Newspaper Page Text
e o
Sizing Up the
Cosmic U
Cosmic Urge
i R. ERASMUS W. Momiller,
; M of Indiana, evolved a eplen
> did idea to bring about the
- pleasant consummation known as
. Decoming very wealthy. In his odd
- moments, having July 1 In mind,
he sat down and composed e
pocket handbook containing one
thousand cheap and sure methods
of distilling lignor at home. H®
contracted with the village printer
_ to have these published by the hun
dred thousand, and sat back to
walit for the wealth to pour in, Then
he read a report in the newspaper to
the effect that a bill had been in
troduced in Congress and would
be passed, providing & severe pen
alty for circulating formulas for
- making booge at home, also for
heving such formulas in one's
possession. Mr. Homille® has gone
back to his job driving the road
scraper for the township,
A fire broke out in the harness
shop of Leonard J Frisby, of
Peoblea, the other evening, at a
wery unfortunate time. All the
members of the fire department
were enjoying thes picture at the
Blite Theatre at the time. They
did not know about the fire until
% wes well under way and the
smoke began coming into the the
atre. Then one of their members
went to ring the fire bell at the
hose house while the others has
tened home to get their uniforms
on. Most of them had returned in
their uniforms ineide of thirty min
utes when the hose wagon was
pulled out and taken to the fire
The harness shop wus entirely con
sumed but by great effort the de
partment succeedel In saving the
Commercial House next door by
placing a large hook over the wall
next to the fire and pulling it
down. The meat market next to
the hotel was saved, to the ap
parent disappointment of the large
erowd which had ecllected.
Mr. Lauclus W. Proudfoot, the
wellknown inventor, of Wee
bawken, evolved a new non-oxplo
sive gasoline to be used for the
purpose of cleaning gloves and
kid shoes, although of course, not
1o be used in automoblles or guso
line stoves. The gasoline was, ao
‘cording to the inventor, absolutely
harmless and would render the
cleafiing of gloves a pleasure in
stoad of a peril In order to de
~ monstrate the doetlity of his In
~ vention, Mr. Proudfoot took a bar
- rel of it into his studio and
dropped a lighted match into It
The funeral was held at the
church. Some of the shingles of
his house are still falling in neigh
boring townships.
Professor Jonas F. Witherspoon,
of Atterbury College, has compiled
" & model constitution for a League
of Nations which he hopes to pre
sent to the proper authorities. It
18 & very brief draft, compared with
some others. He began reading it
to his class at the college at 9
g'clock the other morning, and at
8 o'clock that evening he was still
; reading. He claims that it covers
gm conceivable point, giving all
the other nations everything they
" want and America nothing, and is
fn every way a praiseworthy pact
Mr. Fimer Hicks «nd Miss Pansy
Tibbitts, of Three Corners, were
Jeaning against the rafling of the
~ bridge across the river, and Mr
. Hicks was asking Miss Tibbitts to
f“ across the matrimonial seas
g'fl him when the rafling broke and
" they were precipitated into the an
. gry waters below. Mr. Hicks swam
. boldly to shore and saved Limself
_ and then sprang bas.. trto the water
~ and swam back to save Ms flances.
" When Mr. Hicks roached her, the
w‘u’wboondofitflcond war
" about to go down the third time
L”‘m.umeun-hundorwch
arm, having secured one on each
" trip down. Mr. Hicks is being con:
rmw upon having chosen &
" wife who will probably save him
. a good deal of money, it he can
f”““ ppon her to fall off the
. bridge every night.
: e
_ REALISM,
% 1 refuse to play Jullus Cacsar
I‘ tonight unless you get me an ade
%;quno mob” said the eminent tra
© gedian,
% *“What do you mean by an ade
" quate mob? asked the stage man
;;;uer. with & dangerous gleam in his
eye.
. “Ahem! Tt should at least be
gim enough to convince the audi
fm that Rome was a populous
g;my and frequently had more than
_ three people on Its strects at one
| time.”
- SOMETHING MISSING,
T “Well, Mary, what d:d you think
‘of the picture at the exhibition?”
L. “Oh, #ir, there was a picture
i:d Two Dogs After Landseer
t | looked at it for 'ar! an hour
couldn't gee no Landscer!”
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HERE are many people who
T will not know just how to act
after pational prohidbition
goes into effect. This Is written to
school these people In the etiquette
of the soda fountain and soft drink
emporium so that their etiquette
will be what etiquette shonld be. It
Is & sort of first aid to the booze
wounded.
Ope of the most popular of the
soft drinks is an ice cream soda.
In drinking your first ice cream
soda be sure to remember not to
blow the foam off the top of the
glass. The collar on an ice cream
soda is harmless and does not In
terfere with the drink. You drink
the foam from around the lce
cream, and if you are able to find
the fce cream you eat it with a
spoon, or a fork or your pocket
knife, whichever comes handies’
The flavoring (o an lce cream soda
always finds its way to the bottom
and you are at liberty either to eat
HEARST'S SUNDAY ~AMERICAN — A Newspaper for People Who Think -— SUNDAY, JUNE 15, 1919,
it or leave 1t alone, You will be as
nappy in elther instance.
A [rappe is a bunch of ice cream
with whipped cream and a cherry.
The cherry in a frappe comes on
top and not at the bottom of the
glass, as you have been used to
having your cherries served. You
eat the cherry with a spoon and
not & toothpick., Eat the cherry
betore you eat the drink. Most soft
drinks are eaten, not drank. This
is something else you will have to
get used to.
When approaching a soda four:
tain watch your step. Never, un
der any clrcumstances, siap an.
other drinker on the back and say:
“HL old top? The other drinker
may be the mother of a large fam.
{ly and she will resent such famil
farity. NeitLer should you gaze
lachrimosely at the soda boy anl
say:
“Say, Jack, what do you think of
the naw Police Commissioner? Do
you koow the boss dou't under
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Cold Turkey
stand me? He thinks I ought to be
working in the peanut department,
and here’s me the best machinist
that ever puddled a bowl of iron.
If he don't get wise to the fact
pretty soon that 1 am the best man
on the job and raise my salary I'm
golng to blow the works and leave
them without a good man to pass
the buck to. My wife says, ‘Jim, It
you don't give me at least twenty
outer your next week's cheek I'm
going over to that soda fountain
and drag you out by the neck,’ and
I told her If she did you'd have har
pinched, apd then | gave her a ten
spot and bouvght the kid a skid car
and now we're friends again”
The idea Is this: Soft drinkers
are not in the habit of unloading
all their troubles on the man be
hind the counter, and if you un.
bosom yourself to a soda clerk like
you have been used to bulling the
bar boy, you'll not only got thrown
out, but yor are liable to land In
the Bellevue psychopathic ward,
Copyright, 1818, by Sear Company. Great Britain Righta Reserved.
Eddie’s Friends
By Roy A. Giles
which s where all the nuts go that
don't go into the sundaes.
Another pastime that you are not
supposed to indulge in at & soda
fountain is that of buying everyono
within ear sho! a fresh drink. If
you say, “Give il the boys and girls
& drink on me,” the boys and girls
will think you are from the coua:
try, and the soda boy will throw
you out and your generosity wiil
be wasted and your good offices
.misunderstood. You can't get ax
quainted with people as easily at a
soda fountain as you could at the
fountain of perpetual youth and
good spirits
Don't rush wildly into a sods
store and shout that it is your
birthday, and that you've got a roll
that's bigger than an elephant’s leg
and that you're going to spend un
til the Sub-Treasury gets out aa
injunction,
Thatused to be a gpood little
ufterdinner speech. It used teo
HUHT WHAT'S THAT
Y sAY EDDIET?
" Do 1 WANT To HiRS
A FRENCH CHEF 't o
SURE, SEND HIM
RIGHT OVER.
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wake you more friends tnan the
wan that hands out the jobs at the
National Capltol, but not after Ju'y
1. Nobody wlill give a whoop after
July 1 whether you are having a
birthday or not. You won't be able
to get a cheer out of a birthday
argument eveam {f you were born
triplets, and on the seventeenth of
March. All the birthday steann
which used to blow ‘out the safety
valves of human enthusiasm will
dissipate and become nil at mid
night on the day before the worst
which 1s »ysi to come actually
comes,
And just a word about motherin
law. After July 1 you will no long:
ar be able to appease the old lady
with & ladle of egg nog or hot
Scoteh. You'll have to begin agreo
ing with her. You will have to
coincide with all she says and does,
and if she does not like celery phos
phate heaven alone can help you.
Remember you don't need anv
chaser with & soda fountaln driak.
Lon't ask for a plece of lemon peal
or a clove to fool the family. Don't
ask the soda boy to muddle the
mint, Soda fountain drinks dou"t
muddle. You are just the same
after you took one as you were be
fore, only fatter.
Don't go Into a soda store and
stare at a table where the prettiest
girl sits. Don’'t ask the waiter if
he can't horn you into her party.
Don't ask the walter to drink with
you. Don't start to sing. Don't
make any political speeches, Don't
do any solo dancing in the middle
of the place. Don’'t shout that yoa
can whip any man in the world an
der 200 pounds. Don't announce
that you used to play ball with the
Harlem Hokuspokuses. Don't hold
any long dialogues with your old
schoolmate, and demn't recite any
long monologues.
There are only two things that
you are used to doing that will be
last for you to do, erook vour elbow
and lay down your changs, i
From Here
and There
Afraid.
A WOMAN went into the OCanay
dian booking office to get &
passage for her son, who was about
to emigrate, and while the maa
was looking up the partioulars she
chanced to look round, and noticed
in a glaes case & stuffed Oanadian
moose,
“What kind of animed s that?™
ghe inquired.
“Oh,” said the man, *“Thats &
Canadian moose.”
“Oh, if that's the case,” she sald,
“Il have my money back. I
wouldn’t let my son go out there.
What must the rats be like!”
Inside Infofmation.
“SAY. sonuy,” asked the tramp of
the little boy. playing in the
yard, “where does your father keep
his money ?*
“In the kitchen, in the pocket of
an old vesat,” replied the boy.
Two minutes later the tremp
emerged from the kitchen door
with great speed, looking terribly
battered.
“Sharp kid, that” he murmured,
a 3 he picked himself up. “He
didn’t tell me his old man was in
the vest.”
He Could Share It.
AMERICANB in England refuse
to have their spirits dampened
even by our climate.
The colonel of a regiruent, mak
ing a night tour of a certain camp,
was challenged by a seuntry who
had been standing at this post for
two hours in a driving rain.
“Who’s there?” said the sentry.
“Friend!” replied his colonel.
“Welcome to our mist!” sald the
sentry.
There Were Others.
“SO our engagement is at am
end?” said the blond youth.
“It is certainly at an end,” re
plied the fickle brunette.
“l suppose you will return the
engagement ring?”
“l certainly will if you call
around some night and pick it
out.”
Meteoric.
DISSATISFIED HOUSEHOLDER
Do you mean to say that this
meter measures the amount of gas
we burn?
Gas Collector—~l will enter into
no contfoversy, sir; but I may say
that the meter measures the
amount of gas you will have to pay
for.
Loyal to the Last.
“S() Casey was runnin’' me down
an’ ye stood up for me?
“Oi did. Oi sez to him, ‘Casey,’
siz Of, ‘ye're honest an' truthful an®
ye're no coward, an’ ye work hard
an' pay yer dibts, an’ ye don’t get
drunk an’ lick yer wolfe, but In
other respects ye're no better than
Dolan!"*
On the Safe Side.
AL’PHOUGH Tim and Pat were
known to be great friends, it
was remarked that one morning
they passed each other on the
street without speaking
“Why, Tim,” queried a friend ia
astonishment, “have you and Pat
quarreled ™
“Faith, we have not™ wrepled
Tim, earnestly,
“There seemed to be a coalness
between you when you passed this
morning.”
“Well,” explained Tim, “that's
the way we're golng to hold ows
triendship.*
“l dont understand.”
“Yo dont? Well thin, R this
way. Pat an’ me are that devoted
to wan another that we can't bear
Lacked Push,
uwl“ didn't you send your man
to mend my electrie doos
bell, as you pramised ™
“He did po, madam; but as he
rang thres timea and got no an
awer he concluded thet there wae
nobody home*
The Fual Problem,
MR& REDD-~Where are we go.
Ing o smaptor luneh, deart
Ny, Redd—Vhl, we'll have to
stop for gasoline fvet, and # an
depends upon what they chasge in
that partiounlar town for gasaline
whether 1t will he worth white
stop for lunch or ned
Bewildering.
ffrlfll‘ short skirts are rether
bewfidering *
“Yea, I len't safe any mere to
offer to take what you think b g
Wtle ginl on your lapl*™