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Paragraphs About Men and Measures
By SAM W. SMALL
The Easter bonnet bills come in the
same old styles.
“If Foraker were president?’’ Gee!
Don’t mention it!
Foraker displays a hot desire to use
Taft for a punching-bag.
The panic of 1907 will be recorded
in history as the ‘hot air’’ panic.
By the way, where, oh, where are
Parker clubs 1 and 2, of Atlanta?
The damp, cold weather certainly
took a fall onto the Easter bonnets.
That Central American war over a
mule was a Maud-lin performance.
An exchange says “Wall street is
waking up.’’ When did it ever sleep?
The cold Easter indicates that the
Fairbanks boom has made another
start.
Chief Justice Fuller has not yet
seen his duty to resign for Bill Taft’s
sake.
The earth is a billion years old. Does
that explain our billion dollar con
gress?
It is noteworthy that the plutocrats
never get paranoea in favor of the
people.
In a few more years this government
will be running a black mail service,
all right.
Carnegie denounces Harrimanism.
Now let Harriman tell us “how Carne
gie got his!”
Ex-Senator Burton might do well lec
turing on “From Chain-Gang to the
Press-Gang.”
Hearst will get the recount of the
Hearst-McClellan mayoralty race. But,
what else?
•
Maybe it will wind up in a conven
tion whirlwind for Teddy and Taft —
who knows?
Harry Thaw seems to be sane
enough to make Jerome sound like a
cheap Jew’s harp.
New Orleans is driving out her mos
quitos. Why not her race track blood
suckers, also?
London claims the tallest opera sing
er. What is her price at the box
office window?
Let everybody keep his mouth shut
and his hands off and watch the race
problem disappear.
The question of “What’s the matter
with Kansas?” is easily answered. Too
many Republicans!
“Silent” Smith is dead. Being that
sort of a Smith he must have died
from lonesomeness.
We are told that it is not painful
to starve to death. Still, we shoald
think it a very empty pleasure.
A headline “The President Talks
With Hls Friends” indicates a large
and extensive conversation.
sake.
Press-Gang.”
WATSON’S WEEKLY JEFFERSON!AW.
A Kansas man says he saw a rat
with horns. It was probably a mem
ber of the cattle trust.
The Dumb Agricola of America may
some day—and soon —open his mouth
and say surprising things.
Pierp Morgan is liberal in buying
three things only—art treasures, leg
islators and judges.
Many of the highest flyers in New
York’s “400” got broken pinions in the
Wall street dam-break.
Senator Allison will not stay in the
senate. Cummin’s events cast their
shadows before him.
Maxim Gorky is reported to be dy
ing of consumption. He was also af
flicted with too much wives.
“What is the plural of grape-fruit?”
Don’t know. We never could go more
than one at a time.
Ben Tillman accuses Roosevelt of
“sound and fury.” In plain terms that
sounds like a charge of plagiarism.
President Roosevelt can now hear
talk about his being given a third
term without throwing a tit.
Wall street is now one of the red
light districts. Danger signals are plen
ty down that thieve’s alley.
Czar Nicholas is enjoying seeing the
Douma enjoy itself. It seems to be a
harmless sort of Do-funny, anyhow.
Why does the president appoint a
waterways commission? Most of our
railroads are ‘water”-ways already.
We are coming to a time when the
writ de lunatico will supercede the
indictment, if it does not supplant it.
Uncle Joe Cannon has been in Ha
vana. He probably “smoked up” in
every cigar factory he encountered.
Marie Corelli is writing another nov
el and the English critics are putting
on their side-arms and fenders.
Thirty-eight per cent of Indiana’s
population belong to some church. But
the majority are yet Republicans.
“Brain storm” is nothing more than
psychokinesia. What a row some folks
make about a little thing like that!
The famine in China is a terrible
scourge. It is nearly time to partition
China and nourish her many millions.
Mr. Bryan says he got into politics
by accident. But two terrible accidents
have not sufficed to drive him out of it.
Walter Wellman announces again
one of his imaginary flights for the
north pole. Walt is a great explorer—
in his mind.
April is the opening month and a
good time to open red hot talks on
the fellows who are overplanting
their cotton crop.
Miss Cash is lowa’s candidate in the
Western beauty contest. She would
look mighty good to us if we were one
of the judges.
Mayor Schmitz of San Francisco will
not resign under fire. Certainly not,
for even an earthquake couldn’t shake
him out.
Secretary Taft is the only man in
the United States who can run towards
both ends of Pennsylvania avenue at
the same time.
A magazine publishes “The Con
fessions of a Juror.” We haven’t
time to read it but —how much does he
say he got?
“The Constitution” writes eloquently
about the rural mail “Box at the Gate
Post” and doesn’t seem to remember
who first made it possible.
The Panama canal is actually being
dug, but all the “diggers” connected
with it are not in the steam shovel
gangs, by a long shot.
Tennessee republicans have endors
ed Roosevelt for a third term, but he
knows they can do nothing to cinch
that term for him.
Harriman will probably see to it
that Uncle Shelby Cullom does not
get the Chicago and Alton vote in
Illinois any more.
Nostalgia is said to prevail greatly
among the canal workers on the isth
mus. That’s Latin for “I-want-to-go
home-to-mammy! ”
Patti only sings for charity causes,
now. Most of us would do our char
ity work with notes instead of cash, if
we could.
A rain of bugs is reported from
Michigan. But the reign of goldbugs
in the Democratic party is past, let
us hope.
An Ohio preacher was arrested just
after marrying his triteenth wife. A
man not satisfied with twelve wives
ought to be in a pen or a bug-house.
Senator Culberson is willing to be
nominated for president. Thank God,
there is one bold man left in the
Democratic party in the south!
The New York World wants to know
“What is a Democrat?” If anybody
needs the information right badly it
is the New York World.
Up in Tennessee they call Carmack
“the Red Planet of the South.” They
couldn’t call him comet, because he
don’t wear whiskers.
“The man who is to manage Mr.
Bryan’s next campaign” is puzzling the
political guessers. Perhaps it is also
worrying Mr. Bryan some.
Emma Eames refuses to talk about
her divorce suit. For price enough
she might sing her story against her
husband, Julian Story.
It is evident that Secretary Cortel
you is not looking for a presidency
higher than that of a New York bank
or trust company.
Immigration Commissioner Sargent
says the south must pay better wages
if she wants more immigrants. In
that case the wearers of cotton goods
the world over must pay higher prices
for the southern staple. See?
The price of socks has been raised
by the hosiery trust. It is just in
time to put “sockless statesmen” in
fashion again.
A man who robbed a newly-arrived
immigrant of a few dollars goes to the
pen for four years. But the incident
doesn’t interest Harriman, evidently.
It is proposed to double the salary
of the governor of Texas. As he cov
ers more ground than five average gov
ernors the proposition hardly looks
too liberal.
It is said the cotton boll weevils
will be very destructive this year,
and the warning leaves out of account
the Wall street weevil entirely.
The “business interests,” so-called,
ought to study a little what part of
their business depends upon the good
will and votes of the farmers.
The people of the south can com
mand the cotton and iron markets of
the world. All else they need is the
wisdom to command their own power.
A forgotten switch in California
caused the death of only twenty-six
passengers. That railroad company
probably feels lucky over the incident.
t
Abe Rues, the San Francisco boss
and grafter, always claimed to be a
“business man.” Abe belongs to the
same class with Harriman, Morgan,
Belmont & Co.
Senator Bob Taylor will use a gourd
to drink from in his committee room.
But he will conform to custom and use
a china cup when he takes “cold tea”
in the senate beanery.
A Pennsylvania legislator wants a
law permitting a mad subscriber to
lick the editor on provocation. Every
subscriber has that right now—if he
can pull off the stunt.
A legislator in Pennsylvania wants
a law to let any one lick an editor
when he wants to do so. With the
amendment ‘when the editor will let
him,” we favor the bill.
Stuyvesant Fish complains that
President Roosevelt cannot see his
own errors. The trouble is that his
critics get ahead of him in discovering
and publishing them.
Henry James, the effete novelist, has
been criticising Charleston, but if the
Charlestonians had kept quiet about it
very few people would have discov
ered the malice of James aforesaid.
Carnegie says Roosevelt is the best
friend the railroads have. Sure, Andy!
A boy’s best friend is his mother, in
spite of her slipper and the trunk
straps.
A Nashville judge has decided that
the Tennessee legislature cannot pun
ish any one for showing contempt for
it. The judge is probably one of those
notorious railway judges that infest
Tennessee.
Some people feel an inclination to
“pity the poor • railroads” who never
feel an impulse to go out to the
cemeteries and shed a tear over the
graves of the 60,000 people they have
killed in ten years.