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- ' ' { RN Se e
HERE is one rule In mathe
I matics which nearly every
body in America believes in
and practises—
Viz.: “A beeline is the shortest
distance between two points.”
Personally, we've only come In
contact with a bee once. On that
oceasion, it wasn't the bee, but us,
In at the Finish, i
ABKITT-—WM! & long neck Mlll’
Lanky has. Did you ever se»
ber In a low-cut costume?
Tellitt-~Yes. Once.
Askitt—What did she look like?
Tellitt-<Bhe looked as though har
dressmaker had her skianed a mila, ‘
Doing & Man's Part, !
IOWHAT are you doing for our
cause?” asked a suffragetie!
worker, ,
“Doing?"* replied the man "l’m,
supporting one of your most en
thusiastic members.” '
pugh on Your Way From Work Over d Page of Fun Every Evening in The Atlanta Georgian
Krazy Kat
Short Cuts
that made the beedine. And there
was no doubt about it being the
shortest distance Dbetween two
points—one of the two points being
the bee’'s, and the other being the
beoveedee's.
Nothing is more popular with the
average individual, however, than
the beeline; that 1a to say, the
short cut. If a landscape gardener
lays an artistic winding path, every
one ignores it and cuts across the
grags, Every vacant lot has a well
defined diagonal, Every public park
has grooves to prove that the man
who lald out the pavements was all
wrong.
Jln education, ]l you have to do
fs announce a short cut to some
thing or other, and folks will flaek
to try it. A man who has spent
thirty years with the English lan.
guage and still murders it, about
five times a day, will expect to
master Freuch in five lessons.
A woman who bangs her halr
AEARST’S SUNDAY 'AMERICAN — A Newspaper for People Who Think — SUNDAY, AUGUST 31, 1919.
every night and her plano every |
morning will grad a short cut and |
expect to sit on Paderewski's ltool.i
now that Paderewskli has gone into
Polish polities. !
Another woman with & ltl‘l\ld\t-%
up-and-down silhouvette expects, af-|
ter taking three development exer- |
clses, to be qualified to step hmp!
Annette Kellermann's shoes—or |
tights, i
A man who has spent ten ynn\‘
losing his hatr hopes to restore the |
crop with ten applicatious to his
glistening dome.
You can become a millionaire in
your spare time, i you ecan just
gpare enough, and a rich romlvoi
leaves you $999.909 when he dies,
You can become an artistic Bo—,
hemian, If you take a short cut to
Greenwich Village and avoid a hnir‘
ont. s
You can enjoy a fashionable oper
ation {f you will go the hospital
and let the doctors make a short
cut to your appendix. ‘
By Herriman
SRR 177/ 77T~ ;
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ARD Aow, Lo WELL VPO THE WIZARD Ry . .. g /
OF “THE MASTER. & “TIME, TIDE,AOR. MAN Sy
CAN AENAER. MAR ,AOR. SCAR. IT'S
ADAMANTAE. BEAUYY = |1 1S A %a ~
NYONUVMEAT IMMORTAL , AND E AL o e -
Hot Weather Friends---Camera Crazy
NE of the most dlscouraging
O things about Summer is the
person who has & camera
and a fixed purpose. You can never
put mueh cenfidence In just what
the camera will do for you, but
you can always count on the per
son's fixed purpose getting you in
the end. In fact, that's just what
hig fixed purpose is—to get you in
the end. 4
The tactics of a camera manipu
lator are rather slmple when you
come to analyze them, but they are
none the less deadly. Usually his
plan Is to torture you for from five
to ten minutes, and then when he
gots vou ilnto the pesition where
the effects of the torture are most
pronopnced he snaps you. And
ever afterward he has the evidence
against you.
These camera persons are car.
ried along in every known kind of
pienfe, outing, excursion or house
party. When you first meet them
P % Po&-BME AIS HIDE-,
ey |- BET AGANST HM,
N/ e, 37 -
.flm AMAY THE EIEADS
AS, (SEND HIM , TTHE
gL |} Low CREATURE.
SRy
a 8
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& IS ONE AMNONG THEM
%mgo V§§&;AD§§&EWQ%7H WITH WRATH,
O
PICTY aé"z%"sssffis?s%'& gILE)\JCE/ o
it Is dlmcul.t to detect their true
purpose in life. They appear nor
mal, they talk Intelligently upon
general topfos and they seem to
have good standing in the com
munity,
fiut just when the party has
reached what we sometimes ecall
the apex of enjoyment this camora
person suddenly disappears from
the group, only to «eturn in a few
moments with the fatal black box
in. his hand. Then you see the
flend In his true colors——but it is
too Mte.
The camera owner hunts around
until he finds a spot where the sun
{s brightest, and then he manipu
lates the various members of the
party into position, making certain
that the sun will shine directly
into the eyes of cvery omne con
cerned.
He fnspects the assortment ot
humanity through the lens for a
T G e .. W
moment and then begins to mako)
suggestions to improve the en|
semble, One person is told to
smile, another to take off his hat,
another to take off his glasses, an
other to cross hls legs, another to;
put his arm around so-and-so, an-|
other to squat tailor-fashion, m-'
other to close his mouth and ln-|
other to take the cigarette out of!
his mouth, Genarally -pnklna.f
this process varies inversely with)
the size of the camera; that is to |
say, the smaller the camera the
greater the agony. t
At last, however, the stage di.
rector fas exhausted his rnou*cml
and presses with his trigger finger|
upon the lever which completes the
operation, .
A week later he sonds yon a
print of the damage. Every one in
the group looks terrible, but there |
is one who looks positively ln-‘
human. That's you.
The Weekly Cruise of
the Good Ship New
By J. J. Leibson ] :
HE powwow for a world-wide peaco
Left Europe far from restful;
Those Bolshevistic birdd merease—
Just now they're quite a nest full
And Wilson’s labyrinthine League,
With all its luring mazes,
& Reveals the lairs
Ot deadly snares, )
Despite his pretty phrases.
The striking sepirit’s everywhere,;
It struck the pilots of the alr, ‘
The railroads and the factories,
The theatres and actor-les.
The German Prince denies reports
Of plans to deal In pottery;
And high finance 3
In thrifty France
‘Wil float & loan by lottery.
_ Bgyptian princess seeks a man
From those of Uncle Sammy's clan,
And China’s fear of shrewd Japan
- Is growing. £
Virginia boaste a talking henj
Rumania’s training fighting men;
And cheaper ice 13 promised-—when
It's snowing. G
The Greaser. in the light agaln,
Is spoiling for a fight again.
s The Germans’ raid
On Chile’s trade
Is just a scheme to knife ns, -
Kid Kun, the battling Bolshevik,
Is running from the Allles’ stick;
And they in Omsk,
3 / i Tobolsk and Tomsk .
g Are dying of the typhus.
3 Commission finds that living’s high;
But lays the blame on those who buy %
For letting profiteering pi- ?
Rates bleed ‘em.
And in a southern calaboosge
They turned a cage of jailbirds loose;
It cost the warden like the deuce 4
To feed 'eml
From the Diary
of a Plain Man
T has always been a wonder to
I me that some kind angel does
not come along and hit a man
in the head with an ax before he
does some certain things, thus sav
ing him a lot of suffering after
ward,
I declined the honor with great
finality when the committee came
and asked me to be toastmaster at
the church banquet, but commit
tees have a way about them that
can hardly be denled. The mem
bers told me, collectively and in
dividually, that I was the only man
in the entire city who could do the
job all up in plnk baby ribbon and
dellver the goods. They sald more
pice things about me, right to my
face, than a Congressman can say
about himself in the Congressional
Directory. They spoke of my ap
pearance, my prominence in the
city and my fine shape and my
pleasant yet torceful voice. Ten
minute before 1 had not had any
more idea of becoming a toast
master than I had of driving a
team of goats through the main
business thoroughfare of Bagdad
on & moonlight night with my hair
in a braid and a pink parasol over
my head, but I fell. Adam did, and
Adam was ome of my ancestors.
During the ten days which were
supposed to elapse between that
time and the banquet I had no de
sire for food of any kind and I be
came morose and melancholy. I
couldn’t sleep more than two hours
of a night and I lost weight so fast
that my physlclan shook his head
and advised a sanitariump where
the rates are $8 a day and upward.
I had a plain case of buck fever
and longed to disappear and go to
some foreign country and resume
business under an assumed name,
I was in a blue funk and 1 wrote
that speech over nire times. When
I read it to my wife the last time
she sald It sounded worse than
when I read it to her the first time.
She sald it was about as humorous
as Mare Antony's funeral oration
over the body of Cesar. BShe ad
vised me to copy one out of a book,
and 1 did, sitting up all night three
aights for that purpuse. 1 got so
I eould rattle it off with about as
much feeling as a waitress orders
roast beet and brown gravy or
roast pork and apple sauce.in a
country hotel,
I found myself repeating snatehes
of that speech st all hours of the
day. I tried it on every one in our
office building, and the only one I
got a laugh from was the janitor's
wife, and she sald she laughed be
cause | looked so funny when I
was delivering the plece.
The morning of the banguet
dawned and found me with un.
closed eyes. It was this morning,
to be exact. I had grated between
chills and burning fevers all night
and my nervous system was as
much of a wreck as a railroad that
has been juggled on the stock mar
ket for nineteen years.
1 crawled to my office this morm
ing in a state of utter coilapse. I
had not Leen go !l In twenty years.
When the committee burst In
upon me at 10 o'clock I was ready
to call the ambulance and deliver
mysel! over to the authorities at
the insane hospital.
“We are very sorry,” sald the
committee, “but the banquet has
been postponed lindefinitely, The
advance sale of tickets was so
small that we have abandoned the
scheme entirely. Some other time,
perhaps, but not now.”
1 hugged those three men. I jab
bered like an insane chimpanzee
and I slopped over with exceeding
great joy. The committee looked
at me askance and departed sud
denly. Tonight 1 leave for the
sanitarium. Anybody who comes
to talk banquet aith me in the
future would better bring a shot
gun or he will play the star part
in a henious crime of which I will
be the perpetrator.
The Heartless Corporations.
AN official of a New York life in
surance assoclation tells of an
incident that came within the ex
perience of one of that company's
adjusters,
A small policy was due a woman
by reason of her husband’'s death.
As there were certain formalities
of an unusual sort connected with
this case, the adjuster called !n
person upon the widow to hand
over the sum due. When these for
malities had been met and the
money had been paid, the agent
took occasion to say:
“l am very sorry to hear of your
misfortune, madam.”
Whereupon the woman's eyes
flashed, and she responded:
“Ain't that Jest lilke you Insur
ance men! You're all the same-—
always sorry when a poor woman
gets a chance at a little money!”™