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jfaatlc nfrns TRENTCSJ, GEORGIA. The Gorman Emperor has decided to change uniform of his army. There are 904 colored taxpayers in Charleston, S. C , against 871 in 18G0, and they pay two per cont. of the total taxes. English naval manoeuvres cost $500,- 000 and prove, says the British Army and Navy Gazette, that “the navy is good for nothing.’ 1 A comparison of church incomes fhows that that of Dr. John Ilall of New York is the largest, having an in come of nearly $150,000. The next largest Dr. "Whyte’s, Free St. George’s, Eiinburgh. Its incom :is $50,000. Two young Germans in Berlin fought a duel with tricycles. Starting at 800 yards apart, they charged full tilt against each other, with slight injury to themselves and serious hurts to their machines. Their honor was satis fed. The arrangement of a pension for the •widow of General Sheridan points the fact that the widows of four of our Pres idents—Polk, Tyler, Grant and Gar field—are receiving the government re membrance of SSOOO a year each, whilo the widows of three Major-Generals— Blair, Hancock and Logan—are receiv ing S2OOO. The idea of threshing corn by ma chinery is more popular in theory, as serts the American Cultivator, than in practice. It is well enough to talk of put ting through several hundred bushels per day and tearing the cornstalks to shreds; but it will use more coal to run the engine, and requiro a heavier force to handle cornstalks and grain than is ever got around a thresher on any other kind of grain. Says the New York Graphic: “In the midst of the examples of human hero ism among those earing for the dead and dying at Jacksonville, the depravity of some wretch without a soul had to break forth. Whilo the sisters in charge of an orphanage in the city were nursing the sick, the cash box of their institution was wrenched open and all their little savings carried awnv. This is one of tho occasions when the ordi nary dictionary words in tho English language fail to express one’s feelings and cover the case.” W. P. Taulbee, of Kentucky, ac cording to the New York World, repre sents the largest Congressional district in the country. It is composed of twenty-one counties, and extends from the famous Blue Grass region to Cum berland Gap, a distance of over two hundred miles. It is a backwoods dis trict, without railroad or telegraph com munication, and is canvassed by the can didate for Congressional honors on horseback, over the roughest kind of mountain roads. Mr. Taulbee is not a Candidate for re-election. One of the most remarkable careers that history records was concluded, ob serves the New York Telegram, when Francois Achille Bazaino, who rose from tho ranks to le a Marshal of France, and was sentenced to death for treason, to live 20 years afterward in exile and disgrace, died in Madrid. And, while the majority of Fienchmon will probably always believe that Bi zaine’s punishment was deserved, there are not a few who consider his error to have been a fault of judgment rather than of patriotism, and that he suffered un justly. W Although working women as a class *are a product of later days, they al ready form a very noticeable percent age of the great body of workers of both sexes, while the annual increase of women entering upon some specific em ployment is remarkable. In Great Brit ain and Ireland alone there are some thing like 5,000,000 women who are regularly engaged in one or another of the numerous trades and professions— that is, tho number of working women in the British Isles i 3 equal to the entire population of Ireland and some.what in excess of that of Scotland and Wales combined. A recent publication of figures shows the amount of money at the disposal of Queen Victoria. The best source of income from the public purse appears to t, be £380,000 which she gets annually from the consolidated fund, but there are lots of other things, such as a little estate paying £20,000 a year; the million sterling to which the fortune left by tho late Prince Consort now amouuts; her own springs, which are notoriously enormou-, and numerous large pieces of property left by loyal subjects. Tho unfortunate fact, however, is that theso figures could probably be used in the Bouse of Commons to defeat a request which her Majesty will make for more "’’’""'•‘Ye keep tho Prince oi Wales and A CONFESSION. , Do you remember, little wife, How years ago we two together Saw naught but love illnmine Ilf In sunny days or winter wea^ Do you recall in younger years To part a day was bitter pain? Lore's light was hid in clouds of tears Till meeting cleared the sky again. Do you remember how we two Would stare into each other’s eyes, Till all the earth grew heavenly blue And speech was lost in happy sighs? Do you another thing recall, That used to happen often then: How, simply, passing in the hall. We’d stop to smiloand kiss again? Do you remember how I sat And, reading, held your hand in mine, Caressing it wi h gentle pat— One pat for every blessed line? Do you recall how at the play Through hours of agony we tarried? The lovers’ griefs brought us dismay; Oh, we rejoiced when they were married. And then walked homeward arm in arm, Beneath the crescent mooulet new, That smiled on us with silent charm; So glad that we were married too. Ah me, ’t was years and years ago When all this happened that I sing, Anri many a time the winter snow Hus slipped from olive slopes of spring. And now—oh, nonsense! let us tell; A fig for laugh of maids or men! You’ll hide your blushes.' I’ll not. Well— W e’re-tan times worse than wo were then. —W. J. Henderson , in the Century. DICK JOHNSON'S REVENGE, A SKETCII OF MORMON LIFE. They were the most contented fumi'y in the world. The father was by turns a prospector, a trapper, or a rancher, but he never succeeded in making a good living any way. He was a remarka bly handsome mountaineer, tall and strong, and he looked on honest labor as quite beneath him. His word was his bond; he contracted no debts that he could not pay; yet he often cut up a fat steer and divided the meat among his neighbors, who sent him vegetables and groceries in return, and never asked where the fat steer had come from, Her haps they knew. When a herd passed along tho dusty high-road the women smiled at each other and said: “Iguess we'll hev some fresh meat to morrow.” Sometimes he would drive into town with a team of high-stepping, smooth coated horses attached to his rusty old buckboard. Then his friends crowded about him, stroking the glossy necks, examining the white teeth, but no one in this little Mormon settlement ever thought of inquiring where he got them. Dick Johnson was the kindest of men to his friends and family, yet he had his record. lie would be lynched promptly if he should ever return to Montana; he had shot a bndgekeeper who demanded toll of him, and, altogether, the deaths of half a dozen men were caused by the well-known fact that “Ole Dick wuz mighty lively with his pistols when he got ’nuff whisky aboard.” His wife did not always have a good print dress to wear to town, the chil dren were seldom provided with shoes, but she always seemed contented and lazily happy, and there was not a mer rier set ot little ones. The mother was a fair-haired, blue-eyed woman, and the children all looked like her. “The children mostly awl look like me,” she would say, with an amiable smile; “awl of’em ’cept Caddie, aud I guess she looks more like her pa.” “You kin jest bet I do, and I’m mighty glad I haven’t no tow-head like these here young’uns,” Caddie would answer. She was a remarkably hand some girl, and people who admired her delicate, dark face, were always shocked when her coarse voice and coarser lang uage were heard. Of course, this ener getic girl ruled the whole family; the man, who, in spite of his strength and ferocity was as tender-hearted and simple minded as a child, the indolent, amiable woman, and the swarm of tow-headed children. Caddie had dreams of something dif ferent from the vagrant life that satis fied the rest of the family. Sometimes she saw herself a busy wife and mother, moving about the two or three rooms of a log farm house, with a few hardy flowers struggling for existence in the small front garden, with curreut bushes, strawberry vines, and flourishing vege tables surrounding the house, and with waving fields of gram stretching away to the dark mountains that bound these Western valleys. She confided these visions to her mother once. “I tell yer what, maw,” she said, “when I git married I h.iin’t a goiu’ to hev no sech a ferlorn ’doby shanty ez this here. It’ll hev to be a log house, aCd well plastered an’ whitewashed in side s,n’ out. An’ there’ll be the purtiest rag carpet on the front room floor you ever see, an’ a good board floor in the kitchen, too. An’ I’ll hev a likely colt to ride, an* some cows, so’s to hev lots of milk an’ butter, an’ yer bet yer life I’ll be boss o’ the hull ranch.” “Yew've always hed fine idees in yew’re head, Caddie,” drawled her mother; “an’ ef yew marries Bishop Burns, like yew’re pa wants yew tew, maybe he’ll giv’ yew a big house, but yew knew well enull that Dan Williams can’t do no sech thing fer ye.” ‘•Huhobserved Caddie. “Ef that bull-he.ided ole Burns ever conies a-shiniu’ ’round me be’ll get sech a crack in ’is jaw ’ll make him see stars, or else my name hain’t Cad .Johnson.” “Wall, I guess he’d better not risk it, then,” said the woman, with a feeble laugh. Yew’re pa’s a hitchin’ up the hosses, Caddie, an’ I reckon yew’d better pack thet there bit o’ butter in a box, an’ inebbe ole Burns ull give yew some shoes fef it ef yew’re real nice tew him.” “All right,” answered Caddie. “Look a-here, you Tom, I’ll kick you into the middle of next week if you don’t stop trvin’ to lasso that there pig. Come along here now, an’ git ycr face washed. We’re goin’ to the ‘Co-op.,’ an’ mebbe you’li git some candy ef you'll behave yourselves.” There was only one seat in the wagon, and on it sat Dick Johnson andhis wife, who held the baby in their arms. Caddie sat on the box in the back of the wagon, and the children rolled around her m the hay that was always taken along for tlm horses to eat whilo the women were trading in the Co-operative store and the man was drinking at the one saloon. The road ran along the bank of a river, whose gleaming breadths, seen at inter vals through the overhanging willows, together with the long sweep of green and brown and gold bunch-grass that bowed its tasseled heads as the breeze passed over it, waving like a many colored sea, away to the dark mountains with their snowy tops, formed a picture , almost sublime in it 3 perfect lovel ness. “That there grass is e’en a-most ready to cut,” remarked old Dick. “I guess I’ll borry the Bishop’s hay-rick to morrer, an’ go after a load o’ hay, an’ you youiig-ters kin come along an’ help stamp it, ef you want to.” The children set up a joyful shout, for this was a treat to them, as it would be to any one, to tumble about in the long grass, to fish for minnows in the cool, gurgling creek, to wade into it knee-deep for watercress, to pick tart, wild straw berries, and to eat all these delicacies with the sweet home-made bread and country batter. And after this delight ful day, how pleasant it was to roll in the sweet-smelling hay, with the bree/es cooling their sun-burned cheeks during the long ride home. The wagon drew up at last in front of the village store, aud the girl marshaled the children into the “Co-op.” with a good deal of forcible persuasion. “How de do, Sister Johnson,”said tho storekeeper, who was also the Mormon Bishop; “well, Caddie, I see you’re as fat and sarsy as you ever was.” Caddie stared at him scornfully, not because she was offended at his free lan guage, she was quite used to that; but this uncouth creature had as much nat ural coquetry as any other 15-year old girl. “How much be you pain’ fer tip-top butter nowf” she asked; “I’ll let you hev’ this here, ef you’ll giv’ me six bits a roll ter it.” “Oh, come now,” he said, “you don't want to do me out of all my profits like that. Seem’ it’s you, I’ll let ye hev t\vo bits a pound fer it, aud that’s more’n I’d do fer anybody else.” “VVeil,” said the girl, “I guess I’ll jest look at some shoes, and if I kin see a pa’r I like, I’ll jest take ’em for the butter.” Caddie’s mother had gone with her numerous offspring to visit a friend, and Caddie was left alone to do her trading. Her elderly admirer took advantage of this fact to plead his case with the hand some girl. “You've got a party face fer a gal of your size,” he said, as she tried on a pair ot calfskin shoes, declining all help from him. “Huh!” said the lady, too engrossed with her task to notice the compliment; “these here shoes tits kinder slick, but I don’t b’licve they’ll hold water w r heu the snow comes.” “Oh, they’ll hold water fast enough,” he answered; “but they ain’t half nice enough fer such a handsome gal. Now here’s a pa’r o’ kid shoes I’m savin’ fer my wife.” “Well,” asked Caddie, sharply, “then why don’t you give um to her? She' needs um bud enuff.” “Aow look a here, Cad,” he said, “that’s tom-foolishness, an’ you know it; Mirandy don’t want fer nothin’, an’ she don’t care about fineries, but mo3t girls does, an’ I tell you what, my sec ond’ll hev the nicest duds o’ any woman in town.” Caddie had put on her shoes again by #his time, aud she d.d not propose to listen to h m any longer. It would not be wise to quarrel with the Bishop, but she had no desire “to play second fiddle in no kind o’ music,” and she told him “Haw, haw, haw,” laughed, “I guess not. I kin jest see the way my ole woman ’ll hev to step around when you air Mrs. Burns. Bee here, Caddie,” he added, as she turned to go, “I want to talk to you, an’ you might jest as well listen now as enny other time. Vou know your pa went prospectin’ last year, an’ I furnished the grub fer the trip. | Well, he found a putty good claim, an’ now au eastern company's sent an expert out here to look at it, an’ like as not they’ll buy it. Well, one night yer pa got purty full here in town, and I got him to sign a bill o’ sale of the mine. Now he don’t know nothin’ ’bout the company, an’ he don’t know thet the paper he signed wuz a bill o’ sale. I’ve got agrubbin’ on the mine, ennyway,an’ I’ve got mines o’ m . own an’ money,too, an’ I wouldn’t mind givin’ this bill o’ sale to you if you’d be sensible an’ marry me, like your pa wants you to.” “I don’t b’lieve you've got no bill o’ 1 sale,” said the girl quietly; “show me the paper.” Her face was dark with anger. She | looked very pretty as she sat there in ! the dingy little store ou a long packing box; her glorious brown hair had been blown loose by the wind, her ragged sunborsnet hung by its strings around her neck, her blue eyes were bright with ex ! citement, and her brown cheeks glowed. The Bishop looked at her admiringly as he returned with the paper. She rose to her feet, and her slight, round figure | showed, even through the clumsy pink calico, its graceful curves. She moved round between him and the open door I of the stove, in which a wood fire burned, for the evenings are cold in these moun tain vil ages, aud then, as he read aloud, she suddenly snatched the paper and thiew it into the siove. He sprang for ward with an oath, but it was too late, and when he turned to look for the girl she was gone. The next day Dick Johnson rode up to the saioon, and gravely announced to the loungers there that he meant to shoot old Burns on sight, and that the said Burns had better have his gun handy. Then the injured man began to lortify himself with whLky for the ap proaching duel. “What's the matter with Burns ” asked one o 'the crowd ; ‘T alius thought that you wuz on the best kind o’ terms with the Bishop.” “Oh, he’s lived long enough, that's all,” answered old Dick; “an’ my arms air a-gittin’ rusty fer want o’ use.’ His enemy had been warned Dick was drunk enough to be dangerous, and so he thought there was no reason for wait ing any longer, and rising he slipped ; quietly out of the saloon and walked over to the “Co-op.” Arriving theie he stood near the door watching the proprietor, until the latter turned, when the (lands of both men flew to their ready pistols, and the shots rang was a dead shot, stood calmly looking at his victim. The murdered man’s wife out. The Bishop fell, and Dick, who ran in from her rooms behind the store and flung herself down beside the body with heart-rending shriek. Then the men from the saloon rushed in aud stood looking silently at the bleeding corpse and at the poor wife, who mourned the dead man as sincerely as though he had been the kindest of hus bands to her. Her pitiful sobbing aroused the sym pathies of the rough crowd, and they began to look angrily at the victor. One man pointed signficantlv to acoilofrope lying on the counter, but the rest looked at the revolver still grasped in the fallen man’s hand, and they shook their heads. Dick Johnson saw and understood and he quietly backed up against the wall, drew another six-shooter, aud pro ceeded to make his defence. He told the story of the bill of sale: “You see, boys, he swindled me. Nqw, you know, a man ain’t a-goin’ to be cheated l.ke that an’ not try to git revenge for it. I give him fair warnin’, he had his chance at me; I done it all up reg’lar, an’ there hain’t no call fer hard feelin’s ag n me. I’m sorry for her, but you know it ain’t my fault because her man was a scamp an’ needed killin’.” His revolvers helped him to make his peace. These men were not cowards, but they knew they could not take him alive armed in that way, and, besides, they thought his conduct quite proper, so he was promptly acquitted by this in formal jury and he went quietly home. Thus was rude justice done. Thus, too, was it that Caddie did not marry a Bishop, but became Dan Williams’s bride. —San Francisco Argonaut. Deluding Assayers. “Fardon me, sir; we allow no one in that room but the assayers.” I looked at the speaker with an expression of in jured innocence. He was the member of the great firm of chemists whose cer tificate as to the output of a mine would be worth a fortune if favorable. “Sorry to offend you, sir,” he continued, “but we assume that every man who comes in here is a knave.” This aroused my curiousitv, and I im proved the first opportunity to ask an expert assayer to explain these misan thropic sentiments. Dr. Ledoux, a fa mous chemist connected with the firm mentioned above, satisfied me that they were well founded. “We can hardly trust our own Senses,” he said. “I have known a sample of ore to yield a heavy percentage of gold when its owner was present at the test and none at all when he was absent. How can that be ? Well, in this instance I saw nothing wrong, but recently I was conducting an assay in the presence of the owner of the sample and noticed that he was chewing tobacco very vigorously and also going to the assay furnace to ex pectorate into the fire. Watching him narrowly i saw him spit into the crucible aud seizing him by the throat I forced out of his mouth the tobacco and along with it a quantity of gold dust, which he was attempting to get in the crucible —this way to make his assay run high. It would require very little gold thus added to an ounce of ore to make a dif ference of many hundreds of dollars per ton in the result. “We once sent an engineer to Colo rado to sample a silver mine,” said Dr. Ledoux. “He was entirely unmolested in,the performance of his duty and felt sure that he had a fair average sample. He took the precaution, however, to divide his sample into two lots, sending one lot by express and bringing the other with him in his trunk. Both samples arrived with their seals un broken, and the bags apparently intact, but when we came to assay them we found nearly double the amount of silver in those which had come by express. Investigation showed that somebody had punctured the bags which came by ex press witn the point of a syringe,and had squirted in among the ore a strong solu tion of nitrate of silver, which drying upon the ore, of course, added greatly to the assay. —Mail and Express. Origin of “God Save the Queen.” “There has been so much ado lately,” writes Mr. Edward St. John-Brenon, “about the Cork band refusing to play ‘God save the Queen’ at Olympia, it might interest your readers to learn some thing ef the origin of our national an them. The words, which were composed by Henry Carey, were of French inspira tion. In ‘The Memoirs of Madame de Gregny’ we find a canticle which used to be sung by the young ladies of St. Cyr whenever Louis KIV. (commonly called Le Grand Iloi) entered their chapel to hear morning mass. The words were written by a M. de Erenon, and the music by the celebrated composer, Lully, This was the first stanza: Grand Lieu sauve le Roil Grand Dieu vengele Roil Vive Je Roil Que toujours gloriaux, Louis victorieux, Voye ses enemies Toujours soumis. Grand Dieu sauve le Roi I Grand Dieu venge le lioil Vive leßoi! The earliest of the versions began ‘God save King James, our King.’ It is a qurious fact that in 1547 similar words were chanted before Edward VI. when he made his entry into London. In 1745, the year of the Stuart rebellion in Scot land, Dr. Burney tells us, it was gener ally the accepted opinion that this anthem was written and composed for the Catholic chapel of King James 11., whose right to the English throne the Irish so faithfully defended against William lll.”— Fail Mall Gazette. A Remedy for Rabies. A correspondent of the Milledgeville (Ga.) L nion-Recorder give the tollowing remedy for the bite of a mad dog with gratifying results: Elecampane is a plant well-known to most persons, and is to be found in many of our gardens. Immediately after be ing bitten take ounces of the root of the plant, the green root is perhaps pre ferable, but the dried will answer, and may be found in our drug stores, and was used by me. Slice or bruise, put into a pint of fresh milk, boil down to a half pint, strain, and when cold drink it, fasting at least six hours afterwards. The next morning repeat the dose, fast ing, using two ounces of the root. On the third morning take another dose, prepared as the last, and this will be sufficient. It is recoi mended that after each dose nothing be eaten for at least six hours. DEEP SEA EXPLORATIONS SUB-MARINE DIVERS AND TEEIh APPLIANCES. Dangers Encountered at. Great Depths—A Test ofCoolnoss anti Kiulu ranee—A Diver’s Outfit. Joseph Smith is one of the oldest and most experienced practical divers on tho Atlantic coast, and is at present work ing foreman in the only manufactory of diving apparatus in this part of thu country. What he does not know about matters pertaining to diving very few men know. What is the reason that man cannot accomplish the feat of sub-marine ex ploration ? The answer to this question, given by Mr. Smith and other old divers, is, that man doesn’t want to attempt it. Down to a certain depth the matter is compara tively easy. Almost any practical diver will go down to a distance of eighty or 100 feet and work there as coolly as on the surface. But at a greater depth than that there is something so weird and strange, so uncanny, augmented by the eternal stillness and the knowledge that if an accident should happen to the slender life line or string of hose that supplies air to the diver, he could never hope to rise again to the sur face, that few men have the nerve to undertake the decent. There have been descents and work performed on the bottom of the sea at a depth of 12,3 feet —some unauthenticated stories name 130 feet—but no diver can remain at that depth more than half an hour at a time. Besides the sensation, which is calculated to unnerve even a brave men, there are physical obstacles against remaining any longer. The chief of these is the di.ti culty of forcing air through the hose down to that depth. A steam pump has to be employed, and even then the air will only come,in gasps and sobs and intermittent puffs. The immense press sure of the water squeezes the hose to gether so that it can hardly be forced through. The pressure of water is so great about the diver’s body that it re quhes a stroug man to stand it, while the heat and perspiration induced inside the closed armor is something fearful. A good many divers who have ventured to great depths and remained down too long for their strength, have come up paralyzed. Have there been any improvements in diving armor of late years? None worth speaking of. The suit is practi cally the same now as when first used, a generation ago. It consists of a helmet, a diving dress, a set of belt weights, a pair of diving shoes with lead or iron soles, rubber mittens and other articles to correspond. The helmet is made of copper and bell metal, in order to be as light as possible, with glass five-six teenths of an inch thick for the three windows, which are guarded by wires across the outside. The dress is made of two plies of can vas with one ply of "rubber between. The air hose is made of rubber lined with canvas. This apparatus is now the same all the world over. Who first in vented it has been forgotten, if it was ever known. There are no patents upon it, but it hardly pay for many firms to engage in its manufacture, be cause the demand is so small. The sale of half a dozen suits and outfits a year is counted a pretty fair business, besides repairing. The cost of an outfit varies from S4OO to SIOOO. The co 4of an air pump varies from slbo to S3OO. This outfit is the same that has been manufactured here since 1851), and which about that time supplanted the diving bell. There ire a few diving bells still in existence, but they are never used because they are 50 unhandy. A person cannot move outside of them, but they have been used at a depth of 150 feet. Along the coast from Ma'ne to Florida there are probably not more than two hundred practical divers, men competent to take a job of work under water and perform it satisfactorily. There are probably two or three times that number who have worn diver’s armor and worked in shoal water. A good many armors are now employed for going through sewers and performing such work, the armor being more a protection against gas and foul air than from water. The Standard Oil Company employ some men to look after and repair its pipes which cross the bottom of rivers, and in which there are frequently breaks and leaks. But these men are not termed divers by the profession. The most famous piece of div ngwork done on this coast, perhaps, was at the wreck of the steamship Oregon, outside of Sandy Hook, about four years ago. Men worked there in IJ3 feet of water. Although the wreck lay in clear sea water, they found considerable difficulty owing to lack of lights. The appearance of objects was as though seen in a room at night lighted only by the stars shining through the windows, and most of the work had to be done by feeling. Elec tric lights were tried with some success, but it was too much trouble to carry them about and keep them in good posi tion for working by. At this depth the diver had to take half hour shifts. • At a depth of eighty feet, the ordinary diver will work all day and ask only to come up to his meals. —New York Com mercial Advertiser. Little Snake Stories. They are having a genuine scare about Warren, Ind., over a snake that steals chickens and even swallows small pigs. Samuel Weesner has seen it, and says it is at least fifteen feet long and as large as a man’s thigh. A well-developed snake, five inches long, may be seen in the eye of a mare belonging to T. E. Budd, of Carthage, N. Y. It is as large around as a horse hair and very active. It is held in a transparent sac which covers nearly the whole of the eye and which is filled with a light colored fluid. Two anacondas, that somehow or other got into the hold of the barken tine Emma E. Smith while she lay at a Brazilian port, completely rid that vessel of rats. A ringed snake, about three feet long, was captured alive over four miles out at sea off the English coast. A rattlesnake, eight feet long and sev. enteen inches in circumference, was killed by Frank Everitt near ltaleigh, N. C., just as it was about to strike at his three-year-old eon. SONG OF THE SEWING MACHINE,' Trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble, Hear the song I sing— Trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble, In these days of spring. Gowns are cut and lying by me, Ruffles, tucks and h6ms, they try me; Trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble, Hear the song I sing— Trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble, In these days of spring. My tensions are adjusted nicoly, My needles set just right; And like a greedy little monster My bobbin’s filled up quite. Now set my nickel foot clown flat— (My mistress, too, sometimes does that) Trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble, See my shuttle fly; Trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble, Happy, happy, II For here a secret let ma tell you: ’Tis not in idleness Nor ease we find true good the highest. From me a riddle guess; \\ hiie I trouble, I’m no trouble; Troubling not, I trouble double; Though I’m troubled, troubled, troubled, Yet me no trouble’s nigh: Trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble, O, who so gay as I? Trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble, Hear the song I sing— Trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble, In these days of spring; Gowns are cut and lying by me. Ruffles, tucks and hems, they try me; Trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble, Hear the song I sing. Trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble, In tho days of spring. —Good Housekeeping. HUMOR OF THE DAY. A scratch race—Barn-yard fowls. The suit department—A court-room. A prominent band—The engagement ring. Made of all work—Some women’s lives. » The toney girl—The soprano of the choir. The old notion that blood will tell is a vein conceit. The paper-hanger makes money by going to the wall. Saratoga is famous for spring water and Niagara for fail water. “He can take it out in tirade,” as the abusive man said of a creditor. If you want to know what a sliding scale is try to handle a wet fish. Possibly the most courteous of all the masts is the top-galiant.— Ocean. Figures never lie, but the context fre quently does. Burlington Free Press. TJ* man in the moon is doubtless married to the maid of green cheese.— Time. Time flies and stays for no man. The only fellow who can beat it is the musician. One of our fashionable tailors is build ing a yacht. It is to be a cutter, of course.— Ocean. Many young women who went to the watering places this year to secure titled husbands have returned quite crest fallen.—Mercury. It is a notable fact that however cleanly seamen may be on the water, they have a decided dislike to being washed ashore. Ocean. t An author, ridiculing the idea of ghosts, asks how a dead man can get into a locked room. Easy enough. With a skeleton key.— Mercury. My baby knows her alphabet As far as A and B, But she can get no farther yet, For there's a squall at C. — Ocean. Speaking of doughnuts, an exchangt says the quickest way to digest them is to eat only the hole and throw the rest away. Despite this suggestion, the whole of the doughnut will be eaten as usual. According to a scientific writer, “blue eyes are simply turbid media.” It sounds more poetical, though, to refer to a “blue-eyed girl,” than to call her a damsel with turbid media optics.— New York News. A Connecticut man has invented an “elastic hat.” This is truly one of the greatest inventions of the age. A hat that swells with the swelling head will supply a great and long-felt want. —New York Telegram. “Who is this Chinese Bill I read about as being in Congress so much?” asked Mrs. Snaggs. “Oh, he’s a brother of Buffalo Bill,” replied her husba..d, who then went on pursuing the baseball col umn.—Pittsburg Chronicle. Not Much Breakage.—“Oh, the Frenchman was very harshly treated. They threw him off the balcony into the street.” “They did? Well, was he hurt much? Anything broken?” “No thing but his English.”— Harper's Bazar. An exchange informs us that the Keely motor is still alive. Then why doesn’t it mote. As the man said when he read the epitaph on the tombstone: “I still live,” “Well, if 1 was dead, I wouldn’t be ashamed to own up to it.” — Boston Transcript. In Hartford, Conn., a jeweled casket was locked and given to the bride to be opened twenty-five years hence. We do hot know what it contained, and venture to say if the bride doesn’t it will be pried open with a pair’ of scissors within a week.— Jeweler's Weekly. A Newark man noticed an advertise ment ln9t week in which it was set forth that the advertiser would impart the secret of living for the small sum of sl. He sent the money and received a reply containing two words. They were: “Don’t die.”— Newark Journal. Little boy— “Mamma, what does this mean: ‘Never judge a man by his clothes?’” Mamma —“Oh, it means that men haven’t sense enough to se.ect clothes, and it’s always hit or miss with ’em. Women folks are the only ones that can be judged by their clothes.”— Philadelphia Record. It broke the engagement.—Young Spinckie (referring to the evening being chilly)—“You should have brought something that would have been a pro tection to you.” Miss Croonall—“) es, I should have thought of that. Ma said there were so many tramps around here after dark,” — Judge.