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“SPOT CASH TAPP.”
THE ARGUS DEVIL.
At last Sunday morning’s service,
Rev. Luke G. Johnson read the rules
of the Methodist Church, and when
became to the one against playing
carps, he dwelt quite awhile on the
k-arxl parties, giving the young folks
a roasting on the subject.
Os course, Brother Johnson is right
about the card parties, and he is also
right in “jacking up” the young
folks. But it strikes me that the
chief root of all this evil is in the
grown church members who allow all
this card playing at their houses, and
allow their children to go to them at
other houses.
B'Jack up” the young people all
rllht enough, Brother Johnson, but
dln’t forget to strike at the source
ofall this evil.
* *
Bs a girl gets older she begins to
deinn the ultra fashions; the
■Kier she gets, the more she con
dlinns them.
■The great “histrionic” entertain
ment of “Huckleberry Willy” chas
ing a Billy Goat twenty steps came
wff last Saturday afternoon as adver-
Tomorrow, this monotonous
entertainment will be varied in
Dalton—Paul Buchholz will chase a
few Argus delinquents both in the
morning and in the afternoon. Ad
mission, SI.OO.
* •
■We all thank the Lord that we
haven’t got the bad habits of the
father person and at the same time
that he is thanking God that he
Masn’t got our bad habits.
* *
I A fellow-devil tells me that a man
Sained Tom Jones recently died and
a bulletin stating that Thos. Jones,
Esq., had departed this life for
■eaven at 12 p. m., was posted by
sympathetic friends on the door. A
Qad boy placed the following notice
Hander that of the neighbors: “Heav
jan, 2:30 p. m.—Jones not arrived;
■Excitement intense.”
| Yes, indeed. And many a funeral
Bermon would receive a somewhat
iimilar rebuttal if there were wire
Connections between the places.
Mud what a difference there would
be in the epitaphs on the tombstones,
|||f they waited for telegraphic advice
■rom the other world, before they
Carved them.
♦ »
■ Why don’t our city pastors issue
permits and rent sleeping
Cerths to those who attend public
Cvorship and seem determined to
asleep their way through to a warmer
Climate? These sleepers might be
Ciade a source of revenue to the
Church, if the fear of having to pay
Coinething didn’t keep them at home
Cud cause them to do their sleeping
■there. And even that is a consum-
Mnation devoutly to be wished.
C * *
“T A recent “society item” contained
gt-iis sentence in describing the dress
■vorii by one of the belles of the
Cvening: “The waist and sleeves
Cvere made out of some very pleasing
Cauzy kind of stuff that didn’t inter
■sere With daylight.”
That reporter didn’t have such bad
■use of King’s English, did she ?
• *
Cheap Chaff.
H The best remedy for an injury is
■forgetfulness.
■ ise men are wrong much oftener
■than fools are right.
■ Women in politics are about as
■graceful as hens in swimming.
HL „ oaa unt of culture will make a
■uian stop snoring in his sleep.
K. i . mau w ho paints his nose ought
I , kick when his wife paints her
■ cheeks.
fc.l he worst that can be said of little
is that they won’t stay little.
BF A woman likes to be told how
■ pretty she is and how homely some
■ other women are.
■ A woman’s thought of matrimony
■ Jelore and after taking are seldom
THE DALTON ARGUS, SATURDAY, AUGUST 5, 1899.
the same.
The elderly fat woman endeavoring
to be kittenish is a sight at which the
gods weep.
A man with a family to support
can never understand why all the
old bachelors are not millionaires.
When a bachelor declares that he
is wedded to his profession the right
woman can make him commit
bigamy.
The jjirls in a Kentucky town have
formed a society and have for their
motto: “The lips that touch liquor
shall never touch ours.” There is a
big demand for straws in that vicinity
just now.
The “kissing bug” is not needed in
Dalton; there ere enough kissing
humbugs here, already.
Albert Gregg says he can’t see for
the life of him why a woman just
must have a $3 75 purse to carry
around a nickle, two coppers, a button
and a glove fastener.
* *
A South Georgia editor makes this
pathetic appeal to his Udear delin
quents: “If some of you fellows
don’t ‘cough up’ hang-fired soon, I
will lease my stomach out to the town
band as a bass drum.”
“Tootrue, too true; Oh, listen to
his tale of woe.”
* *
“How’s business?” asked the
Jersey mosquito of his friend from
Boston.
“Very bad,” was the reply. “I
haven’t had a square meal in a week.
My hotels are full of Boston people,
and you can’t get blood out of ’em
unless you carry a kit of burglar’s
tools.”—Exchange.
A wag thus states the reason why
so many of us stay poor: “A man
could make money with five fingers,
if he didn’t have ten for it to slip
through ”
Yes; if we didn’t have to eat, nor
wear clothes, we could sometimes
get rich.
* *
Lots of fathers give their daughters
away and have a son-in-law on their
hands.—Wash. Democrat.
« *
You don’t believe in palmistry,
eh ? Well, if you could see some
pesky delinquents palming “that
dollar” so greedily, and so continu
ously, you’d come mighty near be
lieving in the evils of “palmistry.”
« *
A fellow-devil tells us that a gen
tleman at a turkey dinner recently,
was asked how he would be helped.
He replied:
“Fix me up like the ladies at the
entertainment last night were fixed
up—a good deal of breast and very
little dressimr.”
# *
A philosopher truly says: “It is
difficult, after you have failed, to get
people to take into consideration how
good your intentions were.”
How true to life. You have got no
business having intentions unless you
succeed. The moment you fail, even
your best friends are sorry you turned
out such a rascal
* *
A South Georgia editor advises the
use of camphor as a relief for chigre
bites, and also vaseline; also sour
milk; also coal oil. These all may
be good, but for good old substantial
relief from redbugs and chigres, give
me a good old scratching.
* *
After a girl can play two or three
pieces on the piano, her mother
begins to sniff with disdain every
time she reads praise of Paderewski.
—Atchison Globe.
* *
“There are too many pretenders
and not enough real preachers,” said
a sawed-off, coal black street preach
er on the First National Bank corner
last Saturday.
I listened to him for a few moments
and became persuaded that he was
right. * «
A Columbus woman has sued for
divorce because, while her husband
claimed before marriage to own a
soap factory, the only tiling she could
discover after marriage remotely
suggesting soap was the lie.
I hope no such precedent will be
set. If every woman whose husband
needed soap was to sue for divorce,
where would any of us be safe ?
* *
A fellow-devil tells of a girl who is
writing a novel that will be true to
life. Instead of receiving three pro
posals, the heroine sat on her front
steps alone until she was 25, when
she joined • the chasers and at last
caught a sick man who couldn’t
escape.
Mr. d , who is a constant
devotee of the wheel, was recently
visiting in one of the small towns of
western Massachusetts. He was
taking a spin about its streets shortly
after its arrival, when he was run
down (as he claimed) by a negro, and
knocked off his bicycle. The fall not
onlv ruffled bis dignity and his
clothes, but broke his skin and his
wheel. These combined injuries
made a breach in his placidity, and
he picked up a stone and threw it
with accurate aim at the colored man
and brother. This infraction of the
peace resulted in his arrest, and in
his conviction in the local court of
U “I will fine you five dollars,” said
the judge. “Have you anything to
SftiV ? ”
‘“Nothing.” replied D.,unmollifled,
“except that I wish I had killed the
fellow.”
“That remark will cost you five
dollars more,” rejoined his honor.
D/s temper was not improved by
this fresh dispensation of justice,
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General Agents, Dalton, Georgia.
wherefore the bitterness of his re
joinder was plainly apparent. “Con
versation seems to come high in this
court,” he observed.
“Five dollars for contempt,”
promptly responded the bench.
“Have you anything more to say.?”
“I think not,” answered the defen
dant; “you have the advantage of
me in repartee.”
The payment of the fine closed the
case.
* *
A girl tries to make your pursuit
of her difficult, but not so difficult as
to be really difficult. She realizes
that boys are so easily discouraged,
and need to be encouraged.
* *
This story is told of a German and
an Irishman who are great friends,
but between whom a sharp line is
drawn in the matter of nationality.
Going through the home department
of a poor farm in Pennsylvania, the
German, with just a suspicion of race
From Extreme Nervousness.
1! /jt w
THAT no one remedy can contain the
elements necessary to cure all diseas
es, is a fact well known to everyone.
Dr. Miles' System of Restorative Remedies
consists of seven distinctively different
preparations, each for its own purpose.
Mrs. L. C. Bramley, 37 Henry St., St. Cath
erines, Ontario, writes: "For years I suf
fered from extreme nervousness and annoy
ing constipation, developing into palpitation
and weakness of the heart. I was unable to
sleep, suffered much from headache, pain in
my left side, palpitation ayd a constant
feeling of weakness and prostration. I began
using Dr. Miles' Nervine, Heart Cure and
Nerve and Liver Pills and the z\nti-Pain
Pills to relieve sudden paroxysms of pain
and headache. I soon felt much improved
and the pains and aches and weariness left
me. I then took Dr. Miles’ Restorative
Tonic and am now restored to my former
good health."
are sold by all drug- __ ’ ,
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DR. MILES MEDICAL CO.. Elkhart. Ind.
prejudice, remarked:
“I notice that these people are
nearly all Irish.”
“So they are,” the Irishman said ;
“but wait till we get over into the
crazy house; that’s where they keep
the Dutch.”
They entered the insane depart
ment justasan inmate who imagines
he is a great orator was making a
speech in German
“What did I tell you?” asked the
Irishman.
“Oh, well,” replied the German,
“you can’t go crazy if you haven’t
got brains.”
* *
It is a great pleasure, sometimes,
to see even a friend make an ass of
himself—especially if you have been
making an ass of yourself.
» ♦
He: “Dearest, say the little word
that will make me happy for life.”
She: “Have you spoken to papa?”
He: “Oh, yes; he says the money
is all your own, free" from incum
brance.”
* *
The devil of the South Georgia
Home is lucky. Hear him: “The
wave of prosperity has struck us,
and we are rich, rich, rich! We’ve
got two boys. The eldest (ten years)
can set two columns of type a day;
he can feed the big press, fold papers
and help make up the mail. And
while the Home blossoms forth each
week without the assistance of hired
help, our better-half and the other
boy are making $1 a day packing
grapes. Verily, the barrel of meal
shall not waste, nor the cruise of oil
fail.”
* *
Yes, Pauline dear; you can always
tell where the picturesque scenery is
by the pictures in the guide book.
♦ *
A coachman way down East has
gone and taken a $2,000,000 heiress
with him as a bridal gift. The only
drawback to the scoop was the ac
companying bride.
♦ »
Wisdom in a Nutshell.
Every woman has an idea that she
“holds her age well.”
Life’s thorns were created to keep
people from acting hoggish with the
roses.
Love is a dream. Whether it is a
nightmare or not depends a iot on
what you had for dinner.
There was never but one really
brave man. He told a woman he
didn’t think her baby was unusually
bright for its age.
Religion may say what it will; but
there comes a time to every human
soul when it knows that there can
be no heaven for it where some one
other human soul is not.
* *
A prominent Dalton groceryman
said to me last Saturday:
“I don’t see what Berry Bowen and
Sam Frazier want to go into the
grocery business for—l don't see how
they expect to make any money In
the business —one of them is honest
and the other is a little timid.”
I repeated it to Berry Bowen. Ho
says he has always felt that he was
somewhat timid —just a little bashful
anyhow.
Berry evidently wants the public
to think Sain’s the other.
The Devil.
Commissioner of Agriculture
Stevens will make a fight before
the general assembly at the next
session for the appointment of a
general oil inspector whose duty it
shall be to visit all the towns of the
state and have general supervision
of the work of inspection of oils
throughout the state. We are not
prepared to endorse Mr. Stevens’
idea at first blush; we don’t know
but what the present system is by
far the better of the two. We now
have several paid to do the work;
that seems better to us than one
high-salaried duck who would hire
others to do the work.
To Cleanse The System
Effectually .vet gently, when costive or
bilious, to permanently overcome ha
bitual constipation, to awaken the kid
nevs ami liver to a healthy activity,
without irritating or weakening them, to
dispel headaches, colds, or fevers, use
Nyrup of Figs, made by the California
Fig Syrup Co.
Summerßesorts.
Many delightful summer resorts are
situated on and reached via Southern
Railway. Whether one desires the sea- .
side or the mountain, the fashionable
hotels or country homes, they can be
reached via this magnificent highway of
travel.
Ashville, N. C , Hot Springs, N. C.,
Roan Mountain, I’enn., and the mountain
resoits of East Tennessee and Western
North Carolina —“The Land of the Sky”
—Tate Sptings, Teiin., Oliver Springs,
Tenn., Lookout Mountain, Tenn., Monte
Sano, Huntsville, Ala., Lilhia Springs,
Ga , and various Virginia Springs; also
the seashore resorts are reached by the
Southern Railway on convenient sched
ules and very low rates.
The Southern Railway has issued a
handsome folder, entitled “Summer
Homes and Resorts,” descriptive of
nearly one thousand summer resorts
hotels ami boarding houses, includ
ing information regarding rates for
board at the different, places and rail
road rate to reach them.
Write to C. A. Beuscoter, Assistant
General Passenget Agent, Southern
Railway, Chattanooga. Tenn., for a copy
of this folder.
Bryant & Fincher's for
the best cold drinks.
Keep the Stomach and Bowels in
good condition, the Waste Avenues open
and free by an occasional dose of Dr.
M. A. S immons Liver Medicine. For
sale by Bryant & Fincher.
7