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14
Tun Tiy the Way
THE MARKET.
Tumble, tumble, little stocks,
As the market feels and rocks;
Once folks called to you, “By By”!
As your values went sky-high.
Bellow, bellow, little bulls,
Now you’ve lost your ready pulls;
But think twice of your intent
Thus to gore the President.
Growl, growl, little bears,
Keep on throwing lots of scares;
Hug delusions in the crash,
That the country’s gone to smash.
Gambol, gambol, little lambs,
Shut your purses tight as clams;
Don’t attempt to join the run,
You stand by and watch the fun.
But ’tis plain the reason why
All things seem but rock and wry,
Why the markets, reeling, fight;
’Tis because the money’s tight.
—Baltimore American.
PUNISHMENT TO FIT THE CRIME.
When Congressman Small was a
young lawyer he was once arguing a
case before a country magistrate.
“Why,” said Mr. Smail, “the man at
the bar, Jones, would just as soon
kill me right here before your faces
as not.”
The old magistrate slowly took out
his spectacles, put them on, and peer
ed over to get a good look at the des
perate Jones. Then he pointed his
finger at him, and said, “You, Bill
Jones, if you kill John H. Small here
before me I’ll fine you one dollar and
fifty cents for contempt of court, durn
my soul if I don’t!” —R. J. H., in Wo
man’s Home Companion for March.
GAVE HERSELF AWAY.
There is a lady in Richmond who
has in her employ a darky servant of
a most curious disposition.
“Did the postman leave any letters,
Lilly?” the mistress asked on one oc
casion on returning from a call in the
neighboor.
“There ain’t nothin’ but a postal
card, ma’am,” said Lilly.
“Whom is it from?” asked the mis
tress craftily.
“ ’Deed I don’t know, ma’am,” said
Lilly, with an air of entire innocence.
“Well, anyone that sends me a mes
sage on a postal is either very stupid
or impertinent,” suggested the lady
of the house.
“Excuse me, ma’am,” said Lilly,
“but that ain’t no way to talk ’bout yo’
mother!”
ESSAYS ON ALCOHOL.
Nearly 6,000 children in an English
school district recently contributed es
says on “Physical Deterioration and
Alcohol.” Here are some of the best:
“Alcohol is useful, but not in the
body. It is useful for polishing furni
ture.”
“I hope I never touch drink till I am
dead.”
“A man who takes alcoholic drinks
can see two things at once.”
“The children of drunkards are oft
en weak, and are sometimes troubled
with being bow-legged.”
“Those who take drink are not so
broad-chested as they were 100 years
ago.”
“When a man is ill the doctor will
say, ‘Are you a drinker of alcohol?”
And if he says ‘Yes,’ the doctor will
say, ‘That is what has made you ill;
you have a fatty liver.’ ”
“The more temporary we live, the
better for body and mind.”
ONE THING HE COULDN’T DO.
(Chicago Record-Herald.)
“Pa, can God do anything he wants
to?”
“Yes.”
“Could He make the ocean dry up?”
“Certainly, if He wished to.”
“And could He make the mountains
move to where the plains are now?”
“Yes, my child, He could even do
that.”
“Could He make all the people who
hold office good?”
“I haven’t any doubt that He could.”
“Could He make us as rich as Rock
efeller?”
“It would be very easy for Him to
do that if He cared to.”
“Could He make you the president
of the United States?”
“Os course He could.”
“Could He do anything in the
world?”
“Yes, anything.”
“I bet I know what He couldn’t do.”
“No, there isn’t anything that He
couldn’t do.”
“I guess He couldn’t find a magazine
that didn’t have a lot of pictures of
actresses or New York society women
in it.” —Chicago Record-Herald.
NOT A LIVE ONE.
(Argonaut.)
A well-to-do farmer who had sent
his son to Philadelphia to begin life as
a clerk, wrote to the merchant in
whose employ he was, asking how the
boy was getting along and where he
slept nights. The merchant replied:
“He sleeps in the store in the daytime.
I don’t know where he sleeps nights.”
BRAIN WEIGHTS.
(Louisville Courier-Journal.)
Doctors find that the average human
soul weighs an ounce. No scales deli
cate enough to weigh the brain of a
doctor who believes in this sort of
tomfoolery have been manufactured.
DEFIED CONVENTION.
During the session of the legislature
one of the senators met a negro one
morning who had on a high hat, tan
shoes and evening costume.
“Say,” observed the senator, “don’t
you know that the rules of society
don’t allow evening dress before 6
o’clock, and here it is only 11 in the
morning?”
“Huh,” was the reply of the negro,
“they doan’, doan’t they? Well, no
body doan’ make no timetables for my
clothes.”
HAD TO TAKE THE TRIP.
A Philadelphia dentist was not long
ago in receipt of an extraordinary or
der from a man in Altoona desirous of
providing himself with a set of teeth
to replace those lost by reason of a
kick from a mule.
“My mouth,” wrote the Altoona man
to the dentist, “is three and a quarter
inches across, five-eighth inches
through the jaw. It is shaped like a
horseshoe, toe forward. If you want
any more particulars, I’ll have to come
to Philadelphia.”
CUTTING THE RECORD.
“The prisoner was going at the rate
of 360 miles an hour,” said the police
man.
The arrested chauffeur smiled.
“Look here,” said the court sharp
ly, “you can’t boom any make of auto
in this tribunal of justice. I officially
knock off 300 miles and fine the pris
oner SIOO for the 60.” —Philadelphia
Ledger.
WATSON’S WEEKLY JEFFERSONIAN.
DAVISON & FARGO
COTTON FACTORS
Augusta, - - Georgia
Largest and finest Warehouse in the city. Prompt and
careful attention to all business.
All letters to advertisers should be carefully
addressed. If is important to give the box, street
number or department in answering advertise
ments. Always state that you saw the advertise
ment in The Weekly Jeffersonian.
ATLANTA SCHOOL OF TELEGRAPHY
Under the management of the long established SOUTHERN SHORT
HAND and BUSINESS UNIVERSITY, ATLANTA GA. Received appli
cations for five S6O per month operators in one day. Telegraphy, Short
hand, Bookkeeping, Typewriting taught. Enter now. Catalog free. A.
C. Brisco, Pres. L. W. Arnold, Vice-Pres. Atlanta, Ga.
70 Typewriting machines.
F. P. JOHNSON, Manager.
THE
H. L. McCRARY, ASA C. BROWN, J. J. BROWN,
Sup. Pres, and Med. Director. Sup. Sec. and Treas. Sup. Vice-Pres.
W. C. PRESSLEY, Sup. Organizer.
Home Office,
415-416-417 Fourth National Bank Building. ATLANTA, GA.
A Fraternal Beneficiary
Association
A HOME INSTITUTION
ioo Energetic Men Wanted to
represent us. If you want Pleasant
Employment that pays well,* write
to the Home Office for full informa
tion.