Newspaper Page Text
Wit
it of
the Week
Misinterpretation ?
“lldw do you get along with your
wife ™
*1 wonder soméetimes, mysell
Hebrewflage.
A HEBREW small storekeeper,
the surprise of his brethron
puddenly decorated his window
with a gorgeous new blind.
*“Nice blind of yours, Isaac,
guoth his naighbor.
“Yes, Aaron”
“Who paid for &, Isanc?™
“The oustomers pald. Aaron.”
“What! The oustomers paid for
it, Isaac?
“Yes, Aaron. | put a leedle box
on my coumnter ‘for the bod ' And
they paid for "
Thoughtful Husband.
MRS, FLATBUSH-—Ape you wear
ing those pretty suspenders,
with flowers all over 'emn, | gave
you for your birthday, Henry?
Mr. Patbush--No, dear; | was
afrald the nell 'm uwsing in place of
a button woumldd ruet 'em
Doing His Bit.
A BIG durkxy was being registered.
“Ah can't go to wah" he an
swased tn reexemption, “foh they
st nobody to Jook afteh ma wife "
A dapper Mttle undersised colored
bwother stepped briskly up and In
quired, “What kind of & Jookin’ lady
ia yob wife™
Marvels of Nature.
‘erE outtiefish.” remarked the
zooflogist, “when #t becomes
agitated scatters Ik and slps
awgy in she darkness.”
“Wonderful!” etdaimed the man
with spots on s vest. “The foemn
tafn pen of Che seal”
Simply Attached.
sm&—x lost my identity for
two whole weeks last Summer.
Jones—How 4dM it happen?
Smith-——Spent my vacation smong
wife's relations, where 1 was stmply
known as Anuna's husband
The Wrong Combination,
é T are your views on the
‘Wmm‘bhct of prohibftion?"
“Well,” repfiad Uncle Bl Bottle
top, “if yvou oould reguniate ram #o
as to imft the combdination to good
men and good Hoker there mightn't
be g 0 much damage But somehow
the bad men and the bad Hoker ak
ways get together and spoil any
little decent reputation alcohol ever
did have”
No Bsocape.
acooo mopning, Mrs. Jagsby.
We are peace delagates.”
“Peace delogates ™ ]
“Yessum. We wers semt by Mr
Jagshy, who was unable to gt
bome last night He wants us to
arrangs the armistios terms and
settle on the slee of the indemufty
be owes you."
“Tmptd You tell Mn Jagsby ¥
he dogmrt show up here tn the pext
bowr 'l come end got hdm. He'y
not n Hollend.”
Bagy.
P‘m you want & job dig
g’ potatoes !
Thed Tio—Yes, provided ft's dig
g ‘em owt of gravy.
One Om the Jeweler,
“WH.LT are those splendid silver
cups there?” inguired the
mean in the jewsilers shop. |
“Those, ste, mre race cups, to be
awarded as prizes” replied the
jewaller. |
“Well, If that’s the case” said
the stranger, taking the largest In
one of his hands, “suppose voa race
me for this one.” |
He started off with the jeweller |
after him, but the stranger won (i ‘
cup.
Applied Logic.
A COLORED sergeant while dril
ing a squad of dusky-hued
lads at Camp Jackson had one hoy
whe eould not or Weuld net stani
at attentfon. After exhausting his
patience and vocabulary on Ihe
erratic one, he secured a twe-b)
four from a woedpile nearby and
started teward the bey. _
“Man!” eried the lad. “Whut vo' |
gwine do wid dat stick?” *
“Niggah, I'm either goin' to stani "
you to attemtion, or lay you te at |
tention!” 1
MADE A HIT. }
_Judge—You say this man was &t
the performance last night and that
’*‘;‘l)'- aim and figed an egg at '
Actor—Yes, your honor
Judge—~And was it bad?
§ Actor--The egg was, your homor.
mfi;h'_&im was not. 3 g
The Judoe Was Considerate
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LA s s dd Sl il DA eNIeIR eLD i T e
OING UPI.-
G There are amiready twenty
persons apoard the car when
vou step in. After .filteen. more
persons get in; thestarter. decides
to call it a penfeet load and jicks
hig two little sheils together twice,
the operator siam@& tha door and
yon start so.aswi@enly - that the
distance between youir knees and
chin. seems to be' shomened about
eighteen inches.
The gentleman who has his
elhow in the middle of your back
and cannot get hig hand out of his
pocket in order to straighten out
his arm bhecomes very angry at you
for having your back agasimst his
elbow, and grumts. i
Several ladles in the car glare
One lady who has been caught try
ing to arrange 'fifir‘”t h.mfld.'
to stand with bher arms upin the .
alr. It is crowded. You will teil .
the world that. / 8 A
You have a gigar in your vight.
hand and when! you pgot into the
car you decided mot to fhrow it
IO 1O W
scevd 30 M 1
A LIBERA.L‘._HEL_PI.NG‘.‘
The Wyn-Jenkins were giving a
little dinner party. Pa Wyg-lenkins
was carving a‘mlfiqfinldvr
than it looked, ™ THe efus
ing to do its bit, the bird shot into
the silken lap of the principal guest.
Mrs. Wyn-Jenking went pale, but
her husband never lost 'his sang
froid. '
“1 beliewe,” he. said to the guest,
recapturing the bird, “that Ive
helped you to toe much., Allow me
to take back a little.” |
e ——————
Dives—Why don't you get out
and hustle? Work never killed any -
body."”
Lazarusi-You're mistaken there,
guv'nor. I've lost four wives that
WAaY.
e ————————
“How did they measure that Ger
man poison" gas, anyway? By a
scent-a-méter?” asked theé punster.
“No,"” eplied the smarter one,
“By the kill-a-meter.”
e
“I've heard that she walks in her
gleep.”
“Fancy! And they with two
motor cars!” .
COULDN'T DISAPPROVE.
A voter wrote te his M, P.:
“We don't understand some of
the things you said in that speech
of yours last Monday,” and he then
went on to deplore his views,
The M. P. replied:
“Yon should not find fault with
me. What you do not thoroughly
understand - you can not intelli
gently disapprove of.”
“My - ancestors were all people
with brains.” A
“Too had vou were disinherited!”™
A BIT CROWDED. |
The housing problem {s acute. |
(That's news, isn't 1t?) A crowd
of suburbanites had clubbed to
gether and bought a big house so
they could have a roof over them.
The man who carried out the
house buving and the apportioning
of its space was evidently out to
make money. When the “setting”
in hegan he was visited by a pro
testing crowd. 3
“L,ook here’ sald the spokesman
of the party. “lt's bad enough t&
have one roem ecurtained off Inte
four for four families. Theugh we
didn't expect that, we can stand it
but you're not going to give per
: n to the famiiy in the corner
HF 4KsT'S SUNDAT AMERICAN — A Newspaper for People Who Think — SUNDAY. MAY 25, 1919,
City Life Sketches---Going Up!
away because #t cost 17 cents
("igars are cigars these days, even
though they are not- made of
tobaeco,
You know If you hold the cigar
between your fingers in the usual
manner, {t will burn a hole in the
skirt of the lady who s standing
80 close to you that your nose is in
among her back hair. In order to
prevent that® yvou, by a deft move
ment, turn the cigar inward, so the
lighted end is pointed toward your
~alm. You burn a large hole in
voar palm. Several people sniff
“The roast I 8 burning in the
oven,” remarks a smart girl in the
rear of the car.
“Twelfth floor,”” you growl, and
prepare to get off.
“Kxpress,’” growls back the low
brow who {8 chauffing the elevator.
“Twenty-fifth floor first stop.”
Then you decide to ride all the
way up and back to the main floor.
All the persons who want to get
out at the twenty-fifth are In the
rear of ‘the car and they try to
HAVE A SMILE?
“Do you econsider it sanitary to
permit yvour pigs to run in and out
of your kitchen?" asked a stranger
of a Scotch peasant,
“l dinna ken," wuas the reply, “but
in saxteen year ilka ane o' my hogs
hae used th' Kitchen, an' 1 dinna
reecollect losin' sae muckle ag ane
hog."”
Venus—Nevermore will he make
love to me. Gone is the use of pet
names whispered as we sat 6n tho
sofa with the lights turned low.
Vanished are the caresses. His ten
dernesses are now history. N(\\'ey
again will he press me in his arms,
murmuring that [ am his woodlesy -
toodlesy-wootsens.
Portia—What's the matter; have
you shown him the gate?
Venus-—-No: I'm going to marry
him.
Why doesn't RBill Hohenzollern
take a leaf from Fulton's book and
claim the war was framed and that
he took the count, as agreed, after
the fillums had been made? It
wouldn't be any harder to digest
than the yarn some German gen
eral gink vapped about Bill being
an innocent lamb. This leads to
the ,thought that if he is a lamb.
innocent or otherwise, why isn't he
led to the slaughter?
Mistress—Bridget, 1 really can
not stand your carelessness. There's
dust six weeks old on that chair.
Bridget—Don’t blame me, mum:
blame me pridicissor. I've been in
th' place but four wakes,
“I'm going to New York Monday
and would like to have a return
load, or part.”-—Adv. in Baltimore
paper.’
Wonder if he drove hisg car
straight on the return trip?
00l
PEELED CHICKEN.
Three-year-old Kitty was visiting
her grandmother, who lived on a
farm, Everything about the farm
was a novelly to the child. Another
pleasant thing about the visit was
was grandmother's constant ques
toning of: . =
“Now, what shall we eat today”"
- One merning she asked the usual
questlons as= to the menu. Little
Kitty thought a minute and then
answered: t :
~ “Oh, grandma, won't yYou please
cateh a chicken and peel It for din
crowd out. One of them, invari
ably, 18 a man with a suitcase and
the suitcase gets caught cross-wise,
After barking all the shins in the
neighborhood and having his own
overcoat buttons all torn off, he
gradually emerges, dragging the
sultcase and two or three passen
gers behind him.
After the twenty-fifth floor pas
From Here and There
No Ear Drums?
MBDH:AL OFFICER-—Have you any organic trouble?
Recruit—No, sir. [ air’t 3¢ bit musical
The Honor of His Family,
THE prisoner arrested for being drunk and disorderly had given his
name as Thomas Edison.
“Is that your real name?” asked the judge next morning in court.
“Well, yer honor,” replied the man. “I admit that I only ‘gave it as
a cover. You see, | hated to bring dishonor and disgrace upon a respect
able name."” ——
Qertainly, If Consistent. .
SHE (to flance)—We must be very economical now. Promise me that
you will do nothing you chn’t afford.
He-~What! Do you want me to break off the engagement?
Copyright, 1919, by Star Company. Great Britain Rizhts Rasarved
What He Learned. ' ;
w B. TRITES was knocking the modarn drama.
* “] once wrote a play myself,” he said. “After two years' work
on it, | submitted it to a manager. The manager sald it was full of
promige but totally lacking in technique. He advised me to visit the
theatre assiduously for a month or two and learn all I could.”
“l ran across him a month later in Broadway.
“‘“Well, my boy,’ he said, ‘have you been studying the theatre,6 as I
advised ?
" Yes,’ sald 1, 'I have.’ |
““‘Learnt anything?' he asked. ‘
“*Waell,’ I said, 'l've learnt one thing.' ‘
“‘Good!’ said the manager. ‘What's that?
“‘T've learnt,’ I said, ‘that I'm about the only man alive who isn't
able to get a poor play put on.”"” ‘
\
‘ A Cinch, |
“HOW." asked the stranger in Tennessee's n Hhuntains, hie ayes roaming |
.over a fleld so steep as to be almost perpendicular, ““do you manage
to plant that terrible hillside? Seems to me you'd be in danger of |
falling off!"
“l can set right here in my door and plant #,” drawled the native.
“How? 38
“Put the cawn in a shotgun and shoot it into the ground up thar.”
“And how do you get the corn down when it is ready for gathering?"”
the stranger asked. ;
“1 ean set right here in my door and git it down.”
“How?"
“Shoot it offen the stalk, and it rolls down,” said the native.
“And yet,” the town man went on, “I can't see how you ever get the
corn out of here.”
The mountaineer divided his sunburned mustaches with thumb and
finger and sf)‘at with dead!y aim at a yellow-legged grasshopper.
“That's the easiest part of it,"” he drawled. "“We make it into whiskey
and fight it out.™
Nice Distinction.
u’I‘HE\“RE comparatively rich, areu't they?”
“Well, I wouldn’'t say ‘comparatively,’” but ‘relatively.” They have
a rich uncle of whom they expect great things.” |
; FOREWARNED.
Office Nuisance—Can 1 see the ed
itor, boy?
Otfice Boy—Editor, sir? Not in,
sir,
Office Nuisance—But 1 saw him
come in only two minutes ago.
Office Boy-—Yes, sir; very likely,
sir; but he saw yvou first.
§ » . ’ . ’
]
Choice Wit Dat y 11l e Atlanta €orgidil
% Tell Your Newsdealer to Deliver The Georgian at Your Home E very Week Day, as Well as The Sunday American
RIS e e M iI i B e S R eSR S N
sengers have dragged themselves
out by main force, the car starts
and a fussy lady asks:
“Where i{s the Aetna Blow Pipe
& Dust Arrester Co.?”
“Don’'t know,” growls the con
ductor. "Look at the directory on
the main floor. Look in the ‘E's.”
“l did,” snaps the lady, “and it
wasn’t there.”
: HAD IT PAT.
Teacher—Name the five Zones.
Pupil-—Temperate, intemperate,
war, hospital and zero.
CONSUMING KNOWLEDGE.
Mother— ' “What's all this row going
on indoors?"’
Daughter— ““Baby’'s been and licked
Herbert's home lessons off his slate”
By TAD
A man starts to laugh, but is im
nledlately squelched by a battery
of menacing looks. An elevator is
no place to laugh. :
By the time you reach the thirty
fiftth floor the crowd has thinnel
until it is possible for you to look
at your watch and see what time it
is. You ride to the thirty-eighth
and take the same car back.
Arriving at the main floor youn use
care and take a local car for the
twelfth floor where you are going
to meet Mr. Lazarus W. Prinzle
and take lunch with him, = Mr.
'Pringle is president of the Chilled
Stee: Drili Company, to whom you
havé a letter of introduction from
a mutual friend in the Wesv and
who has therefore invited vou to
lunch.
You arrive at his office, No. 1235,
and note that his sign is not on
the door. A peroxide stenographer
inside informs you that he moved
the week before to some other floor.
She doesn’'t know the number,
THEN AND NOW.
1 used to rave, when first we met
'" And married-—you and I—
About your harplike voice, but now
To "harp" .1 adtt &4 “y."
When friskily you'd rag or chaff,
Quite thrilled, T would refer
To (heavens above) your silvery
laugh
I now subtract the “ver.”
When we were in the spring of life,
[ used to watch with bliss
Your gracetul lines. To graceful
now
1 must, perforce, add “dis.”
Too full of happiness to speak,
In love's warmth I would bask,
Anrd marvel at your damask cheek,
I now subtract the “ask.”
WHO BLUSHED THEN?
A pretty young teacher was once
placed in charge of a class of boys
and she asked them what they
would like to be when grown up.
They all had very high notions.
One was to be an actor, one a sail
or. one a ll)rry driver and another a
cowboy.
Presently it came to .a pretty,
fair-haired boy to-state his wish.
“What would you like to be?”
said the teacher.
Jackie blushed deeply, and looked
shy and afraid.
“Come, tell me your wish, Jackie,
please!" said the teacher.
“Please—-er—please, my wish—
er—is to be—your husband!” he
blurted out.
NOT FUR-LINED.
The weather was warm, and
Murphy decided tp shave in the
backyard. Mrs. Casey next door
observed this.
“Shure, Mr. Murphy,’ she called,
“oOi see ye're shavin’ outside.”
“Begorra,” answered Murphy,
“vez didn’t think I was fur-lined,
did yez?"
Inklings
Profiteering has more enemies in
public aud more friends in private
than any other disease.
It beats all what an Important
part of the house the cellar has
suddenly become.
A Missouri woman shot her hus
band by mistake for a mule, a mis
take which is llkely to happen in
many families,
This s the season when the good
old lady with the limber sunbonnet,
which hangs over her face, gets out
with the gardem hose and wets
down everything except the garden
The Government reports a large
crop of corn this year, but, as many
a gentleman will say, “What's the
use?”
| The German delegates to the
) peace conference brought their
| golf sticks with tham--all that is
| left of the German drive.
| i
There 1s going to be an *air
taxi” line between New York and
Atlantic City, and passengers un
doubtedly will favor a “no tip’
rule.
Detroit is planning to have a
world’s fair in 1922. There will
be a checkroom for slivers.
‘ Women in London are wearin;
| flowers instead of jewels to the
| opera. Do you suppose they are
! in earnest orchid-——ing tuemselves
i It’s a long way from a Hinden
1 burg to a dotted line, eh, Germany:
You go back to the maln fioor
and consult the directory and flad
that the Chilled Steel Drill Com
pany is on the twenty-sixth flcor
You wait for an elevator and in due
time, after another jezz and shimmy
with a bilg crowd, you reagh the
twenty-sixth floor, but ‘you can't
fight your' way out because you are
in the back of the car. You go to
the roof again and come back and
find that this car ricez*noi stop at
the twenty-sixth floor goirg down,
only going up. Sc you goutethe
main floor aga'n and this time take
a local for the tweniv-sixth floor
When .you reach Mr, Pringie's
office, you find that he has got tired
of waiting for you and -has gone to
Innch alone. By so[};\e lapse of
memory Mr. Prillglefl.}.fi%w%n
to tell his secretary where he would
lunch. 5
You mumble song@thing: betweern
apology and defia oand go out
into the hall ax%{ffl for ten
minutes to stop & W - that will take
you back to earth. w"\_’“ .
DENTAL HAPPINESS,
Bobby (with swéllen fice)—Oh,
dear! 1 wish 1 was grandpa or else
the baby.
Mother—Why? -
Bobby—Grandpa’s teeth are all
gone, and baby's haven't come yet.
“l thought yous m knew
something about éfx’ ing,’ said the
mistress.
“T did say so,” answered Mary
Jane.
‘Wrell, how do you make hash?”
“You don't make it. It simply
accumulates.”
“Did the new chauffeur fill the
bin?”
“No: but he came near filling the
hospital.”
“What are you laughing about?"
“Now that peace is here Tl'm
thinking of the poor heggers who
got married to escape the army.”
THE GENEROUS BOY.
Uncle—" And what are you going
| to give to your little sister for a
| birthday present?”
“I'm going to ask papa to get her
a football, and then Tl'll show her
how to play.” g
—————— . @
WHAT'S IN A NAME.
Married life has its sorrows no
less than its joys. Poor littie Adol
phus Carr found that out when the
baby was taken ill at 2 o'clock in
the morning, and he was ordered
out of his nice warm bed to go and
find a doctor.
Dashing down’ the street in pa
jamas and overcoat, he stopped at
the first doctor's house he knew,
and furiously rang the night-bell.
A voice came down the speaking
tube:
Who's there?”
“Mr. Carr—Mr. Carr, of—"
“Missed a car, have you? Well,
then, you can just walk home!
What on earth 4’ you mean by ring
ing me up about it?”
Love Letters
HE first love letter was
T carved in stone by Mr Bear
skin, who loaded & on a dino:
saurus dray and sent ft to the lady
of his heart But. though carved
I {n stone that love letter lived no
‘longer than mamy Which have been
wrftten sinoce,
When written on or@inary paper,
tencent note paper, a love letter
will last elght hundred and forty
years and, instead of fading the
l ink seems to get brighter with each
' paseing year. They are practically
indestructible and can be used for
agbestos stove mats with much suo
cess. In fact there 18 a rumor that
the first asbestos was made from
several love letters which were
mangled for that purpose.
Every day or so there is an ao
count of a fire somewhere in the
United States where everything in
the house is consumed excepting a
package ot old love letters. The
cook stove is completely melted
and the cement sidewalk in front
of the house {8 burned up but the
package of love letters ecomes
through practically unecathed.
They may be charred about the
edges but the reading matter is
still there.
The party who haltingly com
posed the first love letter set an
example in constructive stupidity
which has reached down through
the ages and finds its place in many
scores of court proceedings every
day. In fact, were it not for love
letters, going to court would be as
dull as attending services in the
Quaker meeting house. The judge
takes a hasty Inventory of the
lawyers’ tables over his spectacles
and if he sees no bundle of latters
tied with blue baby ribbon, he set
tles back in his chair for a nice
cozy snooze. Jurymen are anxious
to get back to their business and
the reporters phone their respec
tive offices that it looks like a dull
day in jurisprudence.
The fountein pen habit generally
strikes a man at the age of seven
teen years, but is worse after forty
than before twenty. With the
riper experience and a more com
plete knowledge of English, the
dlder man brings to the task a
proficiency which is at times the
marvel of his friends. A man may
be perfectly sane in other ways
and still sit down and write a love
letter that would make Alice in
Wonderland hide her head in a
jealous rage.
The world's champion optimist is
the one who believes that the lady
who recelves the letter is going to
burn it up or lose it. Neither of
these things ever happens. The
lady may burn the letter in quick
lime, to follow out instructions,
but it can be exhumed years after
‘ward in all its pristine beauty, and
as for lesing one, it can’t be done.
The strange thing about a love
letter is that it never means the
same thing a year later that it did
when it was writien, and when read
in publis ft somehow fails to in
spire in the writer the same senti
ments which poured from his fever
ish soul on the day he wrote it.
The love letter stands triumphant
in the world of immortal literature.
If written on tissue paper, it is as
difficult to destroy as a sheet of
tln. Every wife keeps a bundle of
them in the bottom of her trunk.
It is the first' requisite of married
life.
' “My wife gave me a big surprise,”
‘ “What was it?"
“I told her I was going to sit up
! with a sick friend, and she said she
; hoped I would hold as good hands
i as he did.”
| A GOOD EXCUSE,
| He—"l'd kiss you if I had an
. excuse.” :
She-—"“Well, the people in the flat
above are named Mistletoe.”
’ THE DIFFERENCE.
‘ Rafferty was pasisng a t'uh-Arank
- when he suddenly stooped and picked
‘ up half-a-crown.
“That’'s mine!” shouted the cabhy,
}“ho had noticed the action. *“l've
- just missed one!”’
| “No 'tain’t,” replied Pat, ‘‘yours
. hadn’t a hole in it.”
“Yes, it had.”
| “But this wan hasn't,” grinned Raf
ferty. ‘“Good mornin’.”’
Mrs. Murphy (;r(;m)ing): ‘T want
to see some mirrors.
Shopwalker: ‘Hand mirrors, mad
ame?”’
Mrs. Murphy: ‘“No; some that ye
can see wer face in!”
Sign over a small basement restau
rant in New York: “Cup of Cofs
fee and a Roll Down Stairs 15 cents.”
If the airship ;uj‘ee«ls in crossing
the Atlantic we may expect by and
by to see the ocean grevhound su
perseded by the ‘‘Sky(e) terrier.”
One of our S“’(:;;St singers is de
scribed as ‘‘the tenor with the thdoat
of gold.”
Lucky chap! To possess a golden
throat must be evn better than to be
born with ‘a silver spoon in your
mouth.”