Newspaper Page Text
A Few Good
Ones
Friend Would Enjoy the Ride,
PESSIMIST~~ It you died to-day,
the sun would shine just as
_brightly tomorrow.
Optimist—Oh, well it {8 nice to
know that you have a decent day
for your funeral, isn't it?
Limited.
wn'l-: ~~ Oh, doctor, Cuthbert
seems to be wandering in his
mind!
Doctor (who knows him)-—
Don’t trouble about that; he caa't
Bo far.
No Better Than a Lawyer.
‘flAVE you anything to say why
sentence ghould not be passed
on you?!” asked the judge.
“Not a word. | made speeches
the last three times | was convictad
and they didn’t seem to do me any
# od.” replied the prisoner.
In a Fix.
“AREN’T you ready, dear?
called hubby from dowa.
stairs.
“As soon as I fix my hair, Henry,"”
came the reply.
“Haven't you fixed your hair
yet?” came from Henry an hour
later.
“Fixed It?™ shouted the female
volce. “l 1 haven't found it yet.”
Giving Father Away.
THE small girl had been permitted
to visit the vicar's family and
#tay for dinner, and just as the
elergyman had asked a blessing
and they were about to commence
the child sald: “That Isn't the way
my daddy asks a blessing” |
“And how does your daddy ask a
blessing?™ he asked.
“Oh,” she sald, “he Just says:
‘Good heavens, what a meal!’"”
The Reason.
CASN of the 'flu were still oc
curring in the village, and Misa
Smart took the liberty of informing
her employer, who disliked fresh
air, that the real reason was lack
of ventilation in offices and shops,
“Nonsense” said the man. And
sdded with a glance at his typist:
“Ninety-nine cases of 'flu out of a
hundred are caused by wearing
stupid transparént blouses "
“l suppose that accounts for the
number of cases In the Army,
then?” said Miss Smart, sweetly.
Mystery Cleared.
TH! minister met Tam, the vik
lage ne'erdo-well, the other
day and, much to his surpriss,
shook him heartly by the hand.
“I'm so glad you've turned over
& new leaf, Thomas,” sald the good
man.
“Me!"” returned Tam, looking at
him dublously.
“Yes—l was g 0 pleased to sees
you at the prayvermeeting last
night.
“Oh,” sald Tam, a light breaking
in on him, “so that's where | was,
is 1t?" '
He Understood.
‘rll_ aeroplane banked and looped
and volplaned, and then
elimbed and climbed till almost
beyond the gaze of the spectators,
Then a gasp bdroke from the
crowd. It was falling. Down, down
it came, over and over, twisting
and swerving until it appeared
about to strike the earth. Then it
suddenly righted and flew away.
“Ha, ha” laughed the aviator.
“See that? Ninety per cent of
those people thought we were go
ing to crash.”
“Well,” sald his passenger
fllnuy. “fifty per cent of the crew
thought the same”
& e
- Both in the Alphabet,
.‘“AW?“ \
® “Well, Junior-——-"
“Paw don't know much about
music, does he?
. “Not very much, but why do you
ask?
“At the show this afternoon &
fban told paw the lady on the stage
was singing high G, and paw sail
it sounded like H"
Bticking to Doc's Formula.
A TRAMP knocked at a kitchen
door and said: “Please, kind
lady, I'm & sick man. The doctor
gimme this medicine, but 1 neod
gomething to take It with.”
The lady was ready to help.
. “Poor fellow'” she sald, “do yoa
want a spoon and & glass of
water?™
The tramp answered: “No, muin,
] wouldn't trouble you. But this
ine haster be took before
::. Have you got a meal
rfin"
LOTHETR GET ST
~«OURSELF Cmm ME *
A STRAw TODAY VJ
e . ALL OVER (
N S A
‘t’ YS)AND Be SVHE YRAL b |
IT BITS ’”)i"\ . |
\ e iY_
C AL
bt L, : 1, GETS THE RAL
2 J FROM THE |
%% %;)l lr= ;‘;0 % \NIFF
| WA
O I
T A
é’\—v §'
: ;_1
82 39 T
GETT OFF RATTLER.
WITH KELLS v HANVD
Ten Nights in a Bookstore
By C. B. Quincy.
(Publishers say prohibition will boom readina.)
Scene-—A bookstore. Time—Next July.
IRST CUSTOMER-Hey, Jun, gimme another Dickens.
F CLERK - Get the air, get the air. You've had too many now
Gerrout of hera!
SECOND CUSTOMER-—Bame, Jim. That was the best O. Henry I ever
read. |
THIRD CUSTOMER Looka here, Jim, give me the check for the last
FOURTH CUSTOMER/{ .round of Tennysons,
THIRD CUSTOMER
FOURTH CUSTOMER [Matehya for it
SECOND CUSTOMER -~say, this ono‘l'klnd of flat.
CLERK--My mistake. l!nvo you Wallace Irwin Instead of O. Henry
Have this one on the house. |
FIFTH CUSTOMER-—~A buck for this small de Maupassant!
CLERK—WaeII, you gsee it's imported goods.
SIXTH CUSTOMER —l"m off the hard stuff, Jim. Got something soft?
CLERK--Sure. Just got in a oase of New Republios.
. FIFTH CUSTOMER —let me have a Balsuc with Hergesheimer for a
chaser.
SEVENTH CUSTOMER-—Say, gimme a snifter, willya? A good stift
eye-opener.
CLERK-Take this shot of fres varse. That'll fix you up
SECOND CUSTOMER-—~Whist, Jim, the cop's at the side door. He
wants & slug. s
CLERK--Take him out this Elinor Glyn, llke a good fellow, ThatN
warm him up. (Answering phone.) Hello, hello. Mr. Biddle? I'll see
(Putting hand over receiver) It's yoar wife
FIFTH CUSTOMER-Hist. Out out ringing that cash register, can't
ya Tell her you haven't seen me for a week. I told her I'd swore off
the reading.
CLERK —~Haven't seen Mr Biddle for a week (Hangs wp phome.)
Now, boys, closing time. All out.
ALL CUSTOMERS -Now, Jim, this is absolutely the last ~ . .
Wrap me up & volume to take home .. . . Gimme a pocset flask of
Shaw., . . . Aw, Jim, | ain't finished this Harold Bell Wright,
CLERK (Twrning out ights. )—Come on, 1 got a home If vou fellers aln't
ALL OUT!
Our Home Study Club
HOW large is the moon?
A. It depends upon the
* time of month and how far
away from it you stand when you
look at It. Sometimes it s very
large and sometimes only just so
-80,
Q Who was Captain Kidd?
A. He started the first summer
resort hotel in America,
Q. What is a plabesite?
A. It ig something they have In
small European countries, but we
don't know whether it is a disease
or an insect,
Q What was it John Hancock
said?
A. “What are you all going to
have?™
Q What was Patrick Henry's
GARDEN OF EDEN.
George had only been marrted
to Kathleen a year, and he wus
anxjous to take her to his war ger
den,
On the way Gecrge promised that
he would let her cut the first trults.
He handed her the scissors, say-
A Guy and a Hat, Etc.
most famous remark?
A. “I'll take the same”
Q How did Bagdad get its name?
A. The ecaliph of that country
many centurfes ago bought a new
palr of trousers and asked his sen
how he liked them. The prince re
plied: ‘“They bag dad”
Q What would happen if a man
was up in the afr with hip airplane
and the plane should fly away frow
him?
A. The man would come down
as quickly as possible
Q Is there any title a Bolshe
vik may not aspire to?
A. Yes. Knight of the Bath,
Q. Who s the king of Albania?
A. Don’'t know but we can tell
who ls the king of Athany.
ing: “You cut the asparagus first.”
Kathleen's {dea of xardening was
very remote, but, not wishing (o
appear ignorant, she replied:
“Oh, Qeorge, how could 1, when
{:n have cultivated them? Let me
Id° the ladder while you cut
them!”
| Cu m? QOLD.‘«'
A DOO 5 :
G\
N\ S
PURCHASES l . his:
THE KEULLY X 3 - ?
AFTER WORK \ ) E £ ~=<
J W joo ¥
—————————————— e ea———————
1/
41' £
-
» - —
1 f ‘
’ 3\ ’
A ¢ &(" )u a.’ llv
v ,;: "Ay ‘:‘.- \
&R . . FEELS
GOSH | ALMOST
\HE’J‘- By MY ‘
STATION
s\, \
Sal - ) ;
-- - U
”% ()
tf‘)@ - | ‘-l LAVGHS AT
I LN\ l KIS GOOD LULK
13 NG ONWAY TO
. B el
£ et A< HIS CASTLE
] et X
B A e !
=t o ‘
i e 3
HE first thing my wife did after we were married was to delve into
T the family archives and discover that my middle name was Ken
neth. It was the one secret I had refused to divulge to her during
our long and otherwise pleasant courtship. After years of painful effort
1 had almost succeeded in forgetting it myself. A man’'s middle name
never means anything until he is married. . '
“It will do,” sald Luella, “although, of course, it would have been
much better if it had been an old family name like Kiskadden or the
name of a castle llke Kenllworth”——
“Or the name of a oat like Kilkenny or of a town lfke Kennebunk
port,” 1 added.
“It is no joking matter,” she sald. “A middle name is essential. It
will give us our start in soclety.”
“It geems to me the Cornelius Vanderdilts, the August Belmonts and
the Ogden Mills's have struggled along quite a distance on the road
toward social preferment without middle names,” I suggested mildly.
“But, my dear, they have something else, you know, while all we
bave s the middle nameV—
*And u.m a yoar,” I added,
*“The $6,000 a year will not make as much difference as the middle
pame. In fact, the $5,000 a year will have ne bearing upon the oase what
ever. 1 ask you, where would the James Frothingham Binks's be with
out their middle name?™ i
“If it's a game,” I replied, “T'll give ft up. 1 don't even know where
they are now,"
“You must never say that aloud,” warned Luslla. “The James Froth.
ingham Binks's are at the top of the heap in the particular soolal set I
hope to make during our first year of wedded bllss, And they have done
it all on thelr middle name, Not even a ear, A middle name will carry
you as far as a Hmousine will, it you handle it right.”
“But not as fast and it doesn't give you the same amount of fresh atr,
The health-giving proelivities of a middle name are far infarfor te those
of an autamobfle, Now 1 know a man downtown, in Mailden Lane, who
has the sipplest middie mame I ever heard —Besconsflald—and he's sickly
all the time” v
“Nevertheless the erder has gone te the statieners and our ealling
eards and notepaper will be here to-merrow.”
That wag the first prediction Luella had made in the eapaeity of wile,
and it eame true, as have most of her predictions since, And the end\g
were beautiful, They seemed to take that §5,000-a.year fecling away en
tirely and put a SIO,OOO-a-year fdeling In its place. Good stationery has
a peyehological effect and gives one that Nmousine ponsation, its enly
drawback being that it is apt te lead ene into excesses of meney spend.
ing. Dress suits have the same effect on some people. The one I bought
when Luella and | were marrvied, and whieh I still have, has led me inte
many foollsh investmonts, 1t sort of Isis me above my statlon in e,
and 1 don"t come down apain untfl I am in my old business suit nest
morning. It len't the original cost of the dress sult that counts, but the
upkeep. Good stationery and dress sults eseate the merale necessary to
got on (n secloty on 85,000 a year.
1 often think of Unele Russell SBage and his baggy trousers and his
snuff-colored business eoat. Also 1 often cogltate upon the fact that the
only lettar 1 ever vecelved from a milllonaire was witten on the back
of an old envelope with'a lead pencil. Milllonaires beccine s 0 not so
much by what they do, as by what they do not do.
1 eould not deny the faot that our new stationery had its msidious
effoet upon the embattled dowagers whepm we hoped to cultivate. Slowly
weo seeped inte soclety, and when our name was first maentioned n the
pubMe prints it looked not so bad--not BO bad.
1 found that Luella was right in stating that the $5,000 a year would
not make so mueh difference. Our $5,000 a year didn't weem to make
anv more nolse than a $lO bill drupping on a velvet carpel i the house
ALL WELL!
I was in a volunteer camp, and
the offloer who was going the
rounds omne night nrflmtly came
ACrOoss A New rearuit on sentry -go
for the first time:
“Now, mind you, let no one go by
without chalienging him,” he cau
Getting on in Society on $5,000 a Year & Roy k. Mouton
‘ iy
[,77 el
19 .
TR
\ * e
l“ /
';;:’-! . ll
':.:\
X, i . SLEEP AND
fi\ . Drops ket
tioned the man,
“That's all right, sir" said the
fresth one. “The slightest noise
wakes me!®
THEIR DESTINATION.
“Do you know whera littie boys
g 0 when they smeoke?™
“Yes, up an alley.”
Il SR ||5H
CATCLHES THE ,a\\
EARLY RATTLER
FOR SHRIMRUILLE
!
SHRIMPviILLE :
My
§ HAT
O Wfil\/ :
WIS g /\éums WIS
Q‘_"H? -
B ow!!
. 1| 2
o S )\
N AW \ N . 4
ocopl A’(\ b¥ N
next door. Back In the days of the Pilgrim Fathers we presume $5,000 a
year was considered quite some money, but the more our civilization has
progressed the more we have learned about currency, and what it will
not do. It was Laella’s diplomacy and our middle name that gave us our
present proud position In soclety—not the $56,000 a year at all.
We found that the apartment house landlords had done much to make
the world safe for $5,000-a-year society. It was our good fortune to land
immediately in the Stratford Arms. The name carried much vel:llt.
The James Frothingham Binks's did not Mve in the Stratford Arms, but
in the Buckingham, just across the street. The naming of apartment
houses is a fine art, and, looking at some landlords, we wonder how they
do It. For instance, there is nothing about our own landlord which
smacks of Shakespears, or, in fact, of any English author, and we have
often been led to doubt that he knows whether Shaw is a writer or an
exclamation, but by some cunning inspiration he named his apartment
house the Stratford Arms, and it is the Mecoa of people who have middle
names.
We ocannot but fesl that our gocial progress would have been con
siderably deterred if we had been unwise enough to have moved into a
house named The Finnegan or The MoGinnis, It is so much pleasanter
to hear people say, “Oh, yes. They Itve in The Tuilleres,” or, “They have
a perfectly elegant apartment in The Fontalnbleau.” Luella and I know
& young couple who come of gpod families and who have not only ¢85,000
a year, but $3,000 a year, and an uncle in Btandard Ofl who has a form
of rheumatism that will get him inside of two years, and they have not
been able to turn a wheael In our set for the reason that their stationery
bears the name of “The Tubbs Terrace”
In our advice to beginners we would say that the shortest out to
social preferment Iles in the entertainment of distingnished persons,
Tuella and I received our first tip in this matter when the James
Frothingham Binks's entertained a celebrated poet from India, with a
name 1 have never been ahle to remember, and that I had never heard
before, He wore a lavender kimona and recited things. 1 will not say
that he was an exPullman porter, hecause | never say mean things,
One ean accomplish just as mueh by Innuvendo,
However, the very next week Luella and | entertained a eelebrated
poetess of passion from the West. We had learned that if, at the fateful
sero hour, when you go over the soaial tap, you ean take a distinguished
person with you, your hattle s won, This girl, an old friend of Luella‘s,
passed through the erdeal nobly and reeited half the American Anthology
the first evening, She had never had anything published, but had hapeas,
We followed this up almost immediately by Introducing Luella's
Unele Heetor, also from the Far West, Uncle Hector was a prominent
patnter. We did not think it neceasary to say exactly what he palnted,
and ne one in eur get was undiplomatio enough to ask,
Unele Heotar had a distressing way of turning the cenversation in
the direction of hogs, and we were ohliged to explain that the walsing of
faney swine was a hobby of wnele's, a sort of gide line, as It were, Hon.
esty prompts me te say that gpe far as Old Muasters were eomcerned, |
dan"t believe Unele Heetor eould have told a genuine Rubensteln from an
imisation Van Winkle, but 1 do know personally that when he was a
younger man he painted some of the best houses in Kansas Ofty,
Others in our set have entertained famous peets, actors, engineers,
soldiers and copper kings, and we have never had a eatasthrope. The
ethics are always closely ebserved and distinguishod guests are never
given the third degrea,
I have endeavared to be frank. An apen confession is good for the
soul, if a man who s getting on In soeloty on $5,000 a year can be said
to have a soul. I will state candidly that it can be dane. The grade can
be made on the sum nominated in the bond, but not without a struggle,
It is not the sort of life 0 be entered upon lightly,
THE DIFFERENCE.
(Lines to a Rival Poet)
Your meter's not as good as mine.
Your rhythm's rather rotien;
Your joke is just the final line,
Your style is soon forgotten,
Your scansion isn't up to much,
Your subject's often tame;
By TAD
Registered U. 8. Patent Office,
! Your verses lack poetic touch,
Your )it s often lame.
| Lest you should think I mesn to
‘ boast,
Il finish off my rhyme—
; Then send mine back--veturn of
post-—
. And print yours every time,
e
Natty Natatorials
and Naughty
Ones.
LOTHES do not make the man
C and yet a bathing suit may
unmake him both in the sens<
of physkal impression and in &
legal way. Motropollun haber~
dashers who are about to advertise
the usual cotton, wool and flannel
bathing fabrics should, in justice to
their customers, provide each pur
chaser with sartorial regulations as
they are applied to the beaches.
A man may be the glass of bathx
ing suit fashion at Long Beach and
no less than a law-breaker at.
Brighton. What would be halled
as a three-base costumic hit at Sea
Gate conceivably might be scored
in the error column at Rye. Bo
much depends upon where one is as
to the difference between natty
natatorials and naughty ones.
Ever since bathing suits began to
feel the Palm Beach and Winter
Garden urge, town, village and
hamlet elective fathers have beem
hard put to define a moral bathing
guit. Nor have they reached any
thing like a unanimous agreement,
Consequently red-faced , policemen
who, om blisteringly sunny days,
gseem to be in danger of melting
completely away, have been foroced
to parade the beaches, singling out
and tapping with thetr night-and
day sticks the more sartorially dam
ing. A repeated major offense om
the part of a male, such as weam
ing the uppers tucked mto the lowm
ers, has often led to an arresty
Much depends on the copper.
- Women are generally the mors
chronic offenders. While ouz
beaches will soon offer testimony
that a woman bather may safely
commit assault and battery against
the primary colors and their wark
ants she cannot go bare legged or
lu “one.piece”—that is unless she
is known to the patrolman to have
an amateur or professional swimw
ming reputation.
It is unalterabty the opinion of
bathers that the village fathers who
throw up these legal bulwarks
against the dangers of batliing suly
Immorality do not know what they
are legislating about. However uns
impeachably moral it ‘may be to
wear the skirt of a bathing suft
over the trousers, the fact remaina
that a combination thus worn of
fers very little protection te the
bather’s back.
Sand {s surprisingly migratory
and Inquisitive. It is nothing for
a pint of it to make a grand balk
room out of a bather’s spinal
column, and if it likes the place it
may invariably be counted upon to
wear out its welcome—partrcularly
it it 18 wet sand.
Tucking in the bathing suit shirt
offers a semi-sandproof defenso
against the peripatetic drifts and
their holiday followers, but that
means nothing to a village alder
rman. He is generally of the opin
fon that bathing suits will always
be more or less immoral until they
are equipped with patent, non
breakable buttons and a palr of
leather suspenders.
In Callfornia they have attempt
ed to solve the matter of gwinmming
facility and aguatic morals by pro
viding men with one-plece ler
equipped with & sort of skirt.\
These are not half so astonishing
to behold as to be told about, and
a flea is foreed to carry a pair of
scissors or a jackknife along with
him if he hopes to get on anything
like Intimate terms with a Loe
Angeles bather. The ability of the
California flea to carry a:pair of
shears or a bone-handled knife need
not be doubted. A flea with aver
aze muscles from the south of Cali~
fornia could walk off with a hard
ware store on his shouldars ‘and
think MNttle of it.
In Missour! there are fewer re
striotlona, Virtoally the only re
straint placed upen the petential
bather fa the celor of the Missls
#lppl. Mark Twain spins remantie
yarns of rivermen who used te
swim “the Father of Waters™ The
river has never seemed to have
gotten over it
Bo bathing suft restrietions are
more or less unnecossary there,
They have an annuval tenanile swim
at 8t Louls under the ansploes of
the Missouri Athletio Association,
When the eompetitors line up on
the raft for the start they weas
bathing trunks, but after they dive
off they leave everything to the
yellow waters of the Missldsippl,
A# the metropalitan bathing ses
son is about to open It might be
well for the various town fathers
in various townships te get toe
rether on the matter of univew
sally Jegal bathing elothes. Pose
sibly they would never be unank
mous on anything short of & dtv-q
suit
BUDDING KNOWLEDGE.
“My dear Mra. Croesus, may T not
put your name down for, tickeis Q
Professor Pundit's course of lecs
tures on Buddhiem?* :
“Oh, by all meam! You know
how passionately fond 1 am ¢f
flowers.” ' -