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Coffee and Cakes
. By C. B. Quincy
Greenroom Local Ne. 1. \
H, the ingenue had eyes of blue,
O As big around as platters;
And the villain sfi., who smoked 2 cig,
Had the crowd as mad as hatters.
With phoney smile and cunning wile
He'd lured her into peril:
“Alone at night, I've got you right,
And now you'rs mine, me girril!”
- “Unhand me, sir; you're but a cur,
Thus to address a flapper!”
He lifts his mitt (I'll bet a Jit
The skunk is going to slap her).
Mame and her chum forget their gum
And gaze In chewless wonder—
A raucous shout! “Down props! Walk out!”
The cast has struck, dy thunder!
. * -
Ad of small safe for private house says it affords “security for your
eilks, wines, jewelry, lingerie, beverages and other articles of real value.”
We don’t care so much for the silks, jewelry and lingerie, but otherwise
iU's a sensible list.
. . .
Westfield, N. J—Semi-country house for sale
Should be just the thing for a semi-commu:¢
- . -
Broadwayite with slight zigzag told a taxi driver to drive him around
the world. A few years from now if the young man gives the same order
to ap air-taxi the driver is likely to take him at his word.
R . .
- Machinery in the Home.
(From the Voters' Home Tipster.)
enious devices for saving labor in the home nave recently
been putented ~
POTATO PEELER—A three-ton tractor will furnish ample power for
this useful machine, which has a capacity of five potatoes a day. A sta
tionary engineer should be employed to run the peeler, although the
bouseholder is likely to find the engineer more transient than stationary.
PANCAKE FLATTENER-—Nohing {s more annoying than bumpy
pancakes, which will not lie flat on the plate. This handy little Pancake
Flattener will punch the most stubborn pancake {hto submission in ten
minutes. The machine can also be used for turning codfish into flounders
. er driving spikes into concrete.
SBAUCE MIXER—A boon in Summer. Will mix salad dressing to
perfection, and, being constructed of cast-irof on a granite base, should,
¥t properly cared for, last several seascns. With the aid of an inex
pensive attachment the Sauce Mixer may be adapted for mixing mortar,
dates and metaphors.
s * ®
It will make a lot of citizens awful mad to learn that the Republicaa
managers won’'t accept more than SI,OOO from any one subscriber.
. . -
The Four Seasons.
Fall, Winter, Spring, Simmar.
* . .
In Portugal mall carriers deliver letters in church, thereby saving
themselves & lot of walking. Perhaps Mr. Burleson could be persuaded
to try this plan with telegrams.
. . .
. Lady writer deplores the rudeness of English prospectors in striking
ofl of purer quality than that found in Texas. She thinks persons are
swiully crude if their ofl {sm't.
A-. - '
Telegram says “delegation of Letts want Lettonia separated from
Ruseia.” Their national motto is, “Letts go!*
. . .
The Plunger.
He is
Sore as a boll; .
He
Fell for ofl.
. kS -
Authorities are trying to make Mexicans wear their pants when doing
s pasear on the main street, but the peons counsider it vulgar to flaunt
their wealth in publie
. . -
Canadian explorer says that cows if kept ia the North will grow
eoats of fur. And supply ice cream?
/
.
On the Sick List
Bolshevism is a disease.—General Hugh L. Seott.
W, Russla—(Speetal Dispatch).—The epldemic of Bolshevism
here is rapidly approaching a ecrisis, and dectors scarcely are
able to cope with\the sftuation. The authorities have rmun short
dnlmnnommmdnnmnumhmm.m.
In the poorer sections of the cfty conditions are most serious. One
man, who has been in a critioal condition with double Bolshevism, es
caped from his nurse and ran through the strests in Mis red flannels.
Another victim of this dread malady tried to turn hie family into a
Soviet and seriously injured his wife and motherin-law.
Oumn.vhoumomctodtoncovn.mfouddoflugnd
fiag. He was placed In an isolation hospital, and a technical charge of
chowing the rag was placed against him. His case is complicated by the
fact that the flag was not made of fast-color dye.
Dr. Treatemkindsky, who has made a thorough study of the disease,
says that fts course cannot be chacked without a nation-wide campaign
of mental fumigation. Bmall capsules of gray matter are being distributed
o some of the lighter cases, and in a few instances hopes are held out
for recovery of the viotims. But the majority of cases of acute Bolshe
vism, accompanted by imbecilitls and inflarnmation of the ego, are re
sulting fatally. One cure which has aroused mmuch attention, and which
may lead to the discovery of an effective means of stopping the spread
of the epidemic, resulted from liberal applications of gunpowder to the
affectad parts. This treatment lod to a speedy recovery. (At any rate,
there was no question about the speed.)
Dra. Lenin and Trotsky, who have assumed oharge of the situation,
express themselves as hopeful. In a bullatin issued at midnight they said:
“Everything—and everybody -is being dome., The peoplo are re
quested to observe the following simple rules in this emergency:
“Sleep with your door unlocked and your mouth shut
“Eat little or nothing.
‘Avold sudden exposure, such as stepping into a bathtub
“"Be cheerful; be noodwinked; be darned I BT, 184"
COURT JESTERS.
“Does any king at the present
time keep a court Jester?” |
CHOICE BITS OF WIT EVERY DAY IN THE ATLANTA GEORGIAN
“No, dear lady. Nevertheless,
these are times when monarchs
have to keep thelr wits about them.
HEARST'S SUNDAY AMERICAN — A Newspaper for People Who Think — SUNDAY, JUNE 15, 1919,
; *JUAR® 1S AMONGST US,
E 7 A JUANE* MOST WOANDARIL
= S OF MOATAS -
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> By AND BRIDE BRoOMS
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THE REAL GOODS.
The cabby was brought before
the magistrate for using violent
language to a lady.
“But she ain’t no Mdy,” he pro
tested fiercely,
“Indeed!” sald his worship, and
do you know a lady when you see
one?
“Of course I do,” Indignantly an
swered the man. “Why, only the
other day I saw aene. She gave me
a pound note for a shilling fare and
walked away. “I mum,’ I ealled,
‘what abart yer change?” ‘Don't be
a blinkin' old fool,’ says she, ‘keep
it, and git drunk enough to kiss yer
mother-in-law.' Now, your wor
ship,” he ended triumphantly,
“that's what 1 calls a real lidy.”
EVERYTHING PROVIDED,
The evangelist was entreating his
hearers to flee from the wrath to
come,
“1 warn you,” he sald, “there will
be weeping and wailing and gnash
ing of teeth”
“Kir.” ghe interrupted, “1 have no
teeth.”
“Madam,” sald the evangelist
sternly, “teeth will be provided.”
Krazy Kat By Herrilian
Beauty
s BFAUTEOUS malden is my
A Grace,
Her cheek 18 l'ke thu rose,
And wi.en | kiss her lovely face
[ get a bright red nose,
And when I plant upon her lips
A small salnte and chaste,
The lip-stick that she uses leaves
An unromantic tuste. .
Iflove ia going to keep right on,
There's one thing that 1 hope,
Aad that is that the drug store folks
will 7hnnl» their brand of dope.
For every time | kiss my girl
And add some cheerful hugs,
1 swallow, in uy boundless joy,
Nine different kinds of drugs.
S 0 mine is but a sorry lot,
And mournful is my place,
I must become a drugfiend just
Just to kiss my darling’s face.
And when my friends walk slow
behind f
This stark and rigid frame,
And scatter flowers upon my bler,
Just say that I died game.
/7AND WDDAN |GO To SEE
GOBST THEE | ‘lgA/ATZ &ng
HOM |~ CALL
» “Z';) NBEE‘B’;;PQL HUSBAND -
. ‘TRAZY
Mrs MICE"
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‘A Few Undiplomatic Notes
UT, 1f they do place the ban on tobacco, we can
B keep right on smoking the kind of cigars we
have been getting siuce the war started.
Arry Awker demonstrated how a hero can trans
forin himself into a zero in a three-minute banquet
speech. o
To build a modern super-dreadnought, it would take
& good many cigar coupons, but we haven't figured
out just how many.
Colonel House never has anything to say. And it
s just barely possible that he really hasn't anything
to say. & .
T L
With Germany the old dotted line has taken the
place of the Hindenburg line.
It .all .the asparagus grown in this country in one
year we\, laid end to end, it would reach from Chi
cago to some other town,
There is hardly anybody who eannot remember two
or three of those original fourteen poipts,
The season for indoor tan will end on June 30 this
year,
AND WHAT A IT WAS IAJ JUAE
NMARYILLIS TIME THAT HE
T & 100 - DOUSHT
~TO \SEEK A ME. - ///,
HUSBAND — £144
“‘:;&\ A
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Cs e NS, ~ m.é& TSR
One editor wants to know if women are Inferior to
men. To decide that question, the editor should get
married.
The ice famine for this SBummer having been ao
ceJ;tod as a fact, 1t i# now time to begin worrying
about next Winter's coal famine,
e :
It s sald ghat very soon “hops across the ocean
will be common.” Perhaps, but they won't be com
mon here after July 1,
It is hard to belleve that civilization is advancing
when we read that a gentus out in Ohlo has Invented
& new Winter onfon.
One proprietor of a chain restaurant has labelled
his place “The Hat and Overcoat Exchange”
Never hear anybody mention the Ultimate Con
sumer any more. The poor old bloke has probably
" peased away,
If Lloyd George has missed anything that England
needs dug:g the course of the conference ne will
_‘pmblbly k for it later.
“JUNE" IT WAS WHEA
JOE STORKC ™ PROVEMT To
ME “THESE ,My
~N VEWE(S -
(/o]
O b g
A /fi'fl’ e ".’,‘?:f
» . .
Cupid’s Tips
HE osculatory exchange e
T brisk. “
Park benches preferred Ia
up several points, Favorabie
weather conditions are belleved tg
nave had something to do with ths
rise.
There 1s & marked upward trend
in the solitaire market, with pleaty *
of takers.
Byron lis extensively quoted
the amatory exchange.
Ministers are profiting with the
upward swing of the matrimonial
market.
Porch swings and hammocks are
way above par, and a number of
young men have gone to “pa” In
some instances pa has shown a
bullish tendency, resulting in &
slump on the curb, .
Plenics, common and preferred,
are being rapidly oversubscribed.
3E