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HERE s one rule in mathe
| matics which nearly every
body in America believes in
and practises—
Vis.: “A beeline is the shortest
distance between two points.”
Personally, we've only come in
contact with a bee once. On that
occasion, it wasn't the bee, but us,
e —————————————————————"
In at the Finish, \[
Asurrr—wm & long neck Mlu.
Lanky has. Did you ever ses
her in a low-cut costume?
Tellitt—Yes. Once.
Askitt—What did she look like?
Tellitt—Bhe looked as though har
dressmaker had her skinned a mu..!
Doing & Man's Part, i
“W'HAT are you doing for our,
cause? asked a wullragette
worker,
“Doing?" replled the man. “I'm
supporting one of your most en.
thusiastic members.”
taugh on Your Way From Work Over a Page of Fun Every Evening in The Atlanta Georgian ;.
Krazy Kat
Short Cuts
that made the beeline. And there
was no doubt about it being the
shortest distance between two
points—one of the two points being
the bee's, and the other being the
beeveedee's.
Nothing is more popular with the
average individual, however, than
the beedine; that is to say, the
short cut. If a landscape gardener
lays an artistic winding path, every
one ignores it and cuts across the
grass, Every vacant lot has a well
defined diagonal. Every public park
has grooves to prove that the man
who lafd out the pavements was all
wrong.
In education, all you have to do
fs announce a short cut to some
thing or other, and folks will flock
to try it. A man who has spent
thirty vears with the English lan
guage and still murders it, about
five times a day, will expect to
master French in five lessons,
A woman who bangs her hair
HEARST'S SUNDAY AMIRICAN — A Newspaper for People Whe Think — S['.\'UAY,’ 7A‘7£EE'SAT 31, 1919
every night and her plano every
morning will grab a short cut and
expect to sit on Paderewski's stool,
now that Paderewski has gone into
Polish politics,
Another woman with a stralght
up-and-down silhouette expects, af
ter taking three development exer
cises, to be qualified to step Into
Annette Kellermann's shoes—or
tights.
A man who has spent ten years
losing his halir hopes to restore the
crop with ten applications to his
glistening dome,
You can become a millionaire in
your spare time, if you can just|
spare enough, and a rich relative
leaves you $999,999 when he dles, -
You can become an artistic Bo
hemian, If yéu take a short cut to
Greenwich Village and avoid a hair
cut.
You can enjoy a fashionable oper
ation if you will go the hospital
and let the doctors make a shert
cut to your appendix, I
By Herriman
Hot Weather Friends---Camera Crazy
NE of the most discouraging
O things about Summer is the
person who has a camera
and a fixed purpose. You can never
put much confidence in just what
the camera will do for you, but
you can always count on the per
son’s fixed purpose getting you in
the end. In fact, that's just what
his fixed purpose is—to get you in
the end.
The tactics of a camera manipu
lator are rather simple when you
come to analyze them, but they are
none the less deadly. Usually his
plan s to torture you for from five
to ten minutes, and then when he
gets vou into the position where
the effects of the torture are most
pronounced he snaps you. And
ever afterward he has the evidence
against you.
These camera persons are car
ried along in every known kind of
pienie, outing, excursion or house
party. When*you first meet them
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HOWEVER “THERE (S ONE AMONG THEM
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it is difficult to detect their true
purpose in life. They appear nor
mal, they talk intelligently upon
general topics and they seem to
have good standing in the com
munity. .
But just when the party has
reached what we sometimes call
the apex of enjoyment this camera
person suddenly disappears from
the group, only to return in a few
moments with the {atal black box
in his hand. Then you see the
flend in his true colors--but it is
too late.
The camera owner hunts aroynd
until he finds a spot where the sun
{s brightest, and then he manipu
lates the various members of the
party into position, making certain
that the sun will shine directly
into the eyes of every one con
cerned.
He inspects the assortment of
humanity through the lens for a
moment and then begins to make
suggestions ¢to improve the en
semble. One person is told to
smile, another to take off his hat,
another to take off his glasses, an
other to cross his legs, another to
put his arm around so-and-so, an
other to squat tailorfashion, an
other to close his mouth and an
other to take the cigarette out of
his* mouth., Generally speaking,
this process varies inversely with
the size of the camera; that is to
say, the smaller the camera the
greater the agony.
At last, however, the stage di
rector has exhausted his resources
and presses with his trigger finger
upon the lever which completes the
operation. & .
A week later he sends you a
print of the damage. Every one in
the group looks terrible, but there
fa one who looks positively in
human, That's you.
The Weekly Cruise of
th ip News
e Good Ship N
o By J. J. Leibson j
HE powwow for & world-wide peace ]
T Left Europe far from restful; /
Those Bolshevistic birds increase— /
Just now they’re quite a nest full.
And Wilson’s labyrinthine League,
With all its luring mazes,
Reveals the lalrs
' Of deadly snares,
; Despite his pretty phrases.
The striking spirit’s everywhere;
1t struck the pilots of the alr,
The railroads and the factories, 5
"The theatres and actor-es.
The German Prince denies reports
Of plans to deal in pottery;
And high finance ‘
In thrifty France :
Will float a loan by lottery.
S
Egyptian princess seeks a man
From those of Uncle Sammy’s clan,
And China’s fear of shrewd Japan
Is growing.
Virginia boasts a talking hens '
Rumania’s training fighting men;
And cheaper ice is promised—when
It's snowing.
. The Greaser. in the light agaln,
Is spoiling for a fight again.
The Germans’ raid
> On Chile’s trade
i lls just a scheme to knife us.
Kid Kun, the battling Bolshevik,
Is running from the Allles’ stick; »
And they in Omsk,
: Tobolsk and Tomsk
Are dying of the typhus.
Commission finds that living's high;
But lays the blame on those who buy
For letting profiteering pi-
Rates bleed 'em.
And in & southern calaboose
They turned a cage of jailbirds loose;
It cost the warden like the deuce
To feed 'em!
From the Diary
of a Plain Man
T has always been a wonder to
I me that some kind angel does
not come along and hit a man
in the head with an ax before he
does some certain things, thus sav
ing him a lot of suffering after
ward.
I declined the honmor with great
finality when the committee came
and asked me to be toastmaster at
the church banquet, but commit
tees have a way about them that
can hardly be denied. The mem
bers told me, callectively and in
dividually, that 1 was the only man
in the entire city who could do the
job all up in pink baby ribbon and
(deliver the goods. They said more
nice things about me, right to my
face, than a Congressman can say
about himself in the Copgressional
Directory. They spoke of my ap
pearance, my prominence in the
city and my fine shape and my
pleasant yet forceful voice. Ten
minute before d had mnot had any
more idea of becoming a toast
master than I had of driving a
team of goats through the maln’
business thoroughfare of Bagdad
on a moonlight night with my hair
in a braid and a pink parasol over
my head, but I fell. Adam did, and
Adam was one of my ancestors.
During the ten days which were
supposed to elapse between that
time and the banquet I had no de
sire for food of any kind and I be
came morose and melancholy. I
couldn’t sleep more than two hours
of a night and I lost welght so fast
that my physician shook his head
and advised a sanitarilum where
the rates are $8 a day and upward.
1 had a plain case of buck fever
and longed to disappear and go to
somé foreign country dnd resume
business under an assumed name.
1 was in a blue funk and I wrote
that speech over nipe times. When
1 read it to my wife the last time
she sald it sounded worse than
when I read It to her the first time.
She said it was about as humorous
as Marc Antony's funeral oration
over the body of Cesar. She ad
vised me to copy one out of a book,
and I did, sitting up all night three
nights for that purpose, I got so
I.could rattle it off with about as
much feeling as a waitress orders
roast beef and brown gravy or
roast pork and apple sauce in a
country hotel.
‘w, Ifound myself.repeating snatches
of that speech at all hours of the
day. I tried it on every one in om
office building, and the only one !
got a laugh from was the janitor't
wife, and she said she laughed be
cause I looked so funny when |
was delivering the piece.
The morning of the banquet
dawned and found me with un
closed eyes. It was this morning,
to be exact. I had grated between
chills and burning fevers all night
and my nervous system was as
much of a wreck as a raflroad that
has been juggled on the stock mar
ket for nineteen years.
I crawled to my office this morn
ing in a state of utter collapse. 1
had'not Leen so ill in twenty years.
When the committee burst in
upon me at 10 o'clock I was ready
to call the ambulance and deliver
myself over to the authorities at
the insane hospital.
“We are very sorry,” saild the
committee, “but the banquet has
been postponed indefinitely. The
advance sale of tickets was so
small that we have abandoned the
scheme entirely. Some other time,
perhaps, but not now.” .
1 hugged those three men. I jab
bered like an insane chimpanzee
and I slopped over with exceeding
great joy. The committes looked
at me askance and departed sud
denly. To-night I leave for the
sanitarfum. Anybody who comes
to talk banquet with me in the
future would better bring a shot
gun or he will play the star part
in a henious erime of which I will
be the perpetrator.
The Heartless Corporations.
AN official of a New York life. in
surance assoclation tells of aan
incident that came within the ex-«
perience of one of that company's
adjusters,
A small pollicy was due a woman
by reason of her husband’'s death.
As there were ¢ertain formalities
of an unusual sort connected wits
this case, the adjuster ecalled !n
person upon the widow to hand
over the sum due. When these for
malities had been met and the
money had been pald, the agem
took occasion to say:
“l am very sorry to hear of your
misfortune, madam.”
Whereupon the woman's eyes
flashed, and she responded:
“Ain't that jest llke you insus
ance men! You're all the same—
always sorry when a poor woman
gets a chance at a little money!”