Newspaper Page Text
A Few
-
Good Ones
Attributable to War News,
(CONYMA‘NON on Manday,
morning between the rural
editor and the colored porter,)
Editor—~Well, Charles, did yon
go to church yestarday? |
Porter—Yessah, boss, yegsah; [
allus go to church. I'se one od “;
pillers ob de church. |
/ Bditor—What did your minister
~ preach about? i
Porter—Wall, boss, | didn't ‘wact.
My ketch de applercation ob de ¢o
pection, but it wuz sunmpin’ erbo.l
de Possle Paul pintin’ de pistle to
do 'Fezians.
|
Speculating on Headlines.
EVERYBODY knows that the
negro has been a terrific fighter
in this war, with an honorable |
record worthy of his race, But
there have been moments of fear |
for him, just as there have been for
: the white man, for all soldiers say
that before they are to go over the
top ‘heir greatest fear is of fear
itself. i
“We Anglo-SBaxons shuah am !
« some fightahs,” sald Mose to his |
friend aftar the sorimmage was
over. But before he went over the
top he was not so certain about the
heroics.
“What do you all spec de newa
papah headlines am goin’ to be,
Mose?” asked his friend. It was
ten minutes to zero hour; the
negroes knew that 10,000 white ‘
men were supporting them in the
rear. |
“What do Ah think dem headlines
am goin’ to be?’ answered Moss,
“Ter. t'ousand white men trampted
to deaff.’s
y Laying Down His Arms. |
“VERY unconventional, isn't he?” |
“Very. I think he'd even #it |
with his elbows on the peace table.” |
—_ |
Sick.
uwumfi you very sick with the
flu, Rastus?” * |
“Bick! sick Man, Ah was so sick 3
mos’ ebery night Ah look in dater |
cacualty list for mah namse.” l
4 He Knew Her. ;
s MKS. FIGG—I really ought to go |
to that ciub meeting this after
neon, but 1 can’'t get up enougl |
energy Lo start |
g Figg—Won't it help you along if |
I tell you not to go? 'i
Unromantic.
Dwx.-—no you like romantic giris, I
Harry?
Harry—ll don’t. When you make |
a hole in your salary buying them !
expensive flowers they tear them |
apart, repeating: “He love me—he !
loves me not.” f
|
|
Receptacle for Hairpins, ’
. YM!xs, STYLES —This .paper says |
that in front of & lazge Londow |
building there was recently found
a pigeon’s nest made of Mkplu{
Where do you suppose the pigeons |
tound the halepins?” ‘
Mr. Styles—Oh, I suppose @ Jot of
women in the vicinity eouldn’t keep
their mouths shat.
5
The Razoo. |
A YOUNG fellow wrote t 0 a firm
in the south of Ireland whieh
* was selling razors as five shillings
each. This is the style of his let
ter:
“Please send one of your Tazors,
¥ twvhwhlmev.s.mm
shillings.
“p §.—i have forgotten 40 inclose
the five shillings, but no doubt »
firm of your standing will send
They replied:
“We beg to acknowledge yow €8
teemed orter, and have pleasure in
sending the raser, which we trast
you will like.
~p s.—We have forgotien 9in
closonh.erm:.'butnodoubtam
low with your cheek won’t need
oner -
A Never Again.
GOOING to get ouwt here to
U retch your legs?” asked
one man passenger of another as
the through train drew into a sta
tion.
“What place is this?”’ asked the
man addressed.
“Wibany.”
“No. 1 had one stretched hers |
Aona? 3
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What is a Luxury?
HEN they add a nickel lux-
W ury tax on the price of a
pair of suspenders, as they
do in some places, a person natu
rally begins to wonder. What is a
luxury and what is a necessiy? Of
course, a good many men wear
belts and have sluffed their sus
penders for good. When such a
man is dancirg a sex-trot with a
‘air partner in the middle of a ball
oom floor and he begins to feel
.izaster approaching, he is apt to
onsider a pair of suspenders a
cesgity and, perhaps, a luxury,
50, and he would be willing to pay
he nickel war tax to have a pair
)n at that moment—but at no other
ime. It really {8 a complex ques
tion.
A good wife 18 a luxury, yet we
jear nothing of a war tax on her.
she keeps right on working around
.he house for the cash she can
sniteh out of the house money dach
week. She hasn't been able to add
10 per cent.
The question whether a cellulotd
eollar is a necessity or a luxury has
raused many long and bitter argu
ments in stores gince the tax law
went into effect. The popular im
pression has always been that a
HEARST S SUNDAY AMLICAN . A Newspaper 101 reople wno Think — SUNDAY, MAY 25, 1919,
Krazy Kat
cellulodd collar {s & luxury only to|
be affected by the idle rich and
those in highwoclety where it is
necessary to have a clean collar
many times a day and where thdyl
obtain a clean collar by holding the
old one under a faucet for a towi
minutes. Btill there are some peo
ple who claim they are noceuklu.l
There soems to be no argument
over patent glass-cutters. They m!
laxuries pure and simple. 'l‘luy2
are born to be necessities, but thoyl
selMdom gain that distinction. No»l
Iy every family has fifteen or‘
twenty of them lying around thaz
house. Thie seems to be the onme
article which gets by without -I
fight.
There seems to be a sHght ques
tion sbout detachable shirt-fronts|
or “dickies,” as they are better|
known. Ungquestionably, with nf
great many society-going people
these loose-leaf shirt fronts are|
neoessities. The walters and jazz
dancers also put up a fight for them |
on this ground. But among ths
poorer people they remain in the
luxury class. When a poor man
buys a “dickey” it {s an event in,
his life.
And, by the way, which is a baby |
cab? |
Our Agony Column
ANID—To meet aged mil
gx} lionaire with hard coughy
object matrimony.
LOTTIE LIGHTFOQOT.
DEAR JOHN-—Come back, all will
be forgiven, but when you do,
bring some money with you; I need
a new washboard if | am golng to
continue taking in weaehing as In
the past. MYRTILLA.
LOST-—One wife, good looker, an
swers to name of Lucy; last seen
on Broadway; liberal reward; good
cooks are scarce. LONBSOME.
WILL the lady in the green hat
who was eating stawed rhubarb
in Child's Wednesday noon please
write to gentleman who owns a
good farm and a cow? X Y. Z
NOTICE—The lady who ran uflyi
with my Hector is welcome to
him, but will she please return the
horsehair watchchain he was wear
ing, as it belonged to my first hus- |
band and has a sentimental valne.
MRS. J. G.
GENTLEMAN in lavender vest|
who helped red-haired lady up|
steps of bus would appreciata
closer acquaintance; object matfl-!
mony; no sock darning. |
FANCY FREE.
Copyright, 1918, by Star Company
By Herriiian
Wheo discovered America?
Q A. The Standard O!l Company.
* 1 S
Q Why is endive salad?
A. The greatest colored prize-fighter ta the eighties was Pete/
I Jackson.
! Q What is the beet way to pickle peaches?
| A. It will not be possible after July 1.
. Q. Who invented the roller coaster?
A. The Woolworth Building overlooks most of New Yosk and there
fe plenty to be overlooked.
Q Why do they call them sad irons?
A. John Wesley often preached in his shirt sleuves.
Q What is the main ingredient of the Bronx cocktadl?
A. It was not Sir Christopher Wren who said: “Shoot, if you must,
this old gray head.”
Q. What goes around a button?
A. Joseph Miller, who wrote the joke book. died of poor health in
1741,
Q. Did any American aviator ever cross the Atlantic Ocean prior
to 19197
A. Yes, many of them—both ways. 0
Q. How many beans in a bushel?
A. Rub the sprain with cocoanut oil and stay off the affected foot for
one week. It is all right to walk on the other one.
Great Britain Rights Raserved.
Friend Wis
By Roy K. Moulton
Kansas Ofty, Misery, April 10.
RIEND Wlr'E:
F Well, Min, T have got a surprise for you back there in New
York. You know yon have always wanted me to get you a set of
genuine skunk furs. Well, 1 have got them at last and am sending them
| to you by exp. I got all seven of these furs from a farmer near Joplin
| in exchange for a wringer. | haven't had time to skin the animals, but
am sending you the furs, animals and all, thinking the furs would keeg
better that way and to prove to you they are genuine skunk furs. Yow
are always so skeptical about what | give you, S 0 you can send them
down to the butcher and have them killed and skinned, and there you
have your furs. I mever liked that butcher, anyhow.
Well, here | am in Kas City. The wringers are going pretty well
1 made enough last week to get out of Bt. Looey after giving the hotel a
talk and my alligatorskin bag. Recelved your telegram saying you
didn*t think I drink enough. But lam doing the best I can on the money
1 have. But |am going to stop, Min. I am going to stop for good, and
it goes this time. , I have thought ft all over and decided to quit om
June 30.
Last night I met a couple of guys here in the hote! who used to know
each other years ago, or they didn't exactly know each other, but they
knew a lot of the same people out in Cal. One would say, “Did you know
Jim Smith?”" and the other would say, “I sure did I.et’s have a drink!”
And the other would say, "Did you know Billy Horkins?” and the first
one would say, “I sure did. Let’s have another!” And it went on that
way all the evening. And, of course, as | didn’t, know any of the folks
they mentioned | had no oall to hook in every time, but they was so busy
mentioning old friends that they bouldn’t hear me refuse, and go, after
they had exhausted the vital statistics and all the telephone books in
Cal. I asked them if they knew Horatlo W. D!llingwater, in New York, and
they sald “Np,” so | didn"t have to buy. They asked me to try some
more names, but | couldn’t think of any more good ones like that.
There seems to be more ex-Californians than any other State in the
Union, and all the Californians I ever saw were ex-Californians.
And that’s the way it goes, Min. You see, when a man is in busi
ness, like me, he meets a lot of men after business hours, and you've—
| 1 mean I've—got to be one of them, or what's the usé trying to sell
wringers? There was a guy through here last night right fresh from
Paris, and he told that the Allies were sure to win the armistice, and to
just be patient a while longer and the Germans would be whipped and
lose the armistice. So don't worry about money any more, Min. You
know times are always kind of scarce during an armistice. This guy
| says there ave only two left to fight it out now—Wilson and Lloyd George.
? Everybody else has been whipped.
? You know | love you, Min. | always did; so why worry? Money
and love don't mix. There's no connection. You always want te talk
about money when [ want to talk about love. Now, you never hear me
wanting to talk about money. Money ain’t everything. If there was
nothing but money in the world, what would you eat and wear? If they
said, “Go ahead and eat your money,”™ what would you do? You'd starve
to death, so be reasonable.
| Well, after that we got into a poker game. | put up a couple of
sample wringers and got a ten-buck stack, and right across from me sat
a crose-eyed guy from Topeka. Did you ever set in a game with a cross
| eyed guy from Topeka, Min? If you didn’t, there is a treat in store for
you. Well, every time it wag his deal he smoked so hard it was like
trying to see aU. 8. destroyer on a submarine hunt. Well, he eases three
aces and a pair of queens into me, and I raised it two wringers before
the draw, and after the draw I bet four wringers, all my chips, my stick
| pin, overcoat and that aluminum cigar case you gave me on my thrae
i aces and pair of queens, and that boy had three acer and a pair of kings.
| Just topped me. 1 never had no luck and there are days when I can't lay
| up a cent.
| Don’t look as though there is ever going to be a shortage in the ace
,! crop out this way. But money you win gambling ain’t no good, anyhow
so why worry? What's a few wringers between husband and wife like
’ us? Now count ten and don’t say ft.
| Sorry to hear your mother is poorly. But don't worry. Nothing ever
happens to & woman like her. The feller that just got back frcm France
says every country will get its share out of the armistice, and the cross
| eyed guy says what will the U. S. get out of it, and the feller says we
| have already got the Flu and Prohibition out of the war, and we can't
': expect to have everything.
: Well, so long, Min. Take good care of the children and dorn’t get
! discouraged. Remember, care will kill a cat. Nothing personal: just a
{ little metaphorical llkeness of mine. If you can’t talk the butcher off
| any longer, tell him to wait until I come back and I'll give him a gzood
' talk. When you worry you spoil my whole trip.
‘ Your loving husband, HENRY.
Heard About Town
An Experienced Pair.
DMG Prestdent Linocolm’s flrst visit to the Springfield penitentiary
an old inmate, looking owt through the bars, remarked:
*“Well, Mr. Lincoln, you and I ought to be well posted on prisons
We've seen all there are in the country.”
“Why, this is the first I ever visited,” replied the Chief Executive
somewhat astonished.
“Yes,” was the reply, “but I've heen tn all the rest.”
Good 100 to 1 Shot.
KMAY I ask how old you are? said the vacationist to the old villager.
“r' be just & bundred.” ’
“Really? Well, I doubt if you'll see another hundred years,” sald the
other, trylng to make conversation.
“Wall, 1 don’t know s 0 much abowt that,” was the ready response.
“] be stronger now than whem | started on the first hundred.”
Revenge.
TH'E druggist danced and chortled till the bottles danced on the shelves.
“What's up?' asked the soda clerk. “Have you beer taking some
thing 7
“No. But do you remember when our water pipes were frozen last
Christmas ?”’ \
“Yes, but what"——
“Well, the plumber who fixed them has just come to have a preserip
tion filled.”
Where He Differed.
“YOUR HONOR,” gaid the policeman to the judge as he preferred a com
plaint against a colored man, “this man was running up and down
the Mill River road, waving his arms and yelling at the top of his voice,
and otherwise raising the mischief, at half past one in the morning. The
people of that district complalned, and they have a perfect right to.”
The judge frowned at Rasmus, who didn’t seem to be particularly worried.
“What do you mean by such unbecoming conduct?” his Honor
demgnded. .
“Religion, jedge,’” was the response.
“Religion! Are you a Holy Roller, or something like that? I have
religion, Rasmus, but I don’t get up at midnight and tell everybody
about it.”
“Dat’'s des de diffunce, jedge. I ain't ershamed ob mine.”