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EMUEL J. PEEBLES was the
L village undertaker and his
ad in the weekly paper read:
“Try our undertaking once and you
will never try any other. Embalm
ing done with neatness and dis
sateh.”
Mr. Peebles was known as the
Jolltest man in town and he always
greeted everybody with a smile.
He was particularly friendly to
newcomers, When anybody would
meet Lem the salutation would be:
“Well, Lem, how's business?™
“Purty good,” Lem would mpl&.i
looking fixedly at the questioner,
“but it might be better.” ;s
He derived about half his income
from .undertaking and the other!
half from renting folding chairs|
which were used for every .hwni
party, lecture or entertalnment |
given in the village. It was usual
for four or flve of the chatrs to col
lapse during the session, thereby
enbancing the undertaking busk
ness, There was nevar a greater
business combination than
taking and folding chairs,
Lemuel's cheerful mammer had
long endeared him to the oldtimers
in the neighhorhood. His cheery
greeting generally was: “Well, I've
got my eye on you, Tobias" and
Tobias would go home and ‘feel
cheerful all day.
He was the greatest man in the
community whenever there was a
faneral, for then he appeared in a
high silk hat and a Prince A!bm'
coat, which he had worn so long
that it had acquired a looking
glass effect. He was in the public
eye more prominently than was the
deceased. The minister was only
a side-fssue at any funeral presided ;
over by Mr, Peebles. |
Lemuel had a few seagoing hacks |
which he was willing to rent to|
the mourners at only three or four
times as much as they were worth,
and in some manner he always
managed to hunt up enough antl
quated plug hats for the drivers,
making them look like the execu
tive committee of Coxey’'s army.
The most doleful thing in the world
fs the plug hat worn by a bhack|
driver, particularly when the|
driver isn’t anxious to wear it and |
tilts it at an angle of 45 degrees.
But Lemuel always clahmed that
there was tone to his funerals—
regular city style—and it is only
fair to Lemuel to say that the prin
cipal character never complained.
When not engagzed in his lugubri.
ous occupation Lemuel was a pub
lic-spivited citizen. He opposed
the new sewer system, the water
works departinent and the new gar
bage plant as long as he decently
could to save the taxpayers’ money.
When the village started a move
ment to drain off the old marsh,
which was supposed to be a
breeder of malaria, Lemmnel fought
against it, but was finally whipped,
and he hasn’t yet got through tell
{ng what an expense the tmprove
ment was.
He made his ten-strike when he
bought a second-hand automobile
hearse. The old bus could run 'em
down almost as fast as he could |
undertake ’'em, '
Early Rising.
“l RECKON,” said the first farm
er, “that I get up earlier than
anybody in this peighborhood. I
am alwsys up before 3 o'clock in
the morning.”
The second farmer sald he was
always up before that and had part
of his work done.
The first farmer thought he was
@ lar, and decided to find out. A
few mornings later he got np at 2
o'clock and went to the neighbor's
house. He rapped on the back door
and the woman of the house
opened it.
“Where is your husband?” asked
the farmer, expecting to find the
neighbor in bed.
“He was around here early in the
morning,” answered the wife, “dut
I don’t know where he is now.”
e —————A
The Summer Siren.
EDITH-——l'm awfully afraid of the
waves,
Gwen-If 1 wore such a bathing
suit as you, dear, the only wave
I'd fear would be a moral on#,
In Kentucky. v
uYES, Bill chased him two days
w!th a shot gun, finally got &
#oood bead on him and shot him
through the lung.”
“Kill him?"
“?.-:,‘ ’
“Didn't they lynch Bill for colds
blooded murder?
“Nope; the feller Bill shot didn't
have a friend on earth, so the game
warden jest fined Bill two dollars
ter huntin’ without & license.”
George McManus' Funniest Series, “Bringing Up Father,” Every Evening in The Atlanta Georgian
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THERS may spend the Sum-
O mer at varfous resorts, but
if you are a eommuter you
always spend your Summer in one
place—on the suburban train.
If you are a commuter you are
always hurrying to catch some
thing. There are three things you
are always trfin:m catch up with:
The train to the city, the train home
and the installments on your house.
A commuter iz like the conductor
of a merry-goround. He s always
travelling, but never gets any
where,
If nothing happens to you before
you are ninety-seven years old vou
probably get your house paid for
and you will have caught 1,786,943
tralns. The average commuter 151
willing to let this rest as the record
of a life of fulfilment. = A commuter
does not yearn for the great goals
of life. To get to the city and get
home—that 18 the sum totql of his
ambition. |
In fact, probably nobody would
ever have heard of several million
commuters if somebedy hadnt wri:-
ten a song entitled “On the Five-
Fifteen,” and even this song gave
the commuter a bad name.
But commuting has its advan
tages, When you commute you al
ways live in a high-sounding com-|
munity. The real estate promoter
usually names the suburb after his|
daughter, so you live in "Huel-i
hurst,” = “Gladysville,” “Matylyn
Manor” or “Flossyfen.” You ean!
talk about your “country place” in|
every ginmill and club ‘in the city/|
and know that none of the peoplei
you talk to will ever come out and
look you up and find out the trut'n.l
When you leave on the 5:15 or the
7:22 you leave the world behind. !
Commuting is not a life to ‘be en-|
tered upon lightly, It is always
best to look the ground over before
buying the new place, When they
tell you the house is only one block
from the station you are apt to find
that the station referred to is a
gasoline filling station and that the
station you are interested in—the
rallway station—lis two miles away.
‘When you are a commuter the
servant problem is no problem at
all. That is another advantage.
You never keep one long enough to
learn her first name. In course of
time you stop worrying about it and
grab a bite wherever you happen
to be. Besides, there ls generally
a tea room in the community
where you can get half a meal for
only three or four times what it
would cost you in the city,
Your life as a commuter Is com
paratively simple. You rise at 6
o'clock in the morning 8o as to
have plenty of time to get to the
8:17. You find that the maid left
on the last train the night befora,
8o instead of having breakfast
vou go and chase the lawnmower
up and down the lot until train
time. People eat too much anyhow.
Any doctor will tell you that. Nebu-
AEARST’S SUNDAY AMIRICAN — A NeWwspaper for People Who Think — SUNDAY, AUGUST 31, 1919.
He Should Worry
The Commuter
chadnezzar went out and ate grass.
You go out and cut it
When you reach the city you get
your coffee and sipkers and rush to
your office. You take out your
watch and put it on your desk and
keep your fnind on the 5:15 all day,
for that is the train upon which
you have promised to go homae.
Aside from worrying about your
train you have no troubles what:
ever, Business is a secondary mat
ter. What troubles you have dur
ing the day come from your suburb
over the telephone. It is necessary
to get home on the 5:15 or the new
cook won't stay because she has a
The Surest Way. ’
ANGRY FATHER—If my son mar
ries that burlesque actress, |
shall cut him off without a cent,
and you can tell him so.
Lawyer—There's no use bother
ing him; I'll just tell the actress,
Tickled to Death.
BLANK bad had a day off, and
when -he returned to the office
the following morning his pals
wanted to know why he looked 20
disgruntled.
“Everything went wrong!” grum- .
bled Blank.
“How was that?” one asked.
“BEver go fishing with a giri?”
“Once.”
“Did she protest against hurting
the fish?”
“No, She said she was sure they
were perfectly happy, because they
were all wagging their talls.” |
Misunderstood.
SHORT-——} say, old man, can you|
lend me a fiver?
Longley—lmpossible. I've tried|
to lend you money several times,
but you .always seem to look upon
it as a gift.
Frank.
FREDA. unless she was asleep,
was always just going Into mis
chief or just coming out. It was
“Don’t do this!” and “Don't touch
that!"” from morning till night. In
, fact, the little girl had been con
sistently naughty for a week, and
her mother was In deapalr.
“Really, child,” she sald at last,
“1 should think you would get tired
hearing me talk to you so much."”
In most decided tones the child
returned:
“Well,'mother, 1 do."
Boss.
“DOES your wife drive a car?
“Not exaatly,” replled Mr,
Petroll. “She doesn’t do the actual
work, But when she’s in the car she
decides which way it is going every
~ time.”
date to go to the movies with the
chauffeur next door.
After worrylng about it all day
you catch the 6:15 by a hair’s
breadth and have to stand up all
the way home. You spend most of
the time finding your commutation
ticket and the conduotor epends
the rest of the time trying to find
a place to punch it, so the time
passes, in an interesting manner. |
After dinner all you have to do is
to go to bed and lie awake half the
night worrying about catching the
8:17 in the morning., :
As somebody has said: “That is
the life!™
From Here and There
Big Talk.
nRVILLE WRIGHT, at a dinner
ia Dayton, talked of his early
struggles.
“We had, my brother and L" he
said, “lots of oral encouragement.
People talked big, but they would
put up fothing. With their mouths
full of millions and their quite
empty hands, they reminded me of
a barber I once knew.
“This barber said one day as he
shaved ma: :
_ “*“That's a fine pup of Wilber
forde’s. I'd give anything for it
“Wall, it's for sale, isn't 1t?
sgaid L
“Tha barber burst into harsh,
sneering laughter.
“‘Oh, yes, it's for sale,” said he,
%ut Wilberforce, the chump, wauts
$1.50 for it.'”
e R LR L R L e i
Ode to a True Prophet
N days of yore
I We used to roar
At Lady Carrie Natlon,
Who left deep scars
| On polished bars,
And hacked with grim elation,
We shed no tears |
O’er shattered beers,
For other bars were handy;
We thought her daft—
We merely laughed,
And quaffed anothar brandy.
But now It seems
The old dime’'s dreams
Were not the stuff of fable; ¢
The hour draws nigh
When we shall sigh
For bottles on the table,
Those blows she efruck
Were not for luck;
They had a sound foundation;
It was the knell
Of liguor's spell—
SOMI prophet, Carris Nation!
so while we sip
Some spikeless nip
Let's not forget the hatchet;
It was a clew
‘ For me and yon, ’
| But, ah, we didn’t catch it!
Taking Up the Slack in the Purse Strings
By Roy K. Moulton
T HAVE fust been reading”
‘I sald my wife, “that Bdgar
. Allan Poe got only $lO a
week while editor of a magazine
and managed to get along on (t
very well.”
‘“The original of Efficlency Ed
gar,” I said. “When was that?”
“In 1839,” she replied.
“What a man could do with $lO
fn 1839 has no bearing upon what
he can do with $lO in 1919" 1
averred. “For $lO, in 1839, a man
could buy half ‘'a cow and choosa
his half, and if he trled to carry
Not Getting a Cook. |
HUSBAND—I say, Qur, dinner’s
horribly late again.
Wife—Look hers, when you mar
ried me you didn't marry a cook.
Husband—Waell, you needa't rub
it in.
o—
: Annoying. :
IN a crowded omnibus a stout
woman vainly endeavored to get
her fare out of the pocket of her
cloak, which was tightly buttoned
as a precautlon against pickpockets,
After she had been working In
valn for sime minutes, a gentleman
geated on her right sald: “please
allow me to pay your fare.”
The lady declined with some
acerbity and recommenced her at
tacks on the pocket. .
After these had continued for
a little time her fellow passenger
said: “You really must let me pay
your fare. You have elreafly un
done my braces three times, and I
cannot stand It any longer.,” '
Joshing the Diplomatist.
THERE is a certain youth at
tached to one of the foreign
missions at Washington whose
habit it is, shortly after introduec
tion to some fair lady, immedi
ately to turn the conversation into
channels favorable for the discus
glon of the tender passion. s
“I observe,” sald he, on one occa
slon, when he had just been pre
sented to a charming young wo
man, “that you wear & most nnxc
tive locket. Tell me; does it con
tain the token of some past affair
of the heart?”
“Yes,” smiled the lady, who had
been warned of the diplomatist's
wenkness, and who thought to havo{
a bit of fun*with Lim. “It does con- ]
tain a love token--a loek of my
husband’'s halr.”
“A widow!” exclalmed the sus.
ceptible forpigner, as he edged
cloger. “Why, some one told me
your husband was allve
“He 18,” answered the young wo
man, “but his hair is gone.”
By
TAD. e
Reglstered U, 8. Patent Offleds
§lO worth of codfish home from the
market he would have to make five
trips. Nowadays §%O doesn’t make
any more nolise than the yell squad
of a deaf and dumb institute.”
“Nevertheless, his —experlence has
given me »an idea. If he could fiet
along on $lO a week we ought to
be able to get along on §2O, at least
for our table.”
“You mean that S2O a week
would buy the furniture polish for
the table?”
‘“No, the food. I have got a littla
book on efficiency, and I see whera
we can save a great deal of
money.” ’
“Shall we give up the apartment
and live In a tent?”
“No, we are going to save it on
food.”
“The hardest thing in the world
to save It on. Try something easy.
You can save money on anythiang
else twice as fast.”
“I am going to let Myrtilla go
and do the cooking myself. I have
one thousand handy recipes hera
in the book. We will begin to
morrow.”
We did. Wé'began at breakfast
next morning. The things we weut
without at that breakfast would
have filled Mrs, Rorer's book threa
or four times, We had sub#titutes
for everything except domestic
falicity, There was no substitute
in the book for that.
There is a lunch wagon three
blocks from our house. I managed
to get over there in time to make
out a fair breakfast and get my
train for the city.
For dinner that night we had
some very delectable muffing mada
of gotato parings and a sort of imi
tation cornmeal which tasted as
thotigh ‘t was the by-product of
some veneer factory, We also hal
some sort of fish. 1 am willing to!
swear it was fish, because my wifs|
sald it was and she is a trutbful
person,
For some reason I could eat very
little, and the second night it was|
the same. My wife eyed me sus
piciously. By the end of the week
I had reduced my own appetite to
‘the extent that it seemed as thouzh{
we were not only going to save a|
great deal of money on food, but
that somebody might actually be
owing us money. My wife ate spar
ingly., When we totalled up the
figures at the end of the week wo
found we had saved $6 In houss|
money. |
80 we started in the second week. |
We were already figuring on what
sort of a car we would buy, or ln+
what other way we could spend ""i
money quickly, so as to get it ou(g
of the way. People who Are not
accustomed to saving money are
always embarrassed in lits pres l
ence. Like a peace treaty, after
they get it they don't know what
to do with fit.
On Wednesday, of the second
week, after I had had my usual
square meal down town and was
on my way home to eat the effi
ciency dinner, I chanced to stop in
front of a restaurant in our neigh
borhood to look at some things they
had in the window, a wooden por
terhouse steak and a papier mache
lobster or two. As I looked I saw,
at the third table, a hat that looked
somewhat familiar, 1 went in and
found that the person who was
peated under the hat was my wifs,
SBhe was seated in front of a mess
of lamb chops, and the chops were
flanked by Brussels sprouts and
Spring peas. A large assortment
of French pastry was near at hand.
“You are a little early, aren't
you?” ghe inquired.
“A 1" I samiite. "3 B
through early.”
“Too early,” she declarel. “Flf
teen minutes more and I would
bave been home with the efficiency
dinner on the table.”
“How long has this been going
on?" 1 demanded.
“Ever since the third day,” she
admitted. “That was the day I dis
covered that you were getting your
meals down town.”
That night we figured up. ' Dur
ing our experiment we had saved
$0 in house money and had speunt
$36 for meals outside. The cat got
2 good meal' that night.
Edgar Allan Poe might have done
it on $lO a week, but civillzation
has advanced a few paces since
1839.
Heard About
Town. :
‘‘Where Pantg the Hart."
“OH. Jones,” said the botanist, “I
see a pair of overalls working
in the field. I wonder if it's a man
or a woman?"
“You say it's working? Then it's
& woman!"
The Btilly Night.
THE most consoling thing about
going to the movies is seeing
so many women In the pictures
opening their mouths and not say
ing a word you can hear,
. — ! ’ -
Bpotting Francis.
A YOUNG woman was telling &
friend about an acquaintance,
a young man named Francis, whom
the second girl had never seen,
“What sort of a chap is Francis,
anyhow?' asked the listener,
“Well,” the other replied, after a
moment’s thought, “if ever you see
two men in a corner and one looks
bored to death, the other one {s
Francls.”
Life at
Newport
NOWJNG as we do what an
K ordeal it is for us to be
photographed, we feel verw
sorry for the poor soclety leaders
at Newport and other popular re
sorts of the elitest of the ellte.
Thess poor dames can't make &
move without a camera at their
elbows, clicking away their every
gesture. ' They get photographed
getting into and out of their ma
chines, and into and out of the surt,
and into and out of their Summer
homes. Life, to them, is just one
exposure after another.
It must be annoying not to have
a moment's rest—to have to wear a
cameratic smile all the time. Ordi
nary mortals can step out of a taxi
and no one will pay any attention
to them, except the driver, and he
ceases to be interested the moment
he gets his fare. But when a so
clety leader alights from her car
her act {s accompanied by a chorus
of clicks from a battery of cameras,
In fact, these clicks are so much a
part of her dally life that it
wouldn’t be surprising if some one
unacquainted with what {s going on
might not mistake the soclety
leader for a mechanical toy, and
decide that the clicks were the
sound of ber internal mechanism of
springs.
We wonder it the cameramen are
ever a topic of conversation in the
fnner social circle. Can't-you im
agine a couple of grand dames—
(N. B.—Be careful not to pro
nounce “dame” to rhyme with
“game.” The “a” has a broad brim,
as in Panama”™)—can’t you R
as we were saying when - !
interrupted, a couple of t’ 1f yere
dowagers chatting thuslic ’@“d
“Well, my dear, how® %"
were you snapped toyg omm'f
"Really"——busmu;’%’
lorgnette—*l cawn’t say. levating
keep the score, don’t you \dom
“Ah"—similar business— ”
pose mnot. Still, it's the bit
nuisance, n'est-ce pas.”
“You saidea Rolls-Royce-ful, my
dear. Why, only yesterday I ac
cidentally stepped on one of those
camera persons as I was getting
out of the surf.”
“That was unfortunate.”
“Yes, I'm afraid I jarred his nega
tive—l believe that’s what yoa call
it. Won't it be terrible if tiat photos
graph comes out, and my bathing
suit looks jarred.”
“Yes, or, what is worse, won't it
be terrible if the photograph comes
out and your bathing suit looks
negative.” :
“My word, I never thought of
that. I must be more careful in the
future in regard to exposures, using
the word—my dear—strictly in a
snapshottish sense. Adieu! Home,
James. I must sweep out the ball
room before dinner.”
No Fez or Fusz.
THE misslonary to Turkey was
home for a spell, and was in.
vited to' many houses to meet var
sous people.
An old lady, racking her brain for
some Interesting topic of conversa:
tion, told the missionary about a
Turk who had been a thief aud
whom she had met in her travels.
“Did the scoundrel wear a fes?”
the missionary asked, rather bored
with the recital but feigning in-
Lerest.,
“No,” sald the old lady; “he was
clean shaven.”
Home Work.
JOHN.\'Y»—FAtblr. how do yom
spell high?
Father——H--g-h; why do you wish
to know? L
¢ohnny—'Cause I'm writing &
composition on the highena.
A Dramatic Instant.
“ls the fair defendant ready to
appear?”
“She is still conferring with her
lawyers."”
“Why the delay?
“I understand they are trying to
decide on the psychological mos
ment for her to faint in court.”
Good for Percy.
“MY son is not what you wm}
call musically inclined,” sald
the fond mother, indicating the
languld, poetiec ereature who lolled
beside her, “and yot I am anxious
to have him take plano lessons.”
The Dean of the Conservatory
rubbed his chin thoughtfully as he
surveyed the sad young man. :
“You see,” she continued, "!o!c"l
so delicate, I think the exercise will
be good for him.™