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A Few Good I
Ones |
Friend Would Enjoy the Ride, |
_PESSIMIST'—' If you died teday, |
the sun would shine Jjust as
‘brightly to-morrow -
! Optimist—Oh, well, 1t 18 nice to
how that you have a decent day !
Hor your funeral, isn't it? |
, — |
Limited. |
WIPE - Oh, doctor, Cuthbert |
seems to be wandering in his
mind! I
Doctor (who knows him)-—
Don’t trouble about that; he “‘”I
A'o far. i
) il
' No Better Than a Lawyer.
uHA_VE you anything to say why |
/ sentence should not be passed
‘on you?” asked the judge. I
, “Not a word. | made speeches
‘the last three times | was convicted
\and they didn't seem to do me any
:-': 4.” replied the prisoner.
\ In a Fix.
"“AREN'T you ready, dear?"
¢ called bubby from dowa.
Istairs.
+ “As soon as | fix my hair, Henry,"
:C.ll. the reply.
* “Haven't you fixed your hair
yet?' came from Henry an hour
later,
* “Fixed 1t? shouted the female
wolce. “I haven't found it yet.”
: — e
! @Giving Father Away.
THE small girl had been permitied
v to visit' the vicar's family and
'stay for dinner, and just as the '’
clergyman had asked a Dblessing
and they were about to commence
the child said: “That isn’t the way
my daddy asks a blessing”
“And how does your daddy ask &
blessing?” he asked.
“Oh,” she said, “he just says:
M heavens, what a meal!’”
.
! The Reason.
CABH of the 'flu were still oe
i curring in the village, and Miss
‘Smart took the liberty of informing
her employer, who disliked fresh
@ir, that the real reason was lack
of ventflation in offices and shops.
| “Nonsense” sald the man. And
wadded with a glance at his typist:
:"Nlnety-nme cases of 'flu out of &
hundred are caused by wearing |
stupid transparent blouses” |
+ "1 suppose that accounts for the
'‘number of cases in the Army,
:M?" said Miss Smart, sweetly.
i os——
'
: Mystery Cleared.
THE minister met Tam, the wil
‘% Jage ne'erdo-well, the other
day and, much to his surpriss,
'shook him hesrtily by the hand.
*'“l'm so glad you've turned over
& new leaf, Thomas,” sald the good I
man.
“Me!" returned Tom, looking uI
him dublously. |
! “Yes—ll was so pleased to 800 |
you at the prayermeeting last
night. |
¢ “Oh,” saild Tam, » light breaking
: on him, “so that's where | was:
st |
: ce——
! He Understood.
Irn ssroplane bunked and looped
’ and volplaned, and then
‘elimbed and climbed till almost
Deyond the gaze of the spectators.
;‘!'huumvbronm-mo
erowd. It was falling. Down, down
#t came, over and over, twisting
and swerving until it appeared
about to strike the earth. Then it
suddenly righted and flew away.
“Ha, ha” laughed the aviator
“See that? Ninety per cent of
those people thought we were go
ing to erash”
“Well,” sald his passenger
" faintly, “fifty per cent of the crew
thought the same”
4
“ Both in the Alphabet.
. AW
-:“u “Well, Junior—"
* “Paw don't know much about
rmo does he?’
o “Not very much, but why do you
ek
“At the show this afternoon »
s man told paw the lady on the stage
was singing high G, and paw sall
At sounded like A
% ——
~ Bticking to Doc's Formula.
-*A TRAMP knocked at a kitchen
§ door and sald: ‘“Please, kind
«ledy, I'm & sick man. The doc'or
. gimme this medicine, but | ne.d
_ something to take jt with”
The lady wae ready jo belp.
s "Posr tellow!” she sald, "do you
“want & spoon and 8 glass of
water?™
" The tramp answered: “No, mum,
l‘: wouldu't trobble you. But (his
| medicine haster be Look before
meals, Have you got & meal
| bandy?™
LOTHETR GET D
~OURSELF THAT! ME
Vo) (o
BT GET A \
720 N|e o€ ' o R
2T ) AND BE SVHE eWiny
il IT FITS ’“;‘h 5
\ —_— i’ .
Cf ¥
ki ipiagei IF GETS THE RAL
= A, o FroMm THE ;
(}} :‘; WIFF
@l
=
A |
_ = _ '
- GETS OFF RATTLET. 3 1
: WITH KELLS v HAND
Ten Nights in a Bookstore I
By C. B, Quincy. -
(Publishers say prohibition will boom readina,) '
Scene-—A bookstore. Time—Next July.
IRST CUSTOMER-—Hey, Jin, gimme another Dickens.
F CLERK —Get the air, get the air. You've had too many now
Gerrout of here!
SECOND CUSTOMEH ~Bame, Jim. That was the best 0. Henry 1 ever
read.
THIRD CUSTOMER Looka here, Jim, give me the check for the last
FOURTH CUBTOMER { .round of Tennysons.
THIRD CUBTOMER
POURTH CUSTOMER (Matchya for it
BECOND CUSTOMER-~%ay, this one’s kind of flat.
CLERK-—My mistake. | gave you Wallace Irwin instead of O. Henry
Have this one on the house.
FIFTH CUSTOMER A bhuck for this small de Maypassant! I
CLERK -~ Well, you see it's imported goods.
SIXTH CUSTOMER -I'm off the hard stuff, Jim. Got something soft?
CLERK--Sure. Just got in & case of New Rapublios |
FIFTH CUSTOMER-~Let me bave a Balsac with Hergesheimer for a
chaser,
SEVENTH CUSTOMER-—Say, gimme a snifter, willya? A good stiff
eye-opener.
CLERK-Take this shot of fres verss. That’ll ix you up.
SECOND CUSTOMER-—~Whist, Jim, the cop’'s at the side deor. He
wants & slug.
CLERK~Take him out this Eltnor Glyn, like a good fellow, That'nl
warm him up. (Answering phone.) Hello, hello. Mr Biddle? Tl see
(Putting hand over recelver.) It's yoar wife,
FIFTH CUSTOMER--Hist. Out out ringing that ocush register, oan't
ya. Tell her you haven't seen me for & week. | told her I'd swore off
the reading. i
CLERK-—-Haven't seen Mr Biddle for a week (Nongs up phone)
Now, boys, elosing time. Al out.
ALL CUSTOMERS -Now, Jim, this is absolutely the last ~ ~
Wrap me up & volyme to take home .. . . Gimme a poc.iet flask of
Shaw. . . . Aw, Jim, | sin't inished this Marold Bell Wright
CLERK (Twrning out Ughts.)~Come on, | got & home If vou fellers ain’t
ALL OQUT!
Our Home
HOW large is the moon?
A. It depends upon the
% time of month and how far
away from it you stand when you
look at it. Sometimes it is very
large and sometimed only just so
-80
Q Who was Captain Kidd?
A He slarted the Arst summer
resort hotel fn America
Q. What is a plebesite?
A. It ig something they have In
small European countries, but wae
don't tnow whether it is s dissase
or an inseect.
Q What was it John Hancock
said?
A "What are you all golng to
have?’
Q What was Patrick Henry's
GARDEN OF EDEN. ‘.
George had only been marrted
to Kathleen a 4 year, and he was
anxious to take her to his war ger
den.
On the way (e rge promised that
be would let her eut :fl. first trujts,
He handed her the sclsscors, suy-
A Guy and a Hat, Etc.
Study Club
most famous remark?
A "T'll take the same”
Q How did Bagdad get its name?
A. The ecaliph of that country
many centurfes ago bought a new
pair of trousers and asked his son
how he liked them. The prince re
plied: "They bag, dad”
Q What weuld happen if & man
was up In the ajr with hip airplane
and the plane should fiy awsy from
him?
A The men would come down
as guickly as possible.
Q !s there any title & Bolshe
vik may not sspire to?
A. Yes Knight of the Bath
Q Wlo is the king of Albania?
A. Don't know but we cau tell
who is the king of Albany.
Ing: "You out the asparagus first.”
Kathleen's {dea of gardening was
very remote, but, not wishing (o
appear lgnorant, she repiied;
“Oh, George, how could |, whep
you have cultivated them? Lot me
hold the ladder while you cut
thami!® .
Cu\:?) Lsot.o.'.'
p DOO ]
P i
\| ] =
PURCHASES Q ¢ EL —
| ™HE KELLY X 2 ¥ 1
AFTER \WORK \;—_/ 7 ”‘ %
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N \ DROWSY
GOSH | ALMOST
WENT BN My
STATION
3 ANy 7
‘”o—.,—- o [/ 5
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el fi; 7] | saweus AT
I L I KIS GOOD LUCK
W A
s % ) % ON WAN TO
. Loy L
Ay KIS CASTLE
| s bl N 0
# éf;[- ’ ;#u&@\f » /'
‘ - v o
HE first thing my wife did after we were married was to delve into
I the family archives and discover that my middle name was Ken
neth, It was the one secret I had refused to divulge to her during
our long and otherwise pleasant courtship. After years of painful effort
1 had almost succeeded in forgetting it myself. A man’s middle name
pever means anything until be is married. .
“It will do,” sald Luella, “although, of course, it would have been
much better if it had been an old family name like Kiskadden or the
name of a castle like Kenllworth"——
“Or the name of a oat like Kilkenny er of a town lke Kennebunk
port,” 1 added. ¢
“It sno joking matter,” she said. “A middle name is essential, It
will give us our start in soclety.”
“It seems to me the Cornelius Vanderbilts, the August Belmonts and
moONonlnh'chnommuflusmonmm
toward social preferment without middle names,” I suggested mildly.
“But, my dear, they have something else, you know, while all we
have is the middle named—r
“And “000 a yoar,” I added.
'rho“.w.nuvmmuhu-uhflm-uno-udu
pame. In fact, the §5,000 & year will have no bearing upon the case whas
ever. | ask you where would the James Frothingham Binks's be with
out their middle name ™
“If {t's & game,” | replied, “Tll give it up 1 don't even know where
they are now."
“You must never say that alond,” warned Luella, “The James Froth.
ingham Binks's are at the top of the heap in the particular social set I
hope to make during our first yoar of wedded blles, And they have done
it all on thelr middle name, Not ewen a ear, A middle name will earry
you us far as & Mmousine will, if you handle it vight.”
“But not as tast and it doesn't give you the same ameunt of fresh alr,
The health-giving proelivities of a middle name are far infarior to those
of an antomebils, Now | know & man downtown, in Maiden Lane, who
bas the sipplest middle mame | ever heard “Heaconsfield —and he's sickly
all the time.”
“Nevertheless the eprder has gone to the stationers and our ealling
eurds and notepaper will be here to-marrow.”
That was the first prediction Luells had made in the eapaeity of wife,
and It came true, as have most of her predictions sinoe, And the eards
were besutiful, They seemed to take that #5,000-ayear foeling away em:
tirely and put a SIO,OOO-a-year féeling in its place Good stationery has
a peychological effect and glves ome that Hmousine sensation, its enly
drawback being that it is apt to lead ene iuto excesses of money apend
fug. Dress sults have the same elfect on some people. The one | bought
when Luella and | wore married, and whieh | still have, has led me inte
many foolish investments. It sort of lifis me above my station in life,
and 1 don’t come down azain untfl I am in my old business suit next
morning. It lsn't the original cost of the dress sult that coungs, but the
upkeep. Good stationery and dress suits epente the morale necessary to
get on Lo sectety on §6.000 a year. .
I often think of Uncle Russoll Bage and his baggy trousers and his
snufl-cotored business eoat. Also 1 often mul\u“ upom the fact that the
only letter 1| ever peceived from a millionaire was weitten on the back
of an old envelops with & lead pencil. Milllonaires beecme 50 not #v
wuch by what they do, as by what they do not do.
| eould not deny the fact that our new stationery had its fusidious
effoet upen the embattied dowagers whom we hoped to cultivate. Slowly
wo seoped into soclety, and when our name was first mentioued in the
publie prints it looked not so bad-—not BO bad. .
1 found that Luella was right in stating that the $5,000 a year would
pot make s 0 much difference. Our $5.000 a year didn"t seem to make
suy Wore Roise (han a $lO LUI drapping on & volvet carpel in the house
ALL WELL!
I was in a volunteer camp, and
the oMicer who was going the
rounds one night r”n!ly came
ACTOss & Dew reoruit on sentry -go
for the first time:
“Now, mind you, let no one go by
without challenging bhim,” he cau-
Getting on in Society on $5,000 a Year &y roy k. Mouiton
| -
[, . e
liy o
R
g . £
R \‘-\ II
—em— o
T Gogs TO
£ 7 SLeEP AND
‘\ \ O\ Ty Drops ke
<\ \ \§&
tioned the man,
“That's all right, sir” sald the
fresh one. “The slightest noise
wakes me!™
THEIR DESTINATION.
“Do you know where little boys
g 0 when they mmeke?”
“Yes, up an alley.”
) L) s o
CATLHES T™™E ’\\Q
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next door. Baeck in the days of the Pilgrim Fathers we presume $5,000 a
year was considered quite some money, but the more our civilization has
progressed the more we have learned about curremey, and what it will
not do. It was Luella’s diplomacy and our middle name that gave us our
present proud position in society—mnot the $5,000 a year at all.
We found that the apartment house landlords had done much to make
the world safe for $5,000-a-year soclety, It was our good fortune to land
immediately in the Stratford Arms. The name carried much weight,
The James Frothingham Binks's did not Mve in the Stratford Arms, but
in the Buckingham, just across the street. The naming of apartment
houses is a fine art, and, looking at some landlords, we wonder how they
do it. For instance, there is nothing about our own landlord which
smacks of Shakespears, or, in fact, of any English author, and we have
often been led to doubt that he knows whether Shaw is a writer or an
exclamation, but by some cunning inspiration he named his apartment
house the Stratford Arms, and it is the Mecos of people who have middle
names.
We oannot but fuel that our gocial progress would have been con-
Muwunwh-nmmbhnmndhma
house named The Finnegan or The M It ts so mneh pleasanter
to hear people say, “Oh, yes, They Hve in The Tuilleres,” or, “They have
.Mmmmqmnum' Luella and I know
& young couple who come of good families and who have not enly $5,000
|~.bflmo".-‘-“-~l¢n‘oflmhunfflm
of rheumatism that will get him foside of two yeara, and they have not
been able to turs a wheel in our set for the reason that their stationery
bears the name of “The Tubbs Tarrace.”
In our advice to beginners we would say that the shortest out to
soola! preferment Hes in the entertainment of distinguished persons,
Luella and 1 received our first tip in this matter when the James
Frothingham Bigks's entertained a eslebrated poet from India, with a
name ! have never been able to remember, and that I had never heard
befors, He were a lavender kimona and recited things. 1 will not say
that he was sn exdPullman porter, because I never say mean thinga,
Oupnwc-fluhldumww.
However, the very next week Luella and | entertained a oelebrated
poetess of passion from the West. We had learned that if, at the fateful
sero hour, when yeu go over the sonial top, you ean take a distingulshed
porson with yeu, your haitle 1s won, This girl, an old friend of Luella's,
passed through the erdeal nobly and recited half the Ameriean Anthology
the first evenMmg, She had never had anything published, but had bopes,
We followed this up almost Immediately by introducing Luella's
Unele Heetor, also from the Par West, Uncle Hector was a prominent
painter. We did not think §t mecessary to say exactly what he palnted,
and ne ane in eur get was padiplomatie encugh to ask,
Unele Hectar had a distressing way of turning the conversatien in
the direction of hegs, and we were ohliged to explain that the ralsing of
fancy swine was a hobby of uncle's, a sort of pide line, as it weve, HMon.
esty promupts me to say that so far as Old Masters were concerned, I
don't believe Uncle Hector eould have teld a genuine Rubenstein from an
imitation Van Winkle, but I do know personally that when he was a
younger man he painted sowie of the best houses in Kansas Oltg,
Others in our s6t have entertained famous poets, actors, engineers,
soldiers and copper kings, aud wo have never had a eatasthrope. The
sthics are always closely observed and distinguished guests are never
given the third degrea
I have endeavored to be frank. An apen confession is good for the
soul, if & man who is getting on In socloty on 34,600 a year can be satd
to have a soul. I will state candidly that it can be dane. The grade can
be made on the sum nominated in the bond, but not witheut a sruggle,
It is mot the sort as like 0 be entered upon Mghtly,
THE DIFFERENCE,
(Lines to a Rival Poet)
Your meter's not as good as mine.
Your rhythm's rather rotien;
Your joke is just the final line
Your style s soon forgotien.
Your seansion lsn't up to much,
Your subject's often lawme,
. By TAD
Registered T, 8. Patent Office.
Your verses lack poetie touch,
Your lit is often lume.
Lest you should think | mean to
boast,
Pl finish off my rhyme—
Then send mine back-ceturn of
post-—
And print yours every time,
-
Natty Natatorials
and Naughty
Ones. ;
LOTHES do not make the mani
C and yet a bathing suit may
unmake him both in the sensZ
of physical impréssion and in ®
tezal way. Metropolitan = haber
dashers who are about to advertise
the usual cotton, wool and flannel
bathing fabrics should, in justice to
their customers, provide each pury—
chaser with sartorial regulations &s
they are applied to the beaches.
A man may be the glass of baths
ing suit fashion at Long Beach and
no less than a law-breaker at
Brighton. What would be balled
as a three-bage costumic hit at Sea
Gate conceivably might be scored
in the error column at Rye. So
much depends upon where one is as
to the difference betweem natty
natatorials and nu}:ghty ones.
Ever gince bathing suits began to
feel the Palm Beach and Winter
Garden uwge, town, 'village and
hamlet elective fathers have been
hard put to define a moral bathing -
suit. Nor have they reached any
thing like a unanimous agreement,
Consequently red-faced , policemen
who, on blisteringly sunny days,
geem to be in danger of meltl
completely away, have been fi
to parade the bonclml, singling o
and tapping with their nightan
day sticks the more sartorially ds
ing. A repeated major offense -
the part of a male, such as
ing the uppers tucked mto the 1
ers, has often led to an arrests
Mueh depends on the copper.
' Women are generally the more
chronic offenders. 'While oux
beaches will soon offer testimony
that a woman bether may safely
commit assault and battery against
the primary colors and their vark |,
ants she cannot go bare legged or '
n “one-plece”—that is uniess she
is known to the patrolman to have
an amateur or professional swime
ming reputation, ;
It is unalterably the opinion of
bathers that the village fathers who
throw up these Jegal bulwarks
against the dangers of bathing suly
immorality do not know what they
are legislating about, However uns
impeachably moral {f may be to
wear the skirt of a bathing suit
over she trousers, the fact remains
that a combination thug worn ofs
fers very little prouctzon to the
bather’s back.
Sand {s surprisingly migratory
and Inquisitive. It is nothing for
a pint of it to make a grand ball
room out of a bather's spinal
column, and if it likes the place it
may invariably be counted upon to |
wear out Its welcome—particularly
if it is wet sand.
Tucking in the bathing suit shirt
offers a semisandproof defense
against the peripatetic drifts and
their holiday followers, but that
means nothing to a village alder
man, He is generally of the opin
fon that bathing sults will always
be more or less immoral until they
are equipped with patent, non
breakable buttons and & pair of
leather suspenders.
In California they have attempt
ed to solve the matter of swimming
facility and aguatic morals by pro
viding memn with one-piece lul"\
oquipped with a sort of skirt.»
Tlese are not half so astonishing
to belhold as to be told about, and
a flea 15 foreed to carry a pair of
scissors or a jackknife along with
him if he hopes to get on anything
like Intimate terms with a Los
Angeles bather. The ability of the
California flea to carry a pair of
shears or a bone-handled knife need
not be doubted, A flea with aver
age muscles from the somth of Call
fornia could walk off with & hardd
ware store on his shoulders and
think Mttle of i,
In Missour! there are sower vee
atriotions, Virtvally the only re
straint placed upon the potential
~ bathar Is the color of the Misals
#tppl. Mark Twain spins remantie
yarna of” rivermen who used to
~ #wim “the Wather of Waters.,® The
diver has never seemed to have
| golten over it
| Bo bathing suft restriotions are
- more or less unnecessary there.
" They have an annual tenamile swim
at 8t Louts under the ansploes of
‘ the Missourt Athletio Assoelation,
- “When the competitors line wp on
the raft for the start they weas
bathing trunks, but after they dive
off they leave everything te the
yellow waters of the Misstasippd,
As the matropolitan bashing ses
son s about to open ft might be
well for the various town fathers
in various townships te get tos
rether on the matter of untves
sally Jegal bathtig elothes Pose
sibly they would never be unank
mous on anything short of a diving
sult,
BUDDING KNOWLEDGE.
“My dear Mrs. Croesus, may | oot
put pour nume down for tickeix to
Professor Pundit's conrse of lece
tures on Duddhism?™
“Oh, by all medns! You Know
how passionately fond | wm o
flowers.” .