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A Few Good
Ones
Friend Would Enjoy the Ride.
PESS!MIST-~—H you died today,
the sun would shine just as
brightly tomorrow.
Optimist-—-Oh, well, it is nice to
know that you have a decent day
for your fumeral, isn't it?
Timited.
wmfl: — Oh, doctor, Cuthbert
seems to be wandering in his
mind!
Doctor (who knows him)==
Don't trouble about that; he can't
B 0 far.
No Better Than a Lawyer.
“HA\'E you anything to say why
gentence should not be passed
on you?” asked the Judge.
“Not a word. | made speeches
the last three times 1 was convicted
and they didn’t seem to do me any
z od,” replied the prisoner,
In a Fix.
“AREN’T you ready, dear?”
called hubby from dowa.
stairs.
“As soon s I fix my halr, Heary,”
came she reply.
“Haven't you fixed your hair
yet?” came from Henry an hour
later.
“Fizxed #t?" shouted the female
voloe. “l haven't found it yet.”
Giving Father Away.
THI small girl had been permitted
to visit the vicar's family and
stay for dinner, and just as the
clergyman had asked a blessing
and they were about to commence
the ¢hild said: “That {sn't the way
my daddy asks a blessing.”
“And how does your daddy ask a
blessing?™ he asked.
“Oh,” she sald, “he just says:
‘Good heavens, what a meal!'”
The Reason.
CAG‘M of the 'flu were still oc
curring In the village, and Misa
Smart took the liberty of informing
her employer, who dirliked fresh
alr, that the real reason was lack
of ventilation in offices and shops,
“Nongense” said the man. And
gdded with a glance at his typist:
“Ninety-nine cases of "flu out of a
hundred are caused by wearing
stupld transparent blouses.”
“l suppose that accounts for the
number of cases in the Army,
then?” sald Miss Smart, sweetly.
0 \
Mystery Cleared. |
THE minister met Tam, the vik
lage ne'erdo-well, the other
day and, much to his surptiss,
shook him heartily by the hand.
“I'm so glad you've turned over
& new leaf, Thomas,” sald the good
man.
“Me!” returned Toms looking at
him dublously.
" “Yes—l was so pleased to see
you at the prayermeeting last
night.
“0h.,” sald Tam, a Mght breaking
in on him, “so that's where | was
s 0
He Understood.
r.l acroplane banked and looped
and volplaned, and then
olimbed and climbed till almost
beyond the gaze of the spectators,
Then & gasp broke from the
erowd. It was falling. Down, down
it came, over and over, twisting
and swerving until it appeared
sbout to strike the earth, Then it
suddenly righted and flew away.
“Ha, ha" laughed the aviator.
“See that? Ninety per cent of
those people thought we were go
ing to erash.”
“Well” sald his passenger
faintly, “fifty per cemt of the crew
~ thought the same”
. Both in the Alphabet.
AW
“M “Well, Junior—"
" “paw dont know nn;h about
musie, does he?"
« “Not very much, but why do you
. ask?™
“At the show this Aafternoon a
man told paw the lady on the stage
" was singing high G, and paw sall
it sounded like H.”
Bticking to Doc’s Formula.
. A TRAMP knocked at a kitchon
i door and sald: “Please, kind
" iady, I'm & sick man. The doctor
gimme this medicine, but 1 neod
* gomething to take it with™
« The lady was ready to help.
“Poor fellow!"” she said, “do you
*want a spoon and & glass of
water?™
* The tramp answered: ‘‘No, mum,
1 wouldn't trouble you. But this
. medicine haster be took Lcfare
, meals. Have you got a meal
‘1 handy 7
LOTHERR GET
«“OURSELF ’\/\ .
b THATS ME
o But GET A uidd
7 | e onk L
{3 IV AND BE SURE }J "\'l/“
\iT 'rS “V\ v
‘ err A
y ¥
e |
Lfi Sl, GETS THE RAL
~——-———-———-——» = ’?.,'q /{‘ FrROM THE
?/ %j, WIFF
\ ' ) r a 9 it — co—
| g
{
‘: N
SR e
| *“ N GETS A
i Ay : SEAT ON
.qfi \ \\ ‘Rimo |
=) BT e .
WHERES
("‘“"’) ‘ ( e FIRE ? )
y e |
e/l X
! o w 0o ——
f?&fi iR b ‘ % ‘
R 2 vis i o i~ \
{0) ol ‘
JOL L
"“fil, @nß ik ——TT / 5
‘ GETY OFF RATTLETR.
WITL KELLY Iv HAND |
Ten Nights in a Bookstore
By C. B. Quincy.
(Pubtishers ray prohibition will boom reéading.)
Bcene—A bookstore. Time—Next July.
IRST CUSTOMER--Hey, Jim, gimme another Dickens.
F CLERK--Get the alr, get the air. You've had too many now
Gerrout of hera!
SKRCOND CUBTUOMER—Bame, Jim! That was the best O. Henry I ever
read.
THIRD CUSTOMER }Looka here, Jim, give me the check for the last
FOURTH CUSTOMER{ .round of Tenaysons.
THIRD CUSTOMER
FOURTH cumumnl““’h" for 1t :
SECOND CUBSTOMER ~say, this one’s kind of flat.
CLERK-—My mistake. | gave you Wallace Irwin Instead of O. Henry
Have this one on the house. |
FIFTH CUSTOMER—A bueck for this small de Maupassant!
CLERK-Well, you see it's imported goods.
SIXTH CUSTOMER —l'm off the hard stuff, Jim. Got something soft?
CLERK--Bure. Just got In & case of New Republios.
FIFTH CUSTOMER-<let me have a Balgac with Hergesheimer for a
chaser,
SEVENTH CUSTOMER-—Say, gimme a snifter, willya? A good stiff
eye-opener.
CLEKK-—~Take this shot of fres varse. That'll ix you up.
SRCOND CUSTOMER--Whist, Jim, the cop's at the side door. He
wants a slug.
CLERK-Take him out this Elmor Glyn, like a good fellow. Thatll
warm him up. (Answering phone) Hello, hello. Mr Biddle? Tl'll ses
(Putting homd over receiver.) It's yoar wife.
FIFTH CUSTOMER—Hist. Cut out ringing that oash register, can't
ya. Tell her you haven't seen me for a week, I told her I'd awore off
the reading.
CLERK--Havent seen Mr Biddle for a week. (Hangs wp phome.)
Now, boys, closing time. All out.
ALL CUSTOMERS —~Now, Jim, this ls absolutely the llast ~ ~
Wrap me up & volume to take home .. . . Gimme g poc.cot flask of
Shaw. . . . Aw, Jim, | ain't faished this Harold Bell Wright
CLERK (Twning out lghts, )--Come on, 1 got & home 1 vou fellers ain't
ALL OUT!
Our "lome Study Club
HOW hare s the moon?
A. It depends upon the
¢ {ime of month and how far
away from ft yon stand when you
look at it. Somotimes it s very
large and somet'mes oanly just so
-80.
Q Who was Captain Kidd?
A He started the first summer
resort hotel in America.
Q. What I 8 a plebesite?
A. It ig something they have
small Buropean countries, but w
don't know whether it ia a disease
or an insect,
Q What w: lohn Hancock
said?
A. “What are you all going to
have?'
Q What war Patrick Henry's
OARDSN OF EDEN.
George had only been married
to Kathleen a year, and he was
anxious to take her to his war ger
den,
On the way Gedrge promised that
he would let her cut the first frults,
He handed her the sclssors, say
A Guy and a Hat, Etc.
most faous remark?
A. "T'll take the same”
Q. How did Dagdad get Ita name?
A. The oealiph of that country
many centurfes ago hought a new
pair of trousers and asked his son
how he liked them. The prince re
pliad: “They bag, dad"
Q What would happen If a man
was up in the alr with hip alrplane
and the plane should fily away frow
him? "
A. The man would come down
a 8 quickly as possible.
Q. !s thers any title a Bolshe
vik may not aspire to?
A. Yos Knight of the Bath,
Q. Who s the king of Albania?
A Don't know but we can tell
who Is the king of Atbany.
ing: “You cut the asparagus first,”
Kathleen's {dea of gardening wau
very remote, but, net wishing to
appear (gnorant, she replied:
“Oh, Qeorge, how could 1, when
you have cultivated them? Lot me
hold the ladder while you cut
them!"
oM THATS .
W
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PURCHASES l y ‘
™E KELLY 5 s E o : ;,,F
AFTER WORK \_J [ ;”%
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7
wz{ wn,
PAhT . FEELS
X \ " DRowSY
” L -
GOSH | ALMOST
° WENT By My
STATION
:p. b e.o '
1 ;'j' f,‘ M .4. )
” 7?_ o & !
» ~ |
T AT | T e
| AN R
I T 3 y};@fi ON WAY TD
P HIS CASTLE
i mn};,?@
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2 ’;fif q
ey ‘ ,
- MHE first thing my wife did after we were married was to delve into
I the tamily archives and discover that my middle name was Ken
neth. It was the one secret I had refused to divulge to her during
our long and otherwise pleasant courtship. After years of painful effort
1 had almost succeeded in forgetting it myself. A man’'s middle name
never means anything until he is married. . s
“It will do,” sald Luella, “although, of course, it would have been
much better if 1t had been an old family name like Kiskadden or the
name of a castle llke Kenflworth"——
“Or the name of a ocat like Kilkenny or of a town lke Kennebunk
port,” 1 added.
“It 18 no joking matter,” ghe sald. “A middle name is essertial. It
will give us our start in soclety.”
“It seems to me the Cornellus Vanderbdilts, the August Belmonts and
the Ogden Mills's have struggled along quite a distance on the road
toward soclal preferment without middle names,” I suggested mildly.
“But, my dear, they have something else, you know, while all we
bave is the middle name"——
*“And $56,000 a year,” I added
“The $6,000 a year will not make as much difference as the middle
pame. In fact, the $5,000 a year will have no bearing upon the oase what
ever. I ask you, where would the James Frothingham DBinks's be with
out their middl.o name
“If it's & game,” I raplied, “T'll give 1t up. 1 dom't even know where
they are now,"”
“You must never say that aloud,” warned Lualla, “The James Froth
fngham Binks's are at the top of the heap in the particular soclal set 1
hope to make during our fArst Year of wedded blisa, And they have done
1t all on thalr middle name. Not even a ear, A middle name will earry
you as far as a Hmousine will, it you handle it right.”
“But not as fast and it doesn't give you the same amount of fresh alr,
The health-giving proolivities of a mitidle name are far inferior te those
of an automobile, Now I know & man downtown, in Malden Lane, who
has the elpplest middle name ! ever heard —Beaconsfleld—and he's sickly
all the time” :
“Nevertheless the erder has gone to the stationers and our ealling
eards and notepaper will be here to-morrow.”
That was the first prediction Luella had made in the eapaeity of wife,
and it eame true, as have most of her predictions sinee, And the eards
were beautiful, They seemed to take that §SOOO-a-year feeling away on
tirely and put a $10,000.a-year feeling in its place. Geod stationery has
a peychological effect and gives one that limousine gonsation, its only
drawback being that it is apt to lead ene into exeesses of money spend.
ing. Dress suits have the same effoet on semo peopla, The one I beught
when Luella and 1 wero married, and which 1 still have, has led me inte
many foollsh investments. It sort of lifts me abowve my statien in life,
and 1 don't come down agaln watil I am in my old business suit next
morning. It ian't the original cost of the dress suit that counds, but the
upkesp, Good stationery and dress suits ereato the morale necessary to
got on In soclety on 85,800 a year,
1 often think of Uncle Russell Bage and his baggy trousers and his
snuffcolored business coat, Also 1 often cogitate upon the fact that the
only letter 1 ever recolved frem a millionaire was written on the back
of an old envelope with a lead pencil. Millionaires beceme se not se
much by what they do, as by what they do not do,
1 oould not deny the fact that owr new stationery had its insidious
effeet upon the embattied dowagers whom wa hoped to eultivate, Blowly
wo seeped intofeociety, and when our name was first meatioped in the
publie prints it looked not so bad—not 8O bad,
1 found that Luella was right in stating that the $5,000 a year would
not make so much diference. Our $5,000 a year didn't seem 0 make
aly. more noise than a $lO bill dropping on a velvet carpet b the house
ALL WELL! .
1 was in a volunteer camp, and
the officer who was guing the
rounds one night rrennlly came
ROrOsS 1 New recrult on sentry -go
for the first time:
“Now, mind you, let no one go hy
without challenging him,” he cau-
Getting on in Society on $5,000 a Year & roy k. mouton
f———-——é—————— <
-
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e
e A
B\
LTSGR
NGk
1\ S~ Drops k&Y
—T/ i :
tloned the man,
“That's all right, sir” sald the
fresh one “The slightest noise
wakes met™”
THEIR DESTINATION,
“Do you know where little boys
#0 when they smoke?™
“Yes;, up an allev.”
« i
fi;‘i\“ "'m
I Mffi@ |EH
CATLHES T™E M.’\\
o EARLY RATTLER- :
FoR SHRIMRUILLE
|
HAT
-2\
S
| HIS 7/ )\ WRNE;
(
o El /@Ws\\l}
, e “yk\ T /\~~
ARRWES -+ K 5 e
;o T w
next door. Back in the days of the Piigrim Fathers we presume §5,000 a
year was considered quite some momey, but the more our civilization has
progressed the more we have learned about currency, and what it will
not do. It was Luella's diplomacy and our middle name that gave us our
present proud position in society—not the $5,000 a year at all. -~
We found that the apartment house landlords had done much to make
the world safe for $5,000-a-year society. It was our good fortune to land
immediately in the Stratford Arms. The name carried much weight.
The James Frothingham Binks's did not live in the Stratford Arms, but
in the Buckingham, just across the street. The naming of apartment
houses is a fine art, and, looking at some landlords, we wonder how they
do it, For instance, there is nothing about our own landlord which
smacks of Shakespeare, or, in fact, of any English author, and we have
often been led to doubt that he knows whether Shaw is a writer or an
exclamation, but by some cunning inspiration he named his apartment
house cho.smflord Arms, and it is the Mecca of people who have middle
names. ;
We cannot but feel that our social progress would haye been con
siderably deterred if we had been unwise enough to have moved into a
houx named The Finnegan or The MecGinnis, It {s so much pleasanter
to hear peopls say, “Oh, yes. They live in The Tuilleres,” or, “They have
a perfectly elegant apartment in The Fontainbleau.” Luella and I know
a young couple who come of good familles and who have not only $5,000
a year, but $6,000 a year, and an uncle in Standard Ol who has a form
of rheumatism that will get him inside of two years, and they have not
been able to turn a wheel in our set for the reason that their stationery
bears the name of “The Tubbs Terrace”
In our advice to beginners we would say that the shortest out to
soclal preferment lles In the entertainment of distinguished persons,
Luella and I recelved our first tip hi‘thh matter whén the James
Frothingham Binks's entertained a eslebrated poet from Indla, with a
pame | have never been able to remember, and that | had never heard
before, He wore a lavender kimona and recited things. 1 will not say
that he was an ex-Pullman porter, because I never say mean things,
One ean accosmplish just as mueh by innuendo.
However, the very next week Luella and | entertained a celebrated
poeteds of passion from the West. We had learned that if, at the fateful
wero hour, when you go ever the sonial top, you can take a distinguished
person with you, your battle is won, ‘This girl, an old friend of Luella's,
passed through the erdeal nebly and recited half the American Anthology
the first evening, She had never had anything published, but had hepes,
We followed this up almost tmmediately by Introducing Luella's
Unele Hector, also from the Far West. Uncle Heetor was a prominent
painter. We did not think It necessary to say exactly what he painted,
and ne one in eur set was undiplomatie enough to ask,
Unele Hector had a distressing way of turning the conversatien in
the direation of hegs, and we were obliged to explain that the ratsing of
fanoy swine was a hobby of uncle's, a sort of glde Hne, as 1t were. Hon.
esty prompts me te say that se far as Old Masters were eoncerned, 1
den't belleve Uncle Hector eould have told a genuine Rubenstain from an
imitation Van Winkle, but 1 do knew personally that when he was a
yeunger wman he painted some of the best Nouses in Kansas Oity,
Others in our set have entertained famous poets, acters, engineers,
soldiers and copper kings, and we have never had a catasthrope. The
ethics are always closely observed and distinguished guests are never
given the third degrea.
1 have endeavored to be frank. An opéen genfession is good for the
soul, if & man who Is getting on In soclety on $5,000 a year can be said
to have a soul. 1 will state candidly that it can be done. The grade can
be made on the sum nowminated in the bond, but not withaut a struggle,
It is not the sort of lile to be entered upon Il’htly.
THE DIFFERENCE. .
(Lines to a Rival Poet.)
Your meter's not as good as mine.
Your rhythm's rather rotten;
Your joke is just the final line,
Your style is soon forgotten,
Your scansion fsn't up to much,
Your subject's often tame;
By TAD
Registered U. 8. Patent Office,
Your verses lack poetic touch,
Your MMt s often lame. .
Lest you shoudd think | mean to
boast,
Ml finish off my rhyme —
Then send mine back-—veturn of
. post —
And print yours every time,
Natty Natatorials
and Naughty
Ones.
~4 LOTHES do not make the man
L and yet a bathing suit may
unmake him both in the gense
of physical impression and in a
legal way. Metropolitan haber
dashers who are about to advertise
the usual cotton, wool and flannel
bathing fabrics should, in justice to
their customers, provide each pur
chaser’ with sartorial regulations as
they are applied to the beaches.
A man may be the glass of bath
ing suit fashion at Long Beach and
no “less than a law-breaker at
Brighton. What would be hailed
as a three-base costumic hit at Sea
Gate conceivably might be scored
inh the error column at Rye. So
much depends upon where one is as
to the difference between natty
natatorials and naughty ones.
Ever since bathing suits began to
feel the Palm Beach and Winter
Garden urge, town, village and
hamlet elective fathers have been
hard put to define a moral bathing
suit. Nor have they reached any
thing like a unanimous agreement,
Consequently red-faced policemen
who, on blisteringly sunny days,
ceem to be in danger of melting
completely away, have bSen forced
to parade the beaches, singling out
and tapping with their night-and
day sticks the more sartorially dar
ing. A repeated major offense on
the part of a male, such as wear
ing the uppers tucked into the low
ers, has often led to an arrest.
Much depends on the copper.
Women' are generally the more
chronic offendeszs. While our
beaches will soon offer testimony
that a woman bather may safely
commit agsault and battery against
the primary colors and their vari
ants she cannot go bare legged or
In “one-piece”—that is unless she
is known to the patrolman to have
an amateur or professional swim
ming reputation. y
It is unalterably the opiniem of
bathers that the village fathers who
throw up these legal bulwarks
against the dangers of bathing suit
immeorality do not kncw what they
are legislating about. However un
impeachably moral it may be to
wear the skirt of a bathing suit
over the trousers, the fact remains
that a combination thus worn of
fers very little protection to the
bath&¥'s back.
Sand is surprisingly migratory
and inquisitive. It is nothing for
a piut of it to make a grand ball
room out of @ bather's spinal
column, and if it likes the place it
may invariably be counted upon to
wear out its welcome—parttcularly
if it is wet sand.
Tucking in the bathing suit shirt
offers a semi-sandproof defense
ageainst the peripatetic drifts and
their holiday followers, but that
means nothing to a village alder
man. He is generally of the opin
fon that bathing suits will always
be more or less immoral until they
are equipped with patent, non
breakable buttons and a pair of
leather suspenders.
In California they have artempte
ed to solve the matter of swimming
facility and aquatic morals by pro
viding men with one-plece suita
equipped with a sort of skirt.
These are not half so astonishing
to behold as to be told about, and
a flea is forced to carry a pair of
sclssors or a jackknlfe along with
him it he hopes to get on anything
like Int{mato terms with a Los
Angeles bather., The ability of the
California flea to carry a pair of
shears or a bone-handlod knife nead
not be doubted. A flea with aver
age musocles from the south of Cali
fornia could walk off with a hard
ware store on his shoulders and
think little of i,
In Missourl there are fewer re
strictions, Virtvally the only re
straint placed upon the potential
bather 1s the color of the Missis
&tppl. Nark Twaln spine romantio
yarns of rivermen who used to
swim “the Father of Waterse,® The
river has never seemed to have
gotten over it,
So bathing sult restrictions are
more or less unnccessary there.
They have an annual ten-mile swim
at Bt. Louls under the auspices of
the Missourl Athletio Association,
When the eompetitors Mne up on
the raft for the start they wear
bathing trunks, but after they dive
oft they leave evervthing to the
yellow waters of the Mississippl,
As the metropolitan bathing seas
son s adbout to open it might be
well for the varlous town fathers
In various townships to get to
gother on the matter of umivers
sally legal bathing elothea Pose
sibly they would mever be unani«
mous on anything short of a diviag
suit,
E————
BUDDING KNOWLEDGE.
“My dear Mra, Croesus, may [ not
put your name down for tickeis to
Professor Pundit’'s course of bec
tures oh Buddhiom?™
“Oh, by all meana! You know
how pussionuiely fond I wm of
flowers ™