition ?”
“Well,” replied Uncle Bill Bottle
top, “if you could reguiate ymn s 0
as to limit the combination to good
men and good licker these mightn't
be so much damage. But somehow
the bad men and the bad Moker al
ways got together and ampoill any
Hitle decent reputation alechol ever
aid bave.”
No Bscape.
qGouo morning, Mm Jugsby,
We are peace delegates.” '
“Pence delogates?”
“Yessum. We were sant by Mr.
luagaby, who was unable to got
home lest night He wants us to
armangs the armistice terms and
settle on the siee of the Indemmity
he owes you."
“Umph! You tell Mr Jugsby o
he doesn't ghow up here fn the pext
hour I'll come and get hm. Few
not in Holland.”
Baay.
PAKID&—-—-Do you wast s job dig
‘S g’ potatoes !
Tired Tim—Yes, provided its dig
gl ‘sin out of gravy.
One On the Jeweler, |
uwn.u are those splendid sflver
cups there?” Inguired the l
. mun in the jeweller's ghop
“Those, sir, are ™oe cups, to be
awarded as prisea” replied the
jewaller,
“Well, If that's the ocase” sald
the stranger, taking the largest in
one of his hands, “suppose you race
me for this one.”
He mtarted off with the jeweller
after him, but the stranger won the
cup. '
: {
Applied Logio,
A COLORED sergeant while dril:
ing a squad of dusky-hued
lads at Camp Jackson had one boy
whe eould not or would not stand
at attention. After exhausting his |
patience and voeabulary on the |
erratic one, he secured a two-by |
four from a woedpfle nearby and |
tiarted toward the boy.
“Man!'" eried the lad. “Whut yo'
gwine do wid dat stiek?”
‘Niggah, I'm either goin’ to stand
you to attention, er lay you te at
tention!”
MADE A HIT. ]
Judge—You say this man was at
the performance last night and that
he took aim and filred an egg at l
vou?
#ctor—Yes, vour honor.
Judge —~And was it bad?
Actor--The egg was, your honor,
' but the aim was not.
The Judoe Was Considerate
SR S PO Aol eAR e
. . V) . N l
S e -\ 1/ //fl Sounos | THNK : -
WOT'LL Wk N AM.’UND&‘ s
Do now IVNKQ | ieo \ /N CALLING ITT ’ IN HERE ‘ -
TAKE A WALK o/l 0 THE O e MATE . '
\M o Sed ) BALL eAME Uo' ( 800 HOO mAarNT |
¢ / - ) (war) |=3 i .
‘ “\\_ o &NF p \ / PP "‘c\ NOUR CAT /)
Sk { SNA-SNA | wor u ¢ 7S
- "2 4 s { : o 3 J .. ; 4 \ >
ey 7 sty . i C
oy s LI~ & 4 '
.4 \ N
A S /4 J S |- SHER
R4l __*_______________:"u o vROe, -(J ‘ ! 2 ',., ~
P ‘ p A
\ I oy fl “.lat 5 & %‘,‘!‘"’
/| wid < d - A T .
|-' \ e L
T ——ee . 7 - N st PELS ;.-
e Ty 4 v Alg-‘ oel TRt ) W\ O TR : ”_'/" e D e : “?{‘Pfi"fi’é‘w'w R i
. T ke Tk PR R, %, LN e i T ind Tl R e SRR e
TR R, Tt TTBt | RS e gel Al o eeRSRS ee W i
R “Wfl A 'l“"""‘3'??s'is’*'“‘fii"'xi“aa* %A o A R S R Re T eS )
pas i 3 e { e A il bl
W-E-L-L | MADE THMT PIE YOu DonT WANT™
3 :;n M:'Ec:o(rq s PE? ME MAKING A
WHO DIE - €
. OO_ L o (NHAT i]\ I} tept-anp wov NOTTA woro? WRE Alt- ™ 2
% I 1§ .r\/ | DIONT TrtAN ONE WM - nmw
i HoO - p— ; WORO AGOUT IT (I s
L y - w “ — -i, I S~ . hed.”
- “o Hoe ¢P s /4-I\‘ W “" Ht:J ;H }]H‘ ." ' f .':'.ln g~ l
el 38 3 ot Al [N e
. { 7-8 A 8 Tells e A : it =
1. Jj.} ‘ - — e lgy v D 5
” 'L‘ b 1} ! \“ % D 2 //’ -L Py - «)l-’l’v—\-l T /
. / St 0 e 7 .'% . o L (R
- . ’ ; ; i o A & ost Bl . (e
- /e ;Q';':\i\ . R:' —-"——'—-’z'm_____:‘ B v oAk R 2 ” LS
v . N .:" - I'“ 0 - ] 1 . o ‘.r;-’; "fi
el '-.\ A ~ g o 0301 RS et o 9 P
.u U o . 2N BRSO
—I3/» 7 . X T
T S —————— g ¢BO bEF7 S 0
LA+ e——t———— e| 1% ,f ere——— . l, ° i S g/ ¢ ’
! i i 13 5T
H eARL eIR ' . JOR ‘ e : T '.;i?“l,:"F . . T‘vmr:r‘, o T
mi: Sl fij :T?fil:fififizéfi}i ¢ iel ,?’\”‘::;;fr Fd LoL ‘*‘%‘fli ;W‘-‘?fi.*‘ ?fl’*fl
TR R 1 IO A eU 1 LIS L 0 ei R 0O R £ 1 o oAI g il
e R Y "qfl%‘{f‘,’fiffi #’M Ye R ":a«%‘fim WMt Mfi% T T*;M i
.!(f— i f !r:"‘;,, %'{Ji i "““:"‘:) Ufi;:tj‘ :‘ \,{“ ‘iv!'v:*.";, n ' ,‘i!jr:l.“- g~: i :’. ‘}!“'H' L’ i m4T iyl "“»"ll;fi; i ‘ru x'l“”h'“ 'yffififli :'r:'_fl; 4 ‘va‘lf‘ i :'-,,fi,- i ¥ ‘:f:';fi :. i x~,‘,";“k‘,,‘m. ;;'; 1: 72,145,“, L ‘:':‘.;,l‘;:‘.:&4
E“v;__‘_;;g,fl ,"’3&?’;”!2l2}%{;;{"[@ ’”»;;1}:;?‘; 'qff‘mmf.‘; W‘Qafi‘gm ;*r;.;;‘b:.‘, il vl b i ;"H’fi] s e ;,'2%*35!4%4;6 b
l;" ei i ,"‘M:" f "l?‘lu"'m', il “'? biim& Rt Q",‘;;,,“ | ‘}l, Gl IR i %I,’ At Pide"}u ;#,:‘HJ rk!fi:,'fi,l‘;gg.;s;:;. i R ;m A e e S R O
OING UP!
G There are aiready twenty
persons aboard the car when
you ptep in. After fifteen more
persons get in, the starter decides
to cadl it a perfect load and licks
his two little shells together twice,
the operator slams the door and
yon start so suddenly that the
distance bhetween your knees and
chin seems to be shortened about
eighteen inches,
The gentleman who has his
elbow in the middle of your back
and eannot get his hand out of his
pocket in order to straighten out
his arm becomes very angry at you
for having your back againet his
olbow, and grunts.
Several ladies in the oar glare
One lady who has been canght try
ing to arrange her halr is obliged
to stand with her erms up in the
alr. It 18 orowded. You will tell
the world that
You bave a cigur In your right
hand and when you got intp the
car you decided not to fhrow it
A LIBERAL HELPING.
The Wyn-Jenking were giving a
little dinner party. Pa Wyn-Jenkins
was carving a fowl. It was older
than it looked, and, the Kknife refus
ing to do its bit, the bird shot into
the silken lap of the principal guest.
Mrs. Wyn-Jenking went pale, but
her husband never lost his sang
froid.
*l believe,” he said to the guest,
recapturing the bird, “that I've
helped you to too much., Allow me
to take back a little.”
a———————————
Dives-—Why don't you get out
and hustle? Work never killed any
body.”
Lazarus—You're mjstaken there,
guv'nor. I've lost four wives that
WAaY.
“How did they measure that Ger
man poison gas, anyway? By a
scent-a-meter?” asked the punster.
“No,” epled the smarter one.
“By the Kkill-a-meter,"”
e ————e—o—— e
“I've heard that she walks in her
sleep.”
“Fancy! And they with two
motor cars!”
COULDN'T DISAPPROVE.
A voter wrote to his M, P
“We don't understand some of
the things you said in that speech
of yours last Monday.,” and he then
went on to deplore his views,
The M. P, replied:
“You should not find fault with
me. What you do not thoroughly
understand you ecan not intelli
gently disapprove of.”
“My ancestors were all people
with brains.”
“Too bad you were disinherited!”
A BIT CROWDED.
The housing’ problem 13 noute,
(That's news, lsn't {t7) A crowd
of suburbanites had clubbed to
gether and bought a big house so
they could have a roof over them,
The man who ecarried out the
house buying and the apportioning
of its space was evidently out to
make money. When the “setting”
in began he was visited by a pro
testing crowd,
“Look here” gald the spokesman
of the party. “It's bad enough to
have one roem curtained off inte
four for four families. Though we
didn’'t expect that, we ean stand it,
but yeu're not going te glve per
mission to the family in the corner
near the door to keep lodgers!"
HEAKNT'S SUNDAY AMERICAN - A Newspaper for People Who Think — SU'NDAY, MAY 25 1919,
.- B et et vil e-t e e A
City Life Sketches---Going Up!
away because It cost 17 cents
Clgars are cigars these days, even
though they are not made of
tobaece,
You know if you hold the cigar
between your fingers in the usual
manner, it will burn a hole in the
skirt of the 'ady who is standing
8o close to you that your nose {s in
among her back hair. In order to
prevent that you, by a deft move
ment, turn the cigar inward, so the
lighted end s pointed toward your
~alm. You burn a large hole in
yvour palm. Several people sniff
“Phe roast iz burning in the
oven,” remarks a smart girl tn the
rear of the car.
“Pwelfth floor,” you growl, and
prepare to get off.
“Express,’” growls back the low
brow who {# chauffing the elevator.
“Twenty-fifth floor first stop.”
Then you decide to ride all the
way up and back to the main floor.
All the persons who want to get
out at the twenty-fifth are in the
rear of the ecar and they try te
HAVE A SMILE?
“Do you consider it sanitary to
permit your pigs to run in and out
of your kitchen?” asked a stranger
of a Bcotch peasant,
“I dinna ken,” was the reply, “but
in saxteen year ilka ane o’ my hogs
hae used th’' Kitchen, an' 1 dinna
reecollect losin' sae muckle as ane
hog.”
Venus—~Nevermore will he make
love to me. Gone is the use of pet
names whispered as we sat on the
sofa with the lights turned low.
Vanished are the caresses. His ten
dernesses are now history, Never
again will he press me in his arms,
murmuring that I am his woodlesy
toodlesy -wootsens,
Portia~~What's the matter; have
vou shown him the gate?
Venus—No; I'm going to marry
him.
Why doesn’'t Bill Hohenzollern
take a leaf from Fulton's book and
claim the war was framed and that
he took the count, as agreed, after
the fillums had been made? It
wouldn't be any harder to digest
than the yarn some German gen
eral gink yapped about Bill being
an innocent lamb, This leads to
the thought that if he is a lamb,
innocent or otherwise, why isn't he
led to the slaughter?
Mistress—Bridget, 1 really can
not stand your carelessness. There's
dust six weeks old on that chair,
Brldkgm—r)on't bl#me me, mum;
blame me pridicissor. T've been in
th' place but four wakes.
“I'm going to New York Monday
and would.like to have & return
load, or part.—Adv. in Baltimore
paper.
Wonder if he drove his car
straight on the return trip?
PEELED CHICKEN,
Three-year-old Kitty was visiting
her grandmother, who lived on a
farm., HRverything about the farm
was a novelty te the child. Another
pleasant thing about the visit was
was grandmother's constant ques
tloning of:
“Now, what shall we eat today?”
One morning she asked the usual
uestions as to the menu. Little
&luy thought a minute and then
answered:
“Oh, grandmua, won't you please
cateh a chicken and peel it for din
ner?
crowd out. Omne of them, invari
ably, 18 & man with a suitcase and
the sultocase gets caught cross-wise.
After barking all the shins in the
neighborhood and having his own
overcoat buttons all torn off, he
gradually emerges, dragging the
suitcase and two ‘or three passen
gers behind him.
After the twentyfifth floor pas
No Ear Drums?
MEDICAL OPFFICER~—Have you any organic trouble?
Recruftt—Naq, sir. 1 ain't a bit musical
The Honor of His Family.
THE prisoner arrested for being drunk and disorderly had given his
name as Thomas Edison.
“Is that your real name?’ asked the judge next morning in court,
“Well, yer honor,” replied the man. ‘1 admit that I enly gave it as
4 cover, You see, | hated to bring diehonor and disgrace upon a respect
able name.” —
Oertainly, If Consistent.
SHE (to fiance)—We must be very economical now. Promise me that
you will do nothing you can’t afford.
He-—What! Do you want me to break off the engagement?
Copyright, 1918, by Star Company. Great Britain Rizhts Reasrved.
What He Learned.
w B. TRITES was knocking the modern drama.
* Y 1 once wrote a play myself,” he said. “After two years’ work
on it, | submitted it to a manager. The manager said it was full of
promise but totally lacking in technigue. He advised me to visit the
theatre assiduously for a month or two and learn “all I could.”
“l ran across him a month later in Broadway.
“‘Well, my boy,’ he said, ‘have you been studying the theatre, as [
advised”
“‘Yes,' said I, T have.'
“ “Learnt anything?' he asked.
“*Well,’ 1 said, T've learnt ope thing.’ .
“‘Good!’ said the manager. ‘What's that?
“‘l've learnt,” 1 sald, ‘that I'm about the only man altve who Isn's
able to get a poor play put on.'”
A Cinch.
“HOW." asked the stranger in Tennessee's 1 uniains, his eyes roaming
over a fleld so steep as to be almost perpendicular, “do you manage
to plant that terrible hillside? Seems to me you'd be in danger of
falling off!” .
“l can set right here in my door and plant ft.” drawled the native.
“How ™
“Put the cawn in a shotgun and shoot it into the ground up thar.”
*And how do you get the corn down when it {s ready for gathering?"
the stranger asked.
“1 can set right here in my door and git it down.”
“How
“Shoot it offen the stalk, and it rolls down,” said the native.
“And yet,” the town man went on, “l ean't see how you ever get the
corn out of here.”
The mountaineer divided his sunburned mmustaches with thumb and
finger and spat with deadly alm at a yellow-legged grasshopper.
“That’s the easiest part of it,” he drawled. “We make {t into whiskey
and fight it out.™
. Nice Distinction.
“THEY'M eomparatively rich, aren’t they?”
“Well, I wouldn't say ‘comparatively,’ but ‘relatively.’ They have
& rich uncle of whom they expect great things.”
FOREWARNED,
Office Nuisance-—Can | see the ed
itor, boy?
Office Boy—Editor, sir? Not in,
sir.
Office Nuisance—But I saw him
come in only two minutes ago.
Office Boy-—Yes, sir; very likely,
sir; but he saw yvou first.
Choice Wit Daily in The Atlanta ©
Tell Your Newsdealer to Deliver The Georgian at Your Home E very Week Day, as Well as The Sunday American
sengers have dragged themselves
out by main force, the car starts
and a fussy lady asks:
‘“Where {8 the Aetna Blow Pipe
& Dust Arrestar Co. 7
“Don’'t know,” growls the cen
ductor. ‘“Look at the directory on
the main floor. Look in the ‘H's’"”
“l di4,” snaps the lady, “and it
wasn’t there.”
HAD IT PAT.
Teacher—Name the five zones.
Pupil-—Temperate, intemperate,
war, hospital and zero.
CONSUMING KNOWLEDGE.
Mother—“ What's all this row going
on indoors?"’
Daughter—““Baby’s been and licked
Herbert’'s home lessons off his slate.”
By TAD
A man starts to laugh, but {s im
mediately squelched by a batiery
of menacing looks. An elevator is
no place to laugh.
By the time you reach the thirty
fifth floor the crowd has thinned
until it {s possible for you to fook
at your watch and see what time ft
is. You ride to the thirty-eighth
and take the same car back.
Arriving at the mairn floor you use
care and take a local car for the
twelfth fleor where you are going
to meet Mr. Lagzarus W. Pringle
and take lunch with him. Mr,
Pringle is president of the Chilled
Stee: Dri) Company, te whom you
have a letter of introduction from
a mutual friend in the West and
who has therefore invited you to
lunch. v
You arrive at his office, No. 1235,
and note that his sign is not onm
the door. A peroxide stenographer
inside informs you that he moved
the week before to some other floor.
She doesn’t know the number,
THEN AND NOW.
I used to rave, when first we met
And marriedi—you and I—
About your harplike voice, but now
To "hiarp” I add & ‘9"
When friskily you'd rag or chaff,
Quite thrilled, T would refer
To (heavens above) your silvery
" laugh
I now subtract the “ver.”
When we were in the spring of life,
1 used to watch with bliss
Your graceful lines. To graceful
now
1 must, perforce, add “dis.”
Too full of happiness to speak,
In love's warmth I would bask,
And marvel at your damask cheek,
I now subtract the “ask.”
WHO BLUSHED THEN?
A pretty young teacher was once
placed in charge of a class of boys
and she asked them what they
would like to be when grown up.
They all had very high notions.
One was to be an actor, one a sail
or, one a lorry driver and another a
cowboy.
Presently it came to a pretty,
fair-haired boy to state his wish.
“What would you like to be?"
said the teacher.
Jackie blushed deeply, and looked
shy and afraid.
“(C‘ome, tell me your wish, Jackie,
please!” said the teacher.
“Please—er—please, my Wwish—
er—is to be—your husband!” he
blurted out.
NOT FUR-LINED.
The weather was warm, and
Murphy decided to shave in .the
backyard. Mrs. Casey next door
observed this.
“Shure, Mr. Murphy,” she called,
“0i see ye're shavin’ outside.”
“Begorra,” answered Murphy,
“yez didn't think I was fur-lined,
did yez?”
Inklings
Profiteering has more enemies in
public and more friends in private
than any other disease.
It beats all what an Important
part of the house the cellar has
suddenly become,
A Missouri woman shot her hus
band by mistake for a mule, a mis
take which is likely to happen in
many families.
This is the season when the good
old lady with the limber sunbonnet,
which hangs over her face, gets out
with the garden hose and wets
down everything except the garden.
The Government reports a large
crop of corn this year, but, as many
a gentleman will say, “What's the
use?”
The German delegates to the
peace conference brought thejr
golf sticks with them-—all that is
left of the German drive.
There 1s going to be an ‘“air
taxi™ line between New York and
Atlantic City, and passengers un
doubtedly will favor a ‘“no tip"
rule. .
Detroit is planning to have a
world’'s falr in 1922, There will
be a checkroom for fiivers.
Women in London are wearing
flowers instead of jewels to the
opera. Do you suppose they are
in earnest orchid——ing tnemselves
It's a long way from a Hinden
burg to a dotted line, eh, Germany
You go back to the maln floor
and consult the directory and find
that the Chilled Steel Drill Com
peny is on the twenty-sixth floor.
You wait for an elevator and in due
time, after another jazz and shimmy
with a big crowd, you reach the
twenty-sixth floor, but you can't
fight your way out because you are
in the back of the car. You go to
the roof a2gain and come back and
find that this car dces not stop at
the twentysixth floor going down,
only going up. So you go to the
main floor again and this time take
a local for the twenty-sixth floor
When you reach Mr. Pringle's
office, you find that he has got tired.
of walting for you and has gone to
lunch alone. By some lapse of
memory Mr. Pringle has forgotten
to tell his secretary where he would
lunch.
You mumble something between
apolegy and deflunce and go out
into the hall and try for ten
minutes to stop a car that will take
you back to earth.
DENTAL HAPPINESS,
Bobby (with swollen 'face)-—Oh
dear! I wish I was grandpa or elsc
the baby.
Mother—Why?
Bobby-—Grandpa’s teeth are all
gone, and baby's haven't come yet,
“I thought you said you knew
something about cooking,” said the
mistress. .
“TI did say so,” answered Mary
Jane. Tl
‘Wrell, how do yvou make hash?”
“You don't make it. It simply
accumulates.”
“Did the new chauffeur fill the
bill?"
“No; but he came near filling the
hospital.”
“What are you laughing about?”
“Now that peace is here I'm
thinking of the poor beggers who
got married to escape the army.”
THE GENEROUS BOY.
Uncle—“ And what are you going
to give to your little sister for a
birthday present?”
“I'm going to ask papa to get her
a football, and then I'll show her
how to play.”
WHAT’'S IN A NAME,
Married life has its sorrows no
less than its jovs. Poor little Adol
phus Carr found that out when the
baby was taken ill at 2 o'clock in
the morning, and he was ordered
out of his nice warm bed to go and
find a doctor.
Dashing down the street in pa
jamas' and overcoat, he stopped at
the first doctor's house he knew,
and furiously rang the night-bell.
A voice came down the speaking
tube:
Who's there?”
“Mr. Carr—Mr. Carr, of—"
“Missed a car, have you? Well,
then, you can Jjust walk home!
What on earth d@’ you mean by ring
ing me up about it?”
Love Letters«
HE first love letter way
T carved in stone by Mr Bear
skin, who loaded it on a dino.
saurus dray and sent It to the lady
of his heart. But, though carved
in stone that lave letter lved uo
longer than many which have been
written since.
When written on ardinary paper,
ten-cent mote paper, a love letter
will last eight hundred and forty
years and, instead of fading, the
{nk seems to got brighter with each
paseing year. They are practically
{ndestructible and oan be used l‘
asbestos stove mats with muoh suc
cess. In fact there is a rumor that
the first asbestos was made from
several love letters which were
mangled for that pugpose.
- Every day or so there i& an ao
ecount of a fire somewhere in the
United States where everything in
the house is consumed excepting a
package ot old love letters. The
cook stove 1s completely melted
and the cement sidewalk in front
of the house is burned up but the
package of love letters comes
through practically unscathed,
They may be charred about *
edges but the reading matter 1s
still there.
The party who haltingly com
posed the first love letter set an
example in constructive stupidity®
which has reached down through
the ages and finds its place in many
scores ol court proceedings every
day. In fact, wers it not for love
letters, going to court would be as
dull as attending services in the
Quaker meeting house. The judge
takes a hasty inventory of the
lawyers’ tables over his spectacles
and if he sees no bundle of letters
tied with blue baby ribbon, he set
tles back in his chair for a nice
cozy snooze. Jurymen are anxious
} to get back to their business and
' the reporters phone their respec
tive offices that it looks like a dul
i day in jurisprudence,
The fountain pen habit genen!)»r
} strikes a man at the age of sevene
1 teen years, but ig worse after forty
! than Dbefore twenty. With the
riper experience and a more com
plete knowledge of MEnglish, the
older man brings to the task a
\pmficlency which is at times the
marvel of his friends. A man may
’he perfectly sane in other ways
~and still sit down and write a love
‘letter that would make Alice im
Wonderland hide her head in a
i jealous rage.
The world’s champion optimist is
} the one who believes that the lady
who receives the letter is going *tgh
Lburn it up or lose it. Neither of
these things ever happens. The
}!ady may burn the letter in quick
lime, to follow out Instructions)
‘but it can be exhumed years after<
- ward in gll its pristine beauty, and
‘ns for losing ome, it can’t be done.
~ The strange thing about ‘a love
letter is that it never means the
‘ same thing a year later that it did
{ when it was written, and when read
in publis it somehow fails to in
spire in the writer the same senti
‘ments which poured from his fever
ish soul on the day he wrote it.
’ The love letter stands triumphant’
| in the world of immortal literature.
}lf \v:’itt’en on tissue paper, it is as
difficult to destroy as a sheet or
}'ln. Every wife keeps a bundlty‘f
them in the bottom of her trunk.
It is the first requisite of married
life.
“My wife gave me a big surprise®
“What was it?’
“l told her I was going to sit u@
with a sick friend, and she said she
hoped I would hold as good hande
as he did.”
A GOOD EXCUSE.
He—*“ll'd kiss you if I had as
excuse,”
She—"“Well, the people in the fl:
above are named Mistletoe,” ‘i
THE DIFFERENCE.
Rafferty was pasisng a cab-rank
when he suddenly stooped and picked
» half-a-crown.
“l“"!‘))t;lllt's mine!” shouted the ca!fi’fl,
who had noticed the aection, “I've
just missed one!”
“No 'tain’t,”” replied Pat, *‘yours
hadn't a hole in it.”
U¥ag, it bad.”’
“But this wan hasn't,”” grinned Raf
ferty. “Good mornin'."
Mrs. Murphy (shopping): ‘1 want
to see some mirrors.”
Shopwalker: ‘‘Hand mirrors, mad
ame?”’
Mrs. Murphy: ‘‘No; some that ye
can see wer face in!”
Sign over a small basement restau
rant in New York: ‘‘Cup pf Cof
fee and a Roll Down Stairs 15 cents.”
If the airship :;_v-mwds in crossing
the Atlantic we may expect by af®
by to see the ocean greyvhound su
perseded by the ‘“‘Sky(e) terrier.”
One of bur sw;;:st singers is de
scribed as ‘‘the tenor with the thdoat
of gold.”
TLaucky ckap! To possess a golden
throat must be evn better than to be
born with “a silver spoon in your
mouth.” .