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TRENTON, GEORGIA.
During the last fifty years the climate
has so changed that a man can now live
at an altitude of a tenth of a mile higher
than before.
Governor Waterman, of California,
will not permit paid attorneys to appear
before him in the interest of those seek
ing pardons.
The rate of mortality among the In
dians increases about ten per cent, a
year. The more they are civilized the
faster they die. v
The whole number of Christians in
China is now over 32,000, while those in
Japan are over 19,000. In each country
ovar 4000 were added duiing 1887.
It is not an uncommon thing for emi
grants to land at Castle Garden, New
York, with families of nine or ten
children, and recently a husband and
wife, with thirty-two children, disem
barked there.
There is said to be one house in Chi
cago which maintains seventy commer
cial travelers in a single State, and whose
yearly expenses were made SIO,OOO
greater by the passage of the Interstate
Commerce Law.
The interest taken in art in France
was shown this year by the crowd of
people present at the so-called private
view of the Salon. So great was the
anxiety not to miss the spectacle that
10,000 people gained admission.
A Chicago police justice has made a
funny legal blunder. He has built a
fine house on another man’s lot, and the
man will neither buy it nor let him re
move it. The surveyor got the wrong
line, and the owner of the property
wasn’t saying a word.
Since the organi'ation of the New
York Cremation Society, three years ago,
18G bodies have been incinerated there—
-120 males and 57 females. Interested
people declare that cremation is gaining
ground, and this New York society has
now begun to pay expenses.
A discussion is going on among som
of the Eastern papers a 3 to what flowe r
should be chosen as our national em
blem. The Chicago ITeral/l thinks that
the blossom most emblematic of modesty,
the distinguishing trait of American
charrjcter, is undoubtedly the shy and
shrinking violet.
After all, Buffalo Bill’s visit to Eng
land was not without substantial results,
declares the Atlanta G nxti'u-ion. He
claims that he introduced pop corn into
that country, and it ’is now very popu
lar. At one of Buffalo Bill’s exhibitions
20,000 balls of pop corn were sold, and
even the royal family munched this
delicacy.
Empress Victoria, of Germany, has
turned inventor, remarks the New Or
leans Times-Democrat. She drew plans
from which a writing desk has been
manufactured, which enables the Em
peror to write whether lying in bed or
standing up. It is available in any posi
tion, and the mechanism employed is
said to be intricate and remarkably effec
tive.
M. Paul Leroy-Beaulieu, a French
Scientist, gives figures showing the
quantity of tobacco consumed in the dif
ferent countries of Europe. The rate per
100 inhabitants is, according to him, as
follows: Spain, 110 pounds: Italy, 128
pounds; Great Britain, 138 pounds;
Russia, 182 pounds: Denmark, 224
pounds; Norway, 229 pouuds; Austria,
273 pounds.
Proceedings in the New Mexico courts
of justice are usually conducted in the
Spanish language, records the New
York World , and it very often happens
in a trial, it is said, that not a Single
juryman can speak English. The two
lawyers who stand at the head of the
criminal bar in the Territory owe their
success almost entirely to their fluent
command of Spanish.
The Chicago Herald remarks that
“Pennsylvania is said to have been the
first State to break over the old and
well established custom of hanging
murderers only on Friday. Many other
States, Illinois included, now depart
from it. There was never any good
reason for it anyway, and as there are few
States that do not need a hanging every
day in the week, it is well to do away
with it altogether.”
An experiment in co-operation will be
tried by the Knights of Labor of Glen
wood Springs, Colorado, and will be
watched with interest. A tract border
ing on Grand river is to be settled and
turned into farming land, where fruits
and vegetables may be raised. Canning
works -nd other enterprises are to be
•stablished in time. The colony will
pay its officers no salaries, and all dis
putes are expected to be settled by the
decision of the Beard of Arbitration witl*
out going to law.
Paris is talking about erecting a mon
| unxent to Jacques Daviel, the first oculist
to practice excision of the cataract. He
described his method in a paper which
he read before the Academy of Surgery
on the 10th of November, 1752.
The editor of the Western Electrician
thinks the Edison photophone possesses
such vast possibilities and its achieve
ment has awakened an enthusiasm which
has not been manifest since the intro
duction of the telephone. It may, ht
thinks, serve a thousand different pur
poses. It . may aid the business man
throughout the working-hours and
charm him in his leisure moments. Em
ployed as it can be for both pleasure and
business, it may revolutionize life in
both these aspects.
Berlin, it seems, has gradually beconu
the headquarters of the carved wood
industry, supplanting Switzerland. Six
hundred artists in wood carving, the
same number of turners and 700 car
penters are engaged in manufacturing
such articles as cigar cases, newspaper
and picture frames, napkin lings, etc.
The value of the annual export of these
articles is given as 5,000,000 marks, and
this is exclusive of the costly carved
wood furniture the manufacture and ex
port of which are assuming large pro
portions.
F. G. Krelschmer, of Pierre, Dakota,
said recently to a Chicago reporter!
“The warpath is a thing of the past. It \
makes the people living on the borders o£
the Sioux reservation smile. The Indian ■
does not want to fight. Ido not believe
twenty bucks could be found on the
Sioux reservation who would take the
warpath. They have Sitting Bull as u
living example. Last summer I made a
trip over the Big Sioux reservation alone,
slept in Indian tepees at night, and I had
no more fear of danger than I have here
in Chicago.”
The Crown Prince is waging war
against the dandies of the Pruss an army.
He recently gave orders that the English
trousers and pointed laced shoes—Eng
lish points,” as they are called—“which
some of the gentlemen wear of late,”
should be abolished and replaced by the
military trousers and Prussian shoes—
most unornamental coverings for the
feet. The order is not liked, and in
creases his popularity only among the
older officers. He also ordered the bands
of the various regiments under his com
mand to practise the historical tunes of
which he professes to be a great lover.
The modern airs, which had become
very popular among the soldiers, are
doomed and already the tunes of “Hoheir
friedberger,” “Torgauer,” “Sebastopol,’*
“Radetzky” and “March to Paris,” echo
again along the streets of Berlin. The
small boys do not wh.stle the accompani
ment to these, however, a certain proof
that they are not popular. But the
Prince is happy, and thinks Ift is daily
increasing his resemblance to t rederick
the Great.
The New York Herald says that “the
fact that leprosy exists in ftc Baltic
provinces and that emigration from
those provinces is unrestricted brings
home to us a crucial question. Shall we
not resist the introduction of the leper in
the l nited States? And in ajking this
question might we not likewise enter
fully into this whole business of imigra
tion. Why should the shores of the
United States Be the dumping ground
for every nation? The emigration busi
ness is a large one, but it is almost en
tirely under foreign Bags. We are onlv
concerned in it so far as to find homes,
employment and protection lor those
who come. It is not to diminish our
hospitality to say that none shall come
who are diseased, criminal or paupers.
Leprosy once surely earthed here and it
would be ineradicable. The true way
is to keep it out, and while doing that
we might keep out other things which
we welcome in our all too easy way.”
Of that vast work, as projected, the
ship canal between Bordeaux, on the
Atlantic seaboard, and Narbonne, on the
Mediterranean coast, it is stated that the
cost will be some $130,000,000, and
while its length would be about 33C
miles the use of it would be a saving of
nearly 700 miles by vessels going from
southern France or northern Italy to the
northern Atlantic. The plan, it is said,
contemplates having a railroad run along
the margin of the canal, and using loco
motives to tow the vessels through, by
which means, it is believed, a speed of
seven miles an hour may be maintained
both day and night, as during the hours
of darkness the canal might be illuminu
ted with electric lights. There would
be, according to the plan, thirty eight
locks in the canal, and the depth of
water, twenty-seven feet, would permit
French armor-clad vessels to pass
through the canal, thus uniting the two
sea coasts of the country, and avoiding
the passage through the Strait of
Gibraltar, which might in time of war
be blockaded by the fleet of an enemy,
and would deprive the English of cer
tain advantages which they now in
the Gibraltar fortifications. It is thought
that,for commercial purposes,the patron
age of the canal will be sufficient to pay
a good return on the money invested if)
its construction.
REMEMBER.
Remember, when the timid dawn uncloses
Her magic palace to the sun’s bright beams;
Remember, when the pensive night reposes
Beneath her silvery veil in tender dreams,
When pleasure calls thee, when the heart is
light,
When to sweet fancies shade invites at night,
List, through the deep woods ring
Sweet voices murmuring
Remember!
Remember, when fate's cruel hand has broken
For aye the tie that bound my life with thine;
When, with long years and exile, grief un
spoken
Despairing heart and blasted hopes are mine.
Think of my sad love, think of my last adieu.
Absence and the time are naught when love
is true,
Long as my heart shall beat
Ever it shall repeat
Remember!
Remember, when beneath the cold ground
lying,
My broken heart forever is at rest.
Remember, when some lonely flower is trying
Its petals soft to open on mv breast,
Thou wilt not see me; but my soul, set free,
Faithful in death, shall still return to thee.
Then hark to the sad moans
Of a deep voice that groans,
Remember!
—Alfred De Musset.
THE SUBSTITUTE
The Rev. 51 r. Pennell, pastor of the
First Society, Brookville, entered his
house one afternoon in July with an ex
pression upon his countenance so unlike
the look of weariness generally there
visible that his wife, noticing it, in
quired :
“What has occurred that has afforded
you such evident gratification?”
“You know that I was wishing that I
might have a temporary relief from my
cares, but was unwilling to take a vaca
tion because of my belief that no church
should, even for one Sunday, be without
preaching?”
“Yes, and I know that you owe it to
your people, not less than to yourself, to
rest lrom your labors; so doing you
could accomplish much more. Have
you decided to go away for a season?”
“Read that,” he replied, passing a
letter to his wife.
She unfolded the missive, whose con
tents were:
C —, N. YL, July 12,18—.
Dear Brother Pennell— You will be
surprised at hearing from your former class
mate in Andover, between whom and your
self there has never been any correspondence;
but a few won Is will render all comprehensi
ble. From my remembrance of your views
respecting the duties of a pastor, and from
what 1 have heard of your faithfulness, I
apprehend that you would not sacrifice what
you, perhaps unwisely, regard the welfare of
your people to your physical and of course
mental health and strength.
A young man whom 1 consider very gifted
has been studying with me for nearly two
years, and would like to preach a few Sun
days experimentally. Provided you wish to
be absent from your charge for a month or
six weeks, my friend will gladly supply your
pulpit during that time, for no other com
pensation than his Board. If, however, you
shad choose to make him atrifiing donation,it
will bo very acceptable, as he has to provide
for himself entirely.
I shall Be absent from home until the mid
dle of September, so if you think proper to
accept my suggestion, please write to Mr.
Thomas Smith, Boston, whither he is going
to visit friends, on receipt of this. v\ r ith
kindest wishes, Fraternally yours,
William Blake.
“You will avail yourself of this oppor
tunity to recuperate your energies?”
asked Mrs. Pennell, having finished the
letter.
“I shall. It seems too much like a dis
pensatisn of Providence to be neglected.”
“1 am so glad.”
Mr. PenneJij. went to his library and
wrote to Mr. %.iith, mentioning the let
ter from “Brother” Blake, and inviting
him to substitute for him the coming six
weeks.
Three days later Mr. Smith came to
Brookville.
He was of medium height, slight, pale
faced; had long, abundant whiskers,
worn a l’Anglais, curly hair of the same
hue; blue eyes, that were sharp, in
quisitive, penetrating: regular features;
was evidently not far from 25.
The following Sunday he occupied a
seat in the pulpit with Mr. Pennell, but
took no part in the exercises, except to
offer the closing prayer.
At the conclusion of the morning
service—the only one for the day—the
pastor introduced him to the more
prominent members, with the remark—
it soon became stereotyped:
“Mr. Smith will preach for me while I
am having the vacation which it appears
to be my duty to take, and I think you will
have no reason to regret the temporary
change.”
Every one expressed his pleasure at
hearing that Mr. Pennell had concluded
to rest; no one doubted but that Mr.
Smith would satisfactorily meet all re
quirements.
Indeed, the new comer had already
done much toward securing the favor of
those who were to constitute his congre
gation.
“What a fervent prayer! How earnest
he seems! He is destined to become dis
tinguished,” and other like observations
might have been heard, sotto voce,
from the elderly people.
The maidens whispered to one an
other: “Did you ever see such side
whiskers? What magnificent eyes he
has! Isn't he fine looking?” and so on.
The next kabbath the subject of his
discourse was: “I was a stranger and ye
took me in.” As a literary production
it was masterly, and it was delivered in
a manner that held the audience spell
bound.
When he descended from the pulpit,
an old man, whose frame was bowed,
whose hair was silvered with age, ex
tended his hand, and said tremulously:
“Brother Smith, in my more than
eighty years I have never heard so excel
lent a sermon as yours.”
“Thank you,” returned Mr. Smith.
“Y’our kind words are encouraging”—
and a blush suffused his face.
From that time his praises were on
every lip. People who were noted Sab
bath breakers went to hear him; the
prayer meeting had an attendance larger
than it had ever before known, the
“sewing circle,” usually discontinued
through the hot months, was reorgan
ized, and of it he was the moving spirit.
The young men liked him: the young
women—married as well as single
fairly adored him.
With reference to the gentler sox, he
acted circumspectly, being courteous
toward all, but manifesting no favoritism
to any of them. In a fortnight he was
as popular as a clergyman could desire to
be.
“ I should like to ask a great favor of
you,” he said to Mr. Campbell, cashier
of the local bank, a “pillar” of the
church, as he sat in conversation one
evening.
“ Do not hesitate to ask any favor
which it is in my power to grant,” was
the reply.
“It is not exactly the thing for an
humble servant of the Lord to wear this
ring”—extending his shapely white
hand, whereupon sparkled a large dia
mond. “It indicates a taste for display,
that, commendable with the rich, is rep
rehensible where the wearer is poor and
titting for the vocation that is to be mine.
I do not wear it as a matter of display,
however, but because it is an heirloom,
from which I have been unwilling to
part in the season of my direst need. The
people cannot know my motive in having
it appear upon my person, and will
probably misapprehend it. I would ask
if you are willing to give it a place in
your safe at the bank?”
“Most assuredly. Carry it there in
the morning, and 1 will deposit it where
it wil 1 be secure.”
“ Thank you. My mind is relieved of
a great responsibility.”
The next morning he went to the
bank and saw his ring placed where Mr.
Campbell convinced him it would be
“ secure.”
After an absence of five weeks Mr.
Pennell returned to his charge, and Mr.
Smith went from Brookviile to a small
village in .Maine, where he was engaged
to preach for a short time, he said.
There was a wide and deep regret at
his departure, and not a few of the mem
bers—especially those who had joined
under liis administration—freely ex
pressed their wish that the “lay
preacher” might continue to substitute
for the regular pastor, whom such re
marks reached and deeply grieved.
Finally matters settled into their
former channel, and moved on peace
fully for the greater part, though not
without an occasional disturbance, such
as the parish had not known prior to the
advent of Mr. Smith.
Toward the close of September a panic
was created in the place by the rumor
that the bank had been burglari ed to
the amount of nearly soo,ooo—a rumor
that proved true.
The day that this announcement was
made Mr. Smith again came to Brook
ville to obtain the ring, which he had
thought best should remain in the safe
while he wa< away.
Despite the gloom of those who had
suffered by the burglary, they were glad
to see him, and, learning his loss, were
so sorry as almost to forget their own.
“Though the intrinsic value of the
ring was considerable, I valued it chiefly
because it had been in our family so
many years—handed down from one to
another generation,” he said, “but my
loss does not deserve mention, with that
wdiich some of you have experienced. It
does make me feel a personal interest in
the affair” —this to the directors and de
positors— “and I would suggest that you
at once telegraph to New York for Mr.
in America. I regret my inability to re
main and learn the result of your inves
tigation. If you succeed in recovering
the stolen property, 1 shall appreciate
your kindness if you express the ring at
once to me at Rochester, N. Y.”
Mr. Campbell promised to do so. Mr.
Sgiith thanked him and was gone.
The detective named was summoned
by telegraph; and within twelve hours
arrived in Brookviile. To him the
President stated all the facts in the case,
of which the officer made memoranda.
Then, as if in verification of these state
ments : .
“The door of the bank was locked
when you reached it?” he said, interoga
tivelv.
“It was.” returned Mr. Campbell.
“The safe was also locked?”
“Yes,”
“The windows were fastened same as
usual?”
“They were.”
“Who knows the combination that
you use on your safe?”
“No one but myself.”
“Have you ever committed it to pa
per?”
“I have. And that paper is now in a
sea : ed package, holden by my attorney,
and to be opened only in case of illness
that renders me unconscious or my
death.”
“Do you know that the package has
never been tampered with?”
“I suppose that it has not. Will learn
shortly.” And he wrote a note which
he sent to his attorney.
“No suspicious person has been in the
village recently?”
“Not that I am aware of.”
The officer began the examination of
the premises, frequently referring to his
memoranda. Meanwhile a sealed pack
age was handdd to Mr. Campbell, who,
opening it, said:
“The paper is unmolested.”
“Are you sure you have never acci
drntally disclosed the combination to
any one —that no one lias ever been
near you when you have opened the
safe?”
“The only person who has ever been
near me when I have opened the safe,
with the exception of the officials, is the
gentleman who substituted for our pas
tor this summer.”
“And how did he happen to be near
you then.”
“He came to leave a valuable ring for
safe keeping.”
“You opened the safe in his presence,
and he unsuccessfully tried to open it
after you?”
“Yes,” in astonishment.
“Describe his personal appearance.” |
Mr. Campbell did so.
“That is all for the present,” remarked
the officer.
Four days elapsed, during which the
detective seemed to give the case no con
sideration, devoting his time with this,
that and the other one, on any subject
except the burglary. Then he went to
Mr. Campbell.
“Your description,” be said, “of the
gentleman who substituted for your
pastor this summer tallied so nicely with
a burglar who has operated in the West 5
that I at once made up my mind that
the two were identical.”
Mr. Campbell gave a start.
“Leaving you, I called upon Mr. Pen
nell. and learned the name of the clergy
man by whose recommendation Mr.
Smith came here. To this minister I
immediately wrote. The reply is”—read
ing a letter:
C , N. Y., Oct. 2,18—.
Dkar Sir: —ln answer to yours just at hand
would say: I know no one by the name of
Thomas Smith: never had a student; never
wrote to Brother Pennell. The evening be
fore I left home, last July, a yoang man. in
all respects like the one you describe, called
on me and asked me innumerable questions
concerning Brother Pennell—so many and so
strange that I wondered at it. I intended t#
write Brother P. about this man, but neglect
ed it so long that I deemed it best not to
write at all. Wish now that I had, as it
would have prevented tho imposition which
has been practised upon an esteemed co
worker ana his people. Yours respectfully,
William Blake.
Mr. Campbell was too much astonished
to speak.
“Probably this man Smith—or what
ever h.s name may be—learning that
your bank did an immense business, re
solved to burglarize it long ago. con
tinued the officer, just how he chanced
to adopt the clerical robe I cannot say,
but, having determined upon it, he could
easily tind the name of some one who
was your pastor’s classmate at the theo
logical seminary, by consulting the cata
logues of the institution for various years.
Fortune favored him in selecting Mr.
Blake. He had never corresponded with
Mr. Pennell, but was thoroughly versed
in his ways. This circumstance enabled
Smith to write to your pastor, with no
fear of detection by reason of the pen
manship. The time of writing was also
opportune, as Mr. Blake was on the point
of leaving home, and Mr. Pennell could
not write to him couceruing the would-be
substitute.
“The ring —it may or may not have
been worth something—was the ruse by
w T hich he gained a knowledge of your
combination. When you opened the
safe he learned the number that you used,
and his unsuccessful attempt to open it
after you was a mere ‘blind.’ Of course,
to obtain an entrance to the building
was an easy matter to him. I shall this
very clay go in pursuit of him, and my
advice is, say nothing of what I have
told you to any one except the directors,
more than that I have obtained a clew to
the perpetrator of the deed, until you
hear from me.”
Farlv in December Mr. Campbell re
ceived a telegram from the detective in
New York, which contained the single
word: “Come.”
He went to that city, where he found
Thomas :Smith, alias various other names,
in custody, who made a full confession,
quite substantiating the officer’s suppo
sition, and restored all he had taken from
the bank save a few hundred dollars or
so.
When Mr. Campbell returned to
Brookviile with the stolen property
overy one was astonished. They were
more astonished on learning the true
character of the “lay preacher.”
“His first text should have been, ‘I
was a stranger and took ye in,’”
facetiously observed one of the church
members whom Mr. Smith had espe
cially pleased.
Since that time no one of his flock has
expressed any desire that another than
the Rev. Mr. Pennell administer to his
spiritual wants.— Hartford I'imes.
WISE WORDS.
May to-morrow be all you wish.
To know the new search the old.
Even a cur can bark at his own gate.
There is but one step from triumph to
ruin.
He is wise who can preach a short ser
mon.
It becomes a wise man to try negotia
tion before arms.
Fame comes only when deserved, and
then it is as inevitable as destiny.
The higher the rank the less pretence,
because there is less to pretend to.
If a man is fit to go higher he will
show it by beiii£ faithful where he is.
We expect other people to change their
opinions, yet cling tenaciously to our
own.
Be content with enough. Y’ou may
butter your bread so thick that you can’t
eat it.
We are taught and we teach by some
thing about us that never goes into lan
guage at all.
A man who lends money to his friends
shall never see either his friends or his
money again.
We generally hate those whom we
have iu.ured move than we do those who
have injured us.
There are words that strike even
harder than blows; and many may
“speak daggers,” though they use none.
A good many people know just what
is the matter with others, but never
found out what was the matter with
themselves.
The man who minds his own business
is never out of work, never out of
money, never out on a strike, and never
out of his head.
All that we possess of truth and wis
dom is a borrowed good. You will be
always poor if you do not possess the
only true riches.
A host of minds, of profoundest
thought, find nothing in the disclosure
of science to shake their faith in the
eternal verities of reason.
Two Heads That Do Not Agree.
Leighton Foster, Bennie Evans, and
Lewis Bishop spent Saturday in hunting
for turtles, snakes, toads, butterflies and
bugs along the banks of West River and
on the West River meadows. Among
other specimens captured was a turtle,
which has two distinct heads and necks,
both perfectly formed, and they move in
any direction. The turtle is ebout as
large as a silver half dollar. If a fly is
placed in the mouth of one head the
other immediately tries to seize the fly.
The turtle has considerable trouble in
walking, owing to the fact that the
heads at timps become possessed of the
idea of traveling in opposite directions.
This generally results in a struggle of
the feet and little progress. —New Haven
Palladium.
The Sun an Incendiary.
The Chemist and Druggist (London)
records the fact of a chemist shop just
opened at 1(5 High street, with show
bottles in the windows, which, acting as
a buring glass, set fire to the store. It
was discovered before much damage was
done, but serves as another warning
against placing show bottles where the
sun can reach them in show windows.—
Sdereijic American.
FAIR CHARMER AND SWEET Plfi^
Her silken gown it rustles
And she goes down the stair
And in ail the place there’s ne’er a fac
One-half, one-half so fair. _ .
But oh! 1 saw her yesterday- "
And no one knew ’twas she-
When a little sick child looked up and smiljß
As she sat on my lady’s knee.
Her fan it flirts and flutters,
Her eyes grow bright—grow d
And all around no man is found
But thinks she thinks of him,
But oh! to her the best of all,
Though they be great and grand,
Are less than the sick whose smiles eoj
quick
At the touch of my lady's hand.
Her little shoe of satin
Peeps underneath her skirt—
And a foot so small ought never at all
To move in mire and dirt,
But oh! she goes among the po
And heavy hearts rejoice—
As they can tell who know he. weu-
To hear my lady’s voice.
Her glove is soft as feather
Upon the nestling dove;
Its touch so light I have no right
To think, to dream of love—
But oh! when, clad in simplest garb,
She goes where none may see,
I watch, and pray that some happy day
My lady may pity me.
— II. C. Banner.
HUMOR OF THE HAY.
Hum, sweet hum—The beehive.
Loud shoes—Those that squeak badly.
News of the weak—The hospital re
ports.
The latest thing out—Generally your
match.
The home stretch—A nap on the
lounge.
Two for a scent—A pair of blood
hounds.
Can a bank that can stand a loan be
called an infant industry?
When the young writer reads the re
views of his first work he often finds it
is a guyed book instead of a novel. Tht
Journalist.
Gentleman—“lf you will get my coat
done by Saturday I shall be forever in
debted to you.” Tailor—“Oh, if that’s
your game, it won’t be done.” — Siftings.
Luxuriant verdure decks the plains,
The clover sweet the sunshine fosters,
And now the browsing goat disdains
Tomato cans and circus posters.
—Boston Courier.
Down on the seashore a single wavf
from a pretty woman’s handkerchief will
attract more attention than all the wave*
of old ocean put together. Texas Sift
ings.
The porcupine is probably the best in
formed of all the animals. He can give
you more points than you will know
what to do with in a week.— Burlington
Free Press.
“And so the ice cream season is again
upon us, George, she said shyly. “Yes,’*
he responded. “I never pick up a paper
now that I do not expect to find some
awful case of poisoning ” —The Epoch.
Beneath a ripe persimmon-tree
Two learned lawyers chanced to be.
‘•Climb,” said the first: “I’ll catch—you toss
’em
But t’other shook his head: “A r o/i possumP*
Etiquette—lt is correct to address the
Lords of the Admiralty collectively as
“My Lords,” but it would be equally
appropriate to add: “I hope your War
ships are getting along satisfactorily.”—
Punch.
Hotel clerks are popularly supposed
to own the biggest diamonds in the
country, but this is not so. Baseball!
diamonds are the biggest things just
now in the public eye.—Rochester Post-
Express.
A Pennsylvania man who had a land
slide of about a million tons come down
on his cow pasture, posted the following 1
sign on the debris: “A new lot just re-1
ceived. For sale cheap.”— Burlington l
Free Press.
Sir Morell Mackenzie’s work on “The
Voice” is a standard authority, and yet'
the distinguished physician failed to'
note one important fact, which is that ;
the voice cheers but does not inebriate.;
—New York Sun.
“A rose by any other name would smell as
sweet”—
A maxim quickened by Shakespeare’s
touch.
Alas, that Shakespeare did not tell us if
A rose by any other name would cost as
much!
“Dress,” said Smith, with all tho
force of an original idea, “ does not
make a man.” “No.” replied Jones,
gloomily 7 , as he fingered his wife’s dress
maker’s bill he had just received, “ but
it often breaks a man.” —New Yos/c Netos.
Bihold him a man once exalted in station,
Of friends and of future bereft
A few simple words solve the whole situa
tion;
He monkeyed with stocks and got left.
— Siftings.
As long as aerolites must fall, why do
they not come down over the hackman
who rings door-bells in the dead of the
night, and wants to kno y where No.
449£ is? It is too long to wait for fu
ture punishment in cases of this sort.—
Courier-Journal.
The breezes flit soft on the prairie,
The steamers ply free on the main,
Maud swings on the gate like a fairy,
And summer’s come back once again.
—Duluth Parographer.
The man who has a brand-new type
writer, and leisure, and lots of linen
wove manuscript paper, cannot help
feeling thrt he has it in his power to
make a big literary reputation for him
pelf, if he can only think of something
to say.— New York News.
There was a young man in Cuba
Who was learning to play a tuba.
When the frail alto horn
Tooted loudly in scorn.
And provoked a rebellion in Cuba.
—Chicago News.
“He’s no better, doctor. You told
me to give him as much of the powder
as would lay on sixpence. I hadn’t six
pence, but I gave him as much as would
lie on five pennies and two
and it’s done him no good at all, at all.
—San Francscio News-Letter.
“I see,” said Mr. Ringfinger, of Phila
delphia, “that the tachyglosus hystrix
at the Zoo is dead. That is a sever®
loss.” “Cfh, well,” returned Mrs Ring
finger, “the Zoo is rich. They can send
round to John WauamaKer’s and get an
other. 1 hain’t got no symp’thy for them
folks.” — New York Sun.