Newspaper Page Text
i Wit
»‘ of
~ the Week
Misinterpretation ?
“HOW do you get along with you
wite ™
“lI wonder sometimes, mysalt”
Hebrewflage.
A HEBREW small storekeeper, .0
the surprise of his brethren,
suddenly decorsted his window
with a gorgeous new biind.
*Nice blind of yours, Isasc,’
quoth his nelghbor. ..-
“Yes, Aaron.”
"Who pald for it, lssse™
*The customers pald. Aaron”
*What! The customers paid for
it, lsase?”
“Yes, Aaron. I put a leedle box
on my counter ‘for the bitnd' And
theay pald for i."
Thoughtful Husband.
Mu FLATBUSH-—Are you wear
ing those pretty suspenders,
with flowers all over 'em [ gave
you for your birthday, Henry?
Mr. Flatbush—No, dear; 1 was
afrald the nail I'm uaing in place of
& button would rust ‘em
Doing His Bit.
A BIG darky was being registered
“Ah can't go to wah,” he an
swered fn reexemption, “foh they
aiz't nobody to look afteh ma wife. ™
A dapper little undersized colore
brether stepped briskly up and D
quired, “What kind of a lo- i
is yoh wife?”
Marvels of Nature.
‘frfil outtleflsh,” remarked the
zoologist, “when it becomes
agitated scattars ink and slips
away in the darkness.”
*Wonderfu!!"” exclatmed the man
with spots on his vest. “The foun.
tatn pen of the seal”
Bimply Aitached.
slrm—x los! my Ildentity for
two whole weels last SBummer.
Jones—How did it happen?
Bmith—Bpent my vacation among
wife’s relations, where I was stmply
known as Anna's husband.
The Wrong OCombination.
& T are your views on the
‘w“:ubioct of prohibdition 7"
“Well,” replisd Uncle Bill Bottle
top, “if you could regulate rum 80
as to limit the combdination to good
men and good ltoker there mightn’t
be so much damage. But somehow
the bad men and the dbad NMcker &b
ways get together and spoil any
little decent reputation alcohol ever
did have.”
No Escape.
“GOOD morning, Mrs. Jagshy.
We are peace delegates.”
“Peace delogates™
“Yesaum. We wure sent by My
Jagsby, who was unable to get
home st night, He wants us to
arrangs the armistice terma and
pettle on the size of the indemnity
he owes you."
“Umph! You tell Me Jugshy if
he doesn’t show up here in the next
four I'll come and get hm. He's
not in Helland.”
Easy.
FAR.\IE!( ‘Do you want & job dig
gin' potatoes?
Tired Tim—Yea, provided its dig
gin' ‘em owt of grawy.
One On the Joweler
“WII&’ we oae splendid efiver
ocups there? {nguired the
man iu the jowellors ehop.
“Those, eir, are race cups, to be
awarded as prises”™ replied the
jeweller,
“Well, it that’s the oase” sald
the stranger, taking {he largest in
one of his hands, “vugpose you race
me for this ope.”
He started off with the jeweller
after him, but the strauger won the
cup.
Applied Lagie.
A COLORED sergeant while drill
ing a squad of dusky-haed
lads at Camp Jackson had one boy
~ who ceuld net or would mot stand
at attention. After exhausting his
patience and vocabulary en the
erratio one, he secured a twe-by
four from a woodpile neardy and
ttarted toward the boy,
“Man!” cried the lad. “Whut yo
gwine do wid dat stiek?”
~ “Niggah, I'm either goin’ to stand
you te attentlion, or lxy you te at
tention!”
MADE A HIT.
Judge—You say this man was at
ile performance last night and that
;:* took aim and fired an egg at
étor—Yel. your honor.
: Judge—And was it bad?
Actor-»-The egg was, your honor,
but the ’}m was not.
The JlldO‘e Was Cons;dorafe
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DING UP?
G There are already twenty
persons aboard the car when
vou step in. After fifteen more
persons get in, the starter decides
to call it a perfect load and licks
his two little shells together twice,
the operator slams the door and
you start so suddenly that the
distance between your knees and
chin seems to be shortened about
eighteen Inches.
The gentleman who has his
elbow in the middle of your back
and cannot get his hand out of his
pocket in order to straightem out
hig arm becomes very angry at you
for having your back agsinst his
elbow, and grunts.
Severa]l ladies in the essr glare
One lady who had been caught try
ing to arrange her hair is obliged
to stand with her arms up in the
alr. It {8 crowded. You will tell
the world that.
You have a cigar in your wight
hand and when you got inte the
car you decided not to throw it
A LIBERAL HELPING.
The Wyn-Jenkins were giving a
HNttle dinner party. Pa Wyn-Jenkins
was carving a fowl. It was older
than it*looked, and, the knife refus
ing to do its bit, the bird shot into
the silken lap of the principal guest,
Mrs. Wyn-Jenking went pale, but
her husband never lost his sang
froid.
“1 believe,” he said to the guest,
recapturing the bird, “that Tl've
helped you to too much. Allow me
to take back a little,”
Dives—Why don't you get out
and hustle? Work never killed any
body.”
Larzarus—You're mistaken there,
guvnar. Pve lost four wives that
WaR.
“How did they measure that Ger
man poison gas, anyway? By =
scent-a-meter ™ asked the punster.
“No,” eplled the smarter omne.
“By the kill-a-meter.”
i ————
“I'yve heard that she walks in her
“Fancy! And they with two
motor cars!™
COULDN'T DISAPPROVE.
A voter wrote to his M, P.:
“We don't understand some of
the things you said in that speech
of yours last Monday,” and he then
went on to deplore his views.
The M. P. replied:
“You should not find fault with
me. What you do not thoroughly
understand you c¢an not intelli
gently disapprove of."
~My ancestors- were all people
with brains.”
“Too bad you were disinherited!™
A BIT CROWDED.
The housing problem is acute,
(That's news, lsn't it?) A crowd
of suburbanites had clubbed to
gether and bought a big house so
they could hay™a roof over them.
The man who carried out the
house buying and the apportioning
of its space was evidently out to
make money. When the “setting”
in began he was, visited by a pro
testing crowd. B
*“Look here,” sald the spokesman
of the party., “It's bad enough te
have one room ourtalned off into
four for four familles. Though we
Aldn't expect that, we can stand it,
but you're not going to g!v- per
mission to the famlly in the corner
near the door to keep lodgers!”
HEARST'S SUNDAT AMERICAN .. A Newspaper for Poopu Who Think — SUNDAY, MAY. 25, 1919,
— o — A e — m— 5 T —— O S . S -y S —————————————————— —————
.City Life Sketches---Going Up!
away becauss It cost 17 cents
Cligars are oilgars these days, even
though they are not made of
tobasco.
Yoy know if you hold the cigar
between your fingers in the usual
manner, it will burn & hole in the
skirt of the lady who 1s standing
s 0 olose to you that your nose s in
among her back hair. In order to
prevent that you, by a deft move
ment, turn the cigar inward, so the
lighted end is pointed toward your
~alm. You burn a large hole in
yoar palm. Scoveral people sniff
“The roast is burning in the
oven,” remarks a smart girl in the
rear of the car.
“Twelfth floor,” you growl, and
prepare to get off.
“Express,” growls back the low
brow who is chauffing the elevator.
“Twenty-fifth floor first stop.”
Then you decide to ride all the
way up and back to the main flopr.
All the persons Who want to get
out at the twenty-fifth are (n the
rear of the car and they try te
+ HAVE A SMILE?
“Do you consider it sanitary to
permit your pigs to run in and out
of your kitchen?” asked a stranger
of a Scotch peasant,
“I dinna ken,” was the reply, “but
in saxteen year ilka ane o' my hogs
hae used th' kitchen, an' I dinna
reecollect losin' sae muckle as ane
hog*
Venus-—Nevermore will he make
love to me. Gone is the use of pet
names whispered as we sat on the
sofa with the lights turned low.
Vanished are the caresses. His ten
dernesses are now history. Never
again will he press me in his arms,
murmuring that I am his woodlesy
toodlesy -wootsens.
Portia—What's the matter; have
you shown him the gate?
Venus—No; I'm going to marry
him. £
Why doesnt Bill Hohenzollern
take a leaf from Fulton's book and
claim the war was framed and that
he took the count, as agreed, after
the fillums had been made? It
wouldn't be any harder to digest
than the*yarn some German gen
eral gink vapped about Bill being
an innocent lamb, This leads to
the thought that if he is a lamb,
ifnnocent or otherwise, why isn't he
led to the slaughter?
Mistress—Bridget, I really can
not stand your carelessness. There'’s
dust six weeks old on that chair.
Bridget—Don't blame me, mum}
blame me pridicissor. J've been in
th' place but four wakes.
it
“I'm going to New York Monday
and would lke to have a return
load, or part"—Ady. in Baltimore
papaer.
Wonder if he drove hia car
stralght on the return trip?
PEELED CHICKEN.
Three-year-old Kitty was visiting
her grandmother, who lived on a
farm. Bverything about the farm
was a novelty to the child. Another
pleasant thing about the visit was
was grandmother's constant ques
tioning of:
“Now, what shall we eat today?"”
One morning she asked the usual
questions as to the menu, Little
Kitty thought a minute and then
answered
“Oh, grandma, won't you please
m'c.l'\. a chicken and peel it for din
ner?
crowd out. Omne of them, inver:
ably, i# a man with a suitcase and
the suiteace gets oaught cross-wise.
After barking all the shins in the
neighborhood and having his own
overcoat buttons all torn off, he
gradually emerges, dragging the
suitcase and two or three passen
gers behind him.
After the ,twemnty4ifth floor pas
From Here and There
No Ear Drums?
MEDICAL OFFICER—Have you any organic trouble?
Reeruit—No, sir. 1 ain’t a bit musical
The Honor of His Famtly.
THE prisoner arrested for being drunk and disorderly had given his
fdame as Thomas Fdisen. ; ;
“Is that your real name?” asked the judge next moraing tn court.
“Well, yer honor,” replied the man. *“I admit that I only gave it as
& cover. You see, | hated to bring dishonor and disgrace upon a respect
able name.” i
Certainly, If Oonsistent.
SHE (to flance)—We must be very economical now. Promise me that
you will do nothing you can’t afford.
He— What! De you want me to break off the engagement?
Copyright, 1919, by &.&r Company. Great Britaln Rishts Raserved.
\ What He Learned
w B. TRITES was Whocking the modern drema.
® Y 1 once wrote a play myself,” he sald. “After two years’ work
on it, 1| submitted it to a manager. The manager said it was full of
promise but totally lacking in technique. He advised me to visit the
theatre assiduously for a month or two and learn all I could.”
“I ran across him a month later in Broadway.
“‘Well, my boy,’ he sadd, ‘have you been studying the theatre, as I
advised?
“‘Yes,' saMd I, ‘1 have.’
“‘Learnt anything?” he asked.
“*Well,’ 1 said, T've learnt one thing.’
“‘Good!’ said the manager. ‘What's that?
“‘l've learnt,’ 1 said, ‘that I'm about the enly mea allve who isn’t
able to get a poor play put on.'”
A Cinch.
“'I_IO‘W." asked the stranger tn Temnessee's 1 Huntains, ks eyes roaming
ever a field 5o steep as to De almost perpendicular, “do you manage
te plant that terrfbie hillside? Seems to me you’d de in danger of
falllng off!*
“l can set right here ia my door and planiß,” drawied the native.
“How 7" ~
“Put the eawn in a shotgmm and shoot it Inte the greund up thar.”
“And how do you get the corn dewn when ft 48 ready for gathering?”
the stranger asked.
“I can set right here in my door and git & down.” .
“How ™
“Shoot it offen the stalk, and ft rofls down,” said the nattve
“And yet,” the town mam went on, “1 caut see how you ever get the
corn out of here.”
The mountaineer divided his sunburned mustaches with thumb and
finger and spat with deadly aim at a yellow-legged grasshopper.
“That’s the easiest part of it,” he drawled. “We make it into whiskey
and fight it out.” .
Nice Distinction.
“TH!Y'_BI compamatively rich, arem't theyt™
“Well, I wouldn't say ‘comparatively,’ dut ‘relatively.' They have
a rich uncle of whom they expect great things.”
FOREWARNED.
Office Nuisgnce—Can I see the ed
{tor, boy?
Office Boy—Editor, sir? Not in,
sir.
Office Nuisance—But I saw him
come in only two minutes ago.
Office Boy—Yes, sir: very likely,
sir; but he saw you first,
. ’ ’ « 1 s
oice Wit Daily in The Atlanta Georgian
Tell Your Newsdealer to Deliver The Georgian at Your Home E very Week Day, as Well as The Sunday American
sengers have dragged themselves
out by mein force, the car starts
and a fussy lady asks:
“Where is the Astna Blow Pipe
& Dust Arvester Co.t™
“Don‘'t know,” growls the con
duotor. “Look at the directory on
the main floor. Look in the ‘E's'"
“ dd,” snaps the lady, “and it
waan't there”
HAD. IT PAT.
Teacher-—Name the five zones.
Pupil-—Temperate, intemperate,
war, hospital and zero.
CONSUMING KNOWLEDGE.
Mother—*“What's all this row going
on_indoors?”
Daughter—‘‘Baby’'s /been and licked
Herbert's home lessons off his slate.”
By TAD
A man starts to laugh, but is im
mediately squelohed by a battery
of menacing looks. An elevator is
no place to laugh.
By the time you reach the thirty
fifth floor the crowd has thinned
until it {8 possible for you to look
at your watch and see what time it
is. You ride to the thirty-eighth
and take the same car back.
Arriving at the main floor yon use
care and take a local car for the
twelfth floor where you are going
to meet Mr. Lazarus W. Pringle
and teke lumch with him. - Mr,
Pringle is president of the Chilled
Stee: Drily Company, to whom you
have a letter of introduction irom
a mutual friend in the West and
who has therefore invited you to
lunch.
You arrive at his office, No. 1235,
and note that his sign is not on
the door. A peroxide stenographer
inside informs you that he moved
the week before to some other floor.
She doesn’t know the number,
THEN AND NOW.
I used to rave, when first we met
And married—you and I—
About your harplike voice, but now
Te ‘harp”. I add a %"
When friskily you’d rag or chaff,
Quite thrilled, I would refer
To (heavens above) your silvery
laugh o .
I now subtract the ‘“ver.”
When we were in,the spring of life,
I used to watch with bliss
Your graceful lines. To graceful
now
I must, perforce, add “did.”
Too full of happiness to speak,
In love's warmth I would bask,
And marvel at your damask cheek,
I now subtract the “ask.”
WHD BLUSHED THEN?
A pretty young teacher was once
placed in charge of a class of boys
and she asked themy what they
wonld like to be when grown up.
They all had very high notions.
One was to be an actor, one a_}:sail
or, one a lorry driver and another a
cowboy.
Presently it came to a pretty,
fair-haired boy to state his wish.
“What would you like to be?”
said the teacher.
Jackie blushed deeply, and looked
shy and afraid.
“Come, tell me your wish, Jackie,
please!” said the teacher.
“Please—er—please, my wish—
er—is to be-—your husband!” he
blurted out.
NOT FUR-LINED.
The weather was warm, and
Murphy decided to shave in the
backyard. Mrs. Casey next door
observed this.
“Shure, Mr. Murphy,” she called,
“0i see ye're shavin' outside.”
“Begorra,” answered Murphy,
“yez didn't think T was fur-lined,
did vez?"
Inklings
‘ Profiteeriug has more onoml‘c n
publie and more friends in private
than any other disease.
It beats all what an lmportant
past of the house the cellar has
suddenly become.
A Missouri woman shot her hus
band by mistake for a mule, a mis
take which is llkely to happen in
many families,
This is the season when the good
old lady with the dimber sunbonnet
which hangs over her face, gets out
with the garden hose and wets
down everything except the garden
The Government reports a large
crop of eorn this year, but, as many
a gentleman will say, "What's the
use
The German delegates to the
peace conference brought their
golf sticks with them-—all that is
left of the German drive.
There 1s going to be an “air
taxi” line between New York and
Atlantic City, and passengers un
doubtddly will saver a ‘“no tip''
rule.
Detroit is planning to have a
world's fair in 1922, ‘There will
be a checkroom for slivers.
Women in London are wearing
flowers Instead of jewels to the
opera. Do you suppose they are
in earnest orchid—ing taemselves”
it's a long way from a Hinden
burg to a dotted line, eh, Germany’
You zo back to the maln floor
and consuit the dfrectory and find
that the Chilled Steel Drill Com
pany is on the twenty-sixth floor.
You walit for an elevator and in due
time, after another jazz and shimmy
with a big crowd, you reach the
twenty-sixth floor, but you can't
fight your way out because you are
in the back of the car. You go to
the roof again and come back and
find that this car does not stop at
the twenty-sixth floor going down,
only going up. So you go to the
main floor again and this time take
a local for the twenty-sixth floor
When you reach Mr. Pringle's
office, you find that he has got tired
of waiting for you and has gone to
lunch aloné. By some lapse of
memory Mr. Pringle has forgotten
to tell his secretary where he would
lunch.
You mumble something between
apology and deflance and go out
into the hall and try for ten
minutes to stop a car that will take
you back to earth.
DENTAL HAPPINESS,
Bobby (with swollen face)~—Oh,
dear!. I wish I was grandpa or else
the baby.
Mother—Why?
Bobby—Grandpa’s teeth are all
gone, and baby’'s haven't come yet.
“l thought you said you Kknew
something about cooking,” said the
mistress.
“T did say so,” answered Mary
Jane.
‘W'ell, how do you make hash?”
“You don’t make it. It simply
accumulates.”
“Did the new chauffeur fill the
biln
“No; but he came néar filling the
hospital.” /
S e s
“What are you laughing about?"
“Now that peace is here I'm
thinking of the poor beggers who
got married ta escape the army.”
THE GENEROUS BOY.
Uncle—‘“And what are you going
to give to your little sister for a
birthday present?"”
“I'm going to ask papa to get her
a football, and then I'll show her
how to play.” -
WHAT'S IN A NAME.
Married life has its sorrows no
less than its joys. Poor little Adol
phus Carr found that out when the
baby was taken ill at 2 o'clock in
the morning, and he was ordered
out of hig nice warm bed to go and
find a doctor.
Dashing down the street in pa
jamas and overcoat, he stopped at
the first doctor’s house he Kknew,
and furiously rang the night-bell.
+A voice came down the speaking
tube:
Who's there?”
“Mr, Carr—Mr, Carr, of—"
“Missed a ear, have you? Well,
then, you can just walk home!
What on earth d’ you mean by ring
ing me up about it?”
Love Letters
E first love letter Wad
T g;rnd in stone by Mr Bear
skin, who loaded 1t onhl 41“:;;
urus dray and sent it to the la
:: his heart But, though carved
in stone that love letter lived no
longer than many which have bean
written since.
When written on ordinary faper,
ten-cent mnote paper, a love letter
will last eight hundred and forty
years and, instead of fading, the
ink seems to get brighter with each
passing year. They are practically
{ndestructible and can be used for
sshestos stove mats with much su=
cess. In fact there 1s a rumor tha:
the first asbestos was made from
several love letters which were
mangled for that purpose,
Every day or so there is an ac
ecount of a fire somewhere in the
United States where gverything in
the house is congumed excepting a
package ot old love letters. The
cook stove is completely melted
and the cement sidewalk in front
of the house is burned up but the
package of love letters comes
through practically unscathed.
They may be charred about the
edges but the reading matter is
still there.
The party who haltingly com
posed the first love letter set an
example in constructive stupidity
which has reached down through
the ages and finds its place in many
scores of court proceedings every
day. In fact, were it not for love
letters, going to court would be as
dull as attending .‘-‘1“ the
Quaker meeting house. judge
takes a basty inventory of the
lawyers' tables ower hs spectacies
and #f he sees no bundle of I-thn'
tied with blue baby ribbon, he sets
ties back in his chafr for a nice
COZY Snooze. Jurymen are anxious
to get back to their bustness and
the reporters phone their respee’
tive offices that it looks lke a dulff
day tn jurispradence.
The fountain pen hadst
strikes & man at the age of
leen years, but is woree after forty!
than before twenty, With the
riper experience and a more com~
plete knowledge of English, the
slder man brings to the task o
proficlency which is st ttmes the
marvel of his friends. A men may
be perfectly same in other waye
and still sit down and write a love
letter that would make Alice 1w
Wonderiand hide her head in @
jealons rage.
The world’s champion optimiet 1z
the one who belteves that the lady
who receives the letter is going ter
burn it up or lose it. Neither of
these things ever happens. Tha
lady may burn the letter {n quick
lime, to follow out finstructions,
but ft can be exhumed years after<
ward in ell its pristine beauty, and
as for loging ome, it can't be done.
The strange thing about a love
letter is that 1t hever means the
same thing a year later that it did
when it was written, and when read
in publls It somehow falls to in
apire in the writer the same senti~
ments which poured from his fever
ish soul on the day he wrote it.
The love letter stands triumphant
in the world of immortal literature.
If written on tissue paper, it is as
difficult to destroy as a sheet of
tin. KEvery wife keeps a bundle of
them in the bottom of her trunk.
It is the first requisite of married
life.
“My wife gave me a big surprise®
“What was it?” ’
“Y told her I was going te sit ug¢
with a sick friend, and she sald sht
hoped I would hold as good hande
as he did.”
A GOOD EXCUSE,
He—"l'd kiss you if I had am
excuse.”
She—“ Well, the people in the flat
above are named Mistletoe.”
THE DIFFERENCE,
Rafferty was pasisng a cab-rank
when he suddenly stooped and picked
up half-a-crown: "
‘“That’'s mine!” shouted the cabby,
who had noticed the aetion. “I've
just missed one!”
“No ’tain’t,” replied Pat, ‘“yours
hadn’'t a hole in it.””
oyen 1t bhad.”
“But this wan hasn't,” grinned Raf
ferty. ‘“Good mornin’.”
Mrs. Murphy (shopping): ‘I want
to see some mirrors.”
Shopwalker: ‘‘Hand mirrors, mad
ame?”’
Mrs. Murphy: “No: some that ye
can see wer face in!”’
Sign over a small basement restau
rant in New York: ‘‘Cup of Cof
fee and a Roll Down Stairs 15 cents.”’
If the airship succeeds in crossing
the Atlantic we may expect* by and
by to see the ocean greyvhound su
perseded by the ““Sky(e) terrier.”
One of our sweetest singers is de
scribed as ‘‘the tenor with the thdoat
of gold.” . .
Lucky chap! To possess a golden
throat must be evn better than to be
born with “a silver spoon in your
- mouth.”