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BUDGET OF FUN.
HUMOROUS SKETCHES FROM
VARIOUS SOURCES.
Two Men—What Ho Does—Merit of
a Kind—Knows Himself Too
Well—Keep the Blood
Healthy, Etc., Etc.
Who is the man that who >ps arouui,
And makes the vaulted blue resound;
Who seems to have so much at stake
That politics meaus make or break?
He is—the worry wrecks him fast—
The man who has a vote to cast.
Who is the man that sweetly smiles
And pleasantly his time beguiles;
Who And chats simply makes a speech or two is through?
aud smokes when he
He is the man about whose fate
The others shout—the candidate.
—Washington Star.
WHAT HE DOES.
“That fellow never does anything,
does he?”
“He does time occasionally.”—Yan¬
kee Blade.
KNOWS HTM3ELF TOO WELL.
“Poor Jimpson has no confidence in
himself."
“No wonder. He say3 he knows him¬
self.”—Yankee Blade.
KEEP THE BLOOD HEALTHY.
“What should one do to appear well
in society?"
“Take a good blood purifier."—Yan¬
kee Blade.
AN IRREGULAR VERB.
Governess—“What is the future of
the verb ‘to love,’ Mary?”
Pupil (after a pause)—“To marry,
Miss Jones.”—Tid-Bits.
NOT Ills BUSINESS GAIT.
“Hi, Cbimmey," said a messenger boy
to another, “where yer runnin’ to?”
“No place. I ain’t got nothing to do
jes’ now.”—Washington Star.
MERIT QFA KIND.
Scribblems—“Which do you think is
the best of my short stories?"
Criticus—“The shortest, by all
means.”—Chicago News Record.
THE BILL SHE HAD BEEN RUNNING.
Father—“This milliner’s bill is out¬
rageous. I won’t stand it.”
Daughter—“You needn’t papa. I
simply want you to foot it."—Yankee
Blade.
A MENTAL FRACTION.
“Why does Billings wear his hat on
one side of his head?"
“To preserve the balance with the
side where he has his brains."—Chicago
News Record.
HAUGHTY MENIALS.
“Now, in all the scenery that you re¬
call between here and California, what
do you consider the most imposing?”
“The Pullman car porter.”—Chicago
Xnter-Oceau.
WORTH THE PRICE.
Patron (in the restaurant)—“This cof¬
fee is nothing but hot water with a fla¬
vor!”
Waiter—“But, sir, the water is pure. ”
—Chicago News Record.
wouldn’t come down.
Jake (looking: frightened, hearing a
noise above)—“Do you thing your papa
will come down?"
Cora—“Not with a cent, he says, if I
take you.”—Yankee Blade.
A CHANGE OF COLOR.
“Did you read in the paper,” said the
milkman, “about a person that put Paris
green in a family’s milk?”
“Maybe,” said the cook, “they got
tired of seem’ their milk blue.”
FAINT PRAISE,
Edwin—“Do you think your father
approves of me?”
j? Angelina—“Oh, yes! He said he
[ao Jffiought that perhaps, after all, I might
worse."—New York Herald. , _
CHARLIE'S CL'EVER REPLY.
Kind Father—“Children, if the clock
struct fourteen, what time would it be?”
Logical Louise—“Two o’clock, papa.”
Clever Charlie—“Time to get the
dock fixed."—New York Herald.
A NATURAL MISTAKE.
At the parlor musicale.
“Hark, what was that? Some one
must be in pain.”
“O, no. That’s Miss Willowisp in a
new song.”—Chicago News Record.
.TUST BEGINNING.
At the campaign meeting.
“How much longer is that orator gq
in’ to orate?’,
“A good while. He’s only got to
“in conclusion” yet.—Chicago News
Record.
HERBERT WAS BARRED OUT.
“But, papa," sho said reproachfully,
“you know Herbert ha3 an income.”
“Not at this house if I can help it,”
replied the old gentleman firmly. “All
Herbert has here is an out-go.”—Wash
ington Star.
THE STUMBLING BLOCK.
Pater—“Emmeline, there are rumors
about. Come, now, is there really any¬
thing between you and that good-for
nothing Jack Tallboys?"
Emmeline—“Yes, pa; but it’s only
you.”—Tid-Bits.
nOPED IT RAN IN THE FAMILY.
“I hope you appreciate the fact, sir,
that in marrying my daughter you mar¬
ry a large-hearted, generous girl.”
“I do, sir, (with emotion) aud I hope
she inherits those qualities from her
father.’’—Brooklyn Life.
UNAPPRECIATED.
Benevoleut Old Aristocrat (to tramp)
—“Here’s a penny for you, my poor fel¬
low."
Waggins (the tramp, with profound
satire)—“Tank ye, ser. But ain’t you
got no change?”—Chicago News Re¬
cord.
NO MAKE-UP REQUIRED.
Weary Wiggins—“I’ve been insulted."
Tired Traddles “Who insulted yer?”
Weary Wiggins—“That mud-stained
old granger over there offered me twen¬
ty-five cents a day to pose fur a scare¬
crow in his corn patch.”—New York
Herald.
HOW IIE KNEW.
Teacher (in class in physiology)—
“How many bone3 in your body
Johnny?"
Johnny—“About a million.”
“What?"
“Yes; I eat a shad this rpornin’ "—
Yankee Blade.
A DARING MISTAKE.
Miss Maudie—“Aud so I refused him
on the grouud that I am too young to
marry.”
Chorus of Miss Maudie’s Friends—
“Oh, you clever girl! Who else would
have thought of that excuse from you."
—Chicago Record.
A SQUARE MAN.
“I never heard of such a strange
thing l” said Mrs. Bosstin.
“What was it?" inquired the young
woman whom she was visiting.
“A rectangular human being l A young
man just told me that a friend of his
was perfectly square.”—Washington
Star.
THE HEAD OF XHF. FAMILY.
Mr. Wooher—“Do you consent, dear¬
est?"
Miss Heapeck—“Yes, Charles, I do."
Mr. Wooher—“Oh, my darling, I shall
go at once to your father.”
Miss Henpeck—“I—I think, Charles,
you had better see mother.”—New York
Press.
THE GREAT OBSTACLE.
Perdita—“Well, Jack and I are to be
married at last, and we are so happy."
Penelope—“Did trouble you and Jack have
much getting your father’s con¬
sent?"
* Perdita—“No j but papa and I had an
awful lot of trouble getting Jack’s con¬
HIS NATIVITY.
Affable Landlady (to her new artist
lodger)—“And I suppose, sir, you comes
from abroad?”
Foreign Lodger—“Sot I gome vrom
Austria.”
A. F.—“Do you, hiudeed, sir? From
Hostria? Ah! now that’s where the
hostriehes come from, I suppose?"—
Punch,
AN IRRESISTABLE ARGUMENT.
Mr. Wickwire—“But, my dear, you
are so pretty that I really cannot see how
your beauty needs any addition in the
shape of such expensive finery as you
wish.”
Mrs. Wickwire—“No, I am not. If
I were as pretty as jou pretend I am, I
would not havo to argue so long to get a
new drejjs."—Indianapolis Journal.
ENTERPRISE.
Merchant—“James, you might as well
call round to the glazier’s and ask him
to come and put in a pane of glass.”
James—“Yes, sir."
Merclnnt—“And while you are out
you might call at tho painter’s and got
some large signs painted announcing a
large mark-down sale during alterations
and repairs. I’ll get up an ad. for tho
papers."—Yankee Blade.
HE WAS EXTRAVAGANT.
Mrs. Bronson—“What, been getting
yourself another $8 hat? Charley, you’re
too extravagant altogether.”
Mr. Bronson (penitently)—“I’m’fraid
you're right, Mary. And I won’t do it
again. Truly I won’t."
Mrs. Bronson (breaking into tear3)—
“And you forgot all about that new $35
bonnet I wanted you to bring down."—
Chicago News Record.
Suppress The Sparrows.
If you want to know tho European
sparrow get Bulletin No. 1, a 400-page
pamphlet issued by the Government ad¬
viser, E. S. Gilbert. One writer thinks
there is room in this broad land for the
sparrow, and asks why Europe does uot
fight them if he is such a nuisance. Be¬
cause they know such fighting is per¬
fectly hopeless, in fact, l suppose it is
here. We might as well say we like
him, forever and a day. But if we had
only known enough to keep us from im¬
porting him! The bulletin, gathering
evidence from the whole country, shows
that he has developed a tooth for the
fruits, vegetables, grains and seeds
of every section, from Nova Scotia to
California, that he good displaces our native
birds, and does no whatever.
Only the young in the nest eat insects
to amount to anything, and their con¬
stant yelp where numerous is distract¬
ing. Twice only has the sparrow tried
to nest on my premises, and as soon as
the squealing of the youug showed which
swallow’s nest they were in, a stone
brought it down, aud then the old oues
left for the season. This is the way to
keep them in check; if not allowed to
to raise young they will not increase very
fast. The noise of the nestlings makes it
very easy to locate them. This is better
than trying to shoot the old oues; gun3
drive away and endanger other birds. If
every householder see3 to it that no young
sparrows are raised about his place, the
question, if uot solved, will be simpli¬
fied.—New York Tribune.
London’s Political System.
“Nothing of all I saw in Europe,"
said Mr. II. W. Crawford to the Cin¬
cinnati Tiraes-Star, “impressed me more
than the splendid police system of Lon¬
don. The street in front of the Bank of
England is crowded as you never see a
street crowded here, but the multitude
pass without interruption or entangle¬
ment. The police stand in the midst of
tho crowd of vehicles aud are supreme
in authority. If an officer tolls a cappy
to stop, he stops. If he orders him to
move on, he moves ou, and tho luckless
driver who by accident or design brushes
an officer with his wheel finds himself
deprived of a license tho following day.
In America it would be impossible to
establish such a respect for authority,
but it is a good thiug in its way. I
I have seen more scrapping on the streets
of Cincinnati in two days than I saw ii*
three mouths iu the European cities.”
BETTER THAN PURE OOLQ
For love and wealth, fame, peace and health
Mankind lias striven
5>inca Eve was driven
With Adam from the garden fair
To struggle through a world of caret
The forces these
That ever pleas?.
That make for mortal happiness,
Who gets the first is not accurst,
Though lacking all the rost;
And happy he, whoe'er he be
Whom with all these the gods shall bless,
1 have no wealth.
No love, no health.
And yet count me truly oiest.
Oh, happy we as we eau be.
No more shall bitter strife embrute u%
For, after years
Of fights and tears,
We've got a hired maid to suit us.
—Detroit Tribune.
FITII AND POINT.
The mother tongue is probably th«
language of Mars. — Statesman.
Generally a slow match—A bashful
young man’s courtship.—Drake’s Maga¬
zine.
It’s a queer man who wouldn’t rather
feel liis oats than his corns,—Phila¬
delphia Times.
A prize fight is called a “mill" be¬
cause the other fellow is reduced to pulp.
Baltimore American.
Tbeie are men who tiro themselves
almost to death looking for any easy
place.—Ram’s Horn.
Love’s labor lost—A second husband
going on a time with his wife’s first
husband’s insurance money.—Capo Ood
Item.
The man whose gate is off the hinges
can talk by the hour explaining why
somebody else doesn't prosper—Ram’s
Horn.
“lie belongs to the smart set.” ‘I
presume so. He’s a fool "—Yankee
Blade.
Why not make the cact“ 11
flower? It has more 1
any yet mentioned.
Ocean.
In oue respect the north pole is like a
woman’s pocket. Very likely it is there,
but no man could ever find it.—Inland
Printer.
“Why can’t I marry the, duke, papal
Ilis titles arc all right.” “Yes, but his
deeds are all wrong.”—Philadelphia
Record.
Orator—“And now, my friends, one
word more." Reporter (to boy)—“Bring
me a lot more paper, quick."—Boston
Bulletin.
Tbe office ought to seek the inau,
Alas! it pays small hee l to
This rather brain-fatiguing plan.
It finds it doesn’t need to.
—Washington Star.
Youug Lady (in candy store)—“1
don't like this candy. It has begun to
melt already." Coufectiouer—“Nt
wonder, young lady, with those liquid
eyes of yours over it." “Six pounds,
please."—New York Truth.
Visitor—“Is that your little son in
the next room whistling “I Want to be a
Soldier of the Cross?’ Fond Mother
(making for the door)—“Yes, he’s trying
to drown out the sound of the key in the
pantry lock.”—New York Herald.
He (salesman)—“Dear little hand (ab¬
sent-mindedly), 1 wonder if it will
wash?" She (conspirito) — “No, sir, it
won’t—nor it won’t scrub, either—but
if you want it to play tho piano, it’s
yours, George.”—Life’s Calendar.
Thomas—“Uncle, I would like to
boriow a few hundred dollars to keep
me going while l complete my iaw
studies." Uncle Moneybags—“Dly dear
Thomas, you are a modest youug man,
and there are Uvo tilings a modest young
should never attorn; A —one is to borrow
money, uud the other is to study law."—.
1’exas Siftings.
The Brute— “Doctor, what is the
meaning of the peculiar !orr >tion iust
behind a baby's car?" usi. > a fold
mother. “Combativeness, perha; s,
madam," replied the doctor. “Why,
someone said it was lovo of domestic
life," said the mother. “Oh, weU, it
all one and the same thingf” rejomr
tho cynical medical mau.—Drak
Magazine,
