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PAGE 8, JULY 7, 2008, THE ISLANDER
Dam Barry.
Offensive weapons
The United States is developing
an Odor Bomb.
"Why?" you are saying. "Don't we
already have New Jersey?"
Fine, make your little jokes. But
this happens to be a serious matter
of national security. According to
news items sent in by several alert
readers, the Department of Defense
has asked scientists to develop an
odor that is repulsive to all humans,
regardless of culture. This odor could
be used by the military to harmlessly
clear people out of a given area.
On the other hand, it would
attract dogs. The more disgusting
something smells, the more a dog
wants to take a hearty whiff. I recall
one time when I was home playing
host to a hostile stomach virus, and
I suddenly had an urgent need to
(as we used to say in college) talk
to Ralph on the big white phone. I
made it as far as the hallway before I
went down on all fours and released
most of my bodily contents, includ
ing, I am pretty sure, my spleen. It
was beyond repulsive, but it caused
my dog, Earnest, to go into a state of
wild dog elation, vibrating with hap
piness and barking joyfully into my
right ear, as if to say: "THIS is the
best Christmas EVER!!"
So the Odor Bomb would not be
effective against dogs. But it would
definitely work on humans. I know
this, because I was present, decades
ago, at a historic demonstration of
the power of stink. This was in 1962,
when my class at Harold C. Critten
den Junior High School of Armonk,
N.Y., took the annual 9th-grade class
trip to the Boston area. This includ
ed Salem, Mass., where we toured
the House of the Seven Gables, the
setting for the book by the promi
nent boring author Nathaniel Haw
thorne.
As you recall (SURE you do), the
house contains a secret passage
way. While my class was tromping
through this passageway, one stu
dent — whom I will refer to here as
"Clifford," because his name was
Clifford — released a MAJOR odor.
One theory was that it was a stink
bomb that Clifford had purchased
from the famous Jack's Joke Shop
in Boston.
Another theory was that it was
organically produced by Clifford,
who had a gift for that kind of thing.
Whatever it was, it smelled so bad
that they had to evacuate the entire
house, including all seven gables.
That was the last Boston class trip
ever taken by students from Harold
C. Crittenden Junior High. So let me
just say, on behalf of my classmates,
by way of sincere apology to all the
By Dave Barry
succeeding classes: Neener neener.
But my point is that the Penta
gon's Odor Bomb concept is theoreti
cally sound. According to National
Geographic Today, odor scientists
are studying a mixture of aromas
from "vomit, human waste, body
odors, burnt hair, and rotting gar
bage." The scientists report that
when volunteers sniff this mixture,
they — prepare for a startling scien
tific finding — do not care for it.
Perhaps some day, our troops will
use such an odor to force the enemy
to flee an area. If that doesn't work,
we'll escalate to less-humane weap
ons, such as videos of the "comedian"
Carrot Top.
But here's what has me worried
about odor weapons: OTHER COUN
TRIES MAY ALREADY BE AHEAD
OF US. I say this because of two
alarming foreign products brought
to my attention by alert reader Tom
Lemley, who sent me empty contain
ers for these products, which I swear
I am not making up.
One product is called "Drastic
Toilet Air." It comes in a spray can,
on which the only English words
are "Drastic Toilet Air," "New," and
"Produced by Johnson Wax Egypt."
The other words are in a foreign
language, so we don't know whether
this product is supposed to combat
drastic toilet air, or — this is what
scares me — it actually IS drastic
toilet air, which could be a powerful
weapon, in addition to an excellent
name for a rock band.
The other product is an Irani
an laundry detergent called: "Barf."
Right on the box, in big red letters, it
says: "Barf." It also says: "To obtain
best result soak very dirty clothes in
a solution of Barf for a few minutes
and then proceed normally."
I'm sorry, but I don't see how
we, as a nation, can "proceed nor
mally" knowing that the Iranians
have Barf, and the Egyptians have
Drastic Toilet Air. The logical ques
tion is: What does Iraq have? I hate
to be an alarmist, but neither I, nor
anybody I know, has any idea what
ever became of Clifford.
This classic DAVE BARRY column
was originally published April 21, 2002.
(C) 2008 The Miami Herald. Dist. by
Tribune Media Services. Dave Barry is a
humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
Write to him c/o Tropic Magazine, The
Miami Herald, One Herald Plaza, Miami
FL 33132) a
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