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Smiles in Pictures and Stories from All Over the World
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Honors Easy.
Gentlemian (condoling with widower)—You must bear up,
Snoggins; after all, it was a happy release.
Recently Bereaved One—lt were that there, sir; and for ’er, too.
Careless.
MR. LANGLEY-—Ah, they have
just dropped their anchor!
Mrs. Langley-—Dear me! 1 was
afraid they would; it's been dang
ling outside for some time,
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His Occupation Gone.
From Passing Show, London
The Visitor—Cheer up, old man,
what's the trouble? Can't have you
looking so glum with all this good
news about!
The Cartoonist—Good news be
hanged! How the dickens can | be
funny with Ferdy finished, Karl and
Turkey na poo, and now the Kaiser
—gone !
Ah.ah-ah-oh-oh-oh!
“IS your daughter taking singing
lessons ?"
“That’s what you t*heard, all
right! I hope you didn't think for
a minute that 1 had started beating
my wife.”
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Fro Londe Opinion
Small Child (after listening intently to officers discussing camou-
A flage)—My mummy has pink ribbons in her camouflage.
Ethiopian Verbiage.
A STAFF officer while at lhepl'ronl saw agnegro soldier who pelonged
so the One Hundred and Sixty-seventh Field Artillery Brigade.
Knowing the fine wor' the brigade had done, he stopped to.question
the soldier, .
“What do you do?”’ asked the officer.
“Al's de do-tendah ob de swahzant cans,” he replied.
‘The what?”
‘De swahzant cans.”
It dawned on the officer that the man was in a regiment using the
soixante-quinze guns, the French 755.
“I see,” he said, “but just what do you do?”
“Ah ‘tends de do’,” replied the negro. “Ah opens de do' an’ a man
puts in de shell. Den a man pulls de lofl'y‘ard an’ de gun has its little say.”
“Then what happens?” '
“We all sleps back an’ says, ‘Kaiser, count yo' soldiers.””
i Conquers His Shyness.
A CERTAIN surgeon, who was very young and rather shy, was invited
to dinner by a lady who was at least fifty, but frivolous enough for
twenty. She imagined herself very clever when making rude remarks.
At dinner she asked the young surgeon ftg carve a fowl, and not having
done so before he failed lamentably. Instead of trying to cover his con
fusion, the hostess called attention to it pointedly by looking down the
table and saying loudg:
“Well, you may b® a very clever surgeon, but if 1 wanted a leg off I
should not come to you to do it.”
“No, madam,” he replied politely, “but then, you see, you are not a
chicken.” y ¢ 2
2 Frank.
THE lawyer was trying hard for his client, and was setting the points
out in a logical manner. There was one thing he wag not quite clear
about, and he accordingly said: :
“Now, sir, you state that my client knocked you down, and then dis
appeared in the darkness. What time of night was this?"”
The complainant smiled.
“I can't say exactly,” he answered, dryly. “Your client had my
watch.”
Intelligent Turk.
THI-J recent Turkish armistice led George Cohan to
say: " i
“The Turk has well been called unspeakable. |
met one once at Pera. ‘l have seven wives,’ he told
me, calmly, blowing perfumed clouds from his hooka.
“‘Merciful powers,’ | exclaimed, ‘how do you man
age (0 pay their dressmakers’ bills? .
“The unspeakable Turk waved his hand:
“‘1 married dressmakers, son of an infidel’ he
pald.”
v
T ¢ War Is Not Over for Harry.
JANE WiLLIS—You look as if you had lost your
last friend. What {s wrong?
Marie Gillis—l'vé just discovered that Harry Is
false lo’ me. He wrote me from France that he
wasn’t even looking at any other girl, and now 1 see
in the paper that he has just been decorated for
gallantry.
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Last Aid. 4
Mu. TOMKINS was obliged to stop overnight at a
smell country hotel. He was shown to his
room bysthe one boy the place afforded.
“I'm glad there’'s an escape here in case of fire,”
commented Mr. Tomkins, as he surveyed the room,
“but what's the idea of putting a Prayer Book in the
room in such a prominent place?”
“That,” replied the boy, “is intended for use in
case e fire is too far advanced for you to make
your escaye, sir.”
Some Life. - .
“THE army must be a terrible place,” said Aunt
Sumanthy, looking up from the evening paper.
“Whet makes you think so, Samanthy?” asked her
dutiful spouse.
“\Why, jest think what it must be where beds is
punk and meals is a mess.”
That Breezy Western Whay.
THEY were playing poker in a Western town. One of the players was
a stranger, and was getting a nice trimming. Finally, the sucker saw
one of the players give hdmself three aces from the bottom of the pack.
The sucker turned ta, the man beside him and said, “Did you see
that ?”
“See what?” asked the man.
“Why, that fellow dealt himself three aces from the bottom of the
deck,” said the sucker.
“Well, what about it?"” asked the man. *“lt was his deal, wasn’t it?”
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From the Bystander, London,
Jobs for the Allied Inventors.
Unbullying the beef left over from the war.
Copyright, 1919, by Star Company. Great Britain Rights Reserved.
How Did It Get There?
Mns. CLARKE came running hurriedly into her
husband’s office one morning. ’
“Oh, Dick,” she cried, as she gasped for breath.
“l dropped my diamond ring off my finger and I
can’t find it anywhere.”
“It's all right, Bess,” replied Mr. Clarke. *“l came
across it in my trousers pocket.”
7’
Where Pat Was.
IN a small village in Ireland the mother of a soldier
met the village priest, who asked her if she had
had bad news. “Sure, 1 have,” ghe said. “Pat has
been killed.”
“Oh, 1 am very sorry,” said the priest. “Did you
receive word from the War Office?”
“No,” she said, “I received word from himselt,”
The priest looked perplexed and sald, “But how
is that?”
“Sure,” she sald, “here is the letter; read it for
yourself.”
The letter said, “Dear Mother—l am now in the
Holy Land.”
. Just Missed Perfection.
WHEN Mrs. Langtry was at the summit of her
beauty and fame, she met at a dinner an African
King who was visiting London. She did her best to
please the dusky monarch and evidently succeeded,
for he said to her as thev narteq, “Ah, madam, if
hefven had only made you black and fat, you would
be irresistible.”
The Learned Judge.
AN old offender was brought up before 3 well-known
London magistrate. .
The constable, as a preliminary, informed his wor
ship that he had in custody John Anderson, alias
Brown, alias Smith.
“Very well,” said the magistrate, with an air of
dignity. “I'll try the women first. Bring in Alice
Brown! What has she been doing ?”
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i From Passing Show, London.
Suitor—Sir, |1 ask for Miss Imo
gen’s hand
Her Father—Certainly, boy,
certainly, take the one thunwayo
in my pocket!
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Deaf Maiden Lady—How wonderful it must b:r:: Laer:,::;le’gn;;fla ¢
dominating man!
Dodging It.
“HUBBY, it I were to die would you marry again?”
“That question is hardly fair, my dear.”
“Why not?”
“If 1 were to say yes you wouldn’t like it, and to say never again
wouldn’t sound nice.”
Bumptious Family.
AN old farmer who, by hard work and parsimonious habits, had got
together a little fortune, decided that the time had at length arrived
when he was justified in ordering a family carriage. He went to a
carriage-builder’s and described the kind of vehicle he wished to buy.
“Now, I suppose you want rubber tires?”’ said the carriage-builder.
“No, sir,” replied the old farmer in tones of resentment. “My folks
ain’t that kind. When they're riding they want to know it.”
This Would Have Pleased Theodore Roosevelt.
A NOT wholly unimportant citizen and the father of ten children came
home thes other night and sat at the table with his considerable
tamily. '
“John,” said the lady opposite, “this high-chair is gefting awfully
rickety,” whereupon he said: .
“Here's $lO, my dear; go buy a new one—a good substantial one,
something that will last.”
Going Him Several Better.
THE oldest good story is the one about the boy who left the farm and
got a job in the city. He wrote a letter to his brother, who elected
to stick by the farm, telling of the joys of city life, in which he said:
“Thursday we anto’d out to the country club, where we golfed until
dark. Then we motored to the beach, and Fridayed there.”
The brother on the farm wrote back:
“Yesterday we buggied to town and baseballed all afternoon. Then
we went to Med's and pokered till morning. To-day we muled out to the
corn-field and gee-hawed until sundown. Then we suppered, and then
we piped for a while. After that we staircased up to our room and bed
steaded until the clock fived.”
The League-of-Nation-al Hymn,
“WHY do you ?bject to the League of Nations?”
e “On musical grounds. After sthging ‘My Country, 'Tis of Thee/’
all these years, I don't want the mental effort of changing to ‘Our
Countries, 'Tis of Those.””
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From Punch.
. “I hear your husband is home from France. Is the army going to
release him?”
“Well, ’e’s got a fortnight before 'e goes back, but by that time ‘e
‘opes to be demoralized!”
Watchful Waiting.
JI'DGE (to witness)—Why didn’t
vou go to the help of the de
fendant in the fight?
Witness—l didn’'t know which
was going to be the defendant.
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From the Sydney Bulletin.
Out on the deep when the son is
low.
The Ailing One—Get out of my
sight, you—you—you healthy-look
ing brute!
Always on the Job. ro
A YOUNG lady telephone operator
recently attended a watch-night
service and fell asleep during the
sermon. As the close the preacher
said, “We will now sing hymn num
ber three forty-one—three forty
one.”
The young lady, just’ waking in
time tb hear the number, yawned
and said, “The line is busy.”