Newspaper Page Text
Sizing the
ing Up th
'Cosmic Urge
4 R. ERASMUS W. Momiller,
M of Indiana, evolved a splen
did idea to bring about the
- pleasant consummation known as
. Docoming very wealthy. In his odd
moments, having July 1 in mind,
. he sat down and composed o
pocket handbook containing one
thousand cheap and sure methods
of distilling lignor at home. He
oontracted with the village printer
to have these published by the hun
dred thousand, and sat back to
walit for the wealth to pour in, Then
he read a report in the newspaper to
the effect that a bill had been in
troduced in Congress and would
be passed, providing & severe pen
alty for circulating formulas for
making booze at home, also for
baving such formulas in one's
possession. Mr. Homiller has gone
back to his job driving the road
scraper for the township.
A fire broke out in the harness
shop of leonard J. Frisby, of
Peebles, the other evening, &t a
wvery unfortumate time. All the
members of the fire department
were enjoying the picture at the
Elite Theatre at the time. They
did not know about the fire until
% wes well under way and the
smoke began coming into the the
stre. Then one of their members
went to ring the fire bell at the
hose house while the others has
tened home to get their uniforms
on. Most of them had returned in
their uniforms ineide of thirty min
utes when the hose wagon was
pulled out and taken to the fire
The harness shop wue entirely cot
sumed but by great effort the de
partment succeeded in saving the
Commercial House next door by
placing a large hook over the wall
next to the fire and pulling it
down. The meat market next to
the hotel was saved, to the ap
parent disappointment of the large
crowd which had ccllected.
Mr. Lacius W. Proudfoot, the
well-known Invemtor, of Wee
hawken, evolved a new non-explo
sive gasoline to be used for the
purpose of cleaning gloves and
kid shoes, although of course, not
to be used in automobiles or gaso
line stoves. The gasoline was, ao
cording to the inventor, absolutely
barmless and would render the
coleaning of gloves a pleasure Im
stead of a peril In order to de
monstrate the doeflity of his In
vention, Mr. Proudfoot took s bar
rel of it into his wstudio and
dropped a lighted match into it
The funeral was held at the
church. Bome of the shingles of
his house are still fulling in neigh
boring townships.
Professor Jonas H. Witherspoon,
of Atterbury College, has ocompiled
& model constitution for a League
of Nations which he hopes to pre
sent to the proper suthorities. It
is a very brief draft, compared with
some others. He began reading it
to his class at the college at §
o'clock the other morning, and at
8 o’clock that evening he wag still
reading. He clalms that it covers
every conceivable point, siving all
the other nations everything they
want and America nothing, and is
in every way s prasseworthy paot
Mr Elmer Hicks snd Miss Pansy
Tibbitts, of Three Corners, were
leaning aguninst the railing of the
bridge across the river, and Mr
Hicks was asking Miss Tibbitts to
float scross the matrimonial seas
with him when the rafling broke and
they were precipitated into the an
gry waters below. Mr. Hicks swam
boldly to shore and saved Limself
and then gprang bas. irto the water
and swam back to save Ms flancee.
When Mr. Hicks reached her, the
Wh‘dboondmntfleenndwu
about to go down the third time
and had a large catfish under each
arm, having secured ons on each
trip down. Mr. Hicks is being con:
gratulated upon paving chosen a
wife who will probably save him
a good deal of money, if he can
prevall upon her to fall off the
bridge every night
tEALISM.
“I refuse to play Julius Caesar
tonight unless you get me an ade
quate mod.” gald the eminent tra
gedian,
“What do you mean by an ade-
Quate mob? asked the stage man
ager, with a dangerous gleam |n his
eye.
“Ahem! Tt should at least be
large enough to convince the audi
ence that Rome was a populous
eity and frequently had more than
three people on its streets at one
time.”
SOMETHING MISSING.
*Well, Mary, what did you think
of the picture at the exhibition?”
“Oh, sir, there was a ploture
F}M Two Doge After Landseer,’
t 1 15cked at it for 'arf an hour
®od couldn’t see no Landseer!”
el S I'D JUST LIKE Yo SE€
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HERE are many people who
I will not know just how to act
after national prohidbition
goes into effect. This is written to
school these people in the etiquette
of the soda fountain and soft drink
emporium so that their etiquette
will be what etiguette shounld be. It
is & sort of first ald te the booxe
wounded,
One of the most popular of the
soft drinks s an lce cream wsoda
In drinking your first lce cream
soda be sure to remember not to
blow the foam off the top of the
glass. The vollar on an lce cream
soda {s harmless and does not in
terfere with the drink. You drink
the foam from around the fce
cream, and if you are able to find
the lce cream you eat it with a
spoon, or a fork or your pocket
knife, whichever comes handiest
The flavoring In an ice cream soda
always finds its way to the bottom
and you are at Überty either to eat
HEARST’S SUNDAY AMERICAN — A Newspaper for People Who Think -— SUNDAY, JUNE 15, 1919,
it or leave 1t alone, You will be as
pappy in either instance,
A frappe 1s a bunch of ice cream
with whipped cream and a cherry.
The cherry in a frappe comes ou
top*and not st the bottom of the
glass, as you have been used to
having your cherries served. You
eat the cherry with a spoon and
not a toothpick, Eat the cherry
betfore you eat the drink. Most soft
drinks are eaten not drank. This
is something else you will have to
got used to.
When approaching s soda foun
taln watch your step. Never, un
der any circumstances, slap an.
other drinker on ¢he back and say:
“Hi old top? The other drinker
may be the mother of a large fam.
fly and she will resent such famil
farity.# NeitLer should you gaze
lachrimosely at the soda boy anl
say:
“Say, Jack, what do you think »f
the negyPolice Commissioner? Do
you kmow the boss dou't under
OH DEAR, HOW \ :
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Cold Turkey
stand me? He thinks I ought to be
working in the peanut department,
and here's me.the best machinist
that ever puddied a bow! of {ron.
If he don't get wise to the fact
pretty soon that I am the best man
on the job and raise my salary I'm
going to blow the works and leave
them without a good man to pass
the buck to. My wife says, ‘Jim, If
you don't give mu at Jeast twenty
outer your pext week's check I'm
going over to that soda fountuin
and drag you out by the neck, and
I told her If she did m'lxvo Sear
pinehed, and then | gave Ner a ten
spot and bought the kid & skid car
and now we're friends again.”
The idea is this: BSoft drinkers
are not in the habit of unloading
all their troubles on the man be
hind the counter, and If you un.
bosom yourself to a soda clerk ke
you have been used to bulling the
bar boy, you'll not only get thrown
out, but you are lable to land !n
the Bellevue psychopathic ward,
Copyright, 1810, by Bwar Company. Great Britain Righte Reserved.
Eddie’s Friends
By Roy A. Giles
which 1s where ali the nuts go that
dou't go into the sundaes.
Another pastime that you are not
supposed to indulge in at a sodd
fountain is that of buying everyono
within ear shot a fresh drink. If
you say, “Give ail the boys and girls
a drink on me,” the boys and girle
will think you are from the coua
try, and the soda boy will throw
you out and your generosity will
be wasted and your good offices
misunderstood. You can't get ay
quainted with people as easily at a
soda fountain as you could at the
fountain of perpetual youth and
good spirits,
Don't rush wildly into a soda
store and shout that it 1s your
birthday. and that you've got a roll
that's bigger than an elephant’s leg
and that you're going to spend un
til the Bub-Treasury gets out aa
injunction.
Thatused to be a good little
ufterdinner speech, It used teo
HUH T WHAT'S THAT
Y sAy EDDIET
" Do 1 WANT To HIRE
A FRENCH CHEF"T :
SURE, SEND HIM
RIGHT OVER.
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wake you more friends than the
man that hands out the jobs at the
National Capitol, but not after Ju'y
1. Nobody will give a whoop after
July 1 whether you are having a
birthday or not. You won't be able
to get a cheer out of a birthday
argument evea {f you were boran
triplets, and on the seventeenth of
March. Al the birthday steawn
which used to blow out the safety
valves of human enthusinsm will
dissipate and become nil at mid.
night on the day before the worst
which s yet to ocome actually
comes,
And just a word about motherin.
law. After July 1 you will no long
er be able to appease the old lady
with & ladle of egg nog or hot
Scotch. You'll have to begin agreoe
ing with her. You will have to
coincide with all she says and does,
and if she does not like celery phos
phate heaven alone can help you.
Remember you don't need any
chaser with a soda fountaln driak.
Don't ask for a plece of lemon pesl
or a clove to fool the family. Don’t
ask the soda boy to muddle the
mint. Soda fountain drinks dou™
muddle. You are just the same
after you took one as you were be
fore, only fatter.
Don’t go into a soda store and
stare at a table where the prettiest
girl sits, Don't ask the walter It
he can’'t horn you into her party,
Don't ask the walter to drink with
yvou. Don't start to sing. Don't
make any political speeches, Don't
do any solo dancing in the middle
of the place. Don’'t shout that yoa
can whip any man in the world an
der 200 pounds. Don't announce
that you used to play ball with the
Harlem Hokuspokuses. Don't hold
any long dialogues with your old
schoolmate, and domn't recite any
long monologues.
There are only two things that
you are‘used to doing that will be
last for you to do, erook your albow
and lay down yeur change, 3
' From Here
and There
Afratd.
A WOMAN went into the Ounmy
dian booking office to get 4
passage for her son, Who was abouf
to emigrate, and while the maa
was looking up the partioulars she
chanced to look vound, and notloed
in a glaes case s stuffed Cenadian
moose,
“What kind of sntmel s that?™
she inquired.
“Oh,” seid the man. “Thats &
Canadian moose.”
“Oh, if that's the case,” she sald,
“"1 have 'my money back. I
wouldn’t let my son go out there.
What must the rats be like!”
Inside Information.
“SAY, sonny,” asked the tramp of
the little boy playing in the
yard, “where does your father keep
his money?”
“In the kitchen, in the pocket of
an old vest,” replied the boy.
Two minutes later the tramp
emerged from the kitchen door
with great speed, looking terribly
battered,
“Sharp kid, that” he murmured,
as he picked himself up. “He
didn’t tell me his old man was in
the vest.”
He Could Share It
AMERICANS in England refuse
to have their spirits dampened
even by our climate.
The colonel of a regiment, mak
ing a night tour of a certain camp,
was challenged by a sentry who
had been standing at this post for
two hours in a driving rain.
“Who's there?” said the sentry.
“Friend!” replied his colomel.
“Welcome to our mist!” sald the
sentry.
There Were Others.
“SO our engagement is at am
end?” said the biond youth.
“It is certainly at an end,” re
plied the fickle brunette.
“l suppose you will return the
engagement ring?”
“l certainly will if you ecall
around some night and pick it
out.”
Meteoric.
DISSATISFIED HOUSEHOLDER
Do you mean to say that this
meter measures the amount of gas
we burn?
Gas Collector—l will enter into
no controversy, sir; but I may say
that the meter measures the
amount of gas you will have to pay
for.
Loyal to the Last.
“SO Casey was runnin’ me down
an’ ye stood up for me?”
“Oi did. Oi sez to him, ‘Casey,’
siz Oi, ‘'ve're honest an’ truthful an’
ye're no coward, an’ ye work hard
an’ pay yer dibts, an’ ye don't get
drunk an’ lick yer wolfe, but in
other respects ye're mo better than
Dolan!" ™
On the Safe Side. g
ALTHOUGH Tim and Pat were
known to be great friends, it
was remarked that one morning
they passed each other on the
street without speaking.
“Why, Tim,” queried a friend ia
astonishment, “have you and Past
quarreled ™
“Faith, we have not™ replisd
Tim, earnestly,
“There seemed to be s coolness
between you when you passed this
morning.”
“Well" expluined Tim, “that's
the way we're golug to hold owms
triendship.*
“I dont understand.” i
“Ye dont?! Wall thin % this
way. Pat an' me are that devoted
to wan another that we can't beas
Lacked Push,
“wm didn't you sand your man
to mend my electrie doos
bell, as you promised ™
“He dMd go, madam; but as he
rang three times and got no an
swer he concinded that there wae
nobody homae*
The Fuel Problem,
Mu REDD-~Where are we go.
Ing to stoprter lunch, dear?
Nr. Redd—Well, well hawe to
#op for gasoline fvet, and # i
depends wpon what they chasge in
that partioular town for gaseline
whether Rt will be warth while w
stop for lumoh or nod
Bewildering.
wrli-I short skints are vathew
bewlldering "
“Yes, R it safe any mew W
offer to take what you (hink & g
Wtle girl on your laps™